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That sucks! I don't think your FI should just suck it up and go if this is what they're planning on doing, but it sound slike he already tried to talk to his BM about it and was competely blown off! Maybe he should talk to some of the other groomsmen about it? They might be more understanding and help turn the tides so he can have the kind of bachelor party HE wants. It is for him! If they want to go to strip clubs and go binge drinking, they shouldn't be using his bachelor party as an excuse to do so.
Oh boy. Well, my FI is the same as yours. He doesn't want the whole man party thing. We've actually talked about having a combined bachelor/bachelorette party. I don't mind strip clubs, so I thought it would be fun for us to get a group together and do something like that. Not spend the entire night there but have some laughs, get a few dances, etc.
I feel bad for your FI, especially after what his BM said. That's just not cool. If the party is NOT for your FI (technically but not literally), then I think if I were him, I might say something. And perhaps an email isn't the way to go. If he can just tell him in person that he's not going, have fun without me...
Has he told his BM what he really wants to do? It's a shame.
Keep me posted.
What a bummer...it should be whatever your FI wants and he should stand up for that! Maybe he should just plan his own thing...It should be a fun time for friends to get together no matter what they end up doing. I am with you, I don't get why guys do that to each other.
That sucks, I can't believe his guys are being so selfish!
Hopefully he puts his foot down and he can do what HE wants to do!
I agree with your FI's sentiments that if the party isn't for him and it's really for them, then they can go party without him. His wedding should be an excuse for them to get trashed. It should be about them celebrating his bright future. Maybe he should call all his groomsmen together and really just lay it out that this isn't what he wants and he won't enjoy it at all and they shouldn't be doing something that will make him unhappy when it should be a happy event.
That's really messed up. I agree he should get them all together and make it clear as to what he wants. I hope they will realize the error of their ways.
Ugh, that stinks.
My Fi told his BM that he didn't want any stripper-related stuff at his and all of the guys were great about it! He (thank God) doesn't like them and would rather spend money on food, gambling and drinking. They went for a nice dinner, then drank and gambled the rest of the night. Oh, and they got him a hustler magazine, lol.
I think your Fi should threaten to not go. It's HIS night. Is the BM old or married? I think that sometimes the groomsmen who are old, married or feel "tied down" in some way are the ones who want to go crazy b/c they want to pretend they are still 21.
Wow, that's a messed up comment coming from his BM. My DH decided that he wanted to drink beer and go fishing, so his brother planned accordingly. Half way in the planning the girls were invited along and now we've turned it into a weekend trip and plan on going out one day as a group and then having a night of seperate parties and enjoying time with our friends. If his BM or GM are married or in commited relationships, they will use a bachelor party as an excuse to go out and do things that their wives/gf wouldn't approve of...I know i've heard several guys say that before. Hopefully they'll hear him out before it happens.
I think it's pretty selfish of the groomsmen to do such thing :( It might be just a joke when the BM said "This isn't for you, its for us!" but it's still sounds so selfish. I think all the groomsmen int he world need to be educated that Bachelor Party is ultimately for the happiness of the Groom!
Not coming to the Bach Party would be quite bad and create more problem (for the friendship and for the wedding). Your FI should just talk to his groomsmen about it. If they are really a good friend, they should understand.
Wow, your FI's groomsmen are really selfish! My FI is the same way: strip clubs and partying like a frat boy are probably his two biggest nightmares come true for any kind of outing, especially his bachelor party. Neither of us is having a b/b'ette party because it's just not our thing, but he had told me if his BM and groomsmen really wanted to throw him one, he would have wanted to go camping, to a baseball game or to a casino or brewery.
Honestly? Your FI should just call up his BM and nicely say, "I really appreciate you guys being enthusiastic about my bachelor party, but I don't think you understand how uncomfortable this makes me. Unfortunately, if you're serious about the party not being about me, and instead about all you, and you decide to do the strip club thing, I won't be attending."
Guys can sometimes be like this, they see their friend slipping away and want to have one last hoorah. Are any of the other guys married or in serious relationships? I think it happens a lot that the groom is "past" this kind of stuff (or never into it!) and the others want a party the way they want it.
It looks like you've gotten some good advice for a potential compromise, just be supportive and help your FI decide how best to handle things with his friends without giving in or ditching them when they're trying to throw him a party.
My fiance mentioned to me once that often the bachelor party is more about the guys attending and what they want to do... and less about the guy getting married.. I never thought about it that way but I guess it sort of makes sense... it gives the other men a chance to cut loose and a valid excuse to do it... "We have to make sure to give "insert name here" one last big wild party..."
If I were your FI I would try one last time to talk to the best man about the bachelor party not being his thing... make it very clear that he won't show up if things don't change...
If the best man doesn't agree to change things... I simply wouldn't show up...
(Of course they still might spring a stripper on him... you never know...)
Yeah, he has tried the nice approach, kind of suggesting that he didn't want these things. He doesn't wanna cause waves, so hasn't really expressed to his BM that he is mad, but he has talked about it to another good friend of his who will be attending. This other friend is married and told my FI that he will watch out for him and make sure nothing too smutty comes close, and I told my FI "Why don't you just accidentally spill a couple of your drinks throughout the night, so you don't get quite as sloshed?"
The BM is the same age as us (28) but is in a serious relationship. He is a much bigger partier than we are, but we both thought he would understand how my FI is and kind of tone the party to his likes and dislikes. They've known each other since they were babies, but it looks like its actually just turning into a way to get my FI as drunk as possible and put in as many uncomfortable situations as possible purely for their entertainment.
I have been trying not to bring it up too much, because it stresses my fiance out, but its hard to not harp on it because it just really bothers me!! I will try to gently suggest one more time that he make sure they are at least considering his wants in their plans. His party is two weekends from now, so there isn't really a lot of time left. He's stuck between a rock and a hard place, I feel bad for him :(
Thanks for the advice! I guess I just needed to vent about it, thanks for that!
Well, it may be a chance for your FI to hang out with his guy friends for the last time as a single guy, but if he's not comfortable with that stuff, he should probably refuse to go if all that is going to be involved. My FI told his groomsmen that he didn't want anything drinking/sexual focused stuff, and gave them some ideas of what he'd enjoy doing with them. Thankfully they respected that. I can't imagine the groomsmen being so selfish!
I'm not sure where your FI's friends are finding their logic, but no, the party is for the GROOM. Not the groomsmen! If he is uncomfortable with that kind of bachelor party and they're planning it anyway, then well, they're jerks, plain and simple. I'm sorry for your FI! If they try and tell him he's being a wet blanket and every guy does that, you can tell them that's bull. My FI isn't even having a bachelor party because the idea gives him anxiety, so your FI is not alone!
Yep. Mine is in the same boat. Actually, he said 'I haven't been a bachelor for years.'
But, he is willing to do the whole strip club thing because best man really wants to. Originally my FI just wanted to have a BBQ / poker night and beer at friends house. But I guess that wasn't 'crazy' enough. I do feel bad for the guys who feel pressured into this stuff.
"This isn't for you, its for us" this is exactly why my hubby ended up with the whole works on his bucks night - it was more about the guy planning it than my hubby.
hubby didnt care if he had one or not, he didnt have to participate in any of the acts (there were quite a few working ladies inc a ladies show) and just hung out at the back of the room with some of the other guys that although they looked (they are guys afterall), they didnt get too involved although hubby did come home covered in whipped cream.
your FI doesnt have to be front and centre for the ENTIRE night so after the initial burst of activity can he move away from all the action to enjoy a few beers with friends?
I am very aware of the fact that my FI's bachelor party is not just for him. His older brother and BM got married quickly (shotgun) and never had any kind of bachelor party and never gets to go out. It's also a destination bachelor party with at least 20 guys confirmed for going.
They are all spending a lot of time, money and energy on the party weekend. As much as I don't like the idea of him getting a lap dance, I would be a fool to try to 'forbid' it because it would happen anyway and they would all just lie to me.
I definitely have a good attitude about the whole thing, I really like the idea of them going somewhere together and having a great time. My FI is so happy that so many of his friends are willing to do this - that means more to him than anything.
My fiance is not doing that kind of bachelor party either. They are climbing half dome in yosemite. One of his friends rented a house in Morro Bay and they surfed all weekend. They drank beer, made steaks and were happy.
It is NOT for the guys. It is for your fiance. I think he should send the email.
His best man should listen to what the groom wants. It's to send him off.
I think he shouldn't go. Why would he go somewhere he doesn't HAVE to go if he doesn't want to. Bottom line. I think he should tell his BM that he's going to "sit this one out" very nicely so he doesn't start a fight with them. If they really made a point to say it's a party for them, then they shouldn't mind going w/o your FI.
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My FI is not into the whole raunchy bachelor party, and has told his best man and other friends as much. They are still planning a stank night, with lots of drinking and possibly strip clubs. He is not happy about this, and is actually kind of mad. He is not even looking forward to his party, and I find that so sad for him.
What he really wants is just to maybe go to the casino, go to a laid-back bar and hang out, maybe play some poker at someone's house. We're not young anymore, and the college drinking bender is just not exciting him at this point.
Last time he talked to his BM he tried to kind of put his foot down about the whole thing ("I don't want to be horribly sick the next day, I don't want skanky strippers giving me lap dances.") and his BM just came right out and said "This isn't for you, its for us!" So noe my FI is really steamed and is thinking about sending them an email saying "Well if this isn't for me, go have your party without me!"
Has anyone else had to deal with this? I don't want strain to ruin his wedding day with his guys, but at the same time I am just as mad as he is at his friends for behaving like this! They aren't taking him into consideration at all, and I just think it totally stinks. Any advice on how to approach this? Should he just suck it up and go? Should I make him a survival pack??