Post # 1
I graduated in 2010 from undergraduate college. My college roommate, within months of graduating, was engaged. We have been dating our boyfriends for an equal amount of time (her a month longer than I), although she did know her SO for a few years longer. Here’s the issue. Since her engagement, I have felt a bit of a rift between us. Not anything hostile, just a sort of distance. Every time we talk, she informs me of yet another one of her SO’s friends who has gotten engaged, and her new social group revolves around those friends and their fiancees.
I feel left out because it seems like she has a hard time relating to me now that it’s all about wedding planning and buying houses. Although I would love to be on the same path with my boyfriend, other circumstances have prevented that from being so easy at the moment (his job and my graduate school in different states). I am not jealous of her or feeling hostile. I just want my friend back.
The other day we had a discussion about a ring that I had fallen in love with, although I told her it’s just not time yet. Soon, though. Her response was that if we love each other, we should just do it, so I feel that she is feeling this same rift as I. Almost like if I were to be engaged, we could relate to each other again. It’s just that I don’t think it is right to think that my engagement would fix things…We should be able to relate to each other based on our past commonalities, right?
Anyway, you would all know better than I, being engaged yourselves…did you experience anything like this with your friends?
Post # 3
@jaybird12:Personally? No. But that’s probably because my FI and I have always seen each other as married, just without the legalities that went with it (aka paperwork/ceremony). We act like a married couple and think like a married couple (usually… there are a few slip-ups on BOTH our sides on occassion, but nothing major). Our friends go from being married to single to divorced to dating. Soooo, we don’t really see the whole thing as “engaged” or “single” or “married”. We love our friends as people and don’t put ALL the emphasis on their marital status. Of course, we also have two kids, which adds a fun dynamic to A LOT of things, lol.
I do know this happens though, when people go from high school to college, single to dating/engaged/married. It’s all about where they are in life.
To me, I’d think it has more to do with her mind being on the engagement, wedding, and change to married life. You, however, are still going to college (if I read that right?) and aren’t “settling down” like she and her now-fi are. It’s kinda like when you graduate high school and some friends go to college and others enter the workforce while you’re stuck in limbo. (if that makes any sense?)
I’d say suggest hanging out with her and the girls and not talking about weddings, engagements, or stuff like that and do things you BOTH love doing. That might help lessen the gap. 🙂 maybe meet for dinner and a movie or something?
Post # 4
It might be the engagement issue, but I have to say I drifted from my college friends after graduation too – it’s normal. Yes, it’s sad to outgrow friendships and realize some folks you thought would be lifelong friends are just time/place friends, but it happens. If you want to keep the friendship, you have to figure out how much effort to invest in trying to keep it going. People change over time and friendships need to grow and change with them.
Anyway, you would all know better than I, being engaged yourselves…did you experience anything like this with your friends? Btw, you posted in the wrong section if you wanted to talk to engaged women.
Post # 5
Samw sort of thing happens when you have babies and other people don’t. These type of life changing events also can cause changes in friendships. Don’t take it too personal- we all will or have gone through the same thing.
Post # 6
Thanks everyone. I guess I knew it was normal, but it’s just nice to hear from other people sometimes. I am sort of an anomoly, I guess because all of my best friends from high school are still my best friends, so I’m not really used to losing people who I consider so close. I also need to examine myself…perhaps it’s just me who feels the divide, not her. It’s something I think I need to get past myself. Not to mention, although my boyfriend and I are not quite at the point to be engaged, and I’m not jealous of her engagement, per se, I might have some latent annoyance that her relationship is progressing forward so nicely but mine seems to be regressing, as my boyfriend is about to move 8 hours away while I will remain in my current location for graduate school. I think what’s in order is a nice face-to-face chat and girl’s day 🙂
Post # 7
@jaybird12: First of all, you figure out who your true friends are based on the ones you keep in touch with after school. 14 years after graduating from high school, my four best friends and I still get together all the time. 13 years after college, my best friend from college and I are still as close as ever. You realize who you actually have a deep and meaningful friendship with and who was a good friend because certain commonalities threw you together.
Second point, your friend is focused on one thing and one thing only…her wedding. Fair enough to an extent, but definitely not a reason for you to feel pressured to get married. You sound much more sensical about things than she does; she sounds a bit immature to be honest.
It’s ok to grow apart, that’s part of growing up. You are only in your early 20s I’m guessing and you still have a lot of life changes that are going to occur for you. Some of your friends will remain with you, others won’t. As you grow and mature, things will change and with that friendships will come and go. It’s always a bit sad bu it’s a part of life.
Post # 8
I think that friends change as your status changes. For instance when you’re in a relationship, you tend to hang out with other couples. Then when you’re engaged it’s easier to relate to women who are planning a wedding or have planned a wedding. Then when you’re married it’s easier to have friends who are buying houses and having babies. The same thing once you have kids. It’s hard for your non-kid friends to understand that you can’t just go out at 9pm, because you need a sitter and stuff. It’s just a change in lifestyle during each one of these steps.
Post # 9
I think sometimes you may have a hard time relating to some friends, but not all. I know there are different “stages” in life (as if they are still stages when you are older,LOL), but people go through them at different times. My non-married friend and I (a waiting bee)bought houses last year and my married friend didn’t. We could still relate to her. My other friend got married in 2009, and my other friend and I are not engaged,we still related to each other and still hang out.
I think if a person is your friend, a real one, not just an associate, they will be your friend regardless.