Post # 1
I’ve had a very frustrating friend year. All of the new people I have met and attempted to connect with have turned out to be incredibly flaky – not following up with plans, cancelling plans, flat out just not showing up. In the last year I have experienced this with 3 different people, people I felt a connection to, but they just didn’t hold up their end of the friendship!!
To make things worst my best friend (of 12 years) has become really unreliable. She started dating someone new and it’s like she disappeared. I didn’t say anything for a few months because the relationship was new and I understood she was just caught up in it, but it’s been a year and a half and it hasn’t gotten any better. I’ve had several heart to hearts with her and nothing has changed. Now I’m moving and honestly fear our friendship will fade away.
I’m starting to think it’s me!! Is it something I project to people? Do they just assume they can let me down because I’m nice and wont say anything? Do they just assume I’ll always be there? Do I pick the wrong people? As I said, I’m moving and I’m worried I wont meet anyone and I don’t know what to do about it. I plan on joining clubs, finding a part time job (just so I can meet peopel!!) and I’ll be starting classes in the spring. I feel like I do a good job putting myself out there, but nothing really comes of it. Any advice/comments are incredibly appreciated!
Post # 2
I can relate to what you are going through, honestly. I have had issues with newer friendships as well. 1 friend, specifically stabbed me in the back & damaged several relationships because of it. My cousin, who ive been very close with since she was born, did something absolutely horrible to me & our relationship perished. Also, my best friend of 15 years completely bailed on me with my wedding. She was going to be my maid of honor & my sister was going to be my matron of honor. The very day that their dress orders were due into the boutique, she told me she didn’t want to be in my wedding anymore because we haven’t seen each other much. Well, her boyfriend bought a condo in Florida & she spent the past winter there, so how was I supposed to see her. She never responded to any of my attempts to reach out to her for her address either to send an invitation for her to at least be a guest at my wedding. It’s been a very very difficult year for me as well, with friendships. I often pondered if it was me…you can’t help but think that. It’s the only common denominator. But I know in my heart that I am as loyal of a friend as loyal can come.
You’re not alone. I’m sorry that someone else has been through similar turmoil that I have been.
I’ve been approaching possible new friendships with EXTREME trepidation. I’m terrified. A couple of the wives of my husband’s good friends have reached out & wanted to do something. I can’t help but decline. I couldn’t live with myself if yet another friendship goes south & in turn, creates issues or distance in my husband’s friendships.
The one friend that stabbed me in the back was my husband’s first cousin. We were very close for 3 years. One day, not too long ago, she told members of his family, including his parents, things that I have vented to her about in the past. I was completely caught off guard. . .it’s not like we were arguing & she was just immature & needed retaliation. It destroyed me & my flawless relationship with his parents, & other family members. Things still aren’t back to normal. The relationships are still damaged. I don’t know if I will ever know why she did that to me…nor do I care why. No reason in my book justifies what she did. I most certainly did NOT deserve it.
I hope things get better for you. Again, I’m sorry that you’ve experienced those things. It can be very difficult to even want to trust people again, ya know? !
Post # 3
ImaStarr: How old are you? I found that as I got older making good friends was really hard. 20’s I made some ‘hang-out’ friends, but nothing rock solid. (A very few I have found on FB (no FB back then) and friended, but no reaching out for more) In my 30’s, nothing. Everyone is so busy being married, advancing their careers and having babies. In my 40’s I’ve been very lucky to find 2 new very close friends, but only because we met through out husbands.
Keep putting yourself out there and dont take it personally.
Post # 4
KoiKove: I’m 25. I hope that doesn’t mean it will only get worst 🙁
Peanut-Sue: That sounds terrible. I do know! It’s like why bother?
Post # 5
ImaStarr: I hate to say it, but it does get worse. It’s not that you wont find more firends, it’s that it much, much harder to make them. You are doing all the right things to find people of like mind. You’ll just have to be more proactive about asking people to hang out afterwards then slowly start to ask if they want to do activities outside of where you met them.
Also, understand that most friendships arent meant to last a lifetime. Most friendships last a few years, then you move on. Dont take offense by that, it’s just the nature of friends. Be happy when you have them in your life and dont try to hang on to them like your life depends on it.
Post # 6
ImaStarr: You can’t expect much from new faces.
It is commendable that you treat everyone with the respect that you would wish from them, but, as nice as you are, many people have priorities that come before someone they have just met.
Maybe you need to take it slower. I guess you are looking for a new best friend – sure, you have room in your life to ‘be’ a friend, but at this stage you must not expect anything in return. Others do not always have room for a new friend, or need time to trust acquaintances. They do not all wear their hearts on their sleeves.
You could try to be less open at first. Don’t reveal everything about yourself so that there is nothing to discover. Rather concentrate on seeking out fun and others will want to share in that joy. Top priority! Laughter and fun will bond strangers to you quickly.
Things will perk up after you move and good things will start to happen. You’ll definitely meet like-minded people.
Post # 7
ImaStarr: Perhaps you’re coming off as over-eager? In my experience, people prefer slow and casual friendships rather than always making plans. When you say you’ve had several heart to heart conversations with your best friend about how she’s neglecting you, it makes me think she might have gotten tired of that and just withdrew from the friendship. People grow up and change and just because you aren’t at that stage doesn’t mean she should hang back and do everything you guys used to do before she got into a relationship.
Post # 8
spiffanee: I don’t think I’m overeager with new friends, but maybe? I think my problem is I’m too nice when people cancel on me so then they think they can do it over and over again without me getting upset (and it’s really not a big deal the first couple of times!) but when it keeps happening it’s incredibly frustrating.
With regards to my best friend, this has been going on for the last year and a half and in that time I’ve had two serious conversations with her, they were about a year apart. I’ve really tried to be understanding, but unfortunately she’s changed and has stopped making much of an effort. It’s not just with me either, other friends have noted it too. I think I experience the worst of it because we live in the same town. I can literally count the number of times I’ve hung out with her fiance and I’ve only seen him twice since January – we live 5 minutes away from one another! They spend time with his friends/family, but not hers. They broke up for about a week and during that time she said she hated that he only wanted to do things with his friends/family and that she missed hers, when they got back together he swore that would change – it hasn’t. Oh well, I’m just venting now!
Post # 9
My husband thinks it’s the type of people I draw in. For some reason people with a lot going on feel comfortable opening up to me, so we bond quickly, but then they have so much to deal with in their lives that they’re bad at following through with plans (or maybe I’m just making excuses for them, I don’t know) And I understand that everyone has a lot to deal with, but why make plans only to cancel them?? Why not just be straight forward?
Post # 10
People used to walk all over me when I was younger. This is because I was very timid and too kind to those who just wanted to use me. You teach people how to treat you.
When I noticed that I was attracting needy people who were selfish and disrespectful, I started to become more selective about who I had in my life. I also began to stand up for myself. This cost me some friendships but that’s okay.
Have you ever heard of Meetup.com? Perhaps you can join a group and make some friends based on common interests.
Post # 11
ImaStarr: I don’t know how old you are, but I am going to assume that you are around my age (27) or at least in a similar phase of life to me given both of our presences on this site. If not, then I suppose none of my comments will be relevant, lol.
I honestly think it’s the phase of life that we’re in. When I was in high school and even through most of university and graduate school, I had more time for friends. They were a bigger priority in my life than they are now.
Given the new demands on my time – partner, career, taking care of a household, having to workout more to stay fit – I don’t have the same priorities that I did even 5 years ago. That said, I don’t make plans I can’t keep. But I do have less time to make plans.
I wouldn’t blame yourself or assume you are an asshole magnet. I think your story is a common thread among twenty-somethings. It’s sad but friendships either evolve or they end (at least that’s been my experience). I take quality over quantity now.
Post # 12
KoiKove: See, Darling Husband I have found the exact opposite. In our early and mid, single 20s, we did both have a lot of friends. However, very few of the relationships actually had any real substance and barely any survived the evolution of weddings, moving, career-changes and babies. Most of them were always really flakey and superficial friendships, like you said OP. We both either electively or inevitably distanced ourselves from those people as our relationship progressed.
On the contrary, since meeting Darling Husband, him and I have formed an awesome group of friends (mostly married couples) since than, who have been nothing short of amazing. We are definitely much more selective in the people we surround ourselves with, and believe firmly in quality over quantity. However, we are constantly talking about how we are fortunate we are to have people around that would give the shirts of their backs and vice-versa.
We have been in (and helped plan) eachother’s weddings, travelled to different countries together, been Godparents for their kids, helped move and renovate eachother’s homes, hosted bridal showers and baby showers, babysat (kids and pets), helped find eachother new jobs… You name it. And the best part? It goes both ways! No one way streets here. If we need something, we know we have help. And, so do they. Those are the things that I never had in my less mature friendships. Sure, plans don’t always work out at times or we may go a couple of weeks without talking, but no one has any hard feelings because we are all in the same place in our lives and understand.
Post # 13
ImaStarr: I’m sorry you are going through this. Friendships aren’t one sided and there are good people out there but it doesn’t sound like you have met them yet. I hope you have a better experience after you move. I have kept the same friends for years but am okay with it since most people suck. I had a very hard time accepting letting go of some flakey friends. The weird thing is that after I stopped putting effort into these friendships- the people would actually come around and try to catch up. I think my idea of friendship was different than their idea of friendship. I do not believe they thought anything of their behaviors even though I was upset about not getting a response when I contacted them. I kind of decided to accept that this was how the friendship was with them and that helped a ton!!! I hope things get better for you