Post # 1
So, we’ve been married for almost 2 months now, and already the pressure is on from our families to start trying for a baby. The only problem? I’m just not ready! TBH, I’m not sure that I’ll ever really be ready. The entire process of pregnancy just terrifies me to my core. Husband has always known this about me, and for a long time he felt the same way, but since he’s turned 30 this year I swear baby fever has kicked in! His father was older when he was born (40+), and they were never particularly close because of this, so he really doesn’t want to be an old dad.
Sorry if this is TMI, but during the honeymoon we agreed that now that we’re married he was “done pulling out”, and “if it happens it happens”. Well, just this weekend we had our first non-pull-out experience. (And had I not been due for my period the very next day I probably would have died of anxiety.) (Edited for clarity, sorry for the initial confusion!)
And with that being said, it leads me to my question: who was ready to start trying first, you or your SO? And for the ladies who weren’t quite ready when their SO was, did anything change your mind? Is my anxiety normal? Some friendly words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated right now. 🙂
Post # 3
@Saria213: Woah, he didn’t pull out and didn’t warn you?? I think I’d change birth control if that was tried on me; and in the short term until that’s sorted, insist on a condom (“no glove no love!”) You can’t have the contraception up to him if he’s going to pull a stunt like that.
I can’t answer the other question because I was ready first. (Despite being anxious about childbirth – since I was about 10!) But we didn’t try until I was 28/29.
Post # 4
To answer your question: DH has always had baby fever and has said he wants 8 kids!
I have always been much more on the fence. I think I would regret not having children, but whether I have them sooner, later, or even through adoption, was something I was happy to compromise on.
As an aside, what your DH did by not pulling out is NOT COOL. You need to have a long chat to him about consent in relationships. In the short term, I would also start using another form of BC. This is something you need to work on, stat.
This is coming from someone who regularly does things that their DH dislikes, and doesn’t tell him about it (because he would object, and then we would fight, and then I would do it anyway, so…). The things I do are very naughty… I got a tattoo on my foot, imported two cats from overseas, and bought myself a second hand designer handbag from ebay, for example. The key is that none of the things I do are life changing in the same way that forcing someone to be a parent is. I’m not saying that what I do is necessarily OK, but not pulling out really is some ****** up ****…
Post # 5
@paula1248: Hahahaha, is it bad that “no glove no love” made me laugh like a 12 year old? Probably because it seriously appiles here. TBH, I’m not on birth control of any kind right now. I thought about going back on but it seemed silly since I knew we’d eventually want to start trying. And really, aside from me just being not ready for my own selfish reasons (which I fully acknowledge lol), there’s really no reason for us to not start trying. We make enough money, we’re stable, we’ve been together nearly 6 years, we already have a house, etc… I think I just suck at life. lol
Post # 6
@Saria213: Yikes! I wouldn’t have been too happy if my SO unilaterally decided that it was baby time. That’s all sorts of messed up. If he’s only 30 (and I’m guessing you’re younger) you have plenty of time to have babies later. Lots of men in their late 30’s, in their 40’s and even 50’s make wonderfully involved fathers.
To answer your orginal question though, my DH was ready before me.
Edited to add: The fact that you’re not ready is the best reason not to try for a baby. It is not selfish!
Post # 7
I think my wording makes it sound like he was all “SURPRISE! I didn’t pull out!” I definitely knew what was happening. Like I said, I knew my period was due the next day so I was kind of whatever about it, and on our honeymoon I agreed that he didn’t have to anymore. At the time, the decision was very “If it happens, it happens.” I’m just super, SUPER anxious about if/when it happens. Sorry for the confusion, trust me, if he just up and surprised me like that the title of this post would have been something more like “WHAT THE F*&%ING F*$%.”
Post # 8
My husband was ready first. He is 4 years older than me though… I dont know if I ever would have been ready to get pregnant… it’s a lot of work for a woman! Our baby due next month is a surprise although he tells people it wasnt and he knew we would get pregnant lol I had just stopped taking bc and according to previous months I shouldnt have been ovulating when we concieved. I would say that is a surprise!
Post # 9
@Saria213: DH was definitely ready first. We were both ready but he was very ready while I had some typical anxieties…it is a big deal after all. Actually DH did the same thing to me. I did go off my BCP a couple months before the wedding so we could NTNP after and let my cycles regulate (I had been on BCP 16 years) but told him he should probably pull out before then because I didn’t actually want to be pregnant at our wedding. I really like my booze and wanted to celebrate. He didn’t exactly listen to me the first time but did after that. One time was all it took apparently.
It didn’t seem like a big deal at the time because who thinks that that one time will make it happen? I guess since we were both ready (just waiting for the wedding to roll around) I didn’t think it was a big deal and it was only a couple of months, but I could see being furious if you had told him you weren’t ready. It sounds like something similar happened to you!
Post # 10
he was ready first. wanted to stop after the wedding whereas i would have been happy waiting a year…or two…or more hahaha
but since i couldnt say when id be ready i thought id jumpy right in. first 6 months of my pregnancy were spent going “what the f*** have i done” but now at 7.5 months im excited. didnt expect it to happen so quickly (2nd cycle after wedding) so it was an adjustment!
Post # 11
I feel like I had baby fever forever but when it came down to it, and coming off birth control, something was stopping me. We were both anxious and nervous about it, but ready if that makes sense. DH and I discussed coming off BC in June but I ultimately decided myself that I wanted to stay on it an extra month because I didn’t feel 100% ready. DH was fine with no matter what I decided. A month later, (July) as silly as that sounds …. I felt more comfortable with the idea. Just needed some time to think logistically about things. Our first week off BC DH was like…. so this can’t happen right away can it? hahaha and I was like… oh yes hunny it sure can. But we both just assumed it would take awhile. Luckily for us we conceived our first try, which was a big shock. We were both super excited about it though. At 16 weeks pregnant… I feel like reality is just setting in and although we are still very excited, we have started discussing a lot of important baby and parenting related things, moreso than ever before.
Post # 12
@Saria213: I was in a similar boat as you.
DH was ready for kids about 10 years ago! I could probably go for another 5 years or so before I felt ready. My BC ran out after the wedding and we agreed to just use POM until we started trying in the fall. About a month into using the POM, we were DTD and DH asked if he could not pull out. I said yes and yay now we have a baby on the way! I didn’t really think I would get pregnant on a one and done, but it happened and I’m thrilled. I was atually nervous to test because I felt like I would be disappointed if it was negative, which I took as a sign that I was more ready than I thought. I don’t know if I ever would have felt ready to the point of saying okay, I really want to actively try. So, I’m glad it happened the way it did.
I think having kids is always going to be a leap of faith decision you have anxiety about – it’s a HUGE decision! But, for me, knowing we were physically, emotionally, financially prepared for it was more important then me personally feeling ready for sleepless nights and organizing my life around another human!
Post # 13
If you want kids, don’t let the stories you hear and read scare you. If it was that bad, do you really think anyone would have more than one child?
Post # 14
@Saria213: DH was ready first, but he’s also 9 years older than me. His biological clock was ticking!! lol
Post # 15
My husband is ready now; I am not.
Post # 16
@Saria213: SO had baby fever when we met! His last marriage ended childless and one of the first things he let be known was he wanted children by 35. WELL, thanks to a BC mixup he will be having a child a month before his 34th birthday.
Also we had both agreed 2 kids would be good…as soon as he saw the 10w sono he suddenly wanted 3-4!!!! lol