why do guys run-freak out when we mention the M word??

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
4483 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Marriage is a huge commitment, and that scares some people. It’s also not something everyone wants.

Post # 3
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Well first off not ALL guys are freaked out by the M word. And yes, marriage is truly a big deal. I knew going into my relationship with my FI that I wanted marriage to be the outcome and I was upfront about it. He did not “freak out” and two years later we were engaged. It honestly just depends on where you and your partner are in life. If he sees marriage as a means of losing independence, excitement, and a part of himself then he is not ready. And honestly, if its been 5+ years and he is in his forties and is STILL freaked out by the idea of marriage, then it may be time for you to move on if marriage is what you want out of a relationship.  

Post # 4
601 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Alaric2012:  My fiance didn’t freak out, he was actually ready before I was! About 2 months after we started dating, he told me he was going to marry me someday. I was a little panicked at the time & I also told him he was crazy. It really is that big of a deal in my opinion because you’re making a huge commitment to someone that affects the rest of your life so I think it’s okay to be a little freaked when it comes to marriage.

Post # 5
8387 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

As someone that used to freak out at the mention of marriage, I can tell you it’s scary because it’s seems so permanent.  Before I met my husband, I never felt like I could totally be myself with whoever I was dating, and trying to not offend or hurt someone’s feelings took some effort on my part.  It wasn’t a ton of effort, but it was something I found annoying and didn’t want to commit to doing for the rest of my life.  However, once I met my husband, that all changed.  I can only speak about my experience, but it felt like once I truly met the right person, marriage wasn’t so scary.

Post # 6
9 posts
  • Wedding: September 2015

For my FI, I think it was money. He’s always freaked out, and I always assumed it was the commitment level. But after he proposed we talked it out, because he STILL freaked out/shut down/got angry/refused to talk about it. He said he’s not afraid of the commitment, that we could go to the courthouse tomorrow and get married. I truely think its the money, decision-making process. I think because of how his family behaves, he’s afraid of how the actual day will go. But I also think he’s afraid of how *I* will act during the planning process, and the stress it puts on anyones relationship. 

Post # 7
2675 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI

It can be different for every person and many men are not freaked out by the “M Word”. My BIL was with his FI for 5 years before they got engaged. Part of it for him was knowing she doesn’t ever want to move from where they live now (the city/state) and he likes to move around a lot. He is always telling us if it wasn’t for her he’d be living across the country in a heartbeat. Eventually he just knew it was decision time and they got engaged. He still hates where they live but he loves her more.

I’ve known two close female friends who were/are way more afraid of that commitment than their SOs. One, her BF told her 4-5 years ago he’d marry her but she’s the one who has been putting it off. Partially because she had professional goals she wanted to reach before getting married. Her parents also had a horrible marriage and divorce so I think she’s extra cautious.

My DH has a handful of friends who are single and just want to get married. We helped one of his friends move recently and he told us it won’t feel like home until he has the right woman to share it with…and so many of his single friends agree! SO not every guy out there is terrified of marriage, many can’t wait to meet the right person.

Post # 8
867 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

If you are with the right person there is no freak out, that goes for both guys and girls. My FI never freaked out about it once, we had been together for a few years and lived together when we started talking about it. It was a mutual discussion with lots of communication and planning. Sorry girl but it sounds like ur just not with the right guy. 

Post # 9
527 posts
Busy bee

If they run, let them. Men who don’t run or freak out at the mention of marriage are the ones you are looking for.

Agree with PP who said maybe you’re ot with the right guy 🙁

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  GreenBayBee.
Post # 10
8847 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Mine freaked for a long time because he wasn’t ready to totally “grow up”…. he associated being married with being responsible for a family, being stable in finances and career, not being able to take off on month-long adventures like we did through our 20s.  Even though we’re not particularly traditional and weren’t planning on having kids right after the wedding or anything.  Silly but what do you do, you can’t really argue with how a person feels.

I disagree with others here that “it’s not the right person”… sometimes people just need time.  My husband is the absolute love of my life and vice versa but did not want to marry until he hit certain benchmarks in life.

Post # 11
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

My FI never freaked out about it, but I was super frank about it up front when we first started dating (that I wanted marriage and children, not that I wanted it with him) and he voiced that he wanted that too, so I was never too worried about it.

Post # 12
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Alaric2012:  Is marriage a big deal?!  YES, absolutely.  Outside of the HUGE commitment, it legally binds people together in many ways, unless there are clauses that state differently (say, a pre-nup).  Do all men freak out?  No, not necessarily.  I think the “M-word” is scary for everyone at some point in their lives, until people are fully 100% ready to take the next step.  Unfortunately, there is not a perfect equation that makes someone ready.  It can take days, months or years!  I know because of your age range, you feel your partner SHOULD be ready, but age is not a factor in being ready necessarily.

Had I met my DH 5 years ago, I think we would still be married in the exact same timeline, than meeting him when I did.  He needed, and even I needed to accomplish various things (in our minds) before we would commit to marriage.  Luckily, we met ‘later’ (29, married at 32) in life, and not only did those things apart, but we also completed some things together.  We started talking marriage about a year in, and neither of us were freaked out about the idea, but we just were not ready…yet.  What was most important to me was that marriage was not off the table for him completely, because there are some that do not want it, or feel it is needed, and that is absolutely OK, but it may have been a deal breaker for me whom desired a marriage eventually.

I woud not pressure him into it (not that you are), and try to wait patiently for when he is ready, but if you want marriage, I would ensure he absolutely wants it too eventually!

Post # 13
2081 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Alaric2012:  Not all men freak out about marriage. My husband made it clear to me after one month that he intended to marry me and he meant it. It all depends on the man, where he is at in his life and what he truly wants.

If your boyfriend is “freaking out” about marriage after so many years and with him being in his late 30’s, early 40’s then I would venture to say he probably does not want marriage at all. Or maybe he does want it but other things are preventing him from moving forward…impossible to tell based on your post.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  sillysillybee.
Post # 14
4042 posts
Honey bee

Completely depends on the person and the state of the relationship. My DH didn’t freak out about marriage, he was more stressed about finances and wanting things to be “settled” when he went to propose. He waited a little longer than he wanted to propose because he was in the process of getting into a stable career. But when I brought up marriage, he didn’t freak out. He explained why he was waiting to propose and I understood. He ended up proposing 6 months later.

Post # 15
100 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t know why guys freak out but I this reminds me of a story. My SO and I were playing the game Taboo with another couple. It was guys against girls and my SO had the word “marriage” and was trying to get the other guy to guess it. His first clue was, “This is something we’re trying to avoid!”

I guess my SO is better at “avoiding” marriage than the other guy. The other couple is married with a 2 year old now lol.

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