Post # 1
I was looking on weddingbee and there is so much BM drama. Some BMs are too involved, some aren’t involved, some get angry, some dissapear.
What is it about wedding that bring out all these issues? I personally am a very nice person but being a bride makes me really anxious to maintain relationships with BM, make them feel all included. I don’t ask them to do anything (i do all wedding related activiteis with my mom) but i still have drama with one over the dress.
It’s like , give a bride a break! It just gets me to thinking, what about this situation causes so much drama!?!
Post # 3
I think it brings out alot of peoples emotions. Jealousy & anger are probably the biggest ones.
Post # 4
I guess you find out your true friends when you ask them to take on such an important role. For me I asked my friend to be my MOH (she moved 10hrs away) we still talked but then a situation occurred that made things awkward between us and I had to ask her not to be in the wedding. She blamed me of course and called me some choice words…at least I know who my real friends are now and this all happened 8 months out from the wedding not 8 weeks. I haven’t been overbearing to my ther bridesmaids though guess it just depends on the personality mix etc
Post # 5
@jenilynevette: +1. Even though we ladies are supposed to be *ecstatic* for our girlfriends getting married, there’s almost always someone in the group who is going to be envious. I’ve been trying to keep this at bay by spending time with my girls one on one and keeping our “us” time a wedding-free zone, unless THEY bring it up.
Post # 6
I’m going to go against the grain and suggest that brides also sometimes cause tension. They feel the importance of the event moreso than the bridesmaids ever could, and oftentimes forget that the wedding isn’t the most important event in the bridesmaids’ lives. So small things on either of their sides can be blown into huge proportions.
Post # 7
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
It’s a combination of mismatched expectations about roles and responsibilities (what the bride expects vs. what the maids expect), the unrealistic cultural expectations and fantasies that surround weddings, our habit as women to fixate on appearances, and heightened emotions that show our true selves (whether good or bad).
Why do brides get upset when their maids don’t give a sh*t about flowers (or wedding dress shopping or bridal showers or whatever), but grooms couldn’t care less if the best man never asks anything more about the wedding than “So, uh, what time do I need to show up on your wedding day?”
Edit: I will say that having just been a bridesmaid, it can be an incredibly draining experience. The bride is a lovely person, but wedding planning turned her into someone that no one knew. She went from having not been in a nail salon in more than a decade to someone who was prescribing the exact manicure and pedicure that the maids were required to have. She made us stand outside in our flimsy dresses in 50 degree weather so she could have outdoor photos (and I was sick as a dog having problems breathing). She spent a ton to rent chivari chairs but didn’t pay for delivery/set-up/return, expecting the bridal party to do all of the work. And the only person that could have set her straight without incurring her full bridal wrath was her FI, and he kept his mouth shut. So we did as we all gritted our teeth and made the best of it, hoping that she would get back to being the thoughtful, happy person we know and love just as soon as it was over. Honestly, we all deserved an award for “most tolerant friends ever” and I can very easily see where someone with less patience would have become “THAT bridesmaid” who the bride thinks is difficult. A bride may not think that she is the problem because she’s only looking at one thing or another (it’s only 30 minutes of being cold, it’s only a few hours of driving and hauling, it’s only $90 for this manicure and pedicure, it’s only 50 people that I want invited to my shower), but I guarantee that the bridal party is adding up all of these “onlys” and silently (or not so silently) cursing the day they agreed to stand up. I’m not saying every bride does this, but many do without even realizing it. Even a lovely person with a sweet disposition can turn into a bit of a ‘zilla.
Post # 8
@doubtingdebbieah: I am one of the brides who is experiencing drama with BMs. I would have never, ever in a million years foreseen this, as I have been as laid back as they come. For me, and possibly other brides out there, the problem has been those BM’s that you “had” to ask. For me, it’s been my FSIL who I have been close with, but am now finding out that she couldn’t give two shits about my wedding. I had to ask her because a) she’s family and b) my other FSIL is my MOH. I have friends who are more dedicated to supporting me than she is. For others it may be that girl who you’ve been friends with forrrrrrever that you promised would be your BM since you were like, 6, and now is super flaky. For others it may be that girl in your social circle who you’re not as close with, but would be insulted if you didn’t ask her because you asked everyone else.
Looking back, I would have just chosen my best friend (and not family) to stand next to me and thats it.
Post # 9
It’s what happens when you have several females involved. LOL
Post # 10
I think it’s expectations. If we’re honest, how much do we brides care about someone else’s wedding? Not too much, really. We might care about the bride and do what we think is reasonable as bridesmaids, but no more than that. But we expect bridesmaids to care about our weddings to the degree we care.
Post # 11
@doubtingdebbieah: I’ve had ZERO issues so far and I have 6. They all bought their dresses and one had financial issues so I bought hers. I do all wedding related things with my mom unless they specifically ask and say they want to come. I dont like to call people jealous bc I think that’s ridiculous. I kind of have zero expectations except for them to show up for my wedding and have fun. I really think this is why I’ve had no issues.
Post # 12
I was MOH last year and i know I got annoyed bc she basically wanted me to devote an entire WEEK for her wedding and take off work bc she had a million last minute things. It was not a DW and I had offered her help. I was in no way, shape, or form jealous.
I think a lot of brides forget it is THEIR weddings and their friends lives are still going on regardless if they are getting married and people are not their employees. I see many brides on here that expect psychotic things from bridesmaids. They are your friends…not your planners, DOCs, organizers, funding sources for parties/showers/hair/makeup, etc. Also, if a bridesmaid doesnt want to do something then people automatically think the person is jealous.
Post # 13
@rubybride718: This * 100. So many brides seem to get pressured into asking sisters, cousins, sisters in law, etc. etc., even though they aren’t close to these people. Then, when their personalities and expectations aren’t compatible, the drama begins.
Post # 14
@geekspice: i think that’s where its at-the bridesmaid that are added on due to familial or other sorts of pressures. In addition i do agree that the fantasy that the media perpetuates that the bridal party will be the closest, happiest, cutest group of best friends. sadly, not true …:-P
Post # 15
- Wedding: September 2013 - Outdoor
Drama comes from when the bride (or groom) includes someone they don’t really want in their bridal party, usually because of family pressure or trying not to leave anyone out. The truth is you can not include everybody, so you really just need to be honest and ask the people that you want.
My first experience with this was a wedding my brother was in, originally as a groomsman but he got promoted to best man on the day of the rehearsal! Why? Because the Groom originally asked his cousin to be the best man, even though that wasn’t what he wanted, because his mom told him he should. The cousin did not want to be the best man, but said yes because his mom told him he should. Then the cousin books a gig with his band the night of the rehearsal on the opposite side of the country and won’t be flying in until midnight the night before the wedding. The groom’s aunt thinks it’s fine and tells her daughter that she will stand in for her brother at the rehearsal, insisting that this will be ok even when they find out that the priest is having the couple and their witnesses (BM and MOH) sign the marriage license at the rehearsal. To be clear: She wanted her daughter to forge her son’s signature on a legal document. Groom realizes this is crap and promotes one of the groomsmen actually present, my brother, to sign the paperwork and be the best man. Groom’s aunt cries. Cousin (now demoted to groomsman) shows up and guess what? Doesn’t care.
My personal experience is this: I asked who I wanted. I asked my FSIL, one friend from college, one friend from growing up, and two of my female cousins. My fiance has three sisters and a stepsister, and I actually have four female cousins, but I do not feel bad that they can’t all be included. That would be 8 bridesmaids already and I haven’t even gotten to my friends yet! So I asked the girls I am closest to that I genuinely want standing up with me. As far as my friends, that is a little bit complicated too, because the friend I grew up with has actually only really been my friend for a couple of years, even though I have known her for 20, because she is the little sister of the girl who I considered my best friend in school. Now that we are adults our 2 year age difference is nothing, and while she and I have grown together, her sister and I have grown apart. To me, having a friend who really wants to be there is better than having a friend who will probably only say yes out of obligation, so while of course the older sister will be invited to the wedding, I did not ask her to be a bridesmaid. My brother also tried to give me some guilt because I did not ask his girlfriend. They have has an on and off relationship and while we are friendly it is only because she is dating my brother and it is not worth the risk that they will be in a fight or something. So I told him that it is up to me who I choose, and my choices are not meant to hurt anybody, but I simply can not include everyone. While it is slightly uncomfortable to have to defend my choices, I know that I will be glad I did when I consider that the alternative would be something like 15 or 20 bridesmaids who do not all want to be there. Crazy, right? In reality I will have 5 bridesmaids who I love and are excited to be with me on my special day.
Post # 16
@gelaine22: Exactly how I am being. I think my family and I are paying for all of the BM dresses to avoid drama and having broken relationships and because my mom thinks it’s the right thing to do. I just want my girls to show up and have fun. They can do their hair, nails, and make up as they please. Luckily for me my fiance likes doing wedding stuff with me so I don’t feel like I am alone at all.
Maybe some of these zilla’s are just so stressed and pressured and ALONE that they act crazy. I mean I’ve seen some crazy brides in my day, but from my perspective, it’s because they have someone whispering into their ear about how something should be and what others should be doing for them, etc.
Who knows. Weddings are supposed to be fun; not a chore so everyone needs to lighten up and not take everything so seriously. 🙂