- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
why do some of the people here make deadlines for their men and demand that they have a ring by a date??? is that how their romantic life is?? full of deadlines? that sucks! aren't proposals supposed to be a surprise? i'm sorry but if i was the boyfriend of these people who set "deadlines" for their men i probably would run in the other direction. it just seems a little controlling and like it would put a lot of pressure on the relationship.
please, help me understand why you would do this?
I haven't read of anyone on here making deadlines for their men and demanding a ring by a date. Can someone enlighten me?
I've read about girls deciding not to move in with their man or other milestones before getting engaged or married, but I view that as holding onto their personal moral standards, and completely understand/agree with their reasoning.
I've also read of ladies realizing that they've been with the same man for five, eight, twelve years and aren't going to waste their time waiting forever for something that may or may not happen. While I don't agree with ultimatums, I don't think it's out-of-line to set a personal deadline for how long you're willing to wait for a true commitment.
In my case the "deadline" (i hate that word) is the time that he told me he would propose by. Here's how our conversations went:
Me: Where do you see our relationship going?
Him: I really want to marry you one day
Me: Really. When do you think that will happen?
Him: I want to propose this summer. What kind of time frame where you thinking about?
Me: Yeah, I guess I would like it if we were engaged by August or September
So, it was a mutual understanding and a promise that he made to me. It was not coerced. As I have stated before, if September came and went and there was no ring AND no talk about the futrue, then I might consider leaving. However, if prior we had a serious discussion in which he raised a legitimate reason as to why September would not be a viable "deadline" then I would stick around. For me it's about the promise he made to me and our ability to communicate and respect one another- it's not just about getting a ring.
I agree. I'd run like hell. If he wants to marry me, he'll ask me. If he doesn't he won't.
Also if he says be summer, and by December you aren't don't fight, WALK.
Why do you feel the need to know? I just find your question indiscrete....like you're getting offended or something about other people's choices?
Please, help me understand why it bothers you?
Like the OP it probably doesn't bother her. It's just a big 'ole WTF. Help me understand....
Ok, I get that....but can you imagine if all members on this board started pointing out the stuff that they feel is "ole WTF" ? That would be a pretty negative board in my opinion.
I SO agree, OP and vmec. I hate to see my friends pressure their boyfriends to propose and try to set a mental "date" to be engaged by. I think it is silly and immature, too. If he loves you enough, you shouldn't have to worry about it!
I'll answer.
My deadline is whenever before my boyfriend moves. In a year and a half he will be moving from Portland Oregon to Boston Massachusetts. He honestly couldn't be moving much farther and still be in the United States. At this time we will be staringt a 4 year LDR. 4 years!
At that time, for both of us, it's about level of commitment. Sure sure, commitment is a mental thing and you don't need a ring to have it blah blah blah.
However, for me personally, I need our relationship to be something a little more than just boyfriend and girlfriend for me to devote the next 4 years devoting myself and my heart in a very difficult relationship situation. He completely agrees with me.
@Miss Sayrah: But I think that is the point. Lots of women are in relationships for years with no proposal in sight. At some point, the woman needs to set a limit. Not because she wants to coerce or intimidate the man but because it's her life also. If one of your life goals is marriage and your significant other has gone years and years without proposing that, then I think it is reasonable to either (a) decide that your relationship is more important to you than marriage or (b) set a time frame in which you will move on.
@vmec: When you wrote "if he says by summer and by December you aren't don't fight, WALK" were you referencing my post? Giving me advice? If so, aren't you essentially telling me to stick to a "deadline"? I'm confused.
I think deadline might be a bit of a harsh word. I might be wrong, but it to me it seems like the ladies on this board aren't setting deadlines to get their ring. A lot of them have been with their guys for 3+ years without a single indication that he actually wants to move forward (or vague ones). And I agree with you and vmec that if my SO was demanding I give them a ring or ELSE...well, I'd leave too. And it's not romantic. But these ladies want to give their guys the benefit of the doubt, they want to trust the small indications they've given. And they also want to make sure they waited as long as possible, put everything into their relationship they could, and communicated the best they were able before they decide that their life goals and their partner's don't mesh and it's time to move on. I believe these ladies are strong enough and smart enough that if they knew explicitly that their guy was stringing them along and just using them (the whole cow and milk scenario) they would pick up and leave. No matter how hard it is. But they love their guys and sometimes they just need an outlet while they are being patient.
The deadlines help them deal with that possibility that nothing may happen and it's literally been long enough. Or sometimes the deadlines are just for them to focus on a date to keep their mouth shut. And sometimes the deadlines are literally dates their SO promised they'd be engaged by. I mean, if it's a promise, how can you not be nervous or excited? I'm sure there is at least one person out there that is ring hungry. But most of the women here are simply trying to navigate waters they've never navigated before. It's not always easy and we're not always the strongest women we know we are.
Just my 2 cents. 
@jackndiane: Hi, no I was not referring to your post. But I will answer. I think I meant more like if HE said (unpressured) that he wanted to be engaged by summer, and by December he hadn't asked you to marry him I think you should either stay and ZIP IT, and be content in the relationship or just walk.Meaning HE should stick to the timeline HE gave you, not the one YOU (anyone) gave him.
I *do* agree that you should move on if a proposal isn't happening. But I do not think one should be giving him deadlines. It's a fine line to determine what's a "deadline" what's a "timeline" and if you're "pressuring".
I agree with the OP that deadlines aren't usually a good thing. Now, FI and I had a mutual timeline but there was no deadline ever. I agree with the PP's that said, if he wanted to marry you he'd propose and if he didn't/hasn't then maybe that's where the conversation should happen, not a fight about a deadline.. Men do what they want....hell or high water wont stop a man from proposing if he really wants to IMO.
@vmec: You put that really well. It is a very fine line. And it's sometimes hard to express a timeline without it sounding like a deadline. :)
@vmec: Well, it sounds like we are sort of saying the same thing in different ways. I also don't think that a man should be badegered into proposing. I do think that some women, unfortunately, have to draw a limit though.
Another suggestion is to all the women who are just dying to be engaged, and have made timelines known and can't bear to wait ANYMORE. Christ... I think the lady should get down on the damn knee and ask him. The romance was already kicked out the door... least this way you KNOW. LOL.
I swear I would have.
Yeah I have read post sometimes and went really and you wonder why the man is afraid to propose.... however there are also post I understand. If you have been waiting forever and he continues to drag along then it is time to have a conversation or two abotu where he see's the relationship going. A girl can't wait around forever.... I think thats what the original poster was talking about.
Some people need to plan their lives. I did not intend to keep dating someone with no knowledge of it going anywhere. I wanted a family, kids etc. someday. I didn't set a "deadline" per se like a season or date or whatever but when we graduated college and were looking for jobs it was time to have that talk and say hey, I'm not waiting forever here.
I think some people just want to know if it's going anywhere. If its never going to happen whats the point of waiting? If it doesn't give them the push they need then its over and you move on with your life.
I havent given a deadline to my boyfriend, but I do firmly believe that this is OUR life and big decisions like this should be made as a couple. So we discuss the best timing for us and talked through our different beliefs on when we should get married. He believed we should get married when we want to have kids and I wanted to enjoy being married before we bring children in it. We talked through what we were both thinking and came up with a mutual understanding of when engagement would happen. (There is a years worth of wiggle room there)
Now that we have that understanding, I will sit back and wait for him to propose because he really wants to make it a special moment.
We have a lot of pressure externally from family and friends to get engaged and sometimes I get upset because I really dont want our engagement ever feeling like he was forced into it!
I'm not sure, but I think a lot of the deadlines that are talked about on here are ones that women don't explicitly tell their boyfriend. I know many have talked timelines with their SO, but that's different from a timeline. I have spoken about a timeline with my boyfriend, but when it comes to a deadline, well that's different. I don't think that I would ever tell him "hey, here's the deadline of when you have to propose by." I think it's more of a mental deadline for myself. My timeline date (according to bf) is by Christmas of this year. My deadline date I haven't really even considered. As long as things are going well, and he has some valid reason for not proposing after years of being together, then I would stick around. But if it's commitment issues, then I think that's when you need a deadline, to preserve sanity and self-respect.
If a woman is 34 years old, has been with her bf for 5 years with no proposal in sight, is a timeline acceptable? Yup, especially if she wants kids.
If the woman in question is 21 and has been with her bf for a year, then no I don't really think it's time to be pushing for a deadline.
This is a very touchy subject and I think we should all be respectful of the fact that for many bees it is a painful subject.
I was in no way a "waiting" bride. Four months in we got engaged, there were no timelines or deadlines mentioned. Do I sometimes look at desperate posts on the waiting board--women living with a man for 10 years who haven't proposed--and think "if he wanted to marry you he would have done it nine years ago"? Sure. But that doesn't mean I can't understand the emotional turmoil they must be going through as they try to wait out a proposal.
I also think that a timeline is totally different from a deadline. Especially the older you are. If I were a 30 year old woman with a man who wouldn't commit you could bet your life that I would NOT give up my chance for a family and waste my youth on a man who didn't love me enough to commit. And that I believe is where a timeline comes in.
persianprincess - For me setting a timeline or a deadline it isn't for the sake of "demanding" anything. I've never once screamed or shouted - or anything that insinuates a demand- at my SO that I want him to get a ring and propose or else.
We've been together nearly 3 years and getting married is important to me. (Hell its important to every person who posts on this site, or else why would we all visit and post on WB?)
I think for most people in a serious relationship the conversations around engagement/marriage/future come up very organically as the relationship progesses. Its simply part of the dating cycle, and while it is lovely when a proposal comes out of the blue and unexpectedly, when 50% of all marriages end in divorce it would be irresponsible for a couple considering a long term future NOT to have had a conversation about where they are heading to make sure they are compatible and to check that they actually do want the same things. Including when they would like to get married, if that is both what they want.
I want a lot of things for us, we have a lovely home, trust each other completely and for our future we both want children and I want to do that in a family unit with a man I love, who I want to call my husband. Unfortuately my SO, like so many others, seems to think that having a child takes one time, one night and so by setting "timelines/deadlines" together we are working towards that future.
I completely agree that "demanding" a ring is a complete turn off, and I've seen friends bitch and moan constantly about their/and to their SO's about wanting the ring. Then they can't stop gushing about them once the ring comes along and its sad to see that its not founded on the real love they should have for their man.
Prehapes we need a new word for "timelines/deadlines" as I use them interchangably!
and vmec - trust me there is a lotta romance in my relationship, there is nothing wrong with "dying to be engaged" - I AM dying to be engaged. To the man I love.
For me, it's not so much a "deadline" as a "timeline." When I realized (from honest and direct conversations) that we weren't going to be engaged before moving in, I wanted to know what was realistic. If I'm compromising my desires, I wanted to know what I was bending to. So I asked HIM when HE saw us actually getting engaged, and he answerd "definitely by July 1." I am a planner, and I want to know what my life is going to look like in the next few years. I am also trying to do things differently than my previous live-in relationship; trying not to make the same mistakes. I do not want to propose because we are both fairly traditional about that.
Asking for his timeline was also about feeling empowered in the relationship (especially because I felt very disempowered from the vantage-point of a "waiting" bee), stating my needs, communicating my wants, and gauging his reactions while encouraging him to share his needs/wants. I've dated enough men to realize that many of them aren't as planning-oriented as we are (I am), and most men don't have the biological clock ticking either. (Yes, I know that at 30 I don't need to panic yet, but I want to bear children before I'm 35 bc of health reasons and counting back from that with wanting a year to plan the wedding and a year to "just" be married...we have to get married in 2012).
One last thing, regarding the question about if communicating about timelines kills the romance of a surprise proposal: I have no idea when (between now and July 1) he's going to propose. I don't know how he's going to propose either. I also firmly believe that open and honest communication (and trust and love) is what keeps romance alive for the longhaul...which is way more important to me than one "hollywood super surprise proposal" evening. To each her own, I suppose. :-)
I appreciate what you wrote "I think we should all be respectful of the fact that for many bees it is a painful subject."
To me, the original post lacked compassion. The intention behind that post, although it was meant to be portrayed as "curiosity", has an undertone of judgement/annoyance. I choose not to express my opinion on the actual subject (timeline/deadline) because I just find the whole post unnecessary.
What purpose did this post serve besides hurt some bees feelings and perhaps put some on the defensive?
Where is the solidarity between women? 
@minie77: I second this one million percent! This IS a really touchy subject, every relationship is different, and we should all be very gentle with each other. You. Go. Girl.
@Ms. Polar Bear: Good for you! I think it's lovely that you can be so compassionate for the waiting ladies despite the fact that you personally never had to "wait." Your post embodies what we should be doing as women: helping one another rather than judging each other's relationships.
A deadline was my "walk" date. I never gave my deadline to my then SO- I just let him know that I was tired of waiting with no valid reason and if he wasn't ready to fully commit, then I needed to move on.
I agree, especially in a long relationship. If he's saying, I want to marry you.. and it's just not happening.. after 2 or 3 years have gone by, I can totally understand why you would set a deadline, for your own sanity.
I think it's only fair to let him know that you're going to walk at some point, I think just walking out on a good thing would be stupid. Especially if you didn't make your needs/wants clear first.
It's a last resort for almost all girls, I'm sure.. but why wouldn't you at least try to fight for what you have together before you walk away?
Posts like these upset me, even though I was never technically "waiting: like the women on these boards. There is still such a power imbalance in so many relationships, and the idea that you shouldn't talk about marriage, or that you should zip it and wait for a surprise proposal reinforces that.
Personally I don't understand the whole engagement process. It's like marriage and life in general have progressed, but the engagement process is in the 1950s. I can tell from reading these boards that the attitude that the man has to be in control of the whole thing has lead to a lot of anxiety and hurt feelings. The gender roles are all funky and people don't really know what they are supposed to do. You don't see this in any other aspect of life.
My SO and I talked about marriage and made the decision to get married together. I was ready a bit before him, and made sure he knew that if he wasn't ready to get married soon, I was going to give some thought to moving on with my life. I don't understand why men and women are supposed to be equals, but the man has 100% power over this, and everyone thinks that is ok and some people on here (and elsewhere) berate women for wanting to have a say about when they get married.
Obviously, you should talk about marriage with your significant other and tell them when/if you feel like you are being strung along. The idea that you shouldn't communicate with your SO is crazy. I agree that if you have to "nag" or "pressure" someone for years on end, you should probably just leave. But I see nothing wrong with telling the person your intentions first.
I'll step off my soapbox now, I just find this irritating to be honest, and most definitely to be a passive aggressive jab at those waiting who have discussed timelines.
Deadline Timeline...Tomato Tomatoe
To begin @persianprincess: I think you are misunderstanding "deadline/timeline" with "ultimatum". There is a big difference. Like one of the PP said I don't really think the SO's really know these deadlines/timelines(unless their mutual). I know mine doesn't. They are just for the waiting bee herself.
I agree with @armychica06: that's my "walk date". For me I've been in a relationship going on 4 years. I also want another child(ren) with my husband. Marriage is very important to me. So if a man can't give me that commitment and make that vow to me and God then I'm out. Point. Blank. Period.
@EleanorRigby: Preach Girl! I couldn't have said it better myself.
To each their own. Why would you post something negative about how other people decide to live or operate their lives? If you don't set deadline/timelines, don't like them, etc. Fine. Do you. But don't criticize people who do. After being in a relationship for so long a woman knows her SO and it gets to a point to where she realizes that he possibly doesn't want the same things out of life that she does. Just to be sure...hints the Deadline/Timeline. If he hasn't done it by then she has every right to move on.
HAHA ok. well i understand if you had no idea if your man was going to ask you and i will say that i have been there myself wanting to make "walk dates" and whatnot but then i realized that i had something good and wouldn't just drop him on a certain date just because he hadn't asked me? hopefully none of you would do that if you loved your men.
plenty other people have been able to bring up "touchy" subjects but i didn't think this was going to be one of them.
i'm truly sorry if i have offended anyone but i just couldn't grasp the thought of planning my entire life out just thinking about when someone is going to propose and how long it was going to take. but now i kind of do.... i guess.
but then again i'm not so sorry because i was JUST WONDERING why a lot of you did that. so thanks a lot.
For me, I view it as a "needed" push. Sometimes guys don't realize the woman is "waiting."
I also think it's also kind of silly. You're going to tell me that you have a man that you're ready to marry... 100% without a doubt in your mind you want to spend the rest of your life with him... he's the one. He treats you well and can take care of you and he's the only one for you. But if he doesn't propose by xxxxx you're gone? That's it? How does that make sense? But that's just how I view it and I'm sorry if it offended anyone.
@persianprincess: You said women who want to establish a timeline are "demanding" and "controlling" and that asking for a timeline "sucks." So it's a little more than "just wondering."
But hey, if you were trying to stir the pot mission accomplished.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| rachgirl82 | 33 |
| kate02121 | 12 |
| ndreighton | 11 |
| louiseW | 10 |
| ozpeony | 8 |
| Indecisivebride2012 | 8 |
| Lyndzo | 7 |
| abbie017 | 6 |
| cbeyelia | 6 |
| rivierabridal | 6 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| rachgirl82 | 1 |
| beargoose | 1 |
| redheadem | 1 |
| NehaPrasad92 | 1 |
| Rush1986 | 1 |
| Sunfire | 1 |
| cbeyelia | 1 |
| Erika_Meep | 1 |
| fivemonthsnotice | 1 |
| mgbee | 1 |
