Why are men so confusing?!

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
3316 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

It’s 2014. Why are you letting him call all the shots? You already see what doing nothing gets you. Personally I think you should move out and tell him that you’re tired of waiting on his ass. 

But if you’re like most posters, you will probably say you are going to wait another 6 months and then you will do something. I have no patience for this kind of treatment myself which is probably why I never experienced it. My daughter is moving in with her fiance this fall but she has a ring and a wedding date and she wouldn’t have done it without both. And she never had to ask him for a timeline; I think he just knew. Basically you have to feel you are worth it. 

You’re worth it.

Post # 3
36 posts
  • Wedding: August 2013

I agree you have to feel like you’re worth it. It’s also your responsibility to communicate a timeline that works for YOU. I have a similar situation with my hsband, disagreeing about everyting for organic to non, the fan on or off at night, cleaning, not having phones in the bedroom. 


We lived together for a year and I felt like you, the live in wife with no commitement. Finally I told him he had three months to figure out his shit, ie: if he wanted to marry me or not, or I was outta there. It gave him a timeline. In my experience waiting for the guy to give you a timeline will leave you… well, waiting. Guys (not all but most in my experience) don’t prioritize or think about marriage, kids, the next step in the same way that women do. They’re never really ready. If you are ready, I’d give him a timeline you can live with and then if he doesn’t rise to the occasion, move on lady, he probably will, but it is scary to ask for what you want and be prepared to walk if you don’t get it. It’s honest though, and if he is your best friend, hopefully he’ll appreicate and respect you for being YOU.


Let us know how it goes!!

Post # 4
50 posts
Worker bee

I think this line applies here: don’t talk the talk f you can’t walk the walk. 

Be strong. You know what you want and what you deserve. And you absolutely can do something about it if it’s not going anywhere. Good luck 🙂

Post # 5
246 posts
Helper bee

doberman:  I agree with every word of what you’ve written.  I wish this advice were heeded more often!

Post # 6
4879 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

ITA with the PP.  It’s time to take your power back.  By focusing all of your energy on worrying about his timeline, you’re not asserting your right to your own timeline.

I agree, you need to have an honest discussion with him about what you want & need from him.  It must be so frustrating to feel helpless– grab the bull by the horns, so to speak.  

Post # 7
2367 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Sit down and have a calm, rational discussion with him. That means no tears, hysterics or “why won’t you propose to meeee?!!1?”. Just talk to him about what his plans are for the future. He said he wants more stability, which is understandable. How is your financial situation? What are his goals? These are all questions that you two need to figure out together before you worry about a ring.

Post # 9
95 posts
Worker bee

I may be the odd (wo)man out here but I REALLY do feel like the kiss of proposal death comes for many when they decide to live together prior to. 

Let me explain.

My Ex-H and I lived together prior to getting married but I made it VERY clear that he had 3 months to propose from the start date of our lease. I persuaded the landlord to let us sign a 6-month lease rather than a year long lease and explained the reason to the landlord, with my (then) BF there. So he knew either way the “play house” party would come to end… either via proposal or lease end.  I WAS PREPARED TO WALK AT THE END OF THAT LEASE. 

Now, a timely proposal does not a happy marriage make.  Clearly, I am divorced from him now. 

Fastforward to today, the SO and I aren’t living together (we’re both in our 30s) and we both agree its working better this way (we won’t live together until we’re married).

 There is A LOT of truth to the old addage “why buy the cow when he can get the milk for free?”  The milk isn’t just sex… its cleaning, cooking, laundry, companionship, nursing you when your sick, a warm body in bed next to you at night, an ear to listen to you 24/7, someone to stare at the wall with etc.  But you get the point… if you move in together these things will naturally come about bc thats what building a live together is all about. 

Now,  can you undo this? Yes, you could move out and let him propose and then move in when you’re married. That would alleviate the pressure the situation has created. No more towel/fan fights.  Now, will those fights happen after your married, yea probably, will they be ammunition for his case of why he hasn’t committed yet… nope. 

This isn’t a bait and switch tactic, you are who you are and he is who he is.  Those things will find a way to co-exist, after marriage.  They rarely co-exist without disappointment of expectations prior to marriage bc our standards aren’t rational or reasonable.  There hasn’t been any clear-headed moment of I’m making a choice to be with THIS person only, so good or bad, I’ve gotta make this work.  Right now, he’s got everything he needs and you have NONE of what you need. Don’t fool yourself, otherwise you wouldn’t be writing to strangers on the internet asking how to remedy the situation.


Best of Luck!

Post # 10
61 posts
Worker bee

Men really arent’t that confusing.  If they want something, they’ll make it clear.  IMO the first  mistake was allowing him to live with you for 2 years when he first said “I’d like to live together for a few months before getting engaged.” After those few months were up, a timeline conversation should have happened.  I say be direct, tell him exactly what you want, and if he can’t meet those requirements, then move on.  It sounds like he’s stringing you along, so just don’t let him.  Be direct and tell him how you feel.

Post # 11
61 posts
Worker bee

And I totally agree with 2ndTimeforWe.  I completely get why people live together, but for me I just chose not to because I feel like it lets the man (or woman, whoever) drag out the process of getting engaged.  

Post # 12
2395 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Men are not confusing at all.  He’s showing you EXACTLY who he is, and you’re just choosing not to believe him.  He doesn’t want to marry you.  If he wanted to, he would.  It’s just that simple.  

Post # 13
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I’m going to disagree with most of the PPs.  Many of us on these boards are “waiting.”  Yes, it’s annoying to be in the dark, but unfortunately that’s what our society likes to promote (so it’s romantic and a surprise – like being surprised with a lifetime decision is supposed to be romantic or something).  

I’d have another talk with him about it.  Not a “why haven’t you proposed yet??” or “in X months I’m walking!”  More like, “hey, you probably don’t understand this, but it’s very frustrating to just sit and wait with something so important.  I know you want it to be a surprise, and believe me, it will be.  But, I need a timeline so that I can make the best decisions for my own life.”  I truly think most guys don’t have any idea what it’s like to be in this position.  They usually get to call all the shots in their life.  Let him know how it feels for you.  If he’s still an ass about it, then you can decide to leave.  At least he will understand why, and that it’s not for the lack of the ring, it’s for the lack of treating you like a valued decision maker in this process.

I have lots of self worth and sometimes too much confidence, and I don’t feel that living with my boyfriend has taken away all of my value.  Living with a man for the first time ever was crucial in my relationship.  I never knew how to share my space or make compromises about how we clean, when we cook, etc.  We all have different paths in life.  Don’t feel bad about moving in with him, if that’s what you wanted.  Lots of people who get married lived together first, even if it’s not the “perfect” way.

Post # 14
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

hannamcavoy:  I’m getting heated up reading some of these replies, but I can at least acknowledge that it’s because I can put myself in your shoes, and feel like my situation was similar.

I don’t think he’s showing you his true colors in not proposing.  My now FI took me to look at rings over a year ago.  He made comments about how he was so excited to do it and really wanted to tell me what he had planned but obviously couldn’t.  And then he waited another year to propose.

It wasn’t because he wasn’t sure, it wasn’t because we lived together and he was “getting the milk for free”, it was because getting engaged isn’t something you take lightly and he wanted to take his time and make it perfect.  It drove me nuts, I questioned whether or not he really wanted it, but in the end when he proposed and it was so perfectly him, I was ok with the way he jumped the gun.

Again, that’s just me.  You are the only one here who knows your man.  If you think he’s playing games, he may very well be.  If you think he’s genuinely interested in marrying you, then don’t let internet strangers convince you otherwise.  I agree with PP that you are entitled to a timeline and I made damn sure I had one, so I think a good first step is telling your SO about your confusion and insecurities.

Post # 15
4638 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Guys are not confusing. You’re only confused because you’re not getting what you want from the relationship. If he wanted to marry you, he’d propose.

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