Here I am again hive, begging to move on from him. It has been 5 weeks! I so wish everyday got easier but it just seems harder. Yesterday "HE" texted me. He wanted to talk. Of course what do I do? I am all yippy skippy to go talk to him. Realizing that maybe this hope I feel inside will come true. Dont ask me why I do this to myself, I am still trying to figure it out! So like any stupid silly little girl, I leave work early and go see him. Hesitant but so eager. A little cautious even. That was until I saw him. I just stood there. Then he came up to me, grabbed me, hugged me, ran his fingers through my hair and kissed me. HE took my hand and led me to his room to talk. We talked for what seemed like an hour. We both cried. He told me he was scared. He told me he wanted a life with me. He asked me to be his girl. I of course said yes. I have missed him. I wanted him. I love him. He cried, he kissed me. He promised he would never leave me and that we could get through anything. I believed him. One thing led to another and before I knew it, something was happenining under the sheets.
I felt so empty afterwards. All I could do was cry. I had this deep feeling that he would change his mind, regret the things that he just told me. And while it was fun, something felt different. I ended up leaving, crying myself all the way home. I texted him this morning, asking if this was how it was going to be now, being with each other but not talking to each other. He said when he is with me, all the emotions come out. That he wants to be with me. That he is weak when I am near. But as soon as I am gone, his emotions go away and he is back to thinking realistically. He said I pressured him into saying those things yesterday because I was crying and he didnt want to see me upset.
I feel so used. He said he wasnt intending to say those things to me. Or to make love to me. It just sorta happened. Today he said he wanted to be alone. He did not want to be in a relationship. He couldnt give me an answer as to why. He said it was easier. He said all these things while crying to me. He says he loves me and wants to be with me, but he also wants to be alone. I feel so stupid! So betrayed! I begged him to be with me. How could I beg him!
I want to be over him! I want to delete him out of my life. Out of my heart! Out of my thoughts! I pray to God to help me, and all I keep doing is grabbing the situation back. How can God help me when I do that?!? I pray God have mercy on me, and help me. I want to stop thinking about him and loving him and missing him. I just dont know how. If I could just magically turn it off, I would.
Girlfriend you need to change your number and your email address. Stop having any communication with him. He's a user and a manipultor.
you need to stop communicating with him - no matter what it takes (change your number or have his blocked). You also need to tell him to NEVER contact you again. Only once I had done that was I truly free from ex and able to move on. Stop torturing yourself. You shouldn't be leaving work early to go see ANY man - especially not your ex!
@relaxedabout it: +1 he's a master manipulator who can't commit and is addicted to the chase. The second you are not available to him, he comes running back begging for you, once you give in to him, he doesn't want you anymore. THis is not LOVE it's emotional ABUSE!
He is absolutely full of shit. Cut all communication with this guy and take care of yourself.
@Miss Pez: Please delete his number, email address, de-friend him on all social media sites. It will be hard but I promise time will heal your wounds and it will get easier.
@Miss Pez: *HUGS* You need to cut off communication completely. Love yourself, you deserve it. If you need to beg a man to be with you, then he's not worth it because he's not smart enough to realize what he has.
Delete him from your phone so you aren't tempted to call. Block him from FB if he's on there you just HAVE to take the necessary steps if you MEAN what you say. You say you need God's help but the tools have already been given to you but it's up to YOU to use them. be strong!
@Miss Pez: This was me a few years ago.
Read the book "He's Just Not That Into You" - it helped me to realize that I needed to STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM. I know they made a movie about it which I think is quite different. Read the book. Seriously.
You need to cut off all contact.
And yes, it does get easier, and yes I can totally relate to that empty, used feeling.
Logically I think you know that you don't want to be with a wishy washy guy like this. You want to be with a man who loves you and treats you right.
I let my last mess of a relationship continue for FIVE years. Thank God I finally got out. You can too.
@Miss Pez: It'll be the hardest thing you'll do to make the decision to erase any way of communicating with him and vice versa. However, once you do it, I promise you WILL feel so much better. I've been through this and it was just so unspeakably hard to let go and cut all ties. Once I did, though, it was like a giant weight was lifted off my shoulders and I was ready to heal.
@throughthebarricades: +1 love that book it totally helped me (and therapy) get out of my shitty cat-n-mouse game I called a relationship!
When I first read this, I had in mind a very young guy that just doesn't have a clue. Then I read through some of your older posts and realized that this guy is almost 40 with kids!!! Now that I know that... RUN and RUN FAST! He is no good for you. A guy at that age with all that under his belt should know better by now. He's treating you like dirt and you don't deserve it! It's hard, I know, trust me, been there, but you CAN get away and move on with your life, you just have to decide to do so and then do it. Keep your chin up girl and BLOCK him out of your life!
@PonytailKim: +1 omg yes. The day I told him to never F-ing contact me again (and I blocked him from everything) was like a huge release. A weight had been lifted. But, not lie my head came out of the fog. It sounds outrageous, but I could see in color again. Literally, the sky was a brighter shade of blue than it had been during the relationship and just colors were more vibrant - literally. It was hard but so amazing and so worth it!
OP - you can't go on liek this forever. It's not healthy. It won't stop until you make it stop. Take control of your happiness and well being by cutting the contact. You are the only person in charge of your happiness. Only you can make the decisions that need to be made to get you through this. Love and value yourself more and treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated. It will be the most amazing feeling in the world once you do that - I promise.
And, once you give up the contact, you will heal and move on so much faster than you think you will. I dragged myself through the torture you're dragging yourself through for MONTHS after we broke up. It took me a matter of weeks to forget about him and be happy again once I cut the contact and deleted him from my life.
Thank you to everyone! The comments and encouragement really do help!
I know I need to delete him. And I have from evrything but Facebook. I know I need to. It is so hard to just let go. I need help. Not therapy help. I need to help myself. It would be somuch easier if we didnt work at the same place. I see his paperwork everyday. I work in payroll. If our friends were not the same friends. I need to move on. I want to move on. It is just so hard. My thoughts are of him. My heart is full for him. But I dont want it to be. I dont know how to move on.
@Miss Pez: oh hunny, I can feel your pain through this computer screen. He has allthe control and power tight now. Continue to pray becuase it is the only thing that will heal your heart. Do not allow him back ion he has proved that he is not worthy! stay strong we are here for you. Next time he text or calls you post here instead of replying!
Bite the bullet and just delete him... only you can help yourself.. if you dont do it you have no right to complain.. Im sorry to sound so harsh but this is what you have to do.
@Miss Pez: He said I pressured him into saying those things yesterday because I was crying and he didnt want to see me upset.
What a grade A douche. Really.
Ok, so it's like quitting drinking or smoking - just go for it and don't look back. Delete him from FB, from your email, from your phone. Have no contact. It's going to hurt for a while, but you'll move on. And the only way you can move on is if you get off of his emotional roller coaster.
Best wishes!
@relaxedabout it: +1000. He isn't going to change, and is just using you and playing for your emotions. Don't fall for it again!
I have been through something similar, where your feelings are so strong that you're blinded by what is actually going on. I would still consider him a D-bag but I also think that he might actually be really uncertain of what he wants. Either way he should at least spare you the kindness of giving you real space so he can figure his shit out instead of being so washy washy and playing with your emotions.
Break off all communication with him for at least a few months and I bet you you will be feeling much better to the point where you can go without talking to him without having to set a goal of x amount of time.
Put yourself first here, and stop catering to his every whim!
good luck!
@Miss Pez: You move on one day at a time. That's the only way.
It will suck. But it does get easier.
Distract yourself as much as you can. I did a lot of cooking and watching lots of DVDs of old 80s TV shows, and walks with my friend.
I felt a bit better once I realized that I was truly better off without him.
I wasn't ready to date for like a year afterwards. I took that time to get to know myself better and figure out what I could and could not compromise on.
Chile.......what you need is called a rebound guy. Fill your time with getting to know someone else. Maybe just as friends. Maybe as a crush.
@Miss Pez: Change his name in your phone to 'Do not answer', that way if he calls/messages, you have to think seriously about responding. If you feel weak, come back and look at this post. Nothing is worth feeling like this. He knows exactly what to tell you to get what he wants. You need to love yourself more than someone who would treat you like this.
You will get over him. You just need to avoid him in order to do so.
Wow, this guy sure knows how to lay it on thick, doesn't he? You've been given some excellent advice by the other bees that I hope you'll take--lose this guy's number because he's manipulating you and then taking advantage of you when you're vulnerable. What he did is truly vile and I'm so sorry he did this to you. Guys like him are heartless monsters and that's the nicest thing I can say about them. Since he supposedly can't make up his mind as to whether or not he wants to be with you, then make the decision FOR him and put a stop to all of this because you need to show yourself the respect that he's not giving you. Respect yourself enough to not allow this man to use you anymore, and then someday you will find a man who truly will love you as much as this man only claims to. Remember, if he truly loved you, he wouldn't hurt you like this and there would never be any question as to whether or not he wanted to be with you because he would never want to let you go. You deserve so much better than this creep and his head games. Please remember that. *hugs*
@relaxedabout it: +1. Don't forget to unfriend on FB too!
Also, don't buy into any of these excuses of his about how he supposedly didn't mean to tell you that he loved you and didn't mean to have sex with you. He knew perfectly damn well what he was doing the entire time and exactly how it would affect you. He was manipulating and he still is. Don't let him fool you into thinking otherwise for even one second. Manipulators like him always know precisely what they're doing because they plan it that way to get what they want and then try to get away with it with lame excuses like claiming he didn't know what he was doing or didn't mean for it to happen. It's a cop-out from having to take any responsibility for the emotional damage he inflicts on you when he plays these games. Don't let him get away with it anymore. Hold him responsible for hurting you and don't let him do it to you anymore.
sweetheart. You need to be strong and please don't let your emotions take control of your mind and body. Hes already hurt you enough and thats should stop here. You deserve someone better. Its ok to be heart broken and cry. U can cry as much as you want and it will take a while to get over him but its ok you can do it. We all go through this phase in life. Let everything out and let it heal and move on. You have a whole lot infront of you. Dont never put yourself down. A woman's worth is how much you value yourself and respect yourself. Try to go out with with friends or occupy yourself. Hes playing games with you because he knows he can manipulates you in anyways.. Think like hes not special and hes just another bump on your way and step on it and walk your way up..Stay strong and you will through this..Wish you the best..:) smiles..
Aww honey! 30 years ago I begged a boy too. I'm still embarrassed about it. But it DID get better, and I am so utterly blessed with my DH. God is actually really looking out for you, it's just hard for you to see that now. You will come out the other side better!
@Miss Pez: I was you just a few years ago. I was madly in love with someone I had to work with day in and day out. I thought he was perfect. Nothing was rushed and then all of a sudden be became wishy washy. We broke up and then he would beg me back. Just when I thought things were getting easier he would walk right back in the door and I would feel empty and used. One day I just couldnt do it anymore. I called my mom and told her how I was feeling and she said some things that I will never forget.
My moms points
1. Ask yourself what he is doing when he isnt with you? He isnt alone I can guarantee it. Because he is one of those guys who always has to have something going on. More that likely he called you because he was in between dates and he knew that because you loved him so much you would come running. He has you salivating like a dog for just a moment of his time. Thats rather arrogant dont you think? Gonna let him get away with it?
2. He doesnt really care about you. If he did care about you he wouldnt cause you so much pain. No one is so stupid as to not realize that they are hurting someone. He knows he is hurting you and he doesnt care. If he truly cared he wouldnt get your hopes up. Asshole isnt he? Would you knowingly hurt someone you loved?
3. Best way to get over one man is get under a new one...LOL yes my mother said this. She was talking about some sex. Sex is a good way to re affirm that you are attractive and wanted. Not by the douche bag of course but by someone else who finds you stunningly wonderful. I know it goes against everything most people believe in but sometimes some good old fashioned sex with a stud muffin can make you feel better.
4. If you keep him in your life you could possibly miss out on finding the real love of your life. Ever heard the saying, You cant see the forest for the trees. Well honey your staring right at the trees. Also when your in this kind of a mood you arent approachable. Your probably radiating sadness. Anyone in your situation would be.
5. Dont give yourself time to think. Go out and get a hobby, get a dog, get laid, lol something. Just dont sit around brooding over it. He isnt, he is probably out having the time of his life when he isnt calling you up and breaking your heart. Dont be available to him. Take a class, go out with friends, retail therapy is good. Best thing that I did? Boxing. Lets your rage and get it all out.
6. Strip him of his power over you, no one can take your control unless you give it to them.
This all comes from my mother. She is a wise woman. She got me through some bad relationships. Im sorry for what your going through.
You say you love him...do you? Or do you love the image of a man that you have built in your mind? Do you love the manipulative emotional abuser that he is or do you love the man that you think he could be?
And more importantly...do you love him or YOURSELF more?!?!
If you stay with him you will lose your soul...believe me...I've been there.
@Miss Pez: Trust your intuition. If he truly meant all those things before sex, then sex wouldn't have changed anything. It sounds like he did use you and, while that's incredibly hard and painful to hear, I say it because I hope the next time he gets weak and tries to manipulate you that you will remember how you felt, how you cried all the way home and that it will stop you from seeing him again.
To get back together with you then break up after he's "had you" is absolutely DESPICABLE. A decent man wouldn't play with someone's heart like that. It sounds like he doesn't have any respect for you and he knows the second he calls you'll come running. Break the cycle. The man PROMISED he would NEVER leave you and leaves you the next day. On a logical level can you see how wrong and cruel that is? It's great to hear you say that you WANT to move on. I think you know what's right but obviously that's easier said than done.
I don't usually recommend books but I REALLY think, "Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov will help you. It's about the only book I do suggest and I've given it to a few of my girlfriends when they are struggling in relationships or dating. It's an awesome book that gave me a whole new perspective from a man's perspective and it inspired me and gave me so much more confidence. Something clicked. I hope you get that same click and don't ever go back to this creep. It's a really easy read. I couldn't put it down.
I agree with other people that he's all about the chase. When he thinks you are moving on he pursues you and once he knows you're going to drop everything to see him and sleep with him then you're not a challenge anymore. The pursuit is over and he's bored. Every time you feel the urge to call him or respond to his text or facebook message just ignore it. Distract yourself. Call a girlfriend. Cook. Knit. Go out to dinner. You're going to get past this and look back on yourself and be proud of yourself for being so strong. Hang in there, love.
You absolutely need to cut him out of your life. Is there any chance you could start looking for another job? That would be the best solution, but if you can't do that, do NOT see him outside of work AT ALL. When you have to talk to him at work, keep it 100% business and pretend whatever you have to -- that he's basically a stranger who you've heard is really stinky and you need to keep your distance, whatever. Otherwise, do NOT reply if he calls or texts asking to see you, except for maybe once to say, "I don't want to talk to you anymore outside of work. Do not call or text me." And then DELETE DELETE DELETE.
You know it's the best thing. It's hard. But it will get easier every time, every day. You just have to get through this first hard part. Be honest, if when you get together you cry, and you go to bed with him you cry, and afterwards you feel empty and cry, is that the kind of life you want for yourself? That's not love, and it's not happiness. Give yourself the opportunity to have love and happiness with someone else!
I'm not going to offer advice, other people have done that. Instead, I'll answer your thread title. Why do you keep letting yourself be fooled? Because you loved him. You want that feeling and you like feeling wanted and needed. It is totally natural. Someday you'll feel that way with someone else, but for now, your head is fuzzy from a breakup and you just want comforting.
Listen to the advice, but don't be too hard on yourself.
@MrsWBS: Thank you. I would think by now I would realize that our whole relationship has been emotional abuse. Maybe not the whole 3 1/;2 years, but the majority of it has been an emotional rollercoaster. Some my fault, some his. But you said it correctly!
@jny1179: I have to agree with you. I even said that to him. How many relationships have you been in where you pictureed forever with someone? Or growing old with someone? Or have a person that wants all these things with you? He couldnt answer because he knows its the truth. I just feel ashamed of myself for knowing I begged him to be with me. For us to make a life together, the life we planned. If I had my ring that day with me, I would have thrown it at him!
@gsu02olliff: It's okay to be harsh with me, I can take it. You are absolutely right. How can I complain when I am the one in control of deleting him out of my life or not. I do want God's help, and I know I have to make the first step!
@MoonlightRose: "Remember, if he truly loved you, he wouldn't hurt you like this and there would never be any question as to whether or not he wanted to be with you because he would never want to let you go. You deserve so much better than this creep and his head games."
ITA. It's time for a serious NO CONTACT intervention. The next time he calls, texts, sends a carrier pigeon, whatever, you ignore him and immediately come here instead. We'll talk you down, right Bees?
Or if you feel the urge to contact him, contact us instead.
You had a set back, you will get past it. Let us help.
@MoonlightRose: SOrry, I got cut off on the last post.
But you are absolutely right! I want this for myself. I want to be with a guy who wants to be with me, I shouldnt have to fight so hard to be with someobody. It should come natural.
I have made some small changes the past couple days. I have deleted every picture of us, of him, off my phone. I had already done this when we broke up, with the exception of one or two pictures, but those are now gone. I deleted him off instagram as well as his daughters. I deleted all pictures of him and us, off my facebook, removed my name off his tags of pictures of me. I have deleted mutual friends. I deleted his family in Miami. I sent them messages of why I was doing so, to which they understood. I deleted a bunch of mutual friends, messages sent to them as well, they understood. The only thing I have not done, it delete him. Why is this so difficult to do, especially after this weeks crap? Is it because I still care? I want to see what he is doing? I want maybe in a smidge amount, for him to see what I am doiong, how I am going to move on, see me smiling, see me with someone else one day? Why is this task so hard???
@TexasSpringBride: I need to call your mother! Love it! My mom has really been there for me this week. I told her everything. She was shocked that I lethim even touch me. I told her, I thought things would be different, that I now feel so used and cheap. The funny thing is, my mom said to me.... I'm glad it happened (repectfully), now maybe you can be angry at him and move on. As right as I want her to be, I am not mad at him yet. I just feel so used and ashamed right now. I should be angry at him, and if it were any of my friends, I would be mad for them. But I am not mad.
@ClassicStarlight: I should have listened to my instinct and never went. I should have listened to that gut feeling. I did this to myself and I am ashamed of that. And the fact that I kept telling him to be with me when he said he was confused and wanted to be alone. That, I should have never have done. I should never ever beg someone to be with me. I deserve better than that! I know that!
@MrsFutureG: Thank you so much! I really do love him, but I dont want to anymore. I know he is poison for me. There are good relationships, and there are bad. I know he is bad for me. And maybe I am bad for him. I can't help butbe hard on myself, after all, I am my own worst critic. I should have listened to my heart instead of side swipping myself. I can't go back, and I don't want to anymore. That was definitely proven to me this week.
@sassy411: Thank you! Some times I wonder if I should even post on here how I am feeling, but if I don't reach out for help or get advice from others, how will I know. I know I was treated like crap, and I appreciate all the lovely comments as well as the harshness from others. I may post again, so I hope no one gets tired of feeding me with tough love until I can move on. Maybe even one day, I will be able to talk about love on here and be planning a wedding and a life with someone who loves me endlessly!
@Miss Pez: I've been there, I totally understand what you're going through and how hard it is. You'll get past it though, I promise! Eventually you'll get tired of this (if you aren't already) and you'll take your stand. Lord knows I messed up tons of times along the way in finally getting past it!
Everytime you let him back in you're going to have to start at ground zero again, and all that hard work was wasted away. For me, I could be strong for like 2 weeks, then I'd let him back. You just have to realize when your weak point is and push trhough it for a few days. Then, you'll be in the clear!!! Bad habits are hard to break - and he's one big old bad habit!
Just saw your update that you've deleted him from everythign but facebook - I did the EXACT same thing! But you're still holding on even if you try and tell yourself and everyone else you aren't and you can handle it. The facebook deletion was the hardest thing to do for whatever reason, but it makes ALL the difference in the world! Delete him and BLOCK him! In a few days, you'll forget he even exists! Seriously, my ex is still blocked on my facebook - I don't want that creep being able to check up on ME now, not the other way around!
Read some inspirational stories about being a strong, independent woman to get you all amped up about moving on to bigger and BETTER thigns in life, then go delete him! It will feel SOOOOOOOO good! Then, of course, reward yourself after with a good piece of cake or new shoes or something!!
so sorry you're going through this. i know it's hard and i can relate...i completely agree with PP who commented that "eventually you'll get tired of this"...just know that sometimes you cycle through this behavior/pattern a few times (in my case, it was like a dozen...but i had a lot of issues i hadn't quite worked through and so i had no insight whatsoever as to what i was doing and why) before you completely close and lock the door and move on. i wish you all the best...
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