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Oh girl, I understand how you feel. There were a few guys in my past that I was completely infatuated with and would do anything for them even though they were horrible to me. I think you really should try to break ties with them and not google them or look them up. I have moved past these guys and don't want them back because I know that I don't deserve to be hurt by anyone anymore. I just hope that you can realize that yourself and that you deserve so much better than that guy.
OK, let me get this straight - you fooled around with a guy 6 years ago who is now married to a friend of yours, you are obsessed with him and Google stalk him, and you would cheat on your FI if at any point this guy threw you a bone? That's f**ked. I'm sorry, but it is. I would give you advice - stop Googling him, etc. - but the fact that you've said that in your heart you know you'd break your marriage vow makes me not even want to bother because you're clearly not ready for marriage. You're not even married and you're already contemplating cheating? Like seriously, wtf is that? Maybe if you think about how your FI would feel if he knew that, it would put you in check? Maybe? I don't know. All I know is that I had one of "those" guys for a long time who I was willing to cheatwith/did cheat with while I was in various relationships and I really thought he would always be "that guy" for me - until I met my FI. Then all those feelings went straight out the window and I've never looked back, even after seeing "the guy" at a wedding (without my FI there) when he was with his new GF. It was all good. We chatted, wished each other well, etc. You're clearly not there and I really don't think you should be getting married if you can't even commit to the idea of being faithful to your husband before you've even said your vows.
You HAVE to stop googling him and cease all ties IMMEDIATELY before you have the chance to potentially ruin your relationship with FI and future husband. Something I always say to peeps in this kind of situation. Imagine if the shoe were on the other foot and instead of you google stalking an old flame, your FI were doing it...and contemplating cheating on you if that opportunity presented itself again. You might think twice.
Yikes, that's a tough one. While FI and I were just dating, I found out my ex was getting married. I had a little pang of something - - jealousy, sadness, etc. It went away pretty quickly. I knew even then that if he tried to come back in my life I would NOT be interested. I love FI more than anything, and am not even interested in the possibility of anyone else.
I think I would evaluate your relationship. There is something wrong if you know you would cheat if given the chance. Maybe you aren't in the right relationship.
Regardless, you are not a bad person, and at least you are admitting to these feelings. Good luck!
You are totally right, it is messed up.
The only defense I can make is that I have made absolutely no attempt at initiating anything with him at all. I know I have this weakness, so I make no move that would put me in a compromising spot.
But it is there, and I hate it.
Yeah....I'm going to agree, no more stalking. It seems like a heavy drama filled situation that left some scars. I'm going to guess your infidelity would be more out of spite and to show you're better than your ex-friend and what not than liking him. It's hard but really, stop. Delete them as a facebook friend and what not but you really need to do something to get over the situation.
Well at least you're willing to admit it's not cool. And I commend you for that.
Ouch, Kittyachi, that might have come across harsher than you meant... Honestly, it sounds to me like your residual feelings for this guy are bordering on an obsession/addiction: you don't want him anymore, but you'd still be willing to get together with him if the opportunity arose, even though you know how much it would hurt you and your husband. Especially the part where you talk about recognizing the negativities of your past relationship but going through with it anyway (i.e. he didn't care for you, he didn't care about your feelings, and he was fooling around with someone else the whole time) sounds like you aren't really in control of your actions when it comes to him.
Does your Fi know anything about this guy? Like that you dated and you still Google stalk him? I think continuing down this path is really unhealthy, both for you as an individual and for your marriage. Like any addiction or obsession, it's going to be hard to finally end it, but you really need to do this for the sake of your future with your Fi. You might even want to seek out a counselor for some extra help as you go through the process. Just remember the end goal: to stabilize your relationship with your Fi and get rid of any temptations that might come between you two.
Yeah you have to stop google stalking him and just cut yourself off completely. If you honestly love your FI and you know you could never trust yourself around this other guy, then don't even give yourself any temptation to do anything. Maybe next time you think of him, look at it outside of the box. Think "wow this guy could potentially completely ruin everything I have with my FI. That's just totally unacceptable." It's okay to fantasize a little (I personally like to about a few certain male celebs, LOL) but if there's a chance that it could happen (and read this: ruin everything) you gotta stay away from that. If your FI ever found out you google this guy that could really hurt him. Just pledge to yourself not to do it anymore. If you get tempted to, go busy yourself with a wedding project or other task.
Hmm, Mrs. Spring, I appreciate that advice, it is sound. FI does know that we dated, but I dated lots of guys before him, and his was just my most unhealthy relationship, not my most serious. BTW, I google stalk him maybe six times a year. And we live over three thousand miles apart. And no longer have mutual friends. Temptation isn't what I am facing, really, it is more of a self-hating thing. A few months go by, I google him, I hate on myself for the weekend, and then it gets reshelved in the back of my mind. Repeat.
I think this one is completely in your court. You realize it's bad, no not just in a 'cutter' sort of way but in a 'i'm being a jerk to my husband' sort of way. You can either stop doing it or keep being mean to your husband. I know easier said than done but really, you're getting married, this isn't just about being mean to yourself anymore.
@ hcritton.
That. Wow, thank you. Perfect way to push past self-hating to, wake the F up and snap out!
Thanks for the words, kind and harsh. Sometimes you need a cold glass of water in the face.
No more google.
@ Kittyachi - ditto.
I'm sorry, and trying to be understanding, but it's pretty difficult to hear someone say that they would cheat on their spouse if so & so came into the picture.
It seriously bothers me even when people say that kind of crap about celebrities & hypothetical yet unrealistic situations.
I think you should re-evaluate yourself, and your level of commitment to him, before you destroy a potentially life-long relationship.
Maybe next time the temptation comes across though you should just tell yourself 'No I won't do this because it will hurt my relationship/marriage and it won't bring about anything good for me.' Continually entertaining those thoughts and looking for him will continue the obsession with him and make it so that you keep thinking about him. The more you push down those thoughts, the more they will go away and you won't think about him and what he is doing or you won't care.
Agreed, that sounded way harsher than it was meant to. My apologies, OP. I have been on both sides of this issue, and neither of them are easy or fun. I just know that when was having those feelings I wasn't ready for commitment, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you aren't. I was probably projecting there. Everybody is different. It's really good that you aren't putting yourself in positions where anything could happen to damage your relationship, but I really do think you need to reevaluate your relationship, or maybe where YOUR head is at right now that you are still entertaining this idea when you are in love with your FI. You are holding on to something toxic here and it is only going to end up hurting you, and you need to get to the bottom of where these feelings are coming from before you can make the huge step to commit your life to your FI. That's more what I was trying to say above but I reread it and it definitely didn't come across the right way. So, sorry about that.
That sounds exactly like the impulsive behavior of an addiction or an obsession. You have no connection to this guy, but you keep seeking him out anyway. You stalk him, feel bad about yourself for giving in, wait a couple months, and do it all over again. Even the title of your post "Why do I do stuff like this" sounds like an addict. You're in the addicition cycle, even if the "temptation" isn't that strong, or you only do it a few times a year. It might not be a life-threatening addiction like drug or alcohol abuse, but addiction comes in all shapes and sizes. The common symptom, for most people, is a behavior that they would like to stop doing because they recognize the possible negative impacts but they are drawn to do it anyway. A lot of addicts also hate themselves after they've given into that behavior, no matter whether it is taking a drink or stalking an old boyfriend. This is all just my opinion of your posts, but talking to a trained professional might be your best attempt at breaking the cycle.
Not to get too personal but how was your childhood? Did you ever feel like you had to work for love or acceptance of a parent? I learned through therapy that I always chased the bad boys who rejected me on some level, because I was used to having to work for love from my parents. My parents always wanted more from me and I never had their acceptance. This is what I learned love felt like. People tend to replicate their parental relationships later on through romantic relationships. You get hooked from the rush when they finally want you, and then when they hurt you or reject you= you want them even more! It's called being a chaos junkie.
When you have someone that loves you and treats you well, you are like huh? what is this? You are used to chaos and hurt. We must learn that is not a healthy love, and move forward with people that love us and treat us right. There is a book on this my therapist gave me "Getting the love you need" Maybe a counselor would help. Read the book and don't feed your obsession by looking the ex up. Out of sight out of mind
I wasn't implying that I would actually cheat on my husband with a celebrity. I wasn't just saying every so often I'll daydream about a celebrity or two and I personally don't find anything wrong with that. It's not like I sit there and think about screwing them, I'll just think about how hot they are for example. If that bothers anyone, I apologize.
Just to touch on what some other bees said, I do think there is something you are obsessively or non-obsessively holding onto with this guy or the relationship itself. Maybe once you can identify what it is, you can move past this.
I'm thinking a few sessions with a counselor might be a good idea. This is just a theory, but it sounds as though this guy might be have retained such significance not because he's your be-all and end-all, but because he represents something to you, either about your past or your self, that you have trouble confronting directly.
Sometimes the people to whom we are most drawn - especially when they're bad for us - are the ones who confirm our inner fears, doubts or negative beliefs about ourselves.
@ Kittyachi
Not a problem. Your restatement is basically what I got from your first post. I am not in the least interested in defending this feeling. I hate it, that is why I posted about it, not to brag or anything!
I definitely agree with PPs that some therapy might help get to the bottom of what I think is something that runs deeper than just this guy. Therapy has helped me think of things in different ways and allowed me to see myself, my behaviors, and my actions much more clearly, which sometimes is painful and a huge wake up call, but we all need a smack in the face every now and again if we are going to change ourselves for the better and break destructive patterns of behavior.
@ hcritton -
I hadn't even read your post when I replied. No need to apologize for anything!
My statement wasn't directed at you.
I've been hearing stuff like that at work lately. Just yesterday actually by a couple of guys...really bothered me.
I'll think of Edward Cullen all I want to :P
Sorry thought it was directed at me. I just wanted to set the record straight that I wasn't saying cheating with celebrities was alright or anything of that nature--if anyone thought that.
LOL - OK OK, we will definately make an exception for Edward ;)
tee hee
:P
Wow that is a tough situation. But just think of it this way: you have a wonderful man that treats you right and put away all his defenses to be with you and spend the rest of his life with you. You need to forget your past, there is a reason they didn't make it to your future!
Hahaha I just read the last couple of comments, Edward Cullen? I think Jacob is better, lol. At least he can keep you warm!
everyone gave you great advice!! even if some of it WAS harsh (hey we all need tough love sometimes!) I could re-iterate what everyone has said - but you know there's no questions about what you have to do...
I just wanted to say I DO totally understand the situation (well, not the 'would leave/cheat on FH though...but i won't go there)...but I DO understand still having feelings for someone even after they hurt you...
about a year (almost exactly 1 year) before I met DH - I was in a relationship that lasted BARELY two months - but I fell soooooooooo freakin' hard for this guy...and to this day i still think about him on a daily basis...mainly because both of his sisters work here at the same place I do and so when I see them in the hall I of course start thinking of him. His sister (the one who hooked us up in the first place) KNOWS that I'm getting married and I'm sure (well, i HOPE, lol) by now that he knows...and in all honesty I more hope HE realizes what HE lost...and truly for the way he hurt me I'd much rather do physical harm to him if I ever see him again (for that is what I fanticize about when i think of him...) BUT that isn't healthy either and I know it's not. So it may not be *exactly* the same as yours - but the fact that I still think about him at all IS not good. I've come to terms with how bad he hurt me (left me for his cocaine habit) and can not tell you how many times a day - literally - that I thank God for bringing such an incredible loving man into my life (my husband)...And because of how much I LOVE my husband I know in all honesty that if I were to ever see him I would just turn and walk away because not even the physical harm I want him to endure would be worth ruining what I've got now.
So yeah - it sucks - and yes, it's hard to get over past relationships - but you have to honestly decide what is more important - the rest of your life with a man who loves you more than anything - or continuing to pursue something (and you ARE pursing it by not leaving him alone/internet stalking, etc). You will still think about him time to time as that's just human nature - but you know what you have to do.
Good luck!
Ditto @Mrs.Spring, @MsMarch2010, & @teaandtoast.
@Monitajb, please speak to a counselor or therapist. You speak about hating yourself about this - that it's compulsive (albeit only 6 times a year)...this implies that, as much as you try to control it, this is out of your control. Speaking with a therapist will help you get over any underlying problems that lead you to this behavior & help you gain control so that you can be the loving, devoted (as in 100% devoted, not 94% devoted with 6% distracted by googling this guy) spouse that you so apparently want to be. Good luck!
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I swear, sometimes I am like an emotional cutter.
So, this is the kind of thing that internet message boards are best at, because this is the sort of thing I hesitate to discuss with anyone. Before my FI, I had a disfunctional "relationship" with a guy in college. My previous LTR and I were friends with him when he was in a LTR, then all of us broke up, then he started fooling around with me, who was always sort of desperately in love with him (see Emma of Glee). He was ALSO fooling around with/dating one of my closest friends. And I knew this but was a slave for him, and huge mess, you can see where this is going.
So, now I live on the other side of the country with a wonderful man who actually makes me a better, happier person, not a sad little love-sick puppy. He is married to my old good friend, and we talk maybe once every two years.
This was all over six years ago.
I still google stalk him. And it still kills me every time to see anything about him.
So this is what gets me. I KNOW my FI is awesome and I don't have a doubt in the world about marrying him. However, I also KNOW, deep down, that I would not resist this guy if he ever came back into my life. I suck, right? But I just know it.
I guess I don't really have a question, except to know if anyone else wants to share or offer advise about how to deal with that little spot of darkness in them. It kills me that I know that there is a person in the universe that I would break my future vow to my FI with. I know the chances are small, and I DO NOT actively seek this. But, there it is.