Post # 1
So we had to attend his cousin’s wedding. We talked about what we liked and didn’t like about the ceremony and festivities, but only in general terms and only when with each other. It seems to be somewhat of a taboo subject in front of his mother, although I’m not sure why.
So, instead of asking him, I’m asking ya’ll. Can you think of a reason why we shouldn’t be able to talk openly about such things in front of his mom? I mean, we’ve been dating for almost 3 years, surely she has to think it’s come up. I did crack a joke when we were first dating, but that was ages and ages ago.
Also, I’m not talking about planning our wedding or anything, just what I liked/didn’t like about the wedding we attended.
Post # 3
He doesn’t want his mom to be offended (assuming she likes the cousin)? He doesn’t want his mom to think you’re planning your wedding?
Post # 4
Maybe he thinks it’s not polite to criticize their wedding in front of family members? Also, some mom’s are super enthusiastic about their kids getting married (my Future Mother-In-Law is this way) and maybe he just doesn’t want to bring it up because he knows he’ll never hear the end of it?
Regardless of the cause it sounds like he’s being a little sensitive but at the same time I don’t think his request is totally out of line.
Post # 5
@aithinne: Maybe she finds the criticism too negative or is insulted by it?
Post # 6
He might not want to talk about it in front of family until you’re actually engaged. My Fiance was a bit like this also and I think it just comes down to wanting to be officially engaged before talking about all this, e.g. he might worry about what his family thinks when you’re talking about weddings and you guys are not even engaged yet. my Fiance is not much of a sharer tho and we’re not that close to his famiy.
Post # 7
@aithinne: Well, wait: WHO told you you cant talk about them in front of her? Him?
Post # 8
Personally I would never critique my SO’s relative’s wedding to his other relatives unless they started it first. In a sense they are all in a club that I’m not in! And I want to join it, so I’m not going to try to get one of them to pass judgment on another of them. When an outsider does that about a group that I’m in, it makes me not want to let the outsider into the group because they’re showing that they’d be a divisive force.
Maybe your SO is looking at it that way. Personally when I’m at a family gathering with my SO, I’m on high alert to discourage my family from judging or annoying my SO and vice versa. We will all have to live with each other for many years I hope, and it’s so not worth starting shit over minor aesthetic judgments.
Post # 9
@aithinne: Maybe he’s afraid she’ll hear you talking about it and then nag him to propose incessantly? That’s why my SO and I avoid talking about such things in front of his mother (though we don’t talk about them much anyway). My SO’s mother would be way too excited and would remind us about it too much. Once, when we had been together for about a year, she commented about a long skirt I was wearing, “That’s pretty! It looks like a wedding dress!” Oh my. I was so embarrassed!! And I guess, early on, she said things to my SO a lot, too, which he didn’t like. He’s extremely methodical and likes to think things over very thoroughly, so prodding from her was definitely not welcome.
On the other hand, it’s possible that your SO’s mother doesn’t like you, and he doesn’t want to deal with the drama that would result from letting her know that you and he want to get married, at least for a little while longer. It’s more likely that he just doesn’t want her to find out and bug him about it later, though.
ETA: Oops, I wrote all that after reading your whole post and promptly forgetting that you said this was not about your own potential wedding, just other peoples’! In that case, I think it would be because his mother might find it rude that you and he would discuss pros and cons of her relatives’ wedding in front of her.
Post # 10
It’s taboo because it’s rude. It’s rude to critique a wedding, especially of a family member.
Post # 11
I would be very hesitant to say anything negative about a family member’s DH’s wedding. And in general, we kept the wedding talk to almost zero until we were actually engaged. There was minimal chatter about approximately what year/season it might happen mostly because his sister was also in a long term relationship and they wanted to know how much money they’d be out all at once, but that’s it.
Post # 12
Wow, I feel like I am the rudest person on the planet at this point.
I didn’t mean to imply criticism in any way. Mostly, it was things like, ‘that was a nice reading.’ ‘the dj should play something more upbeat’. It wasn’t anything bad or rotten, and it was more discussing the event. His mom even made a few comments.
I suppose I worded my post badly, which is a problem I have, because sometimes it all gets so muddled that it’s hard to know what I’m trying to say in the first place.
@SapphireSun: @MrsTVLover: @4cube: thank you for your input. I appreciate it.
@badabing88: He made it very clear that it’s a taboo subject in front of his mother. I mentioned that we had two other weddings to attend this year and he gave me a look.
@Missy_Star: @lanalnoco: @mbrooke85: @RunnerBride13: thank you for your answers. I appreciate it.
@Creiddylad: I actually asked him the other day if his mom actually liked me. LOL He said she had a few reservations (because I’m a big girl) but that otherwise yes, she liked me.
Post # 13
@aithinne: Sorry if I came off as saying you were being rude! That’s not what I meant at all! I was just saying hypothetically, it could seem that way, without having any idea of what sorts of things you were talking over concerning the wedding.
I’m glad his mother likes you. That will makes things much easier than it might be otherwise. 🙂
Post # 14
@Creiddylad: Very true. My first Mother-In-Law hated me. LOL It was pretty bad.
I didn’t take any personal offense, I realize I worded things badly. I just wish that I didn’t have to censor myself so much around her.
Post # 15
@aithinne: Who told you that you can’t talk about wedding stuff in front of your BF’s mother? Him? Her?
If by “talking” you mean critiquing her relative’s wedding, then yeah, you need to keep those comments to yourself. I wouldn’t appreciate anyone judging a family wedding.
And, I don’t mean to be snarky, but, this woman isn’t your “potential Future Mother-In-Law,” she’s your boyfriend’s mother. Perhaps the reason she doesn’t want to hear wedding talk is because you’re not engaged to her son? It might come across as your being more concerned with having a wedding than having a marriage, you know?
Post # 16
@aithinne: Aww, I’m sorry! It doesn’t sound like you were rude at all. I think you’re just gonna have to ask him why. If he’s a good guy, he’s just looking out for you against any weirdnesses that his mom might have, and trying to make sure you don’t push each others’ buttons. He ought to be fine with explaining.
I probably give my SO too much advice on dealing with my family members. I do explain why, though – you can’t just drop something like “never mention toes around my sister” and not explain that it’s because she has a weird paranoia about feet.