whose house to live in or new home in second marriage

posted 3 years ago in Home
Post # 3
5763 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I think your quandry over which house to live in is just the tip of the iceberg.  You each have very different spending and saving styles, and because so many divorces are rooted in fights over money, it’s fully in your best interest to resolve these overall differences before you marry.  I genuinely can’t say if it’s “better” or “settling” to go with a smaller house or a bigger house— every couple is different, every situation is different— but I do know that you need to find some common ground on your financial strategy overall. Once you have that answer, the house question will answer itself.

Post # 4
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

1700 isn’t particularly small.  How many bedrooms?  If there are at least 3, I think his house could work well.  Especially since your kids are older and will probably be moving out in the near future. 

I think there could be an argument for staying in your house (since your kids are comfortable there) but you are selling it anyways.

Post # 6
1441 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@clm123:  Only one living area? How tough. 

Post # 7
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Just because relationships are give and take doesn’t mean that every single decision is a compromise where you meet exactly in the middle.  It’s more about making mutual decisions.

I agree with @Horseradish:  – I think this is a smaller symptom of the bigger problem that you have different perspectives on money.  Have you talked about what he is saving his money for?  Since he is a business owner, his income may be highly variable, so he can’t risk buying the house he could afford this year.  Also, he may be much more responsible for paying for his own retirement and health insurance..

Post # 8
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@HannahGrace:  haha 😀 I was thinking the same thing.


OP, I think that even a 2500 sq ft house is pretty large. The kids are older so do you really think they will be home that much that they will need this extra space? Having their own room is a privilege and is their space. In a few years, neither of them may be living with you so do you think it’s worth buying such a large home when soon, it may be just the two of you? I would at least give it a try and see how it works out. 

Post # 10
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Could you pay for a new house in cash? If he owns his everything will be profit and if you are selling yours, assuming you’re not upside down, you’ll make something. Maybe agreeing that you will buy a new house for whatever you have from the sold houses could help. That way there is no new expenses for him and you’re getting a little more space. 

Post # 11
6048 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

How many more years is your daughter going to be in college, shouldn’t she about done?  If you sell his house, buy a bigger house, then she finishes college do you downsize again?  He seems pretty responsible with money, sounds like a nice area, maybe you could add on a small room for a second living area.  Is there a basement cause teens could use that. 

I’m one of five kids and the biggest house we had was 2k square feet, we had a formal living room and a TV room, and a finished basement for the teenagers.   Our house was the nieghborhood hangout. 

If it’s paid off why go further in debt, especially when your downsizing family size anyway. 

Post # 13
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@HannahGrace:  you said,

Only one living area? How tough. 

Ok so you cannot relate to the OP.

But that is no reason to belittle her…

She is probably in a whole different spot in her life than YOU are in yours

In so much as she has a 20 year old daughter… and I am guessing probably a 20 to 25 year work history

She’s worked hard for what she has in life… and what she’s got

She should not have to apologize for that

She never insulted YOU personally… she was framing her situation in comparisson to the one that she has with her BF and her kids.

— — —

To @clm123: I can relate.

I was married the first time for over 20+ years.  My Divorce was hell, and I ended up virtually homeless at one point in time after My Ex effed me over financially (beautiful 3000 Square Foot Home that I LOVED and raised my family in… that I worked tooth & nail to have … gone.  A distant memory)

I eventually moved into a much smaller place … but it was well laid out.  It served as a base camp for my now grown children to come “home to”.

But it was never the same… “Our Home” was gone.

And yes, there was a sense of loss for all of us.

Today, I live with Mr TTR.  His home is older and not ideal… but he loves it here.  He’s been here over 30 years… he is resistent to move as it was the “Family Home” for his kids.

Merging families is hard… and altho one would think it is “just living space”… the difficulty lies in the LIVING Part.

I strongly believe that a house has a personality, and reflects those who dwell there.

In your situation, you are attached, he is attached… you are willing to move on… he is not.  He is comfy.

You cannot afford probably to maintain the bigger house alone (or it is a lot of work for one person)… and he cannot see the benefit of living there… probably for a variety of reasons.

And no doubt you see issues with moving into his… I soooo GET THAT.  Moving in on someone else’s turf is very very difficult.  (Mr TTR & I are still having issues with this… much like Carrie Bradshaw in Sex In The City… I held onto my condo for an extended period of time as a “security blanket”)

My Best Advice is if you guys can swing it… and you can get him to agree is you look for a home to call your own and move into together on equal footing.  Then you won’t feel like you are a Guest in a home that is the “Marital Home” (I still feel this way at times)

Getting a place that you two can call BOTH OF YOURS will make a world of difference.  And yes, as you all can afford it… something large enough to take on two adult (as in over 12) young women would also make sense… enough bedrooms, an extra bath, and a Family Room or Rec Room area for their relaxation.

For now, there is just Mr TTR & I (are kids are all in their 30s).  And no Grand-Kiddies in sight so we don’t have to worry so much about extra Bedrooms or Recreation areas… we make do with a tiny Kitchen, small Dining nook, and one Living area as well.

I am hoping that as soon as we Retire (within the next year or two) that we sell up this property, and look for a 3 Bedroom Bungalow that is more modernized… would love an Ensuite Bath, Modern Kitchen, Dining & Entertaining Areas, and a 2 Car Garage… all things I had in my Marital Home. 

Lol, I long for the day this happens… because I truly believe it will a relaunch in many ways for us… in that we’ll be starting over from scratch without “the stuff” that has become a symbol of holding us back (in the past)

And give us a fresh start… it will be fun to make to be inspired and make decisions together on decor in a place that WE WILL CALL OUR OWN.

So, ya… IF you can get him to agree… I strongly say YES… get a place FOR THE TWO OF YOU TO START AFRESH FROM

Hope this helps,


Post # 14
1802 posts
Buzzing bee

@clm123:  I think you guys could move into his house at first since it is paid off and then find a house that is a happy medium for the both of you. I tend to agree with him that you really don’t need 4,000 sq. ft. when you are only a few years away from having an empty nest, but I do think that 1,700 sq. ft. will be small for four people even just for 4-6 years. 

Post # 16
1441 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@This Time Round:  Not sure how old you think I am, but I’m the same age as the OP and my family of four grew up in a three bedroom house with one full bathroom. It can be done. 

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