Post # 1
Hi Everyone, im new to this and dont normally post on any boards but ive just got off the phone to my mum and im so upset and i feel i have no one to turn too
Heres a quick low down on my story.
My boyfriend of 7 years proposed to me in Disneyland 3weeks ago, it was a complete surprise and i was so shocked but so so happy. The first question i asked him after he put the ring on my finger was “did you ask my mum?” he said yes she knew and he had asked her advice regarding the ring etc before he had bought it, this made me happy as I am very close to my mum. I phoned her straight away after the proposal and she said she was very happy but wishes she had been there (we were on holoidays with 10 members of my Fiances family) but once i was happy so was she.
However over the next few days i noticed a change in her, she became somewhat stand offish and didnt seem to excited (im her only daughter and i thought she would be over the moon to be mother of the bride for the first and only time). I arrived home a week later and couldnt wait to show everyone the ring and tell my romantic story to everyone but it just seemed like such an anti climax and 3 weeks later things havent changed.
My fiance’s brother is marring his girlfriend of 13 years this summer and she is great for ringing me with advice and little tips that she has picked up along the way. However when i ring my mum to tell her these little things she starts going on about how weddings have gone way over the top and are gone so expensive and was i going to go to all that uneccessary trouble?!
We havent looked at setting a date yet as we are still settling back in and its all been such a whirlwind but we have planned an engagement party for march and are thinking that 2015 will be the year we will mary. My mum keeps saying that its all going to cause alot of trouble because if we leave anyone out they will be hurt/upset.
What really hurts me is she hasnt suggested going to look at dresses or going to wedding fairs to get ideas. Im doing all the talking but she keeps talking everything down. I have no sister to turn to just my aunt and my cousin who cant understand what my mums problem is.
Has anyone been in a similar situation before or does anyone have any advice? This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life but so far i feel like im walking on eggshells.
Sorry for the long post, just needed to explain properly. x
Post # 3
@LeFleur: is your dad in the picture? How is your mom doing financially? It sounds like your mom might be worried about paying for a wedding.
how was your mom’s relationship with your brother after he was married? That could be a possibility to…
my fi’s mother was okay with her sons getting married but as son as my Fi’s sister started getting serious with her SO it was like “omg who is this woman! she has become snarky”
Post # 4
Could your mum possibly feel left out at all?
Your Fiances family was there for the engagement and your getting all these tips from the girlfriend. She might feel like she is coming second to his family and isnt as important.
Maybe you should suggest going to a bridal expo with just your mum, she might not be asking as she might feel there is someone else you would rather go with.
Post # 5
i saw this an thought of you. It talks about parents in deadly sin number 6… I guess it is hard to understand unless you are a parent.
“I fought with my mother for months over whether the entrée at our rehearsal dinner should be hot or cold,” says Moir-Smith. “I finally realized that we were not fighting over food, but over the thought of ‘losing’ each other when I got married. I was not a baby—but I was her baby, and the last of her children to get married. It was tough for both of us.” The fact is, your wedding marks a big transition for your parents as well as for you, no matter how old you are. A child’s marriage signals a change in parental identity—from parents to potential grandparents. These are heavy thoughts, so it’s no wonder many parents bury their emotions under silly fights, or even by seeming uninterested in the wedding. If this happens, don’t turn away. Even if you can’t get the ‘rents to open up about how they’re really feeling, at least do your best to understand it.
Post # 6
@miss-stacie-2013: I agree. I would imagine your Mom is hurt by not being included in the engagement.
Have you talked to her? While I know it’s extremely hurtful in the way you’re being treated, she is obviously very hurt, too, for whatever reason. I wouldn’t plan anything until you fix this relationship. She’s obviously very important to you and you can’t let a wedding come between that. You’ve got plenty of time!
Post # 7
She might be a bit overwhelmed too. I mean as mother of the groom she didn’t have much input or involvement. Now that her daughter is getting married there is so much she could be involved in and maybe she doesn’t quite know where she fits in, not stepping on your toes, or giving too many ideas.
I think you just need to sit down with her and talk to her face to face.
Congrats on the engagement!!!!
Post # 8
I agree with what everyone else has said about how maybe she feels left out. Also regarding this:
What really hurts me is she hasnt suggested going to look at dresses or going to wedding fairs to get ideas
since you are thinking about 2015, it is very early still to be doing any of those things.
Post # 9
Thanks for all your replies and advice.
Im glad i found this forum and its made me realise im not the only one with a situation. I think it probally is the fact that she wasnt there for the proposal. But theres not many family members that would be present at that moment. My FI just wanted to propose in America in Disney in front of the castle and we have the moment captured in a photo, he tried to involve my mum as much as possible with the ring and she knew that he had planned to do it when we were away.
I just feel she is taking out on me and i had no control over what happened. I have asked her to come to a wedding show with me this weekend and she agreed but not before she asked would i not prefer my FI or bridesmaids to be there instead. I think she is really feeling sorry for herself but hopefully we can sort things out this weekend.
Regards organising the wedding early, I live in Ireland and the most popular hotels book up 2-3 years in advance! So i feel i need to start getting organised.
Thanks again for all your advice