- 6 years ago
- Wedding: April 2016
To preface–I’ve never worried about this before, but I have this nagging feeling and I went anon to get some perspective.
Recap: we have been together for 6 years, married earlier this year. We moved halfway across the country for my Darling Husband to attend pharmacy school about 2 months ago. He’s very busy and spends lots of time on campus. The school encourages people to find study partners and groups, and with in a smaller group, he found one girl who has become his go-to study partner. He says they have similiar study styles. I’ve met her and her fiance and they are both really nice.
Last week, Darling Husband casually mentioned that he had “been by” their apartment (meaning his study partner and her fiance’s apt). I was immediately irritated and said “did you go in?” and he said “yeah, we went over there for lunch because I didn’t have any cash on me for the food carts outside the school”. So I got upset…which wasn’t a good look on me, I know. I asked him if they were alone or if her fiance was there. He said the finace was there and was “working from home”. He apologized for not telling me and I was upset and mad and uncomfortable, but not proud of my reaction. Later when I got home, I started to think about the probability of the fact that the fiance WAS actually home. So when my husband go home, I asked him point blank: was her fiance really there? He again said yes. I said, seriously, tell me the truth. And he admitted that no, the fiance was not there but he panicked when I asked him becuase I said I was uncomfrotable at the thought they he was in their apartment with her alone. I was really mad and hurt that he lied. We talked about it and though I was hurt, I was uncomfortable that he didn’t telle me, and then lied about the fact that they were alone…even if it was just to eat a salad for 15 min and then get back to the library (she lives very close to campus). They are just together a lot for studying..and until this lunch-time thing, I never thought twice about it. Honestly, she’s not his type and she’s sooo nice but not super attractive. At least, not attractive in the sense that my husband would find her attractive. Am I worried about them finding an emotional connection among their stacks of pharmacology texts?
Since then, I just have this weird emotional and nagging feeling that he COULD be doing something behind my back. The night before last I had this terrifying and super vivid dream that he was cheating on me…so vivid that I woke up panicking and just not feeling right at all. In fact, I felt terrible and betrayed. It is so out of character for our relationship because in the past, I have kind of had the pessimistic view that men in general all have the ability to be weak and stupid when it comes to women–that even the most loyal man and husband can be seduced. But, there have been so many times over the course of our 6 year relationship that I’ve sat back and thought..”wow, I honestly, in my GUT know that he would never cheat on me”. I was just sure that he loved me and would always be faithful. I had never been more confident about something.
And let me be clear: my husband is smart, charasmatic, loyal, kind, and fun. I think he has the most integrity in the world. So, WHY do I feel that in our marriage–now, of all times–that he has the ability to lack integrity when it comes to being faithful? Is it becuase all of the sudden we’re thrust into a new place where I know no one and he’s constantly at school with people I don’t know? Previously, we worked about a mile away from each other and would have lunch together almost every day. We were always together. Am I just panicking? Why do I feel that after officially getting married he’d get the urge to ‘try something new’, when during our dating and engaged years, I wouldn’t dream that he’d consider it. Am I just freaking out?
His behavior hasn’t changed, other than he’s inundated with studying and exams. He doesn’t hide phone calls or call histories, he doesn’t take a weird amount of showers or leave at odd times. In his free time, he is largely with me or playing soccer with classmates. We still have tons of sex and laugh and flirt and things are normal. But something nags me in thinking that under it all…COULD he be doing something or having a secret life? Am I just creating something in my head that isn’t really there?
The last thing that bothers me is his computer history. Or lack there of. He has always kept his firefox settings so that it asks you if you want to clear your history every time you close the firefox window. I am well aware of this. But yesterday I noticed that his settings were “always use private browsing” so, presumably, the history would always be erased. I ‘ve aske dhim about this before and he said he doesn’t like for passwords to be stored and cookies and etc etc. But something about the internet privacy option I saw yesterday bugs me. In my head I conjure of scenarios were he has vast dating lives online but…surely that can’t be true.
I partially feel like I”m trying to invent reasons not to trust him. He’s NEVER given me a reason not to trust him. I mean that. He’s such a good person and comes from good, normal, still-married parents. Why am I worried that he’ll all of a sudden turn out to be a scum bag?
Am I just being paranoid?
ETA: I have talked to him about this, and about my fears. He was very receptive and talked to me about it and said he would never do anything like that because he loves me and only me, but also because he’s not a cheater and he’s not a liar.