Post # 1
FI and I just got into a little spat about who pays for what concerning the wedding party- he says that it’s “tradition” that we pay for everything: tux rentals, dresses, shoes, jewelry, etc. I say the exact opposite, that the members of the wedding party pay for these things, unless the bride and groom graciously offer to do so. Now as much as I would like to buy/pay for all of those things for our wedding party, we simply can’t. We are paying for our entire wedding ourselves, and it’s just not feasible. He says they already paid for our shower (you can read about that here: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/shower-disappointment and here: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/moh-not-attending-bette-party-long ) which really wasn’t a shower…. anyway, I say that those are things that the wedding party SHOULD do for the bride and groom, not required, of course. He says we should pay for the BM’s suit, and I firmly say no.
What does etiquette call for on this one? Should we pay for his suit, even though we really can’t afford it? Or should we leave it up his best man to come through? Any advice?
Post # 3
As far as I’ve ever heard, wedding party members are always responsible for paying for their own attire. That means tux rental & shoes for the guys and dresses, jewelery, shoes for the gals. I have heard of brides/grooms who offer to pay for these things, but it’s not required. Honestly, if I had been asked to be a BM, I would expect to pay for these things–that’s what’s usually done.
I gave my BM jewelery as a gift, but they bought their own shoes and dresses. Our guys paid for their tux rentals and wore their own shoes.
Post # 4
Honestly, you shouldn’t feel bad for having them pay for themselves. I think when you accept a role in the wedding party, it should be understood that you’ll be responsible for your attire, accessories and any travel costs.
I think it’s great when the couple offers to pay for everything, but I know we couldn’t afford to, either. I’m siding with you, 100 percent.
Post # 5
As a side note- MOH only had to buy her dress. AND she’s using that dress in BOTH of the weddings she is in: mine this weekend, and another in Sept. I’ve bought her shoes and jewelry, and I got her a separate gift.
Post # 6
i’ve seen both: where the bms paid for everything on their own and ones where the bride paid for everything. as a compromise to your groom could you pay for either dress / shoes / accessories in lieu of a bm’s gift? if you already have a gift budgeted, that would just offset costs / funds? else i don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking bm’s to pay – just make sure they know what to expect upfront from budget perspective.
Post # 7
Maybe your FI just wants equal treatment for his BM as you gave your MOH? Since you bought her shoes & jewelry (with what some consider joint money), maybe doing something equivalent would assuage your FI. Just a thought.
As for tradition, for every wedding I’ve been in (4), I’ve had to pay for my shoes & dress for all but one…and in that one, the bride’s mother made the BMs’ dresses while we used our own strappy black shoes. So don’t feel guilty & I wouldn’t shell out for any of the other groomsmen if you haven’t paid for anything for the bridesmaids.
Post # 8
I covered all my bridesmaid’s stuff, but mom made the dress and i let them pick out their own shoes so the girls bought their own. And we told the guys to wear whatever black shoes they wanted. We offset the cost of the tuxes in lieu of a gift though. We were going to get them cufflinks, but honestly, most of them had those and told us they appreciated the $50 gift cards. You’ll buy them gifts anyways, right? So that was practical for us and it was win-win.
Could you help out in a smaller way? Since he wants to cover all and you want to cover none, how about meeting in the middle and skipping a dinner or two out on the town? Set aside a certain budget for what you’re willing to help out for.
Post # 9
I’ve seen it done both ways. Our bridal party paid for their own things, with the exception of one bm who recently became laid off–we decided to cover her dress which she gladly accepted and will not be giving her a gift.
Post # 10
I have never heard of the bride & groom paying for the groomsmen & bridesmaids attire. Ever.
The only time I see it happen is if you really really want someone in your party who can’t afford it on their own but thats the only reason they say no.
Post # 11
Never heard of the couple paying for their attendants’ attire. The only they pay for is their flowers. Everything else is up to the bridesmaids and groomsmen. That includes any accessories the bridesmaids may wear or hair/makeup on the wedding day.
Post # 12
my friend offered to pay for part of my bridesmaid’s dress because it was super expensive and she knew that i’m unemployed at the moment, but that was just a nice offer and not something that was expected of her. i’ve never heard of that tradition.