Post # 1
I’ve written several posts on here regarding a certain bridesmaid with whom I feel I am at a constant battle.
My FI has basically had enough of her trying to tell me how the wedding is going to be and wants me to draw the line and ask her to step down.
But I feel like there might be more to it than her just wanting to give me a hard time…I don’t know. I was her MOH last year and I’d feel terrible if she weren’t a part of my wedding in a big way.
Most recently she argued with me about my guest list. We want an adult reception. She, as well as nearly everyone else in our bridal party, has children. I’ve agreed to let her son be the ring bearer. As for her 2-year-old daughter, I expected her to leave her at home.
But she blatently said that both of her kids WOULD be at the wedding and then got upset when I finally stopped trying to be nice and said plainly, "Just find a babysitter."
Of all my bridesmaids, she seems to have the most issues, whether it’s being able to afford her dress and her son’s wedding clothes as well as simply finding something for her husband to wear to attend– it’s at a country club and there’s a strict dress code. She and her husband aren’t exactly used to getting dressed up very often. She refuses to buy a tie because "he’s just going to take it off when he gets there anyway."
I’m at my witts end. I don’t want her to feel like I’m picking on her. But there’s got to be a better way to get my concerns accross to her without her getting so defensive.
My wedding is in May. I told her that by September, she needs to be able to be completely honest with me about whether or not she can afford for her and her son to be in the wedding. Was that going too far?
Post # 3
So she wanted her son to be in the wedding – then started complaining about the cost of his clothes? That’s ridiculous!
Also – I’m sure the husband can borrow a tie (or even a whole outfit) from someone.
Sounds like she not being a very loving and supportive friend. It’s 11 months until you’re wedding and there are this many issues? I would hate to see the drama she’s able to cause over the next 11 months.
I would just be true to yourself and think long and hard about the importnace of her standing by your side. Is it worth all the drama and stress?
ALSO – she still has 11 months to prepare finacially to be in your wedding and part of your day. Honestly she has choices in life. She’s choosing to spend money on other things cause they are more important to her than the clothes for your wedding.
Post # 4
I agree with jilian. She doesn’t sound like much of a friend to me at all, actually– very demanding, selfish and argumentative. Is this really the kind of person you want standing up for you on your wedding day? Much less throughout this year of planning and preparation.
Your FH is right– you need to have a serious talk with her. It may damage your friendship, but right now she is walking all over you and that won’t change unless you draw the line.
Post # 5
How terrible! It almost sounds like, although she originally accepted to be your BM and have her son in your wedding, now she is realizing she can’t afford it. Perhaps she would be relieved if you gave her the option of stepping down? At least talk with her and tell her that although you’d love for her to be in your wedding party, the last thing you’d want is for her participation to cause her any burden, since you’ve noticed she seems to be having trouble with a lot of it. If she says it’s not about the money, then you should ask her what’s bothering her, because she’s causing you a lot of stress. If that doesn’t work and she’s still acting up, I would seriously reconsider having her be a part of it. I know in all the bridal magazines they always say it’s in poor taste to "uninvite" someone to be in the party but if she’s being this difficult she’s already tarnished the friendship by being so unsupportive, and practically giving you no choice in the matter. Besides, maybe in 11 months she’ll get over it…
Post # 6
I know that there is a right way to go about situations like these; but in my expereince, my biggest regret was to disregard my gut instinct and to keep my MOH. In addition to the guilt and the sister responsibility (yes, my MOH was my sister), it was nothing compared to her unsupportiveness and negativity that she expressed throughout the whole process. I can honestly say that I should have asked her to step down.
Your MOH should be someone supportive, positive, and truly happy for you, especially on your special day. For whatever reason(s), it does not seem like your MOH is expressing any of this. (I can’t believe she’s telling you how things are gonna go.)
To be fair, you need to seriously talk this over. If she doesn’t get the message, then I would gently let her go. You could either get someone else, or just leave the wedding party as it is without her.
Remember, this is a time of celebration, not for someone to come around and ‘rain on your parade’. This is your wedding.
Post # 7
- Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park
Sounds like she may have made some choices about her own wedding that disappointed her and now she’s trying to manipulate you into doing the things SHE wants/wanted.
Use this line, and use it liberally: "I appreciate your feedback, I really do. But we’ve already made our decision and we’re sticking to it."
Post # 8
You say that you would feel terrible if she wasn’t part of your wedding in a big way – but it sounds like you’re going to spend plenty of time feeling bad if she is. There is a ton of stress involved in wedding planning even if everyone is pretty supportive. You really don’t need someone that you have to fight every step of the way. From where I am now (22 days until our wedding) I would say that you need to nicely tell her that you’ve decided, given the financial stress and many responsibilities of being MOH, you think that you would both be happier if she didn’t have all that to worry about. Seriously – MOH is an honor, but sometimes a dubious one, as it costs and costs and costs, in both money and time. Whereas the honor of giving a reading, or even just coming as a guest and enjoying yourself without any responsibilities other than dressing up and being pleasant, is very nice indeed.
And really – once you let people (guest or bridal party) know in no uncertain terms how something is (e.g., no children) having them contradict you the way she did (both my kids WILL be at the wedding) is completely inappropriate. I agree that she actually doesn’t sound like a very good friend. Or at least she sounds like the kind of friend who is only happy when she gets her own way – and really, that’s not a very good friend.
Post # 9
- Wedding: August 2009 - Bernardo Winery
I’m confused you are letting her son be a ring bearer, but you want her to leave her daughter @ home?
I understand you are frustrated w/ other things, but I think its kinda rude to let one kid come, but not the other.
Post # 10
I know that brides always know how other brides feel and that the whole "This Is Your Day. This Is Your Wedding. Do What You Want" always comes up. As a bride, I’m going to try and flip the tables around and try to better understand the other side.
While it sounds frustrating, I agree that I can’t understand her reasons for not purchasing a tie. She seems like a woman stuck on principle too much if she thinks her hubby is just going to take it off when he gets there and cites this as a reason for not purchasing one. Well, that’s just silly, because then why buy lingerie for a honeymoon if it’s just going to be on for a few minutes then ripped off? 🙂
As far as not being able to afford the clothing for the both of them, especially her son, we also have to look at the costs. How much are the bridesmaid dresses and the ring bearer’s outfit? Being able to afford a $100 dress is different than affording to buy a $400 dress. Though I agree there are costs involved in becoming involved with a wedding, there are costs that are easier to bear and those that are a lot harder to swallow. This has to be considered. Now, I’m not disagreeing with your points in your original post, I’m just trying to better understand the situation.
However, like AliCherri1, I really think it is rude of your allowing her to bring her son to the wedding, but expect her to leave her daughter at home. Think this out and through. If you had children and you were going to a friend’s wedding with your husband but the bride only was allowing one of your children to go and not the other, how would that work out with you? I really see the validity in her bringing up the guest list issue regarding her children.
Everyone has different tolerance levels and knows their friends, family, and situation best. If you feel that this bridesmaid is going to cause a lot of problems for this event or even amongst other bridal party members, consider asking her to step down. Don’t keep someone out of obligation because you were a part of her wedding but just think it out carefully before you act on anything. If you do ask her to step down, be prepared that she may take it very personally and that it may hurt your friendship. (You never know! Hope for the best, prepare for the worst kind of thing.)
Post # 11
I am sorry you are experiencing this with a BM… but I wanted to clarify. Is she a BM or MOH? I guess it doesn’t matter too much because either way it is painful when someone you think is a close friend is making your wedding bliss so difficult to enjoy. If you are such close friends that you were her MOH, I think hoensty is the best policy. Let her know she is stressing you out and ask (nicely) if she wouldn’t like to simply step down and maybe take another role in the wedding day. Also, I read somewhere that if you are having a "no kids" policy, this has to apply to ALL kids. Therefore, you shouldn’t have a ring bearer or flower girl. Odds are, if she is upset that she has to leave one child at home (which I agree is a little unfair) other guests are going to be upset to see her son there when they had to leave their kids at home – they may not say it to your face, but the feelings will be there, no doubt. good luck!