Post # 1
Hi Bees, this is a very personal post so I’m going anon for it, please understand. I’m in the final process of planning our wedding and I don’t know why I’m doing it. I love my finace but he is a very hard person to get along with. I’m constatnly told when I mess up, what things are wrong with me, and how I should be greatful for the life that I have. I have always been such a happy person but it seems that lately all I do is cry.
I have to constanly walk on eggshells becuase the slightest thing sets him off. It’s not just me though, it’s everyone around him. If one thing I’m supposed to do goes wrong I get a huge pit in my stomach trying to figure out a way to tell him. Whenever we go anywhere with friends I am constantly getting sympathetic looks from them about the way I get treated.
I’m not stupid, I know that I should leave but why can’t I? I am fully aware that if I go through with this I am going to be unhappy for possibly the rest of my life. I’ve left realtionships before and started over so I know I could do it again, so why can’t I now? I get to the point that I have my bags packed but I can’t get out the door, usally because he trys to make things better for a little bit. I just feel so weak.
Post # 3
Turn to your family/friendw for support! Have you told your loved ones how you feel you are being treated? They can be there to support you no matter what you choose to do. They can help I promise! I am sure if they have already noticed what has been going on they are just waiting for the phone call from you to ask for help.
I hope deep down you know the right answer on what needs to happen. You should not feel afraid to tell him anything. He is supposed to be your rock not a source of fear! I am sure not matter what any bee has to say you already have told yourself these things a million times over. I promise no matter how far you are down this path it is never to far to turn around.
Best of luck. Keep us posted.
Post # 4
@Crushedbee33: This phenomenon is called “trauma-bonding.” He is in a position to hurt your physical or emotional well-being when he gets “set off” so developing extra strong feelings of attachment is a coping mechanism of denial/self-preservation. “Trying to make things better” is part of the cycle of abuse. He won’t change. In a moment of freedom, find one or more close friends or family who know what’s going on, gather what you need, and have them make sure you leave. Stay with them, don’t answer his calls, separate yourself completely with this man. Protect yourself. If he continues to threaten or harrass you, go to a safe women’s shelter. Find a trained victim advocate (preferably a woman) to help you see where to go from here. Most police are basically uneducated about this, refusing to help or not taking it seriously until “something happens” (it’s too late) and the courts are notoriously bad at enforcing or prosecuting against offenders like this, so if you choose to go to the legal route, be sure to find someone who is very experienced in this field. Do this now, for you and your possible future children. It will become INSANELY harder to escape from him once you’re married.
Post # 5
@Gem_Fem: Excellent advice.
@Crushedbee33: I’m so sorry. I’ve been there in a past relationship although the difference was that I didn’t have the clarity that you have. I just accepted it as normal. You’ve made a big step already by realizing that it’s not normal and that you need to take some action.
Please find a few family members or close friends that you can trust and confide in. When I finally left my previous relationship, these people were so helpful and supportive to me.
Please feel free to call on the Bees, too. So many smart, supportive women (and a few men) here.
Post # 6
What exactly happens when you do do something wrong ?
Post # 7
@MissPine: Thank you so much for listening. It’s the hardest freaking thing for me to do but I know what I’m supposed to do. My family and my friends see it and they drop hints to me all the time. I need to just stop giving another chance.
@BellaDee: I get treated like an idiot. There is name calling and yelling, just makes me feel like a4 year old.
Post # 8
@Crushedbee33: Have you ever been engage before? When you left your other relationships were you engaged? Is this why?
There is no shame in breaking an engagment. Please kind happiness in life. You only get one
Post # 9
Yeah well then definitely leave. marriage doesn’t magically make things better, it just makes you legally stuck to him And out of a lot of money.
Save yourself and think of the rest of your life. Not just how hard it’ll be these next few weeks. Or how embarassing it might feel to let people know. None of that will matter when youre older and with the right person and free.
Post # 10
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
Break it off ASAP! I had some serious doubts in the months before I married my controlling ex-husband, and I sooo wish I would have had the courage to stop the planning. 6 months later I was filing for divorce.
Post # 11
You *can* leave. I’m sure it’ll be the hardest thing you ever do, but staying with him will be hard, too, and that hardship will last a lot longer. I don’t doubt that you care about him, or that he has his good points, but you know what you need to do. Stay safe!
Post # 12
@Gem_Fem: Has great advice.
@Crushedbee33: You aren’t weak. You aren’t stupid. You’re smart enough to know that things have gone wrong, intelligent enough to look forward and see the bad direction it is going, and strong enough to reach out for support. Think about your friends who watched you but didn’t reach out. It’d hard to do. I promise you, they have the same feeling of helplessness because they don’t know how to step in and help someone they love. It takes a lot of inner strength to stand up and advocate for someone, and it takes a lot of strength to stand up and advocate for yourself.
Don’t be ashamed of it. Stand up, reach out, and get away. You absolutly deserve happiness.
Post # 13
I have been in a situation VERY similar to yours! You stay out of pity, out of that small glimmer of hope that it will get better. I am telling you from the deepest pits of my soul that it will NOT get better. You WILL be unhappy if you stay. It took me over four years to realize that I was in the wrong relationship. He made me feel guilty when I was spending time with friends, and not with him. He would make me feel like my feelings weren’t valid, that there was no reason for me to feel angry or sad about the way he treated me. He made me feel like a child.
YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS!
YOU can not be the one trying to make things better, you will exhaust yourself like I did. Marriage will not make things better, but it will make them worse. Especially when you have to file for an expensive and lengthy divorce. Cut things off now while you can.
Leave him. Make arrangements to stay with a friend or family member. Tell him you’ve had enough, no more trying, no more chances, and you are NOT changing your mind. It is going to suck for the next few months, but once you are out, and he stops calling, you will be the happiest you have ever been.
Learn from this. It sounds like you are aware of the things that he says and does, and you don’t like it. Don’t let someone make you feel that way again. This is YOUR life and YOUR happiness, do NOT saccrifice yourself for someone else.
The man I am marrying in April treats me like a queen, he pushes me to be a better person, to be more forgiving, and to stress less. I would not appreciate him as much as I do if it wasn’t for my past relationships and learning what I do not want in a partner for the rest of my life.
This will not ruin you. It will make you stronger! Best of luck, fellow bee!
Post # 14
Pleae, dear, find the courage to leave. I was in your shoes many years ago, in a relationship of four years with a man who treated me badly. It was so difficult to leave (and not take him back), but one day I just had an epiphany of what the rest of my life was going to be if I stayed with him. Get help from your family and friends–it sounds like they desperately want to help you. Much luck and let us know how it goes. *hugs*
Post # 15
@Crushedbee33: Not much to add to the excellent advice you’ve been given…I just want to add in another voice to let you know that you CAN do this. Get out. You’ll be so much happier if you finally break free.
Post # 16
@Crushedbee33: My heart hurt when you wrote lately all you do is cry. I had a best friend break off her engagement, and it has not been easy but she was NOT happy and was relieved to do so. No one deserves to be unhappy in a marriage, and plus, no you will not be unhappy for the rest of your live, it will most likely end up in you being so fed up you will ask for a divorce. Leave while you can, you deserve happiness.