Who's right? Bday problems

posted 2 years ago in Babies
Post # 2
319 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

NewYearsEve:  Maybe a better way to present the option of the guest list would be to give you and your husband an agreed upon number of guests you could each invite? Say you each get 20.  That way it doesn’t matter WHO is invited-aunts, uncles, friends, siblings or whoever just stick to your number and the guest list wont get out of control.

Post # 3
2791 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - Walnut Hill Bed & Breakfast

I think guest lists should be put together based on who you regularly see and talk to rather than who ranks where on the family tree. 

Post # 4
46 posts
  • Wedding: May 2016

I think numbers are best eacheif you gets a set number say 15 or 20 depending and if anyone asks what was I not invited it’s a simple we could only invite X amout of people but we would love [blank] activity with you to celebrate [son’s name] birthday with you  or something along thoes lines. Or you could go out to lunch/dinner with aunts uncles ect to celebrate and only have parents and siblongs at the party. Hope everything works out

Post # 5
1716 posts
Bumble bee

shools164:  This is a great idea. I think it’s the most logical way to handle this issue. 

For what it’s worth, I think your husband is being silly. It’s unreasonable to compare a small family to a big family in this way. It’s unfair to you. So, needless to say, I think you’re right. However, to prevent anymore trouble, a set number of invites for each of you should be a good solution to this problem. 

Post # 6
992 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

We had the same problem. Hubby has big family who celebrates every occasion as one huge party, I have small family who we only see for holidays.

In the end, we did what WE wanted for our son’s birthday. I only wanted our parents and siblings. I didn’t want a whole crazy huge party with lots of stress that my son would never even remember.

It should be about who you and your husband want at your son’s birthday, not a pre-determined list based on what everyone has done in the past.

Post # 8
1355 posts
Bumble bee

Who do you actually spend time with? I would invite based on who your family spends time with.

Post # 9
2283 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I think he’s just being selfish and I can’t see another compromise, really. My FI and I have an opposite problem, I have 3 sisters and 5 brothers, 5 living grandparents (1 is a step grandparent that has been in my life for 24 years), and 12 aunts and uncles. My FI has 1 sister, no living grandparents, and 7 aunts and uncles. For our rehearsal dinner we’re inviting my siblings, parents and grandparents and he’s inviting his sister and her husband, parents and aunts and uncles. I couldn’t imagine throwing a fit and telling him that it’s not fair because I want to celebrate with my aunts and uncles too, so he should leave his out so that it’s “fair”. Even though I’d really love to have my whole family there. 

Post # 10
1532 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It is absoultely unfair to set a number for each side. That’s the whole point fo the problem. It is unfair if each person gets 20 because then DH is limited to immediate family only. It is unfair if each person gets a certainly level of family because then you have a smaller number of people.

First you guys just need to both agree that there is no fair way to do this. Like you said, it’s no one’s fault that your families are the way they are. But that’s how it is. And it’s not fair. So that would be a great place to start a new conversation.

Since there’s no fair way to split the guests, reaching a fair split can’t be your goal. You need to set a new goal. You should each ask yourselves what’s going to make the day most special for you. Don’t worry about the expectations of others or what was done in the past. Focus on what traditions you want to create for the future.

Good luck!

Post # 11
1716 posts
Bumble bee

NewYearsEve:  I see his side too, but he’s still being unreasonable.  

You have a small family, therefore the limits that apply to his large family simply will not work for your family. Unfortunately, he doesn’t understand this.  

Post # 12
7030 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

NewYearsEve:  Your husband is being ridiculous. Your aunt and uncles and cousins are expecting an invite because that’s how your family does it. His aunts and uncles won’t be expecting an invite anyway, and probably rarely see him or your child, so why invite them? Not every family does things the same way and he should be more accepting of your family’s traditions.

Post # 13
829 posts
Busy bee

I have this situation as well (I have no family and he’s literally got hundreds)– and even my man agrees your husband is being a total JERK!

Tell him that real equality = he can only invite the same # of people that you get to invite.

And when he refuses to give in, you invite all your family regardless of what he says! Invite them, don’t tell your husband, and *suprise* at the party! -he is your husband but that does not mean he gets to make all the rules. You do not have to obey his every word, he is NOT the boss! You are a 50/50 partnership and you can make your own decisions about who to invite to YOUR child’s birthday party!

Post # 14
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

At this point I would say, no party!

If your aunt’s and uncles are close family memembers you should be able to invite them.

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