Post # 1
FI is currently in school and doing an internship. Right now he is on Holidays and just doing his internship (12 hour shifts) currently on nights. So he transitioned to nights last night since he is on nights for the next 4 days.
Last night he said he would get groceries and tidy up since he had all night to do it. He has said this before, and never did anything, but he was in school and I tried to be understanding and just let it go. We have a 24 hour grocery store by us, need about 20 items and since I am on a special diet for food allergies and I am out of food, it was important he got groceries last night so I had food to eat. Otherwise, I would have to find time today (I have an extremely busy day) to do it.
Well I get up this morning and he hasn’t done the sink full of dishes, tidied, folded the single basket of laundry or got groceries. He just chilled all night. I am trying to hard to not be pissed off, but like I don’t have any food (he doesn’t have much either), and I have a very busy day and tomorrow so I don’t know when I will find the time to do it.
I worked yesterday, came home, tidied and did the majority of laundry. I just wanted to scream this morning but I calmly just said to him”I am really dissapointed you didn’t get groceries as I don’t have food and I don’t know when I will have time to do it now”.
Well now I am the bad guy as he was like “ok, goodnight”…and went to bed. I said to him”that was me trying to express myself and be nonconfrontational” and he just said “I am tired, I didn’t want to come to bed at 5am for fear of waking you so now I am going”…but I could tell he was all hurt.
Like c’mon, I said it in the nicest tone, I just wanted an “okay, I now know how you feel and I will make an effort”…now I just feel like an a-hole and he and I won’t see eachother until tomorrow morning for 5 seconds when he goes back to bed.
Anyways, this is my rant…any bees have this issue and how to resolve it by getting FI to do what he says he is going to do. I am just getting really frustrated. Don’t tell me you are going to do something and then not do it. It’s so irritating.
Post # 3
Aww, I would not be happy either! Earlier in our relationship DH had some issues doing what he said he was going to do. We did get into some fights about it. We had to have a few talks about it until it finally sank in. If he expects you to follow through when you say you’re going to do something, then he should do the same for you.
Post # 4
@missjewels: ((Hugs)) This is one of my pet peeves so I really feel for you. I despise more than anything for someone to tell me they’re going to do something and then not follow through. It’s easy enough to not say it in the first place.
However, from his side of it – chances are he had all good intentions of doing what he said. At least, hopefully he did. At the very least he should have immediately apologized to you for not doing what he’d said he would do.
Don’t let this go. You don’t want to get into a situation where he does nothing and you pick up his slack; don’t set that precedent for your marriage. You have just as many responsibilities outside the home as he does and you’re just as exhausted and short of energy. Please talk to him about this. Don’t let him squirm out of it. You are in no way in the wrong, whatsoever.
I have a feeling his response to your mentioning that he didn’t get anything done is because he felt guilty about it. And rightly so! Tell him you understand that from his point of view. Tell him you know he’s just as tired and you greatly appreciate all of his efforts to help out.
Remember – when you want someone to change their behavior (and his behavior does need to change here) PRAISE the good things they do, first. Then state your case – calmly and logically, tell him how you feel and how it’s important to you both to have clean clothes and food in the house. And then PRAISE him AGAIN at the end of the conversation. Tell him how much you need him, respect him, love him and appreciate him. But that you are NOT a maid nor his personal servant and you won’t pick up his slack again. And stick to that. You teach people how to treat you.
Post # 5
@pecanpie: I feel for you! My husband is currently unemployed, and I get very aggravated when I can tell he did nothing but play xbox all day while I’m working a 9 hour shift. Most of the time, he is great-he will make lunch and dinner for me and tidy up. However, I still find myself getting upset when there’s no food and/or he will text me to ask me to pick stuff up on my way home. I want to be like “WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? YOU DO IT!” I understand he thinks that because I will already be out driving by the store-it makes sense for me to stop. However, I work 7 am to 5 pm five days a week, and when the clock hits 5-I’m spent! I am a little more lienant with his situation of being unemployed, because it was my job that took us across the country and he had to quit his. He is going insane not working and is actively trying to find employment, but it’s been hard-so I feel for him.
However, I totally understand your frustration. I applaud you for being able to calmly express your concerns to him in a nonconfrontational way. Don’t get too down on yourself. You wanted to get a point across and I feel like you did it in the best way possible. It will blow over, and hopefully he will learn from this experience that if he says he’s going to do something-he should do it. 🙂
Post # 6
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I asked DH to take out the garbage for 3 days (yes, I let it sit there for 3 days because he hadn’t been listening to me and I wanted to test him a little). He’s a teacher and is on break. I, however, still have to go to my 8-5 job and come home to do clothes. Finally on the 26th, I reminded him in the morning before I left (and before he left to go ice fishing), and when I came home for lunch he hadn’t done it. I took out two armfuls of garbage and cried the whole time like a big, fat baby lol.
When he came home, he immediately saw my face and was like, “Oh shit. I know what I forgot to do this morning. I forgot the garbage.” I calmly explained why I was disappointed in him, and he didn’t so much care about that except when I started crying. Then he knew I was really upset. It wasn’t so much the garbage either. It’s when he has the whole day off and he has 1 measly thing to remember and he couldn’t even do it after even being reminded. Did he forget any fishing stuff? Of course not. Plus for Christmas he didn’t have a hard time remembering anything his Grandma asked him to do.
I ask DH if he can do some things for me, and if he says yes I make him a list so he doesn’t forget. It isn’t fool proof, and it doesn’t take care of the problem all the time, but it is a start.
Post # 7
I think the reason you FEEL like a b*itch is because society sets us up to think we “shouldn’t” “nag.” Where “nagging” = “making any request of any sort.” Women are “supposed” to handle all that household and shopping and cleaning stuff — based on the past when women were housewives and didn’t have to work full time on top of everything else. Reality has changed but expectations haven’t, and we’re stuck with the result.
If he says he’s going to do X, HE SHOULD DO X. Especially during hours when he has nothing else to do and YOU are working. I don’t know how to get a guy to do household stuff, but you have my sympathy.
Post # 8
Going back and forth between nights and days is very taxing on a persons energy level and many times emotional state. Plus he was very tired when you brought it up. I get why you’re upset though, bring it up again when he has a full nights sleep under his belt.
Post # 9
My husband works nights every other month and it is awful. He has no energy at all to do anything. I understand your frustration with him because he said he would do these things and didn’t but maybe instead of saying that you were dissapointed in him you could say “babe, i’m not upset with you but you know I need food because I don’t have any. Please let me know if you don’t plan on doing the things that you say you are going to so that I can make plans to get them done.”. My husband would hate if I told him that I was dissapointed in him, that’s what mothers say.
Post # 10
- Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California
DH is working overnights right now [next week is the last week though yaaay!] & I too would be supet frustrated when he slept ALL day & didn’t do a damn thing, like just lay out dinner! I began to realize though that he sleeps most of the day because he doesn’t really ever get ‘good sleep’ & that those overnight shifts are SO hard on your body & mind, so just keep that in mind. It’s hard, but I definitely see why you would be mad. I was/am there :/