Post # 1
I have a friend who is about 100 pounds overweight. She has told me a couple times, “You need to help me eat better and lose weight.” She has asked me for weight loss and nutrition advice too.
Yesterday we hung out and she was pining over food items. “Oh sugar cookies…I just love them. I really wish I could have some but I cant.” etc. We were driving past Dunkin Donuts and she said, “Mmm, a donut. I’d love a donut but I can’t have one…” So I said, “You should change the way you think about food-” I intended to say, “Rather than think of all these things as delicious food items you have to deprive yourself of, you could instead try to retrain your brain into thinking of them as things that make you unhealthy and unhappy.”
But she cut me off, slowed the car down to about 10 mph and through gritted teeth turned to me and said, “Please don’t tell me what to do. That is very rude. You shouldn’t tell me what to do or eat.” She was SO pissed. So I said sorry and changed the subject.
Very awkward! She ticked me off especially since she deemed it necessary to start braking on a busy street, come to nearly a complete stop, glare at me and almost hiss the words.
Was I wrong? She has asked me for diet tips and weight loss advice! I am seriously pissed off at her for creating such an awkward situation. By the way, that is the first time I tried to give her advice, so it’s not like I badger her with weight loss tips.
Post # 3
I wouldn’t really call “You need to think of them as unhealthy!” as a diet tip tbh.
Sugar withdrawl is a real thing and it can make people pretty bitchy. Possible explaination. I’d just drop it and never bring it up again.
Post # 4
Weight is SUCH a touchy subject with women. No matter how many times someone asks for help it is still going to hurt their feelings when they are told something about how they are doing it wrong. If I were you, I would have gently reminded her that she had asked for the help and I was just trying to be a helpful friend. Don’t get mad though, she was just embarressed and lashed out. I don’t believe that she was actually mad at you.
Talk to her about it and clear the air.
Post # 5
I’d actually be pretty angry with her. Even if you were wrong (which I don’t think you were), I think her reaction was extremely rude and uncalled for.
I would guess that she asked for advice because she thought she should not because she actually wanted advice. People might be telling her she needs to do something about her weight, and her doing something was simply asking for advice (even though it was advice she clearly didn’t want to hear).
Post # 6
Geez! This is one of those situations where I would have SO inappropriately smirked or laughed because of the awkwardness. Haaa oops.
Yeah sugar addiction can be super real, and withdrawal can make people crazy. Mood swings, migraines, etc. Just let it go. Oh well…ha.
Post # 7
She was out of line, totally. I think that if I were in your position though, I would have been careful to say that in a way that was humorous or lighthearted or something so that my friend could consider my point internally but laugh it off externally. Even though she’s asked for help, she might not be ready to actually consider a lifestyle change and she wanted sympathy (“one donut won’t kill you!”).
Post # 8
hmmmmm tough One …..what you said definitely wasn’t wrong. if you made a moooooo noise or called her fatty I would say out of line. But saying that she needs to reevaluate how shethinks of food is pretty neutral
Post # 9
No you were not wrong, but she is obviously going through some mood swings. I would just leave it alone.
Post # 10
Seems like she had low blood sugar. But maybe next time ask, “Do you want my advice?” before yo give her advice. BTW I think you gave her good advice
Post # 11
@Hyperventilate: I said it very gently and calmly, and she wasn’t withdrawing from sugar at all. She eats candy and drinks sugary drinks all day.
@Birdee106: She actually was and is mad. I am seriously rethinking the friendship. She is acting as though she never, ever asked for me advice. She reiterated that I “was very rude, and shouldn’t tell her what to do.” Is she nuts? Seriously, she told me I need to help her lose weight! She is so unreasonable.
@Sonatine: I am really pissed. I have never felt so awkward in my life (I probably have, but ya know). We were on a 40 mph road and she slowed to 10 mph, turned to me with a furrowed brow and gritted teeth and hissed the words at me! It was SO uncomfortable.
@Cady: Thanks, because I don’t think I was wrong either. I was very gentle and not at all judgmental when I said what I said. I have expected her to apologize but no such luck. I should have reminded her that she had asked for my advice rather than just apologize and change the subject. Meanwhile, if she was withdrawing form sugar, I would be way more understanding, but she isn’t! She is still eting like she always has. When she pouts about not being able to have this or that, she eventually relents and gets it anyway, so it’s not like she is depriving herself.
Post # 12
Best advice to tell someone to change the way they talk is telling them to say “I don’t eat donuts”, “I don’t eat cookies”…instead of “I can’t” I read this in numerous places. It works. People at work will offer me cake on our monthly “cake day”…I just simply reply “I don’t eat cake”…instead of “I can’t, I’m on a diet”. It helps yourself with will power when dieting. (i’m diabetic, so this helps me with my will power with sweets!!!)
here is part of the article i read:
“Don’t say, “I can’t”Whether you’re trying to sidestep a fast food drive thru, leftover Halloween candy, or heaping plates of food at Thanksgiving, don’t tell yourself what you can’t eat. New research says you’ll get better results if you frame it a little differently and focus on what you don’t eat. “Can’t” sounds more like punishment than being healthy, researchers say, and it creates a sense of self-deprivation that can tank your motivation. On the other hand, reminding yourself you “don’t” eat certain foods helps steel your willpower towards a healthier lifestyle.
Case in point: When researchers divided a group of people into “can’t eats” and “don’t eats”, 64 percent of those in the “don’t” group passed up a candy bar in favor of a healthier granola bar–but only 30 percent of the “can’t” group chose the healthier snack. So cut the “can’ts”, and will yourself towards smaller portions of healthier food.”
ETA: I had a friend asking me to help her once….Literally had her had in a bag of chips drinking a diet soda. I’m like “Are you serious?” I told her for starters, take your hand out of that bag o’ chips…and put down the diet soda, the diet soda isn’t going to offset that bag of chips in your other hand and help you lose weight. She got mad…but she started thinking about it…and realized i was right. Needless to say, she started dieting and watching what she ate and stopped drinking diet soda.
Post # 13
@bunnyharriet: she sounds like a bitch. Next time she brings up ANYTHING weight related, I would tell her “stop talking to me about weighloss/food/etc. because I don’t want you to freak out like you did in the car the other day!”
Post # 14
Women like this shit me to tears. This is the reason she is 100lbs over weight, putting a small amount of the responsibility on you (“oh why did you let me eat that donut!!’) to shift the blame and make herself feel better. I would tell her not to talk to you about food, its not your responsibility to point out how unhealthy she is. If she cant do it herself then no one can do it for her. It does sound like she wants sympathy, a pitty conversation to boost her up.
Post # 15
@bunnyharriet: Okay maybe she is just being overly sensitive then. I know it dosn’t make any sense, but my sister is this way. She gained a lot of weight when she was pregnant with her daughter and has been gaining even more weight since. She is constantly complaining about it, posting pictures of models on facebook saying she wished she looked like them, not wanting to go shopping…..so when she says something like “I am going to go to Grand Burger to get a breakfast burrito” I will tell her that I don’t think she should and she cries at me and tells me I can’t tell her what to do.
So I don’t know whatever….
Post # 16
Honestly, if she’s got body issues an food issues (which I’m guessing at, really – there’s a real difference between being overweight and overeating and have a real problem with weight and overeating), then she might want help but also hate needing help. She totally overreacted, but I can understand her conflicting motivations. The best way to help someone trying to lose weight is by modeling behavior, or not providing any temptations when you hang out, even if you’re not trying to lose weight. And never criticize their eating habits. If the person has real body issues, that’s so devastating and plays into self-loathing.
But honestly, this wasn’t your fault. You were very obviously trying to be helpful!