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I was very judgemental right before we got married. Mainly b/c I was taking notes on what I did or did not want for my wedding. I noticed that dinner took way too long at one particular wedding and thought how I would never do that to my guests. Then, at another, they put us at a table with people we didn't know at all over a table with friends.
I think that once your own wedding is over, and you realize how much you spend and what was or wasn't worth it, you give other brides a break. You're supposed to be there to celebrate the couple, their marriage and their love for one another. As long as they are happy, I'm happy now!
I think that it is human nature to want to compare everything. People make themselves feel good by critiquing stuff that is none of their business. It's not nice or cool, but they do it anyway.
I know I may not be the norm, but I honestly remember very few details about the weddings I have attended. I really didn't notice details until I became engaged, I only remember 1 or 2 centerpieces and I couldn't tell you about any of the flowers.
The reason I judge is b/c I'm 'forced' to spend all day and night in an atmosphere completely out of my control. And it's usually a Saturday. So partially I have nothing better to do. But the 'judgy' side of me comes out mostly when I'm inconvenienced, like waiting ALL DAY between the ceremony and reception or driving really far from one to the other or not fed for a really long time. I get grouchy..
Flowers, linens, bm dresses I very rarely comment on unless they're hilariously bad.
I think we judge weddings for the same reason we judge anything else: we're all just a little bit insecure. A wedding incorporates or relates to almost every single important part of our lives - money, family, personal taste, clothing, friendship... One of those things is bound to push a button in most people.
I don't know, but I think it's really sad. I can honestly say I've never been to a wedding and judged it. I had fun or I didn't, but I didn't go all bitchcakes on their songs or centerpieces or venue. Makes me sad that people do that. :(
I will raise my hand in shame and say that I used to be one of those people. I judged. A lot. Which is weird because I had never even been to a wedding at that point in my life. I would hear details and say, "Ew!" Not anymore though. I think some of it largely has to do with maturity (once you're older and more mature, you tend to just accept things as they are regardless) and part of it is just your overall personality (chances are, if you judge weddings, you judge almost everything else about someone else's lifestyle).
Weddings are also touchy to begin with. They bring out emotions in people you didn't think existed. Especially with family members. I think also, it's a once-in-a-lifetime thing, so people will tend to think, "This is their WEDDING, not just a regular party, WHy would they do it THAT way?!"
I'm SO much better than I used to be. Now I love weird, quirky weddings because they have the most personality. There are still some things I have opinions on, but I keep my mouth shut :)
Well, say in comparison a funeral, people spend equally as much money on those. Well, I guess more important things are on the forefront (like death!) but I don't go to a funeral and go "she isn't burying him in Ralph Lauren? How tacky!"
@layla - I get sad too, but I should have clarified that I didn't let the bride and groom know that I didn't like certain things about their wedding. I think I just made a conscious effort to make sure that my wedding didn't have what they had...know what I mean?
I do get sad though when it's things like making fun of a brides' choices b/c they're not the taste of everyone else's. I've been to weddings of all shapes and sizes, and I think it's the company you're with that makes them fun.
I'm with 2Peas - I am also taking notes on what to do or not to do. And I'm more judgmental about the logistics than about matters of taste. For example, if I don't like a bride's dress or the flowers, I really don't even think about it.
But I've been to several weddings where they were just poorly planned. Like 2Peas, I've been to a wedding where we waited FOREVER for food, and we were starving.
And I've been to a wedding that wasn't wheelchair accessible but the groom's brother had been wheelchair-bound since birth (he had to get carried up a narrow staircase and it was humiliating for him).
And I've been to a wedding where the dancing was in a separate room from the eating. In the dancing room, there were NO tables or chairs. More room for dancing, yes, but I spent the entire night teetering in my painful heels, juggling my clutch and my drink, because there was noplace to sit or to set anything down.
So, I try not to judge weddings on aesthetics. But I do judge them on logistics, only because I want my guests to be as comfortable as possible.
I agree that it's just human nature to a point and not one of us can say we've never done it-- weddings, clothing, whatever! I also agree it comes out of insecurities. We all have them. All you can do is try to be the best person you can be and remember the golden rules. The school I grew up in used to use these words to live by-- be gentle, generous, truthful, kind, and brave. Definitely don't succeed all the time but as long as you try!
EDIT: And in terms of wedding... I'm with a lot of you... I don't think it's a nasty judgement more of trying to improve something to your tastes and your guests tastes. Once we're outta this wedding planning madness... I'm sure it will stop just like we didn't do it before... but who I am kidding, I'm guilty too!
I think there is a lot of truth to what moderdaisy said.
I also think flow has a lot to do with it. I've attended weddings that flowed really nicely, and there wasn't room to judge. Maybe I didn't particularly like the cake or the linens, but as I spent most time talking and visiting and dancing, who cares?
When you wait 20 minutes at the bar, then an hour for the couple to show, then 45 for the salad, then just stand around after dinner before dancing...there is time to judge!
I personally think the flow of the event is one of the least thought about parts, and is SO CRUCIAL.
I try, try, try not to judge..... but man my family judges EVERYTHING and sometimes you can't help but get caught up in it. Unfortunately in my old school Italian family the weddings are competitions of which cousin can top the other. It's really sad and I know that they will all probly judge mine because it will be very "simple" in comparison. It is sad though :(
Judging isn't innately bad, I don't think. It's one of those ways that we collectively decide what is and isn't okay when it comes to how we treat one another. There is such a thing as being too permissive, and I don't think it's the worst thing in the world for a person to be told that his or her behavior is, for example, wildly inconsiderate.
I will raise my hand. The only wedding I think I made an actual judgement about was FI's cousin - they spent somewhere around 30k and I remember thinking God that's ridiculous for a buffet. Then I started planning my own wedding and I found out about Bridal tax vs DIY. LOL - you calm down about judgements when you have been through it yourself.
I think at the point that it inconveniences guests beyond reason, it's ok to think, "God, this kind of sucks." Sure, there are things beyond the bride/groom's control, but there are weddings that are just plain BAD--not feeding guests, not having adequate bathroom facilities, screaming and crying during the reception.
Not sure why people judge weddings, but i have to cop to being a teensy bit judge-y before I had a wedding and when my friends were first starting to get married. that being said, whatever criticism I might have had has always been totally subsumed by the love and support and warm fuzzies I've felt about the couple--you know, the reason why there is a wedding at all!
my mom sister and aunt are "judgers" they make events like weddings, parties and even funerals spectator sports. they judge everything from the flowers to the food to the outfits. and they make a point to strive to dress better than anyone else at the party.
i strive to not be like them at all.
for my wedding its been hard because there are several family weddings this year, and im NOTHING like the other girls, and im also not a "crowd pleaser" and do what i want not what others think i should do.
early on it caused fights between us all because they literally called what i wanted trashy and ghetto.
i honestly dont judge - unless theres no alcohol available and its not for religious reasons. then i judge and pout LOL
but yeah i figure if you dont pay for it, then you really shouldnt judge.... kinda like if you didnt vote, you shouldnt complain.....
To play devil's advocate for a moment - then why do we spend so much time obsessing over wedding details and planning everything to what we think is perfection if we don't want anyone to notice/care/remember our weddings? There are two sides to the judging coin. So basically if people judge your wedding in a positive light, that's fine, but judging it in a negative light is not fine?
My opinion: I think everyday, everyone judges something. So when you have a wedding, it is a GREAT place for people to judge, there is just so much TOO judge!
A lot of really good points here. I actually don't find myself judging other people's weddings. I really feel like there is something for everyone, and "to each his own!" I have been to so many (really different) weddings. I've never even thought twice about why they had or chose certain things. As a guest, you are there to celebrate the marriage of two people. That's all. It's the couple's day to do whatever they want with! Who am I to think it's not good enough or done right just because it may be different than what I would want? I've always had a great time at the weddings I've been to. I hope my guests feel the same way on my day! :)
I think it's because we're always comparing or looking at what could have been better. Now as I go through this, I will definitely be a lot easier going with the judgement calls.
I actually don't feel like I judge other peoples' weddings unless there is just something so unavoidably inconvenient - like the wedding I went to with no vegetarian food whatsoever even though they knew multiple vegetarians were coming. Stylistically speaking, I think each wedding is really unique to the couple.
I think we naturally judge people, events, etc and it's not necessarily a bad thing. Everyone has opinions; some are kind, some are more negative. I completely agree with Kittyachi. Why should we be allowed to say "What a gorgeous dress!" "What a beautiful centerpiece" etc, but not "That dress is inappropriate for a wedding" or "What a tacky centerpiece." Compliments wouldn't mean very much if negative opinions didn't exist!
@Kittyachi: I want my wedding details to be the way I want them because they are a reflection of me that I want to see around me - like the color yellow that just about makes me giddy. Or the way a silver mint julip cup can look with some white hydrangeas in candlelight. Maybe I'm just a super visual person, though.
I don't usually notice the details, etc, but I just hate when I feel like I've given a lot of time & effort to attend a wedding and I feel like they haven't really done anything to make me have fun. I've only REALLY judged one wedding:
Invited to church wedding with reception immediately to follow. Bought gift, showed up, was asked my name and was redirected to an "overflow" bungalow where we watched the ceremony on a TV sitting in rows of chairs. It wasn't decorated, but that didn't bug me -- I felt totally rejected! Then afterwards there was wedding cake and lemonade on the church lawn. I was already grumpy over the wedding so yeah I was judgy about that... felt like it was really cheap. And there wasn't enough cake to go around! Then, we never got a thank you note for the gift we brought.
I mean, they obviously didn't have a big wedding budget, which is TOTALLY FINE -- but then they went and invited over 100 people, way more than they could even accomodate, and the whole thing just felt 100% like a gift grab to me.
I'm kinda like Layabelle in that I either have fun at them or not. I do notice the food and if they have it to where the guests enjoy it.
I mean, you don't have to spend a ton on a wedding to make sure people have fun at it you know?
What is important to me is having a wedding where there's 1)fun, 2)great food 3)upbeat atmosphere and 4)more fun!
A little cool entertainment is fun also.
I'm 40. Know it takes alot of time and effort to put together a wedding, and that it's not all fun and games in some of the planning so I usually do try to give a bride a break.
Give me a good time, a great piece of wedding cake, some fun, sparkling convo, and a few laughs? I'm good. :)
I think the short answer is the generally speaking, people have a tendency to run things against their own personal tastes and measure them up.
In terms of a long answer, I think most of the PP's nailed it!
This is a great, interesting topic...thanks for posting it!
@Marinara: That's definitely an instance where I think it's ok to judge. That was SO rude of the bride and DEFINITELY sounded like a "gift grab" How selfish!
Judging the brides choice of details is rude IMO it's her wedding! If you don't like it keep it to yourself! She's feeding and entertaining you on HER special day. It's not all about the guest!
I'm happy to see you girls don't do that! I know some of the older guests at my wedding will, but I don't care :)
We're judgemental creatures and we make judments all the time. We can not live without making a judgement. You made a Judgement call that your husband was a good guy when you started dating him. I made the judgement call that my lounge pants were cute when I bought them, and when I put them on tonight I made a judgement call that I didn't want to get back out in the rain. It's just natural to judge on the smallest things to the largest. Everytime we say "that's ugly/pretty" we're making a judgement on that item. Weddings are judged pretty harshly because they've been a social standing for a very long time and they continue to be so. I mean I can't have Ivanka Trumps wedding because I have no social standing. Same reason why white became popular. The more white a garment was the more money the womans family had, so they could A) afford a white wedding dress that had been bleached B) could continue to bleach the white garment. We judge out of nature on everything. We judge weddings more harshly because you only have one (or are supposed to in a perfect world) and you don't go to a wedding every weekend. We judge even harder when we're B2B because we're looking for things we want for our own wedding, so someone else can sit at a table and smile while thinking that our caterer made the chicken a little to seasoned and the cake didn't have enough taste.
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We all do it. Even if we don't want to. So why do people think it is okay to judge another's commitment to love one another? The centerpieces, the hair, the cake? We spend a lot of money on weddings. If people are going to judge a wedding, I would like to know why they do? What do you ladies think?