Post # 1
After reading so many responses from the wonderful Bees, I have to wonder why are we so quick to say “dump him” or leave? There are times that we will suggest therapy or communicating better, but many times we say- cut your losses and leave.
So for me, the reason I say to leave so often is because I think back to the younger me. I stayed with so many guys for way to long. Even the 2-3 month relationships were often too long because they were showing signs of being disrespectful or just wrong for me so much earlier. Now that I know what a good healthy relationship is (and feels like), I feel so sorry for younger me who wasted so much time and effort on men and relationships that just werent worth it.
Post # 3
i think it’s because we aren’t emotionally involved in the situation, so it’s easy to say to just leave.
Post # 4
@KoiKove: You answered your question the exact same way I would have! I couldn’t have said it better! 🙂
Post # 5
@KoiKove: Because I wasted so much time on my ex when, obviously, I had plenty of men willing to be better to me. DH is wonderful.
I just don’t know why many of these women think their dating life is over at 30 or that they put up with their men putting them down. I suppose they were just like me in my relationship with my ex: felt there was no way out and that you would die alone, lol.
That is not the case, and it is hard to listen to people who truly have been there and and telling you to get out.
Post # 6
I think its a mixture or not being emotionally involved in the situation (which makes it sound harsh) and having life experience (which gives validity to your suggestion).
Its hard though because people ask for opinions and others give them, but we only know a partial amount of the story and so our options shouldn’t really count.
Unless its for something like domestic violence etc.
Post # 7
@KoiKove: Just made a post about this…I totally see where you are coming from. I know there are circumstances where it is best but a lot of the times, the OP does not even come close to showing it to be that bad yet bees still say RUN! Just don’t get it.
Post # 8
@KoiKove: I totally agree with your response.
And to add on top of it, this time in y our relationship, the beginning part before you’re getting married is the BEST your relationship is every going to be. If you’re already having that many issues before you even get to the marriage part, it’s probably not going to get any better. So why settle for being unhappy from the start? At least that has been my experience.
Post # 9
@KoiKove: I think you hit the nail on the head. Hindsight being 20/20 and all, bees who have lived through similar situations don’t want to see others stick in an unhealthy relationship. I wish I could go back and give my younger self a good talking to! That said, I don’t really comment on those posts, but I tend to err on the opinion of “cut your losses and leave.”
Post # 10
We all carry our own issues with us and they color how we interact with others. For me I was in an abusive relationship so every time I read something even resembling my situation, my response is the same,gtfo becauase it will get worse.
For something dumb (IMHO) like ” he should have known not to talk to any female ever because that’s disreapctful but I never told him that! ” therapy for everyone.
Post # 11
Because many of us have been through similiar situations and we would hate to see other bees waste their lives when all the signs of impending failure are there. In biology this is known as “the point of diminishing returns”. Others would call it beating a dead horse.
What really irritates me is when bees describe horrifying living conditions or treatment(emotional and/or physical abuse), cry the blues, and end up staying with the sorry POS.
Post # 12
I’ve seen so many friends stay in unhappy relationships because they’d rather be in one of those than be alone. Or they’ve invested X amount of time and are afraid of starting over. And because I have been in plenty of toxic relationships and got lucky enough to meet a couple of guys that made me realize how someone you’re dating SHOULD treat you. Sometimes people don’t realize or forget that they can find someone out there who will not treat them in whatever way their current partner is.
I wasted so much time and effort on dead end relationships and I see plenty of people in the same situations I was in. NOT WORTH IT. Get out early!
Marriage is a little different (if you’re already married), but if you’re just dating or engaged and there are serious issues that you two haven’t been able to work out so far…what makes people think marriage or more time will fix these problems?! It won’t. Marriage does not fix anything or change anyone.
The beginning of a relationship should be the easiest part. If you’re having problems early on that is a huge RED FLAG. What do you think it will be like when things actually get hard?!
Post # 13
Because life is too short to make yourself miserable and breaking off a relationship or engagement is a hell of a lot cheaper than a divorce.
Post # 14
I don’t always suggest that a bee leaves, but when I do it’s because I believe that, given what I know about the situation, it would be the best choice.
I put up with a lot in my last relationship, and if I see anything like that going on, I will suggest that the person leaves.
Post # 15
Kind of a combination of what has already been said. Aside from examples of real abuse, I think a lot of bees come on here worrying about “warning signs,” so to speak. Other bees, having seen similar warning signs lead to much more serious problems, like abuse or adultery, since they are given little or no other context besides the original bee assuring everyone “besides that, he’s a great guy,” the hive assumes that these warning signs will lead everyone down the same path with which they are familiar.
IMHO, warning signs can be just that, warning signs, or they can be temporary troubles that can be overcome. But the nature of such a forum demands that we attempt to fill in unspoken context ourselves, and given that we are only provided negative information, it is easy to assume that the context, and future outcome, will follow a frame of reference.
Also, I think when you are not in a situation, it’s easy to hold someone else’s SO to a set of moral values. For instance, I see a lot of “I would NEVER put up with negative comments about my appearance/him being too close to his family/lying/etc.” when in reality, numerous factors can make a man make mistakes. He could be emotionally abusive, or he could have one time, in the heat of the moment, said something below the belt. He could be a serial liar, or he could have gotten in a situation that was hard to get out of and tried to scramble to make it better and ended up in a web of lies. He could have ACTUALLY just gone out with that girl for drinks without knowing it might have been inappropriate. But it’s easier to say about other relationships “I would never put up with XXX”
Post # 16
@KoiKove: This is a good point.
When I first joined weddingbee in January…I had some complaints about my SO and him waiting to propose. A lot of bees said that he wasn’t the one, why wait, if he loves me there wouldn’t be a wait, so I should leave. I came back a few other times around March/April and in August and was told again to leave after my posts.
The truth is that it took a really good friend and therapy to tell me ‘Your SO wants to marry you, it’s just that he has to finish school and get a job first. He keeps telling you this, and you keep getting upset that it’s not on your schedule’. And there you have it. Now that I’m back on the website, and I post my relationship in a positive light, I never have bees tell me to leave haha.
I will advise a bee to leave if their relationship involves cheating or abuse. I’ve been down that road a few times (sadly), and it doesn’t get better.