Post # 1
First off, thank you to anyone that responds to this. I really do find weddingbee very helpful.
Okay here’s my story,
so my husband and I got married on May 4th 2013. On our 7 yeat dating anniversary. He is the most kind hearted man and the complete love of my life. But 3 weeks into our marriage I found a phone number on his phone that was under one of his sisters names, it looked suspicious so I googled the number, and it was a escort service. When I confronted him, he changed a digit in the number and called it in front of me and it wasn’t in service. I told him he changed the number because I just googled the original one and it was an escort service, he continued to deny it and I let it go. That same week, a few days later, I found A text message on my husbands phone to an escort. He wrote he couldn’t come to meet her and even called her sweetie. I was crushed. i made him call that number that he texted and the girl that answered greeted him by saying hi sweetie.
Anyway, my husband broke down and admitted he was in contact with escourts but never actually met up with any of them. He said he would plan but never go. I forgave him and told him I would forgive him entirely and I promised I wouldn’t go through his phone anymore and since than I haven’t. I trust that he was sorry and that he hasn’t been in contact with anyone like that since.
Now I just started a new job and in my training class majority our married, newlyweds or have babies on the way. It’s great because we all share wedding pictures (even the guys) and talk about our spouses all the time. And I tell me husband about everyone and what goes on in my day.
Today at lunch one of my fellow colleagues, a lady that is engaged and planning her wedding, and a guy that is married and has a baby on the way, asked me to come out for lunch with them. Just to grab something and they were coming back to the office. I agreed and went the guy drove and all 3 of us talked about training and our spouses and his wife and her pregnancy, we got our food came back to the office and had lunch with all our other colleagues.
Bees, I told my husband that the 3 of us went to grab something for lunch and I even brought some food home for my husband for when I was done work but I feel so guilty. We areall colleagues and some of us our becoming friends in my training class. But I feel horrible Because I rode in another mans car.
I don’t understand. I can’t lie for the life of me. And I’m always honest with the husband. I told him about lunch but thinking now I didn’t mention that the guy drove. Am I wrong? I didn’t leave out that detail intentionally but should I feel guilty? I feel ridiculous but I can’t help it.
Post # 3
That’s ridiculous. Unless you were making it out with him in his car, his driving the three of you to pick up lunch is completely irrelevant. You have nothing to feel guilty about. There are going to be times in your adult life where you are alone with a man who is not your husband.
Post # 4
@unknow123: I really don’t understand why riding in a colleague’s car to grab lunch is a big deal? I do that all the time at my job – we all grab lunch together. Is that something your husband would be upset about? If so, I think that’s an issue.
I’m so sorry about what you went through with the escort service, I’m glad you were able to work things out but I don’t know if I could forgive something like that. :/
Post # 5
@unknow123: So you feel guilty about being in a car with another guy but his escort service indiscretion is just waved away?
Post # 6
Also – curious to know why you felt the need to start the post off with your husband’s escort indescretion?? Do you feel like the two incidents are related or similar to each other? Because they’re definitely not.
Post # 7
- Wedding: October 2013 - The Fox Hill Inn
@unknow123: Would you have felt differently if a female drove and a guy happened to be in the car? I wouldn’t feel guilty about being in another man’s car or going out to lunch with another guy. I’ve gone out to lunch one-on-one with a male co-worker before and it’s really no big deal, you just work together! Is there something else here you’re not mentioning? Did you kiss the guy or something?
I’m not sure how this relates to your husband calling an escort service, this seems to be totally unrelated.
Post # 8
I have to gently agree with the others. i don’t understand at all what you are beating yourself up over? because you ommited who operated the vehicle? That makes zero sense and I agree is completely irrelivent. I personally wouldn’t even think to tell my husband ifi went on a group trip to pick up lunch with colleagues, regardless of their relationship statuses, unless it came up for one reason or another. You are a wife, you behave in front of others the way you would of your husband was sitting right next to you and that’s all that is expected of you. You are not expected to explain your every move, every detail of your day if it involves someone who happens to have a penis.
I also don’t understand why you bring up his indiscretions as if what you “did” was somehow comparable to his lies and breeches of trust. What he did would have broken my heart to pieces. And while I commend you for findinf it in your heart to forgive and trust again, as married people should at least try to do, I wouldn’t have let that one go so lightly. Is wonder what’s going on with my husband and our relationship that he feels the need to communicate with escorts. And although forgiveness is in order sometimes, I certainly wouldn’t trust that he won’t repeat his actions without some sort of understanding on why he did it and why he won’t do it again.
just don’t compare yourself to your husband. And don’t be naive, men who have a weakness for prostitutes usually always have and always will.
Post # 10
@unknow123: You’ve been posting about your fiance engaging with escort services (among other pretty serious fights and problems) for the past 2 years. If this issue has not resolved itself, than I don’t think he’s going to change nor do I think you’re going to be able to become ok with it.
Your post title says it all, and frankly I think you should focus on answering that. WHY do YOU feel guilty when this man quite obviously treats you horribly? You felt guilty about this before over the issue with telling your sister, when HE was the one potentially putting your health at risk and lying about it.
If it were me, I would absolutely lose this guy and focus on figuring out why I struggle with guilt when other people do things to hurt me, and why I had stuck around for years with this guy that has done all of the things hes done to hurt you. I strongly suggest therapy.
As for this current situation, this is the real world. Half of the other people in it are of the oppositie sex, and you will have to interact with them. It’s unreasonable to feel guilt over something that is a very normal, and in some cases unavoidable, part of life.
Post # 11
Your co-worker gave you a ride in his car. He didn’t give you a ride on his penis. You’ve done nothing wrong. If you truly feel like you’ve done something wrong by accepting a ride to lunch with two co-workers, but are willing to completely forgive your husband soliciting escorts, it is probably wise to work on your self-esteem and self-respect.
Post # 12
It’s ridiculous to feel guilty about this. Why would there be an issue with you riding in a man’s car?
Post # 14
To echo the sentiments of everyone else… there is literally nothing, absolutely nothing, wrong with riding in a coworker’s car to get lunch. Especially in a group, my goodness.
The escort thing is very sad and sketchy, and the fact that you posted about the two incidents together makes me think that either you have some deeply-seated issues of self-esteem or that your husband has been gaslighting you in some way, trying to convince you that totally normal human interactions like eating lunch with a group of married coworkers is somehow comparable to his at least attempted infidelity.
I really strongly suggest talking to a therapist. Even the way you structured your post suggests there’s way more going on here than the peanut gallery on a message board can usefully address.
Good luck, my dear.
Post # 15
@nearlymarriedlass: Yeah, I’m leaning towards no. Lol. This doesn’t seem legit since the OP has been asking for like two years for advice on the same thing, introducing it like a new problem every time.
Post # 16
@unknow123: There is nothing wrong in riding a car when a man is driving especially when there are 2 other people with you and is job related. It’s not like you are going out or hanging out alone. My husband has given rides to my female housemate, and I don’t see anything wrong with that. It’s true that there will be occasions where you will find yourself either taking or getting a ride from a man.