Why do I never crave sex?

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
5208 posts
Bee Keeper

peachykeen844:  I think you should talk to your OBGYN about this. Things like age and medications can have an effect on sex drive. Some hormone imbalances can too.

Post # 3
918 posts
Busy bee

There are many medications that lower libido (including, ironically, hormonal contraceptives).  There are also a number of common medical conditions that lower libido, such as depression and thyroid disorders.  Would you feel comfortable talking to your family doctor about this?  Low libido is not always the result of medications or medical conditions, but it often is, so talking to your doctor is a good place to start.  And if you’re not comfortable talking to them about this, then I’d recommend finding a new family doctor.

Post # 4
165 posts
Blushing bee

I’m on the same boat! I used to masturbate up to 7 times a day and have been masturbating since I was 4.. For the past few months I’ve been so uninterested & my bf is so confused. I am too! I just don’t care for it. 

Post # 6
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Aug 30th, 2014

Check your meds and make sure there aren’t any other conditions – eg anxiety, depression – that can be contributing. Hormonal birth control is a common culprit. 

Some folks just don’t have a high sex drive, though. You can’t force what isn’t there, even if you know what works for you and what doesn’t. 

Post # 7
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I’m not a sex professional, doctor, or therapist. And although you can speak with your OBGYN about this issue, I don’t want to jump to any conclusions or let anyone tell you there is “something wrong with you”.

My sexual drive comes in waves. It has nothing to do with imbalances, or hormones, etc. It just depends how I’m feeling that week, month, or whatever.

My only thought is that if you’re having sex every day, that could be a major contributor. It’s sounding like it’s a “must do” or something is wrong if you guys don’t. Maybe talk to your fiance about why it bothers him if you don’t have it every night or if you miss it a few nights more than a week at a time.

Intimacy with a partner isn’t only derived from sexual intercourse, and I think a lot of people don’t understand that.

Comparing sex to a chore, I’m not surprised that you’re drive is feeling a bit low. Who is excited to do the laundry or sweep the floor? HAHA. I just don’t want you to feel like you’re alone here. My fiance and I don’t have sex every night, and sometimes even a week goes by without it, and that’s totally ok. Sometimes it’s nice to take a little break, and spice it up a little when you do make time for it. Sex everyday might sound great, but it can make things a bit mundane if it’s just expected to happen. It doesn’t leave any room for surprise.

Post # 8
2698 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

peachykeen844:  I thionk he’s made sex a chore and isn’t giving you a chance to want it.

Post # 9
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I second checking whether any medications your taking or other conditions could be contributing to this. Are you taking birth control? Did you have a higher sex drive in the past (ie is this a semi-recent development) or have you always had a lower sex drive?

I was taking the pill for about 2 years, and during that time my sex drive plummeted. I NEVER was interested in sex, I couldn’t get into it (except like once a month, like you), and even though I enjoyed sex, it just wasn’t something I wanted to put forth the effort to do. I was just meh about the whole thing. I stopped taking the pill because I noticed it was really affecting my moods, and within 2-3 months my sex drive was pretty much back to normal. I’m a lot like you, where I don’t feel “unfulfilled” because I just don’t have the drive or craving. the trick is to “create” that craving yourself (which I’ll go into below), and don’t feel bad that it isn’t a natural occurence.

While reading your post, one thing I noticed is it seems like your mind isn’t getting into sex (at least, as much as it could be), which could be affecting your drive (why bother?) and is definitely affecting your attention span. We girls don’t need to be physically turned on as much as we need to be turned on mentally. For me, the problem is definitely getting my mind into it… once my brain is turned on, my body just follows, but not the other way around. Nothing happens unless my brain is into sex lol. This may be a starting point for you to work on. Figure out what gets you mentally turned on, thinking about certain things, fantasies, etc. I have certain scenarios and fantasies that are really effective at turning me on, others not so much. 

This may be TMI, but it may help. One tip that has worked really well for me is if I know my FI will want to have sexy times later, I “prime” myself by watching porn. Doing that helps get me into the mood easier later because I can bring those visuals to mind (like I fantasize during sex, and I go back and forth between that fantasy and whats actually happening). Also, I watch a few videos, that way when the visual in my mind from the first becomes “boring”, I have a few other visuals that will keep my brain interested 🙂

Also, one thing to help with the short sexual attention span might be to have your FI change positions often enough to keep your interest, or have your FI be “dominant” – enough so that you aren’t in charge, and you have to stay on your toes (this works for me). Otherwise, you could become dominant, and you have to be in charge – taking that responsibility may keep your mind focused on the task at hand 🙂 

Good luck, OP!

EDIT: also, I think that having sex everyday puts unneeded pressure on you. Maybe snuggling can fulfill your FI need for intimacy while increasing the emotional connection in your relationship. Perhaps seeking the advice from a sex or relationship therapist can address your FI need for sex everyday (if its purely sexual drive, he could masturbate in the shower to take the pressure off) and come up with other exercises or ideas for you.

Post # 11
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Ah ok. Well, maybe look into some articles or books that talk about couples who have different sex drives and ways to work around that.

Also, have you ever seen those calendars that have a position a day or something like that? I know it sounds cheesy, but maybe you guys get one of those and it’ll help add a little bit of spice to it? You can try a new position together, or new move each day, and that will break up the feeling of routine. Just an idea!

But, it sounds like you guys are comfortable talking about sex, that’s definitely great. As much as you seem to be catering to his high sexual drive, I think it’s also important that he compromises on your end.

Post # 13
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I know when I stopped the pill my sex drive increased quite a bit! I feel like a different person now. Having sex every day may not help either. Distance does make the heart grow fonder! I went to a wedding last weekend without my FI, and when I came over after days without seeing him, well the sex was very good! Sex isn’t a chore or something you have to do. It should be something you want to do with each other because you love them and want to be with them. You might miss the sex and really want it if you don’t have it for a few days. Just my two cents. 🙂

Post # 14
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My DH are in this same situation but roles are reversed. Although I don’t have quite as high of a sex drive as your FI. Once a day would be a lot for me! Anyways, we went to a therapist who specializes in sexual relationships. We actually just stopped seeing her because we have been doing very well lately. I would highly recommend seeking out professional help to help you two work through your differences and find common ground. it’s been a huge game changer for us. 

Post # 15
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

peachykeen844:  Haven’t read other replies, so maybe I’m repeating what others have said.

You say you don’t see your FI a lot but that you love cuddling and kissing. Maybe what you’re missing is intimacy? A lot of women are turned on by feeling sexually desired for who they are, not just because they can provide sex (cause then – you could be any woman to the man). You want your partner to have sex with you because you’re you, not just cause they want to have sex. It sounds like your FI expects you to have sex all the time, but does not realize that part of a sex life is intimacy. Maybe tell him that if he wants a QUALITY sex life, not a high-quantity sex life, he needs to provide for your “sexual” needs as well, and those very well may be emotional. 10 minutes of bad sex that ends with the guy orgasming wouldn’t get anyone excited about frequent sex!!

I read that somewhere that people who are less interested in sex are actually the MORE sexual/romantic person. They KNOW what good sex SHOULD be and they know they aren’t having it.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  Syzygy88.
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