Post # 1
My (debutante) mother and I are having a disagreement and I need you guys to settle the score!
My mom is VERY traditional and has been Emily Post in my face about many issues, however, on this one issue, I feel she is border line tacky.
My shower will be very small; the FH’s family is all overseas and they don’t typically have showers, so I don’t expect a shower gift from them. My coworkers are all throwing me a shower for work (I work with a few hundred people and about 40-50 would show up to my shower) so they aren’t invited to the shower my mom is hosting. Also, my mom doesn’t have that many people she’s inviting to the shower. The isuees are:
– she doesn’t want to invite guests (RELATIVES) that are from out of town because she doesn’t want them to feel obligated to attend.
– she wants to invite people OFF THE WEDDING GUEST LIST to the shower!
Please help …. Are you obligated to invite ALL the woman on the guest list, are you obligated to invite someone to the wedding if they are invited to the shower?
Post # 3
Never, never, never invite someone to the shower who isn’t invited to the wedding. If they are invited to buy you a gift, they should also be invited to your wedding celebration.
We’re not inviting all of the women on our guest list, for sure. Just the ones with whom we’re closest. And we are inviting some from out of town. If traveling to the shower is a hardship, they’ll decline. Simple as that. 🙂
Post # 4
Whatever you do you should not invite women to the shower who are not invited to the wedding
Post # 5
Why would someone not invited to your wedding spend money for a gift to come to a party that’s sole purpose is to celebrate something that they aren’t invited to?
See the logic there? Don’t invite anyone to a shower that isn’t invited to the wedding.
Post # 6
It is in extremely poor taste to invite somebody to a shower (by definition, a gift-centric event) without inviting them to the wedding.
Post # 7
Oooh Bees, thank you so much for the comments! I plan on printing them all out and handing them to my mother. Hopefully she sees the error in her ways… 🙂
Post # 8
I TOTALLY agree with you – but I think it gets difficult depending on where you live and your family’s traditions.
I’m currently going through this with FI’s family. They are throwing me a shower with 60+ people and most of them aren’t invited to the wedding. This made me really really uncomfortable. But … this is what they do. Every time there is a wedding, the whole community gets together, they host in the church basement, they cater it the same way… etc. And since my FMIL has helped out at all these showers over the years, she sees it as pay back time. She actually told me that all her friends and family owe her. Ugh. The whole thing has caused significant drama and stress between my FMIL, my mom (who sees things my way) and myself.
In my opinion, the shower should be close friends and family who are attending the wedding. But not necessarily all the women invited to the wedding. Good luck figuring things out with your mom!
Post # 9
As for your other question, no, you are not obligated to invite all of the women on the wedding guest list. It really should be limited to family and close friends.
I got a shower invitation for my childhood best friend’s brother’s fiance (whew) who I had met only twice before. Super awkward and, IMO, gift grabby.
Post # 10
yeah, inviting people to the shower who aren’t invited to the wedding is like saying “please give me a present, but don’t come to my wedding.” You should also tell your mom that it’s very against etiquette for her to host the shower (maybe that’ll get her off your back! And you can tell her to check with Emily Post on that one!) No one closely related to the bride is supposed to host a shower because it is again seen as the family asking for gifts. Instead, that should be your Maid of Honor’s task (if she isn’t your sister) or the other bride’smaids task. Since I don’t have a lot of female friends, and because the guest list is restricted to mostly family, my brother’s (who are going to be my attendants) have handed the responsiblity off to a friend of mine, who is working with my Aunt to make sure all the family (including the guys!!) are invited. Who says you can’t have a co-ed shower??
Post # 11
You are definitely not obligated to invite all the women to your shower that are invited to the wedding. However, I completely agree with others that you shouldn’t invite someone to the shower who is not invited to the wedding.
@ORella2012:I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the mom hosting the shower though. I’ve been to friends’ showers before that were hosted by their moms or sisters, and my mom is hosting mine. I guess it may be a regional thing though.
Post # 12
@ORella2012: Funny you should say that, her first complaint about the shower was that she was co-hosting it with the BM’s and that, “it isn’t proper for the mother of the bride to be seen asking for gifts.” But because my BM’s are either new-mom’s or not in the city, she’s taking on a bulk of the tasks.
Thanks so much for the thoughts ladies!!! 🙂