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I've seen a number of posts on this and it really got me a little heated up, so I had to start this...
I don't get why people say "oh you're too young, you need to experience life, you'll miss out!" I just don't get it! I already have to pay bills, rent an apartment, go to school, get a job.... so it's not exactly like I can just go wild and crazy, travel around the world, go partying every night, etc because I just don't have the money to do that! If anything being married will ease my finances because I'll have a double income, help on all of my bills, and tax relief!
Oh... and what on earth makes them think that I'm going to be missing out on anything just because I can now experience everything with the man I love???
Gah!
because we're older and we obviously know better. 
Lol. Because everyone is convinced that they know best. :) Don't let it bother you so much. Just let them know you are confident in your decision or you wouldn't be making it, and it's none of their business what your age is.
I'm 19 and got married this past June. I have no idea why people say that...so would they feel better if I got drunk a few times THEN got married? If we've found the person we love and want to be with, why waste time just to get a few stranger's approval? It's ridiculous!
Oh... and what on earth makes them think that I'm going to be missing out on anything just because I can now experience everything with the man I love???
Ask them that, next time somebody tells you you're too young. I'd be curious to see what the response is :P
I think it's probably just because they cannot imagine being at that stage in their lives when they were your age. I would never say anything to anyone about their life choices, but I certainly think I was not ready for that kind of commitment in my late teens/early twenties. It's more of a commentary on where we were than your decision, if that makes sense.
I think it's because maybe they weren't ready to get married in their early to mid twenties. Which is fine, but it doesn't mean you aren't or you're going to miss out on anything. I think it's odd to make a judgement call about you without knowing you or your FI. I'm 22 and my FI is 21 and neither one of us have gotten comments about being young probably just because neither one of us does those things we might miss out on. For the most part we've already done them and don't care to anymore. I don't understand why people say you need to travel the world by yourself. FI and I plan to go to Thailand a year after we get married. I would've never chose to go there if it weren't for FH. I also understand about it easing finances. Since my FI and I have moved in together it's been a lot easier to get by. So yeah I don't really get it either, but I feel ya on that one.
i dont think i could experience much more without getting in trouble haha. those days are behind me.
People are ready for different things at different times in their lives. I was engaged at 19 and married at 21. I will have 2 kids by the time I am 22. I know alot of people who don't know me would think that I'm crazy but the people who do know me, know that I am very ready for this at this point in my life. Every life is different. Not everyones life runs on the same timeline.
Just remember that the reason your getting married now is because you just couldn't imagine waiting any longer. Just like for those who wait to get married couldn't of imagined doing it any sooner.
I think a couple of bees nailed it when they said us older gals knew we weren't ready to get married that young..and realize that now that we're older. So, I guess that's one thing we have that you dont...hindsight. We can look back and say we weren't ready at that age...you can't because you aren't our age yet. Does that make sense?
With that said, I think it's different for everyone. I was EXTREMELY independent at 18. Put myself through college, worked a crapload to support myself in college, graduated early, and landed a career right out of college. I wanted to make sure I could support/depend on myself before I let anyone into my life. My sister, unlike me, chose to get married very early. And you know what? We're both extremely happy with our choices. While I knew I'd be miserable to settle down so young, my sister knew she'd be miserable if she waited forever like me to get married. lol My parents were married at 18 & 19 and are still happy after 33 years.
I would try not to get bent out of shape. Every one is entitled to their opinion. Just try to grin and bear it and prove to them that you are ready to get married.
I think people who marry early miss out on the social freedom, but not as much the life experiences (for example, i'm traveling through Asia with my husband for 6-7 months this year, so i'm definitely not missing out on seeing the world!). However, because i'm married, i'm obviously not free to date around/experience as many random social opportunities that could be rich and valuable. Also, people who marry younger tend to have children younger, which definitely ties you down. I'm 27, and traveled the world, moved cross country, did grad school, etc all before I met my now husband. We want to continue the adventure, and the learning together, and are waiting to have kids to make sure that happens.
I agree that it's different for each person. My parents were married at 19 and it was a good thing for them (they are still married and just celebrated their 36th wedding anniversary!) I can understand, however, why people might say people in their early 20's are "too young." I am 33 and know how much I grew and changed in my 20's and I'm sure it's the same for most of us "older" brides. For me, that time was so valuable to grow into the woman I am now and I know that, by being single, I got to experience a lot of things and explore a lot of interests better than I may have been able to do had I been married and all of those things helped me to clarify both who I wanted to be and the type of man I wanted to be with. However, if I had met the love of my life at age 21, I may have chosen to get married and that could've also been a really great path for me. Another point to consider is that a lot of men change a lot in their 20's. Both my mom and a marriage counselor I knew advised I wait until a man passed the age of 27 before marrying him because men typically change so much in their mid-twenties. However, each person is different and there are plenty of exceptions to each rule. If you feel truly ready to get married, who cares what other people think. I think it'll be a beautiful thing to experience your 20's with the man you love!
Usually its because the man that you love isn't the one they want you marrying. They always think something better will come long. That has been my experience anyways...
This used to drive me insane... but I've really just learned to ignore it. Everyone's gonna have an opinion on everrrything. But if you know what you're doing is right for you, who is anyone else to tell you different? Their life experiences are different than yours. Just own it and don't let anyone get to you :) I'm married at 21 and I'm a perfectly well-rounded, experienced, traveled, educated woman and I plan to continue that adventure... just with my husband at my side instead of alone :)
If its older people making the comments (parents or grandparents age) then it could be that marriage used to mean that you would buy a house, have kids and settle down immediately after walking down the aisle. Now, many more couples get married and continue to travel, go to school, etc after marriage so there's more of a chance that you'll continue to grow on a personal and private level than if you were getting married young 50 years ago. If the comments are from people your age, its because they can't see themself being married yet.
@emilygrace07: Wow we could be twins... I'm 22 and FI is 21. Everyone who knows us well is thrilled that we're getting married and hasn't said a word about getting married too young. It's people who don't know us as well who make comments like that.
@crayfish: I understand where you're coming from about waiting to have kids until you've traveled around... but my family waited until they had me and my sister before they started travelling around, and I'm so glad they did! My parents always tell us how fun it was to take their two little girls all over the world, how we got to experience that at the perfect age... when everything is new and magical. So I don't know how much we'll be travelling before we have kids, but after we do I definitely want my children to have those same amazing experiences I did! I guess my point is that having kids doesn't actually tie you down as much as you think...
A lot of people in my family married young and are still married 10, 15, 25 years later. My dad was married at 23 and is still happily married to my mom 25 years later, but my mom married her first husband at the same age and divorced him 2 years later (my mom is 10 years older than my dad).
I think the crux of the matter has already been pointed out by other bees. If someone is older, but wasn't very mature or grown up when they were my age, they assume everyone at my age is not mature. And that simply is not correct! Everyone is different :)
I think people have the best intentions in mind -they don't want you (or hubs) to think you've missed out on something and then divorce. I have to say -I can see both sides a bit! My husband was NINETEEN when we met -I was 23, and I was his first serious girlfriend. I kept telling him to date (I know, crazy), but he wouldn't. I sometimes worry that he will regret having only been with me -for over 10 years! I have considerably more experience in the dating realm (though I was no slut. :P ), including many serious/semi-serious relationships (including the one before him which lasted ~7 yrs and almost lead down the aisle). But...I told him that while I don't regret my past and that through my past relationships, I met many wonderful men, I would have skipped it all to have met him first. I love him so much, and we are so happy -I think we needed time to get to know each other, but we probably could have married years ago. It depends on the people & the maturity level. Age is not as much a factor in my mind. I think you should wait until after college to avoid the financial stress and all of the other stress a wedding/new marriage can bring, but other than that -marry when it's right for you, I say!
crayfish: However, because i'm married, i'm obviously not free to date around/experience as many random social opportunities that could be rich and valuable.
The only value I've found in having dated around/random social experiences is that they make me sooo much more grateful to have found FI. I feel the same way whenever talking with my single friends about their dating adventures...Thank God for my Fi, so I never have to search through the dating pool again!
I think most the bees above are exactly right - people who say you're too young are just telling you that THEY were too immature to get married at that age. I know it's annoying, but don't let it get to you. Besides, if you waited a few more years, you'd be getting asked why you're waiting so long!
My two cents after not having read all the posts:
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. When we were at 2.5 years, I moved 2/3 across the country for graduate school and he unfortunately couldn't follow because of work. He's 25, I'm 24. And EVEN though we're both close to mid-20's, in the 6 months I've been away from him and with new friends and school, I have grown SO much. I can't even begin to explain. I thought I was mature and confident when I was back in CA with bf, but now I find myself really impressed with how much I've changed and found out who *I* really am. Instead of worrying about coming home to cook dinner for bf and laundry and all that, I just worry about me and my personal growth. Fortunately, I've grown into a person that bf still loves. :-P
Moral of the story: If i had stayed at home and gotten married instead of taking the jump and forging my path alone, I would never have found myself in this way. I didn't think there was any growing left to do until I had a child, but I was wrong. So even though people tell you that you're a hair young, I know you don't want to hear it, but would it be so bad to spend time with your girls 3 nights in a row without having to feel bad about leaving your SO at home? Is it so bad to say "yeah sure!" when your coworkers invite you to an impromptu bar night without feeling bad that SO is at home waiting to be fed? As you become older, it's nice to be able to do WHAT you want, WHEN you want (perks that come with being an adult) without having to worry about someone else. Sorry if I don't make sense, I rarely do.
I don't think that people who are older are saying that they were too immature to marry at 20, they are saying that they have now gained valuable insight into how a person can change as they become an adult (a biological adult) that you cannot because time machines haven't been built yet, that you WILL realize when you're older. Science has concluded that for the most part, the majority of humans can't physcially emotionally mature until their brain finishes developing around the age of 25. The areas that are incomplete and affected by this biological brain immaturity are:
• Decision making• Use of appropriate judgment• Rational thinking• Integration of emotion & critical thinking• Ability to think clearly about long-term outcomes that stem from behaviors• Global thinking vs. self-centered thinking
I was a 23 year old bride and I knew, I knew - how dare anyone say I"m young, I can do everything that an independent 23 year old can do while married, blah blah. But it's not true. You can't move instantly to a great opportunity in your job that your spouse doesn't agree with like you could if you were single. You can't just leave for an amazing 6 month trip somewhere when you have a mortgage and kids to worry about. It is ridiculously unfair to tote a school age child around the world and cause them educational harm. These are all things that happen every day to married people. I had a wonderful opportunity to go work in China for 4 months after I got married. And even though togher we made around 100,000, which is average for where I live, I still couldnt' do it because we had a mortgage to think about, his job wouldn't let him go, he wouldn't be home to give our dog the walks/food/meds that he needed and other things. It isn't as easy as 'I'll just do everything I want as I grow and change with the person I love'. It's only easy if you both grow into complementary people. My parents were married at 19 and 18 and have been married 46 years. They still hold hands, kiss all the time, think they are both gorgeous and will still be the first to tell you that waiting would be smarter.
I didn't read through all of it but thought I might give you some consolation. When I got married (19) lots of people gave me crap for it. Recently my parents came to visit us--we moved cross state for my school--for Christmas and after they left they sent a letter apologizing for not being able to see past their prejudices and saying how proud they were of everything we've accomplished and how we're living. What I'm trying to say is not only does it get better, but if you succeed its a great can of whoopass to the naysayers, lol.
I know it's upsetting when someone says that, but can I say this:
Just because someone can't imagine being married in their early 20s, doesn't mean they aren't "mature or partying and drinking". Some people just don't WANT to be married that young, just like some people WANT to marry younger.
Everyone is different and their histories are different. i would say that a lot of us saw our mothers go from their parent's home to being married with no life experience in between. I know from personal experience that i have seen women like this and when they lose their husbands through divorce or death, they have NO IDEA how to even pay the mortgage or balance a check book!
Today things are different, and most women have more life experience than that.
That said, i do believe most women are too young in their early 20s. I think it will be harder to have a marrage that can make the long haul, because you WILL change a lot as you get older. Your ideals will change, your desires will change, your focus will change. It''s just part of getting older. Some marriages will make it, otherw won't, but that's true at any age. I just think that a younger woman has an additional strike against her because of the changes we take on as we age.
I just think that some people think that with age maturity, wisdom and life experience come automatically. I, however, know plenty of 35+ women and men who are still making mistakes and have imparted 0 wisdom upon their children (my friends).
Just because someone is older doesn't mean they are wiser or have more 'life experince'. I mean, half the people who tell you to wait and don't rush into marriage are people who have been divorced or had bad relationships. Just because their relationship ended badly doesn't mean mine will, it just means that they are bad at relationships so why would I listen to any of their life/ relationship advice??
Take it all with a grain of salt ladies!
I haven't read all the posts, I just wanted to say: @TerraWellness: XD
Anyway, my dad has been married about fifty times already and he doesn't seem to be any wiser for being nearly double my age. He's a special case though - and you're not going to like this, but he was too young when he got married the first time. Seriously. If it helps, I think he's still too young, but that doesn't seem to be stopping him! Lol!
It's all up to you sweetie. If you feel it is right, then it is right. Don't let others make you feel bad. They don't know how your relationship is.
If you are confident about your life decisions what does it matter what everyone else has to say about it?
People will ALWAYS have something to say no matter what your decision is about!
when you know, you know... My FI & I are actually both 21, and not ONCE have been critisized for our decisions to wed at 22! The people who know us, are elated for us. I think when its right, its right. I believe a lot of people get married these days without fully knowing their significant other & their ambitions. My FI often tells me I know him better than he know's himself. We do live together, and I'm confident in a successful marriage & life together! :)
If someone were being rude though, I would throw it right back at em' & tell them you dont wanna be an old hag on your wedding day either. It can go both ways. :)
This is like the theme of the 20's board. ^_^
If you are confident of your choice, it shouldn't matter what anyone thinks. You are going to come across it with every major life decision. Examples?
Why isn't she breastfeeding?
Why doesn't she want children close in age?
Why isn't she using cloth diapers?
Why are you going to vax...not vax?
Don't you want your kids to be in school in THIS school district?
And the list goes on and on and on and on and on. And that's just for kids!
So stop worrying what people think, hold your head up high, and rock your choice.
I got a lot of comments like that because im engaged in college and its a LDR. Everyone tells me im missing out and im thinking on what? getting drunk and stupid? Im getting my education and im learning idependence isnt that what youre supposed to get out of college? Sometimes i think the whole reason people say im missing out by not having my party years is cause they lie to themselves saying that they needed that time in their life. i say you keep your freshman 15 and beer funnel and ill take my happy relationship and awesome gpa.
People often think that the guys you love at 20 and not the same guys you love at 25 +. Of course this is a generalization but for many people (me included!) it's true. My advice is that people should trust themselves before others :)
I'm 23, have lived alone, graduated from college, have a real job, have been to 9 countries and most of the 50 states, gone out and partied, had a million laughs with my girlfriends, had a few serious boyfriends and enough first dates to know i hate them.. people still tell me I'm too young. Probably because they're 23 too and they don't feel ready. I do, and that is whats important. Now, instead of going to Mexico with my sorority sisters, I'll go to Greece with my husband. Instead of hanging out with my girlfriends and then going home to my apartment, I'll go home to my home with my husband. Some people can't see that we all have different values. Let them figure it out for themselves.
I am now 22 been with my FI (23) since i was 17, we have 3 beautiful sons (5,4,2) together and are getting married next FEB.
I have had a few people (that dont know me) say your so young you have your whole life..blah blah blah. I didnt want to have my whole life i wanted to be with the man i love i wanted to have children. and now i want to get married.
Everything in life is a choice and a chance. If you dont take a chance you will never have the choice to do so again.. Thats what i live by...
Live every day to its fullest and WHO CARES what other people think. whether you know them or not they are not you and cant make your choices for you.
rules are made to be broken and choices made to regret :D
ooo I would have missed out on SO much had I got married 19/20/21/22.
But - to each her own!
A lot of us were saying the exact same things as the OP in our late teens / early 20s. We all think we're so mature and have it together at that age, but now that we look back, we realize that we couldn't have even known what we didn't know.
And in all honesty, a lot of the people saying "age doesn't matter", etc., will be on the other side of the fence in 5 years, regardless if their marriage worked out or not.
luckyprincess hit the nail on the head with the brain development and decision marking.
I would never offer my opinion like that, some people really have no tact or manners.. Having said that, only because you asked, I admit I do somewhat agree with them.
I am now 29. When I think of myself and my life when I was 22, I can hardly recognise myself. There were so many things I still didn't know about myself, or that I still needed to figure out. Since then I have been lucky to have had the opportunity to travel, to move to different countries, to meet so many wonderful people, and to have understood more or less what kind of life I want to lead. I know most of the things I did would have not been possible if I had met my FI at 22.
How do I know? Well, because I see how we are when we are together. We enjoy our time together very much, and since he moved in with me I've been going out less, I've been meeting less people, and I have not been looking for opportunities to move again.I'm not saying I miss it, but at the same time I am very happy I did have the time and opportunity to do all those things before meeting him.
And now I am ready to figure out what kind of life we want, and what experiences we want to have as a couple. A house, a dog, kids... It's not about me anymore, it's about us. (it's just nice that for a while, it really was about me).
Of course if I had met the love of my life at 22, what choice would there have been? I would have never let that love pass me by, so I would have probably been in your same situation. But I didn't, and if I imagine my hopes for a future daughter, I do hope she'll also meet the love of her life after she's 25 and get to experience life on her own a bit...
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