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After getting married, my husband's wish was to move to Texas. So I quit my job and left my family to follow his dream. After being in Texas now for three months, I still haven't found a job (I'm sure is a result from the economy). With that said, he thinks that I should pay half of the rent.
Do you think it's fair that I have to pay the rent since I have no income coming in. He makes double what I made when I was working and is still working. In his defense, he thinks that I should still contribute since we are a married couple and said I should use the money that I have in savings (which is more than what he has). I have been saving this money since I was 16 and worked very hard for it. What are your thoughts on what I should do in this situation?
If I were unemployed, but had enough in savings to help with rent, I would. I'd help out as much as I could. Maybe he just wants to feel like he's getting a little help?
Did you have something else in mind for your money? Most people use their savings for situations like yours from what I've seen.
Maybe he could pay until you're employed, and then you could pay however many months he paid?
Well, i'll give you our situation.
I have a job with steady income. My husband is on terminal leave. We've used his savings for big things (we bought an elliptical and fridge) but i pick up day to day expenses plus the mortgage.
I pay the mortgage every month b/c i have the paycheck.
I'd be more concerned that your husband says you aren't contributing.
Can you set up a joint account and deposit some money in, then pay the rent? Frankly, i'd feel AWFUL asking DH to pay half the mortgage each month, citing the whole "you live here too!" thing until he gets a job. I don't WANT him to spend his savings. It's savings. Rainy day. We should be able to get by on one salary
How do the two of you think about your money? Is it still completely seperate or joint? I think you are both right, which is sort of confusing. I can see how he would like you to still contribute to rent since you are financially able too. However it does seem harsh for him to expect you to pony up the same amount without a job. Either way you two need to talk about money.
I guess it depends on how much you have in savings. If it's only a little, then it's odd for him to expect you to help with rent. However, if it's quite a bit I would say it's fair. I am currently paying our entire mortgage payment because my FI had lost his job, and is now only working part-time and it's tight for him to pay his own bills. He doesn't have anything in savings so I can't ask anything more of him. It's extremely stressful on me to pay the whole mortgage and all the utilities because I also have a car loan and student loans.
I'd say it depends on what you have in savings, and on what he has extra to pay the bills.
This type of thing is why I don't like seperate finances for marriage. IME, it always leads to arguments.
However, if your agreement is that you will each pay half of living expenses, then I think you should pay half of the rent if you are able.
I think this is the problem with keeping separate finances (I don't mean just having his/her individual accounts for personal spending/emergency but really separate finances). If the two people act as if they are a social unit, like moving to a different state for each other, but their finances don't reflect that it can end up an unfair situation. I think part of marriage is supporting each other financially but I know now everyone agrees! and marriages can work just fine between people with a different philosophy but whichever philosphy the two people in the marriage have to agree.
Did you talk about this before you got married? And did you talk about it before you moved to Texas?
I agree that both of you are right in a way. From his perspective, why should you get to keep your savings at the expense of him having the opportunity to build up his savings? If it all came from the same pot this might not be an issue.
I think if you guys intend to keep separate finances you need to be very careful about making any future decisions that will affect your income, such as moving, without spelling out the finances.
If you left your job for him in this craptastic economy, then you shouldn't be responsible for rent until you find another job. He's the reason why you left the job you had in the first place.
If you consider that money only yours, then you should probably contribute.
But if you plan on using that money for the benefit of you both, then your husband is asking you to do something that is financially very stupid. Savings should NOT be touched for day to day expenses unless that is the only option. It is hard to have the discipline to save money, and spending when it isn't necessary is a terrible idea. Instead, consider the possibilities for that money. Seed for your retirement? Save for a down payment on a house? Put away for short and medium term expenses, so you can avoid credit card bills? The possibilities are endless, and almost all of them are better than peetering it away on rent.
I think this is a perfect opportunity to start talking about money and how you guys will deal with it.
Are you always going to go half on everything no matter how much each person makes?
There are going to be many times throughout your marriage when this pendulum may shift and things may happen how are you going to deal with it? Do you have joint savings for emergency funds or is he expecting you to use up your rainy day fund?
There really is no real answer to this question but i really think that you guys need to open up a discussion about your finances!
We lived together for about a year to two years before we got married and during that time I always paid for half of everything, whether it was the rent, food, or misc. things we needed for the house. Do you think that he may be thinking the same way (of splitting everything in half) since we got married (even though I'm not currently employed)?
You live in texas, a community property state, and are married. So technically half of his wages is yours! Tell him that. Haha, j/k.
Seriously though, maybe it's time for you guys to sit down and have a talk about finances. Since you're married, you maybe shoulf start approaching bills as a team--ask what is the best possible scenario for your financial future as a couple? This might depend on factors like how much total savings and debt you two have, your total income and bills per month, etc.
It seems like you are holding onto this idea of "your" money when really you should be thinking of thing in terms of you and your husband as a partnership. Good luck!
The money I had in savings was supposed to go towards a house. I didn't think that I was going to get married (so I had been saving since I was a teenager). He states that he pays for much more than the rent, which includes the utilities, water, trash, internet, cable, and sometimes dinners we have when we go out.
I think you should talk to him about it. Are you willing to share the savings with him, since you need to have some money in liquid savings in case something happens and he happens to lose his job too.
I think it's important you sit down and have a chat abouthow your will handle money from now on. I think he would feel much differently if you were working and all he had was savings that you were asking him to give up!
In marriage I think it's very difficult to handle money unless you see everything as being ours not his and hers. You've become a family!
Obbviously this works out differently for everyone, but you should at least come to an agreement whatever it is. Maybe working with a financial counselor.
Are you still planning on using the money for a house for the both of you? If that is the case, and he can afford to cover the bills without going into debt, it makes sense that you wouldn't use the savings for day-to-day living expenses. What would he do with the money he is using to pay 1/2 the rent? Save it? Blow it on video games?
I agree with others that this is a good opportunity for the two of you to discuss your financial future and goals and make sure you are on the same page. You may be thinking "House!" and he's thinking "Trip to Maui!". LOL. Just try to talk it out.
I think you're both approaching this wrong. It's not about who is right or him having an obligation to pay the rent or it not being fair that he pays for more than you.
It's about what both of you want and think is right in a marriage and how the two of you want to approach life together for the rest of your life. There is no right or wrong just what works for the two of you.
If he wants to be 50/50 for the rest of your lives though that's going to make a lot of things difficult, including children.
Using your savings for a downpayment on a house is a HUGE thing, and I would be very careful of using that money for anything else. The more you put down, the lower your payment, and the less interest you pay back. HOWEVER, I again know the feeling of being the sole supporter and how stressful it can be. So if he can TRULY afford the rent by himself, then maybe he should pay it so that you aren't using your future house down-payment.
Agreed with everyone, you need to TALK to him about this philosophy. What he is asking you to do is bad for your financial future. It would be a terrible idea to spend this money that would otherwise go to a house without this crucial conversation.
hmmm perhaps you should use the cash to help with utilities, etc. i don't work work but i own my own company which is in the starting phases, and try to pay the small bills while he takes care of the larger ones. i would feel strange watching him work his patootie off (not saying this is your situation) while i had money in the bank but didn't spend because it was my money.
I always found it was more difficult for us to call stuff "ours" when our money was separate. You definitely need to sit down and talk finances. What happens if you don't get a job and your savings run out? Will he make you move out because you can't pay your half? Will you have to get a loan? What happens if a big issue comes up ro if he lost his job and his savings were depleted?
For us, putting our finances together and calling it "our"money has really worked well. There are other people on here (like ejs mentioned above) who keep their money more separate, but have worked it out that the person with less money is contributing less or in a different way. It's all about compromise!
From his perspective....maybe he feels like if he pays for the rent (and maybe other bit things) then you will have no incentive to get a full-time job?
We went through a period (before we were engaged) of about 5 months where I had no income. We were so broke that we got food stamps. He used his money to cover rent and other things not covered by the food stamps and I did all the cooking and housekeeping.
There are other ways to contribute than financially when you are still unemployed. Otherwise, what does he intend for you to do, use up all of your savings for rent and then move out when that's gone, if it gets to that point? I agree that you should have a conversation about your shared financial goals and the best way for the two of you to achieve them, and figure out whether that includes spending up all of your savings just to make him feel that you are contributing equally.
That's a tough one. My first reaction: your husband is treating you like a roommate, not his wife. You demand rent from a roommate no matter what, but if your spouse is out of work, you cover the cost of him/her being unemployed because the two of you are a financial unit. Mouse's joke about community property actually isn't that far off the mark -- it's not just "his" salary anymore! Would he expect you to still pay 1/2 the rent if, say, you were a stay-at-home mom?
I think you guys need to start thinking of all the household's money -- both his salary and your savings -- as "ours," not "mine." So the discussion shouldn't be about "your money" vs. "my money" (like it would be with a roommate), the question should be about whether you as a couple should dip into savings to finance the rent, or pay the rent out of the single-salary income that's coming into your household. So talk about your financial goals and whether depleting your savings is the best financial move for you as a couple.
That's what my friend said. She said that he is treating me more like a roommate than a wife.
It is necesarily "your" money if you are earmarking it towards a house for the two of you, though?
We have separate finances and we have worked it out all just fine. We're separate until he gets a job and then we will be comining far more significantly.
If you plan on buying a house ewith it (for the two of you...) how is that any different than you putting up money NOW, then him contributing to the house later? It's all kinda the same. And while it's in separate accoounts, that's how we look at it. it's all ultimately the same, even though it's broken up.
But i agree the statement sounds more like a roommate and less like a wife. I just couldn't imagine "demanding" rent from my husband, knowing he's out of work. I donj't want to kick him while he's down! I bought all the christmas gifts this year too (because, dur, i have a job) but that doesn't mean they're all "from" me, ya know?
I think a sit down with him and talking about everybody's money and what your plans are for it works. I don't think it's fair to say "this is the problem with joint finances" because it just sounds like you guys didn't talk about this beforehand. It's not fair for him to take money from the house savings fund just to save himself an extra $500 a month...what is he going to do with that anyways? see where I'm going?....
you are allowed to do finances however you please, but personally I think the attitude of living like roommates causes problems. Why doesn everything have to be split 50/50? It makes more sense for you guys to act as one unit and help eachother with what you can. It just reminds me so much of my parents, I used to hate the way they always acted so seperate when it came to finances. If my mom would pay a bill she would tell my dad how much he owed her. You are unemployed right now he should help you until you get a job. Its different if you arent helping with rent, but then shopping constantly. I just think marriage should be looked at as whats yours is mine and whats mine is yours. Otherwise whats the point of living together if you arent going to work together?
Is your lifestyle severly hampered by you not working or does your husband make enough for you both to live on ok? My FI just lost his job, and we can survive on my salary and UI. He did get a chunk of severance, but I told him not to use it and that we will put that money away and just tighten our belts. It's our money, he is not my roomate. I would never ask him to use that money so we can split things down the middle when he lost his job. We are in this together, and we can use that money for a rainy day or on some investment. The reason you do not have an income is because you sacrificed your job for him. I think he is being unfair by demanding you split everything 50/50. You already contributed by giving up so much to move to Texas.
I'm with ejs on this one...I too could also never imagine asking money from my FI if he didnt have a job. Infact, I would say "no, no, no, and double no" to taking money out of savings. I know every relationship is different, but for my FI and I, we had determined that when we get married it's going to be "what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine." That includes debt, savings, IRA's, etc...For the first little bit (until he's out of the Army) for convenience sake, we'll still have separate checking accounts, but we'll both have access to eachother's accounts.
I agree with the others in that I think you're husband/FI (can't remember) is being a tad bit unreasonable about the whole 50/50 split thing...I just don't think it's a good thing to drain your savings...save that for a really rainy day.
for a large part of our engagement i didn't have a job. I did get unemployment but that was nothing really. My husband paid for all the bills assoicated with our living situation and said I didn't need to pay anything. I felt bad so I would contribute buy buying groceries or paying when we go out and eat sometimes but my husband never once asked me to do it.
even now that we are married and I have a job, he is still paying all the bills and insists that I don't have to pay so I just do the usual grocery shopping and misc things and put most of it in savings for when we buy a house.
so for your husband to ask you to have to pay the rent, i think is not very reasonable. you guys really need to sit down and talk about your money situation because down the road it can get worse.
I think you should consider all your money- savings and income- shared money- not your's vs. his.
If you can survive on his income- great! Keep that saved money in case of an emergency or for a down payment on a house or car or something.
I was unemployed for several months when my husband and I were just dating, but living together. I was let go from that job, so I was able to collect unemployment, and the majority of that money went to rent. But that was largely due to the fact that we couldn't afford to live without my paycheck (which was the bigger one at the time). Had my BF (at the time) been able to, he would have supported me, and if the situation had been reversed, I would have supported him. That's how we personally see it.
But money is a huge contention point for people, and this needs to be discussed. Personally, I don't see why your husband would want you to dip into savings for a future house when he can technically support you, but that's something you need to decide together.
I think it is the wrong discussion. You guys clearly need to talk about how you will manage finances nowthat you are a family - that is one of the big differences between dating and agreeing to spend your lives together. I think you need a plan for how you will jointly save and spend money, even if you have separate accounts. This "mine/yours" thing is not a good dynamic for a marriage.
The fact that you moved for him makes it even more ridiculous he is demanding your "share".
I agree with all the bees advising you and the hubby to discuss how the finances should be managed as a family unit instead of as roommates. He should be considerate towards your situation, especially since you sacrificed a lot to move to Texas for him. I seriously do not agree with how he is "demanding" you use your savings. Savings should NEVER be touched if there is no major emergency. It sounds like he can afford to pay the rent on his income alone at the moment. It takes a lot of physical hard work (not just money) to manage a household and just because you are not bringing in a paycheck does not mean you are not "contributing".
ejs-- "If you plan on buying a house ewith it (for the two of you...) how is that any different than you putting up money NOW, then him contributing to the house later? It's all kinda the same. And while it's in separate accoounts, that's how we look at it. it's all ultimately the same, even though it's broken up."
I think it's much easier to pull money from savings, than to put it back in. I, myself, had had issues with that in the past. Unless you are 100% committed to putting money back in the account later.
As far as the situation goes, if you are still planning on using the savings towards a house for the two of you, it doesn't make sense to me for you to be helping with the rent with that money. His paycheck is technically both of yours now, even though he's the only one working now. If his paycheck can cover all the expenses for the time being, than that is the most logical long term goal. But it doesn't really matter what we all think. You and your husband need to sit down and discuss the issues together, and make your own decision that is logical for you.
we're kind of in the same situation, i'm unemployed with money in the bank, my fi works. when i decided to quit my job i was terrified about finances and my fi assured me that we'd be fine, we could live off of his salary. for the most part that's true, but occassionally we do need something more expensive or we go over on the credit card, and i'll pay for it. and hopefully eventually we'll be spending all of the money i have saved up when we have a baby, that's what we decided it's there for. this is working for us. i know different things work for different people, but i also think the couple should agree on how you're working your finances. i would talk to him about it.
@mandalynn--I just meant that while it's all the same, they shouldn't be touching the money in the savings because the money is the money....whether you put it back in or not, you still have X dollars floating around
It makes sense in my head....but I guess what I'm trying to say is why would he want her to put money up front now, when it just means you have to replace it later? Why not leave it the way it is now?
I definitely wasn't advocating using savings to pay for the rent. IE if she put up $500 for the rent each month from savings, is he going to use $500 from "his" paycheck to put it back into the savings account?
It just goes around in circles. But i do agree that if you aren't stringent about putting money back INTO the account, that's where you run into problems.
I think if you guys can afford the rent on living expenses on his salary, that you should not have to use your savings to contribute towards the rent. Like other posters have mentioned - living together as a married couple means you guys need to look out for each other. You quit your job in a rough economy so you could both move to Texas together. Looking at things as a "roomate" financial mentality can lead to huge stresses. I have a personal example.
FI and I got together towards the end of my first university degree. We have lived together for 5 years. For the first two years of that time, we split things 50/50, the "roomate" split. It was very financially trying on me. I made WAAAAAAAAAY less than him and I was trying to pay off my student loans, and had no money left over for anything fun. He was comfortably paying his half and paid his student debt off in RECORD time, plus having extra money left over. I was a ball of stress. Finally I sat down and had a serious chat with him about finances. We weren't even engaged at the time, and I didn't know if we would ever be, but I knew we were going to be together for the rest of our lives, be it common-law partnership or marriage. I told him how we were a team, and part of the team was suffering. I also made the decision that year to return to school for a nursing degree - which meant more student loans on my part. He had NO IDEA how I felt, and since I started nursing school, he has taken over all of the household expenses while I worked and paid for my tuition. I managed to save enough to pay for most of my schooling, and used student loans for the rest. Since we began to look at our lives as a "team", it has worked great for us. He has told me not to stress, because my "non-financial" contributions to our "team" are valued too. I finish school next June and will begin to contribute financially again once I start workign as a registered nurse.
It may not be an easy talk, but one you definitely need to have. I will be thinking of you!
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