Post # 1
Etiquette question here.
FI and I are having the tasting for our reception with our caterer in a few weeks. My parents are fronting the entire bill for the wedding, outside of the rehearsal dinner (read: $75,000 out of my dad’s pocket). I had originally only invited my parents for the tasting because a) they’re paying for it and b) too many opinions can muddy the waters.
Apparently FMIL has heard that the tasting is coming up and is offended that I haven’t included her in this event. She is a former party planner and always has something to say (not usually positive) about how we are planning things and how they should “really” be done. I know she would question why we have selected what we have selected and will give snippy comments about how things could be better.
I should also note that neither FMIL or my parents live in the town where we’re getting married and will have to travel for the tasting. I was looking forward to spending the weekend of the tasting with my parents as I haven’t seen them in several months and won’t again until the wedding. FMIL needs constant entertainment and I really wasn’t wanting to spend the weekend with my parents tending to her every need.
Any bees been in similar situations? What would you do if you were in my shoes?
Post # 2
Honestly I don’t think that your caterer will be happy for you to bring three additional people to your tasting. You might want to check with them to see what can be accommodated.
Post # 3
If I were you I would just have my parents there. They’re the ones paying.
If the FMIL wasn’t a troublemaker, I’d say, “Hey, the more the merrier”, but since she is, she doesn’t need to be there.
If you do think inviting her would be best, then I think the responsibility for entertaining and tending to the FMIL should be on your fiancée. You focus on your parents, he focuses on his parent.
Post # 4
louisianablue: I have talked to my caterer about this. She says that they can accomodate as many people as I wish to bring. However, she also told me that the more people that come the more complicated things get. She has had parties of 10+ for tastings and it just gets disasterous as everyone has different opinions. My parents are pretty easy to please, I just want to them to have a say since they’re shelling out the big bucks.
Post # 5
elw728: I would stick with the two of you and your parents. That is plenty of opinions.
FMIL can determine the menu at the rehearsal dinner if she is hosting that.
Post # 6
Rhopalocera: Thanks for your input. I agree– if she was super easy going I’d be more than happy to have her come up for the weekend, but since shes not….
Post # 7
I would simply tell her that the caterer limits the number of people allowed at the tasting. Or better yet, make your fiance talk to her about it. I agree that there is no reason for her to be there especially if she is not contributing financially to the wedding.
If she has not brought this up with you directly and you’ve just heard that she is upset through other people, I would just ignore it.
Post # 8
elw728: I’m trying to wrap my head around why your FMIL even heard that the tasting was coming up in the first place. You should proceed without her. In general, there’s no need to share minor planning details like that with anyone except the people attending.
Leave it to your FI to explain to his mother why she isn’t invited. (“Invited” isn’t even the right word – it’s a planning detail, not a party). I’m guessing it’s his fault she found out in the first place.
Post # 9
I would just have Fiance tell them, the vendor only allows a limited number of people. And yes, tell him to zip a lock on stuff.
Post # 10
elw728: Definitely you, your FI, and your parents. You don’t need any more opinions than that. There is no reason at all for the FMIL to be there.
Post # 11
aussiemum1248: yes, FI casually mentioned it to her, I suppose. She went on to say that she felt like she had “no opinion about anything in the wedding” and that she felt “left out”.
It doesn’t help that FMIL had a huge say in FBIL’s wedding last year as FSIL was pretty clueless and let her help out a lot. I guess FMIL expects me to be similar in that regard.
I brought it up with my parents and they really would like to have this time to spend with me and FI, sans FMIL. So hopefully FMIL will respect our wishes. She can do whatever she pleases with the rehearsal dinner!
Post # 12
elw728: I agree with pp that this is just a planning detail, not a party. I think you should just invite your parents. Obviously you and your FI should be there, and since your parents are paying for the food they have a right to be there as well. Your FMIL has no reason to be there. If she puts up a fight, let your FI deal with her, since he’s probably the one who told her about it. Or tell her she’s welcome to choose the food at the rehersal dinner, since I’m assuming she’s planning that?
Post # 13
While I feel sorry for her for feeling left out of the wedding planning, if it’s because she’s been overly critical of your choices, that’s on her. I say stick to your guns for the tasting. But consider telling her (or having your FI tell her) that it’s your wedding, comments she’s been making have hurt you, but you’ll try to keep her more in the loop if she can be more supportive of your choices. If she can manage that, as a former party planner, she might prove helpful.
Post # 14
- Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island
Well, we had 2 tastings with 2 caterers to see who we wanted to go with. For one, it was just me and DH. For the other, we invited both moms. FMIL ended up not being able to make it, so it was just me, DH, and my mom. I didn’t necessarily want the FMIL there, but I did feel obligated to invite her.
Your situation is a little different. How does your FI feel about it? Does he want his mom there? If so, I would invite her. However, I’d have your FI explain that although she’s welcome to come to the tasting, you had already planned to spend the weekend with your parents so the invitation is for the tasting only; not the whole weekend. That might make her decide it’s not worth going to anyway. And I don’t think that should offend her as long as you sometimes visit your in-laws without involving your parents. That way, it’s fair on both sides.
When we got married, we had a talk with both sets of parents and told them that we would be splitting holidays evenly. Sometimes at his family’s house, sometimes at mine. If everyone wants to gather together, that’s fine. But if they don’t want to, then they have to realize that we’re going to spend half the amount of time with them because we need to be fair to everyone. This tasting could help you set a precedent that you’re going to treat people evenly. FMIL can be invited to the tasting, but that doesn’t mean she’s always going to do everything with you guys. Sometimes you’ll do things just with your parents and sometimes you’ll do things just with the in-laws. Good luck!
Post # 15
- Wedding: October 2014 - Church
elw728: You have two choices, really … Offend her and have a pleasant time with your parents, who will hopfeully come with you, then suffer the reprucussions after. Or you could extend her the invitation and talk to her, explaining that you would just like to spend the time enjoying the tasting together. I definitely think that your FI definitely needs to talk to her and explain that she needs to tone it down. Maybe invite her for some non-wedding-related bonding? It could be that she feels left out and probably feels put off because she was (is?) a party planner so you don’t respect her “abilities”.