Why can't FI stand up to his mom?!? So pissed!

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
3596 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

It doesn’t sound like it’s an issue of him standing up to his mom it sounds like he dosen’t agree with you. From the things you said it seems like you seems to think that your lives is you and your family and his is an after thought. It doesn’t sound like Mom was being forceful or confronting him, the fact that she even asked is different to some of the FMIL nutjobs I seen on this board.


I get spending the holidays together, but you done it in a way that is convient for you and your family. Just because you think your sides cook better, doesn’t mean that they have to change their plans to go to your parents house.


I think you guys have to compromise, and if that what he wants to do let him do it with the understanding that next year things will be different. Perhaps another thing to do is you guys agree is if you spend Thanksgiving with your family, then you spend Christmas with his. 


Also realize that for both set of parents it’s hard, and they have to have some adjustment time, with the understanding that he will miss holidays with his family and you will miss holidays with yours as well. As you will have to switch off and it can’t be just a one sided thing.

Post # 5
1232 posts
Bumble bee

@TGold:  As twocitybride said, it seems he does not agree with you. The conclusion you reach needs to be mutual. 

Post # 6
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Agree with the others. And if you are spending every holiday together, you and your family are going to have to go and do the holidays with his family at some point. Since you get thanksgiving, does he get christmas?


Post # 7
3156 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@TGold:  It sucks, but it’s often hard for the mother.  My own mother had a terrible time when my brother got married.  It’s especially hard when the difficult time is met with resistance from the FI, like my SIL did and what it sounds like from you.


I don’t mean this to be as harsh as it’s sounding!  I know it’s really difficult for you, but it comes across that you’re more combative than trying to work through it WITH your FI.  What I read in your post was that even though you know it’s hard, you want to get your way too.  It’s not that your spending your holidays together…you’re spending them with your family.  You haven’t given much option to his family.  Either they miss Thanksgiving with his sister or she’s forced to have Thanksgiving with your family as well (Which is very outputting for her, IMO).    


Most couples just have to alternate years when their families don’t live in the same town.  It doesn’t sound like you and FI have come up with that arrangement.


Perhaps look at this situation and how difficult it is for your FI rather than blaming him.  He probably went along with your suggestion to make you happy…he obviously doesn’t agree.  He’d be missing his family as well..


Post # 9
199 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

It’s a tough spot to be in but thanksgiving isn’t really about who’s more into food or who has more rooms in their home – it’s about family and relationships. while it seems your family wins as the more ideal thanksgiving hosts it might be important to talk about the issue with you FI on a more emotional level rather than a practical level. if you told him what you said above he may be feeling a little hurt, it’s unlikely that he sees the family he’s spent every thanksgiving of his life with as unfit hosts for the holiday. 

I don’t mean to be critical, but it’s a hard situation for both of you – even if you end up spending thanksgiving apart this year it might be a really good time to map out a holiday plan for future thanksgivings, religious holidays, special celebrations etc. that you can both agree on

Post # 10
3009 posts
Sugar bee

@TGold:  you’re putting yourself at odds with his family. To be honest, I understand why they don’t want to travel to your family. Everyone has their own traditions for he holidays- even if they don’t seem to care as much, it’s not your place to judge. I know my parents have no desire to ever stay with my SO’s family. 

And just the mention of being a vegan makes me wonder if your family has a less traditional Thanksgiving meal. Just because you decided this is what is most convenient doesn’t mean they have to do it. Your anger should sit firmly with your FI. He is the one who deviated from the agreed upon plan. 

as for you bringing your own food, it is hard to know what a vegan diet is like if you’re not that familiar. I don’t think it is their job to fill their pantry with things you prefer to eat. It is not like you simply don’t eat beef or something. You sound really spoiled about this. 

Seriously, though, chill out with setting yourself in opposition to his family. 

Post # 11
3156 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@TGold:  I completely understand your frustrations and if he were an only child I’d totally agree that it’s the easiest solution, but he’s not.  I am trying to put myself in the same situatin and I’d be pretty pissed if the only way for me to spend Thanksgiving with my family was to go to my brother’s-in-laws house.  Also, I’d never ask that of DH’s sister.

I know it sucks, but really try thinking about this from the other side.

Post # 12
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@TGold:  I get your frustration with your FI.  But the same rules apply to you.  You’re marrying him and you’re going to need to make concessions sometimes too.  You have a ton of reasons why it makes so much sense for his family to travel 6 hours for Thanksgiving with your family.  But 1 – last time I checked, 6 hours of travel is far from convenient and 2 – his family has its own traditions.  I don’t think it’s fair to expect them to happily tag along.  In reading this I’m getting the feeling that you’re getting what you want but maybe your FI and his family isn’t?  


I think you guys need to handle this tactfully.  Have you discussed future holidays?  Are you prepared to do Thanksgiving with your family and Christmas with his?  Switch off every year?  Basically, are you willing to compromise with your FI and his family?  If yes, he needs to let his Mom know – “Mom, we’re doing Thanksgiving with TGold’s parents this year.  You’re more than welcome to come.  Either way, we’re doing Christmas with you guys this year.  Next year we’ll switch.”


ETA – sorry, I replied before reading responses.  Got punchy I guess!


Anyway, you addressed the issue with your FI and he seems to agree.  It’s one of those things where you have to see where it goes, how he handles it next time.  If this is a recurring issue, well you might have a problem on your hands.  If this is the first time he had to pick between his future wife and his Mom, and he fucked up, give it time.  You basically have to give him the opportunity to turn it around.  Good luck!





Post # 15
3769 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I completely get why you are upset, the holidays are really hard for us too, both of our parents are divorced so we celebrate 6 Christmas’s each year (I know it it nuts) because we don’t want to miss seeing any of our family. But I claimed Thanksgiving many years ago. We have our traditions with our kids. Everyone is welcome, but we are at our house on Thanksgiving. The two of you need to start your own traditions together, but you both have to agree.

My only problems is expecting them to stay with your family. Our families would never be comfortable doing that. Hanging out together for a few hours-yes, but ot staying inthe same house together.


Leave a comment

Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors