Post # 1
I’m turning 28 this year. My husband and I got married this past December. He’s on the brink of getting his first full-time permanent teaching job. (He’s a few years younger than me) I work as an Editor. We are swimming in debt still (working on that) and NOT ready to have a baby due to the fact that we really want to be more secure money-wise. I know this situation will change once he begins a FT job (it’s not for sure yet, he’s just the only good candidate they have so far).
But even when our financial situation does improve, we will have a good year or so of paying down our debts before we are comfortable. For some reason, I REALLY want to be done giving birth before the age of 30. I know there’s no good reason I have for feeling this way. I don’t know what made me feel this way. WHY do I feel this way? Am I the only one who has ever felt a weird stigma about wanting to be done by 30?
I know it’s stupid because plenty of women have happy, healthy pregnancies well into their thirties. For some reason I’m just afraid, and I feel like once I hit 30 my “time limit” will be up. I mean, we definitely want a family. I guess I’m just kind of down because I think that when we will be ready financially, I will feel way less inclined to start a family.
Have any of you ever struggled with this?
Many of my friends are pregnant as well, including a ton of my favorite bloggers. SO it’s just been heavy on my mind recently. I hope I don’t offend any of you with this post. I’m just trying to understand why the heck I feel this way!
Post # 2
It’s probably to do with cultural messages or perhaps your own expectation of what your life would be like by age 30.
That being said, it’s just a number. Plenty of 30 year old women give birth to healthy babies. The last three women I know who have given birth were all 30. That seems to just be when it works out for a lot of people.
Post # 3
As you say, obviously you have plenty of time biologically. I would think about the positives of having kids into your thirties to help combat that “ticking clock” feeling. For example, I don’t know how many kids you want, but if you wanted to have even just two, having them both in the span of two years could be overwhelming. But being able to have them into your thirties means you could space them all out by two or three years, or have more than two or three if you wanted (which you couldn’t, if you literally had to have all the kids you were ever going to have by 30)!
Post # 4
So, I come from a circle of friends where the norm is actually to have babies post 30. I have very few friends that had babies in their 20s and I’m currently 31 and expecting my first which will come after my 32nd birthday. I had some of the same hestiations as you, as my mother had all of her kids before her 30th birthday and I love that my mother and I are relatively close in age. But you know what, that wasn’t in the cards for me and I’m thrilled to be a mommy at this stage in my life (and quite honestly, can’t imagine having done this in my 20s at all). It’s definitely okay to feel the way you do, but don’t worry, 30 definitely isn’t too late.
Post # 5
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
rumpunch712: I had the same idea of giving birth before I was 30. And then life happened. I just turned 30 this past December and we decided to TTC next year. Now that next year is set and 2014 seems to be flying by, I am a little nervous to start TTC. I already wrapped my head aorund wanting to be done having babies by 35 but now that the TTC date gets closer and closer, 35 is sounding better and better. We only want to have one, my mom had my sister at 40 (completely natural conception), and I don’t have any issues getting pregnant (based on previous pregnancy), so waiting until 35 to have our one child sounds better and better all the time.
Every year that I have waited so far has meant more stability for my family and more money to allow my child to have a nice upbringing. Waiting a few more years means I’ll likely be even more stable and make even more money so we’ll be that much more comfortable. My mom struggled to raise me when she had me at 23 but my sister has had so many more privileges simply because my mom has had more time to obtain a job with better benefits and more pay. I definitely don’t want to wait too long but I love being 30 and getting to enjoy it just being us for a few years before committing ourselves to being parents. You can put a baby back where there came from if you decide you started too soon.
Post # 6
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
As a 34 year “old”, I can tell you with absolute confidence that being in your 30s is awesome. Don’t be afraid of it. No need to stress. And I am a MUCH better parent now in my 30s than I ever was in my 20s. The years really start speeding up once you hit your 30s and it becomes a lot easier/more natural to step back and see the big picture/not sweat the small stuff.
Post # 7
It maybe due to most women in your live are having babies and you feel left out. I had that pressure from women in my live that I should get marry should and have baby by 32-33 because I have a clock ticking. I did feel pressure and “wanted” to have baby, doesn’t help I have two cute nieces and family & friends share their amazing stories with me. I changed from not liking kid to I want kids. Fast forward to now, I’m 32 and turning 33 this year. I always thought I must get married before 30,heck, I am getting married this October and I’m happy it get delay. Do I still want to have kid so bad? Not really, actually, my family think I’m crazy that I want to wait for 1-2 years before TTC because I want my personal space before fully committed to a mother role. Do I worry? Yes but I’m confident that it will work out just fine. My friend just had her baby last year and she is 42 this year. When she TTC, one of her ovary determined is dead and she has limited eggs. Yes, she has lots of complication during the pregnancy, but she now has a healthy baby boy and she is fine now. So no, 30 is not a big problem, nor 40.
Post # 8
I think it also has so much to do with where you live….we were living in a big city where having kids in your 30s was the norm. Housing cost way more, and at 28 I had one friend who owned a house that even had an extra bedroom for kids.
Now we are living in a much smaller city, where housing is about 1/3 of the cost, and i’m starting to feel “behind”. Everyone I know who is my age either has kids, or isn’t planning on them.
That being said, a lot of people I know who had kids young struggled a lot. Once we start TTC (likely this summer/fall) we’ll have no debt (other than our home), own a house, and have gone on some fantastic trips. We will also both be well established in our careers, and be able to afford for me to be on mat leave for a year. Whenever I get down about not living my plan of having all my kids by 30, I remind myself of what our lives looked like, even two years ago, and how much better they are now (and will be for our kids!)
Post # 9
rumpunch712: Society tries to tell us that we must accomplish certain things by a certain age. Don’t listen! My mother was 32 when she had me and she has never regretted waiting to have kids. 30 is definitely not too late!
Post # 10
- Wedding: April 2011 - in the woods
I’m 31 years old and gave birth to my first child when I was 30. I’m so glad I didn’t become a parent sooner and, although I love my little guy to pieces and am so thankful I have him, part of me wishes I’d gotten pregnant later still.
Post # 11
Ah ladies, thank you so much for your supportive responses! I really appreciate each and every single one. You all made a lot of good points. I think much of it IS to do with the fact that my mom started when she was 18, my husbands mom started when she was 21. And my mother is always asking when she will have her grandbabies! (Which is SO annoying! At the same time, I want my family to be excited about our potential children, but ya know. It doesn’t help!)
DH and I talked last night about it and we kind of tried to come down with a more concrete plan (Man plans and God laughs – right?)… But we decided we will start trying at the beginning of 2016. I’ll turn 30 that April, so it’s kind of a sweet spot I guess. I mean if that time comes and we still aren’t “ready”… we can always hold off a little longer. The thought of doing that makes me feel a little surge of impatience. But truly, reading all of your words today has helped me feel a lot better about that. 🙂
Post # 12
rumpunch712: I’ve always felt that way, too. I thought I would have kids in my mid-twenties but that ship has sailed. You can’t help when you meet the right person or get settled into a comfortable financial situation. Imagine if you did have kids when you thought you wanted to – I bet you wouldn’t be able to give them the kind of life you will be able to when you’re ready! The thing about life plans is that they change so you need to be flexible. It’s hard when you feel behind but you’re making the best decision for your family.
Post # 13
Your timeline and plan sounds a lot like mine! I just turned 30 and am now 4 months pregnant with my first. We got married when I was 28, and my husband was 26…and he just became a teacher, too in his second career.
I think back to being in my early 20s, or even right when we got married, and I cringe at the thought of being a parent so soon. Now is the right time for us, and sooner would have felt like pushing it.
Your plan sounds incredibly responsible, and 2016 will be here before you know it! Use the time to do exactly what you said – get settled, get out of debt, enjoy being a two-person family, etc. For the record, getting pregnant wasn’t difficult for us (3 months) and my pregnancy has been completely smooth and healthy thus far. We have a girl in our August moms group who is several years older and has also had a really smooth and healthy pregnancy. So wait until you feel mentally ready, your body will catch up to you :).
Post # 15
I’m 31 and we haven’t started TTC yet! I can honestly say there is now way I would have been prepared to have a kid in my 20s. I know plenty of people that did but I wasn’t even sure I wanted a kid before we got engaged at 29! It can feel weird watching your friends start to have babies. But I choose to see them as kids I can make my husband practice with!
I absolutely think that your kid will be better off for having you guys wait to be ready. Truly. You’ll be more equipped to be a parent and still be yourself and a wife. Do don’t feel bad! 30 isn’t old!
Post # 14
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
rumpunch712: I hear ya. 30 is such a milestone and some people think of it marking a transition into being “old”. (I’m 31 so I know how that goes!) We’re in the same boat… I’m 31.5 and we not going to TTC for another ~1.5 years – just not ready financially or emotionally for it yet. For now I have fun playing with my friends’ babies and kids, and enjoy all the luxuries of non-parenthood…. sleeping in, spur-of-the-moment trips, relaxing after work with some wine and Hulu, MONEY, etc!
ETA: But really, it is just a number. Most of my friends who have had babies recently have been 32-35 years old, and everything has worked out great for them. I think it makes SO much sense to wait until you’re settled in careers and have some sound financial planning under your belt…