(Closed) Whose hometown is the wedding traditionally supposed to be in?

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
583 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

BS! I’m so sorry you’re going through this! She is 100% in the wrong and I really hope you can stick to your guns.

If anything, I’d say the wedding should be in the bride’s hometown, over the groom’s.

I’m in a similar situation, but I’m blessed with a much more reasonable FMIL. She hasn’t said a single negative word since day 1. FI and I live in Nashville, but the wedding is in Cincinnati, my hometown. My family is much larger and does not travel for weddings often.

Try making up the guest list with both sides of the family and friends and calculate how many people would have to travel if the wedding were in MD and how many if it were in NY. Give her this information in a form that makes your position crystal clear and unarguable.

If she’s not going to contribute any money either way, then why does it matter at all what she thinks?

Post # 4
Member
4485 posts
Honey bee

Traditionally it is held in the bride’s hometown. These days most people don’t do that anymore and get married in the city they currently live in. Alot of people nowadays don’t have any ties to their hometown, especially if they have moved alot in their lifetimes.

 

Either way, you and your fiance are getting married, not his mother. Her choices don’t matter. If she doesn’t like it, too bad. He needs to stand up to her if he doesn’t already. Figure out how to pay for it yourself, even if that means cutting out things you don’t want or need or else holding off until you can afford what you want. It’s really no one’s responsibilty but your own to pay for the wedding.

Post # 5
Member
1194 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Forget tradition & etiquette here, the wedding should be where you & your fiance want it to be.  And, if she is overbearing and difficult to deal with, maybe you should ask your fiance to speak with her privately about what he (and you, obviously) want for the wedding and what it would mean to you all for her to be supportive of it. 

Don’t let this be a battle between just you & her or you’ll drive yourself crazy!  Ask for him to support you, if he agrees with you, and to express it to her.

Post # 6
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

The wedding should be where ever the two of you want it.  The bride’s hometown is probably traditional.  Most people do the city where they currently live nowadays.  However, I would think having it in the groom’s hometown would be pretty rare, unless the couple lived there.  I see your location says “DC Metro”, so I can see why she might have initially thought you would have the wedding in MD, but she’s totally over reacting.  You still have a long time until the wedding.  Just let the issue drop for a little while and give her time to get used to the idea.  I think eventually she’ll come around, even if she reacted badly at first.

Post # 7
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I am so sorry to hear that! How frustrating!

Traditionally, it is held in the Bride’s hometown, but it should be where you and your fiance want it.  I had the same trouble trying to pick a place, and my fiance and I decided that the town we live in would be best, my MIL wasnt pleased about it, but after my fiance talked to her on why we chose the location, she was a bit more understanding.  Maybe if your fiance talks to his mom, that might break a little tension?

Post # 8
Member
875 posts
Busy bee

The bride’s hometown or personal choice is the most traditional location.  However if the wedding is hosted by the groom’s family, and your family is not hosting … then it would fall to the host’s choice of locations.  I don’t think that you are being unreasonable, however the one factor that you may not be including in the travel costs to the groom’s family is the actual cost of staying in NYC.  I’m from rural Pennsylvania, and the cost of a trip to NYC is over the top.  The cost of a trip to the D.C. area is a little more in the ballpark.  You might be able to create a compromise that would be at a halfway point between the two locations… or within driving distance of NYC but not within the city limits that would make for a more affordable wedding. 

Post # 9
Member
647 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

The bride’s hometown is tradtional – but that was a long time ago when people were a lot less likely to move so far from home.  BUT throw tradition aside anyway, and this is a discussion your FI has to have with his mother.  You and your FI need to decide together what the best place for both of you and both of your families to have the wedding.  Then your FI needs to announce it to his family, as a decision you two have made, that’s not open for a discussion.

That being said, I agree with above posters that you might want to compromise on this.  NYC is ridiculously expensive for weddings, and for guests traveling to the wedding.  Maybe you could find a place that’s within easy distance for both families?

Post # 10
Member
447 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

This is a really bad sign, that your FMIL is holding her financial contribution over your head for every major decision.  I remember when you were posting about your engagement length!  I think you and your fiance need to put up a 100% united front and explain that you are willing to compromise – as shown by your lengthening the engagement – but that if she continues to threaten you, you won’t.

Also – it sounds like this lady doesn’t give a hoot about you or your family, so maybe you could frame your wishes along the lines of “it’ll be glamourous/more impressive/more chic” or whatever, rather than “this is what’s best for us and my family.”  Which kind of sucks, but it might be more effective.

And to answer your question, YES, traditionally, the wedding is in the BRIDE’S hometown!  DON’T GIVE IN.  You already did once.  If you give in now, it’ll just be another threat down the road.

Post # 11
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

OMG. Your MIL kind of sounds like a monster.  Although, in your last post you said that your agreement allowed her to plan 100% of the wedding right?  So to me it sounds like she was empowered to decide where the wedding is, in addition to the details.

I mean, I’d say “pay for your wedding yourself, do it on your timeline – location” but if she’s going to emotionally abandon her son then that’s not a great solution for y’all.  Has your FI had a conversation with her about how she’s hurting him? I mean, explicitly stated like that?

Post # 13
Member
1023 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I know I’m late to the discussion, but honestly I would take this as a huge sign that relying on your FIL’s financial contribution is a bad idea. I can just see this becoming her weapon for getting her way on every detail she disagrees with you two about. Don’t be held hostage! I would try to make it work without her contribution because then you don’t have to deal with being financially blackmailed for the next 2.5 years.

Post # 14
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

I’m kind of leaning on the side of Bamboo here.  I’m getting the impression that FMIL is holding all the strings.  You don’t want it in FI’s hometwon, yet it seems like it’s headed that way.  So it sounds like she’s paying for it.

These days weddings are wherever the bride and groom want it to be.  But bride’s and grooms are paying for weddings themselves, more and more.  If your FMIL is paying, she holds the power.  It might not be the nicest thing to have it in her hometown, but the tradition of having it in the bride’s hometown, was in part because the tradition was that the bride’s family paid.  

I’m sorry you’ve been put in this position.  But there is always an answer.  If you’re counting on FMIL’s money, you should weigh the value of having it, versus the value of having a wedding you pay for, on your own terms, and act accordingly.  Good luck.

Post # 15
Member
647 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Elope?  If you can’t afford a large wedding on your own, go get married at city hall or in Central Park in NYC.  Your family can come and witness it, and you can take everyone out for lunch afterwards.  Invite your MIL and your FI’s family, and if they choose not to come, oh well.  Weddings don’t have to be huge affairs, and one day isn’t necessarily worth 2.5 years of unnecessary stress and emotional black mail.  Plan an event you can afford on your own without your MIL’s contribution, and she’ll have to either fall in line and accept it, or withdraw completely.  Her choice.

Post # 16
Member
5755 posts
Bee Keeper

A good compromise might be to find something halfway in between both areas,requiring both families to have to travel. That way there’s no favoritism for either side. Would that be something she could accept?

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