Why are 'friends' so mean to each other?

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

UKbee:  just keep doing what you’re doing – being empathetic, sticking up for your friend, reminding your judgey bitchy friends to be compassionate. If you think they are taking it too far, and if you feel you have the social clout (so to speak), make a statement like, “I don’t like to hear my friends talk disrespectfully about my other friends – next time it happens I’m afraid I’m going to have to leave.” Then follow through. Maybe they’ll learn – maybe they’ll just cull you from the herd next. But they might also think twice before being mean even if they DO turn on you next.

Post # 3
1715 posts
Bumble bee

ohnatto:  I rather agree. 

I think you’re doing what you should do. You’re sticking up for her, you’re being very understanding, and you’re telling your other friends that you don’t like what they’re doing. Keep doing those things. 

If they go too far and you have to put your foot down, do it. They may not like it and there may be tension or lost friendships, but you would have done the right thing, and that’s what’s important. 

Post # 4
2751 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I don’t want to be the ‘mean’ one here…but it’s so incredibly rude & disrespectful to go to someone’s event, not greet them appropriately ie..congrats,  hello, happy birthday…and leave without saying thank you and bye! My awesomely stuck up, conniving,  sociopath of a SIL (my DH’s brother’s b***h) did that exact thing at my shower, my engagement dinner, & my wedding!  I’ve always hated her, but this took things to a whole other level. I just don’t understand the point of going if you’re not going to at least greet the host? Maybe that’s why I’m looking at it from this side of it. I get that it’s very difficult for shy people to engage in conversations, but those greeting the host and/or the guest of honor gives you something to actually say. Maybe helping your friend understand this as well could be part of the plan too. It is nice of you to stand up for her though.  I’m sure everyone would be appreciative of that, if it were them. I know I would. 

Post # 6
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Church

UKbee:  Just keep being her friend. I can only go from my own perspective because I know with myself I can be like the girl you are describing with certain people because  I, for whatever reason, just do not feel comfortable with some of FI’s female friends but I go to things. (I am also personally more like this when I am depressed) Does she attend these things mostly for her DH or has she actually been closewith these girls? There is probably a tenseness that is making things worse. Ido think itis a bit much that she didn’t say anything to the girl whose birthday itis – that is something I don’t understand at all.

Post # 8
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

As a very socially anxious person myself I can promise you that she doesn’t go out intending to act like that. When you’re shy it really takes very little to cause that internal panic: you pump yourself up, prepare to have fun, and then someone looks at you funny and it all instantly falls apart. Usually it is the fear of being judged or doing the wrong thing, which obviously is a self-fulfilling prophesy in this case. Related to that, when someone is afraid that they are going to mess up preforming the social protocol sometimes the natural reaction is to shut down and not try. The idea is that if you exempt yourself from taking part in social niceties you can’t embarrass yourself or offend anyone… again, a self fulfilling prophesy in this case.

With that said, my advice for helping her (if you want to, obviously not your responsibility) is to be her life preserver. Make it clear that she can hang out with you as you work the room. Then you can take the initiative of saying “let’s go say hi to Host” or generally entering and exiting conversations so she doesn’t have to overcome the fear of doing that herself (usually a huge deal for shy people). I know that if i don’t have a person I’m officially there with then socializing becomes much more high risk. With a buddy there is no harm to getting overwhelmed or feeling awkward because there is always a fallback person to talk to or sit by at dinner. Without one, every moment is do or die. If she is sitting by herself at these parties then she probably feels that way too and it has paralized her.

Just my two cents. You sound like a very kind person 🙂

Post # 9
69 posts
Worker bee

I have been around a person like that for a couple of days and it is very frustrating. It isn’t introversion either, sounds more like an unacknowledged depression which would make me worried. 

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