Post # 1
My whole engagement process has been a mess and Im practically having nightmares about wedding planning because I dont have a say in anything.
FI, FILs and I had a brief discussion about the wedding and FIL’s dad mentioned having the wedding in NYC (where I’m from and all my family is).
MIL FREAKED OUT and started yelling saying how can we have the wedding in NYC when FI’s family is from MD.
She said she would come to a NYC wedding but would not contribute at all (which is what we have agreed to in exchange for a 2.5yr engagement)
I asked her why is it that my family doesn’t matter and she just kept shaking her head no and saying “this is how I want it and how it should be”.
The thing is my WHOLE family lives in NYC, plus I come from a working class background and people in my family dont really have the resources to take time off, travel, and pay for hotel room, rental cars, etc for the wedding. I will have significantly less people from my side at the wedding.
FI’s family is spread all over the east coast and would be traveling anyway, and honestly, they can afford it much much more than my family can.
But MIL does not care and has already decided.
Im am just so frustrated b/c I dont matter at all. It’s like being the bride means nothing. I feel so dejected.
I feel like Im gonna end up paying for a bunch of hotel rooms out of my own pocket.
Post # 3
BS! I’m so sorry you’re going through this! She is 100% in the wrong and I really hope you can stick to your guns.
If anything, I’d say the wedding should be in the bride’s hometown, over the groom’s.
I’m in a similar situation, but I’m blessed with a much more reasonable FMIL. She hasn’t said a single negative word since day 1. FI and I live in Nashville, but the wedding is in Cincinnati, my hometown. My family is much larger and does not travel for weddings often.
Try making up the guest list with both sides of the family and friends and calculate how many people would have to travel if the wedding were in MD and how many if it were in NY. Give her this information in a form that makes your position crystal clear and unarguable.
If she’s not going to contribute any money either way, then why does it matter at all what she thinks?
Post # 4
Traditionally it is held in the bride’s hometown. These days most people don’t do that anymore and get married in the city they currently live in. Alot of people nowadays don’t have any ties to their hometown, especially if they have moved alot in their lifetimes.
Either way, you and your fiance are getting married, not his mother. Her choices don’t matter. If she doesn’t like it, too bad. He needs to stand up to her if he doesn’t already. Figure out how to pay for it yourself, even if that means cutting out things you don’t want or need or else holding off until you can afford what you want. It’s really no one’s responsibilty but your own to pay for the wedding.
Post # 5
Forget tradition & etiquette here, the wedding should be where you & your fiance want it to be. And, if she is overbearing and difficult to deal with, maybe you should ask your fiance to speak with her privately about what he (and you, obviously) want for the wedding and what it would mean to you all for her to be supportive of it.
Don’t let this be a battle between just you & her or you’ll drive yourself crazy! Ask for him to support you, if he agrees with you, and to express it to her.
Post # 6
The wedding should be where ever the two of you want it. The bride’s hometown is probably traditional. Most people do the city where they currently live nowadays. However, I would think having it in the groom’s hometown would be pretty rare, unless the couple lived there. I see your location says “DC Metro”, so I can see why she might have initially thought you would have the wedding in MD, but she’s totally over reacting. You still have a long time until the wedding. Just let the issue drop for a little while and give her time to get used to the idea. I think eventually she’ll come around, even if she reacted badly at first.
Post # 7
I am so sorry to hear that! How frustrating!
Traditionally, it is held in the Bride’s hometown, but it should be where you and your fiance want it. I had the same trouble trying to pick a place, and my fiance and I decided that the town we live in would be best, my MIL wasnt pleased about it, but after my fiance talked to her on why we chose the location, she was a bit more understanding. Maybe if your fiance talks to his mom, that might break a little tension?
Post # 8
The bride’s hometown or personal choice is the most traditional location. However if the wedding is hosted by the groom’s family, and your family is not hosting … then it would fall to the host’s choice of locations. I don’t think that you are being unreasonable, however the one factor that you may not be including in the travel costs to the groom’s family is the actual cost of staying in NYC. I’m from rural Pennsylvania, and the cost of a trip to NYC is over the top. The cost of a trip to the D.C. area is a little more in the ballpark. You might be able to create a compromise that would be at a halfway point between the two locations… or within driving distance of NYC but not within the city limits that would make for a more affordable wedding.
Post # 9
The bride’s hometown is tradtional – but that was a long time ago when people were a lot less likely to move so far from home. BUT throw tradition aside anyway, and this is a discussion your FI has to have with his mother. You and your FI need to decide together what the best place for both of you and both of your families to have the wedding. Then your FI needs to announce it to his family, as a decision you two have made, that’s not open for a discussion.
That being said, I agree with above posters that you might want to compromise on this. NYC is ridiculously expensive for weddings, and for guests traveling to the wedding. Maybe you could find a place that’s within easy distance for both families?
Post # 10
This is a really bad sign, that your FMIL is holding her financial contribution over your head for every major decision. I remember when you were posting about your engagement length! I think you and your fiance need to put up a 100% united front and explain that you are willing to compromise – as shown by your lengthening the engagement – but that if she continues to threaten you, you won’t.
Also – it sounds like this lady doesn’t give a hoot about you or your family, so maybe you could frame your wishes along the lines of “it’ll be glamourous/more impressive/more chic” or whatever, rather than “this is what’s best for us and my family.” Which kind of sucks, but it might be more effective.
And to answer your question, YES, traditionally, the wedding is in the BRIDE’S hometown! DON’T GIVE IN. You already did once. If you give in now, it’ll just be another threat down the road.
Post # 11
OMG. Your MIL kind of sounds like a monster. Although, in your last post you said that your agreement allowed her to plan 100% of the wedding right? So to me it sounds like she was empowered to decide where the wedding is, in addition to the details.
I mean, I’d say “pay for your wedding yourself, do it on your timeline – location” but if she’s going to emotionally abandon her son then that’s not a great solution for y’all. Has your FI had a conversation with her about how she’s hurting him? I mean, explicitly stated like that?
Post # 12
Thanks guys. Yes FI has talked to both of his parents repeatedly on his own. There has been so much yelling about it. His mom doesn’t want to hear it and just calls both of us disrespectful. He’s so hurt and frustrated by them that he just wants to move away. He’s barely speaking to them; Im the one encouraging him to engage with them still at least for his siblings sake.
I dont even know what else to do except for simply emotionally detaching myself from this wedding and focus on my engagement and marriage.
Thanks y’all for all your words but I realize there really is no solution. There is no respect on their parts so they won’t take us seriously.
Im convinced that wedding are evil, not happy times.
Love you guys!!
Post # 13
I know I’m late to the discussion, but honestly I would take this as a huge sign that relying on your FIL’s financial contribution is a bad idea. I can just see this becoming her weapon for getting her way on every detail she disagrees with you two about. Don’t be held hostage! I would try to make it work without her contribution because then you don’t have to deal with being financially blackmailed for the next 2.5 years.
Post # 14
I’m kind of leaning on the side of Bamboo here. I’m getting the impression that FMIL is holding all the strings. You don’t want it in FI’s hometwon, yet it seems like it’s headed that way. So it sounds like she’s paying for it.
These days weddings are wherever the bride and groom want it to be. But bride’s and grooms are paying for weddings themselves, more and more. If your FMIL is paying, she holds the power. It might not be the nicest thing to have it in her hometown, but the tradition of having it in the bride’s hometown, was in part because the tradition was that the bride’s family paid.
I’m sorry you’ve been put in this position. But there is always an answer. If you’re counting on FMIL’s money, you should weigh the value of having it, versus the value of having a wedding you pay for, on your own terms, and act accordingly. Good luck.
Post # 15
Elope? If you can’t afford a large wedding on your own, go get married at city hall or in Central Park in NYC. Your family can come and witness it, and you can take everyone out for lunch afterwards. Invite your MIL and your FI’s family, and if they choose not to come, oh well. Weddings don’t have to be huge affairs, and one day isn’t necessarily worth 2.5 years of unnecessary stress and emotional black mail. Plan an event you can afford on your own without your MIL’s contribution, and she’ll have to either fall in line and accept it, or withdraw completely. Her choice.
Post # 16
A good compromise might be to find something halfway in between both areas,requiring both families to have to travel. That way there’s no favoritism for either side. Would that be something she could accept?