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It's not impolite to control your guest list. Just call the offending parties and say "I'm sorry that your spouse/SO can't attend but we simply do not have the space for your substitute date. We'd prefer to use that spot to invite family and friends we did not have space for. So and so will also be attending so you won't be alone." Don't be angry, upset or rude. You're just politely informing them that they may not bring an uninvited guest.
Be firm, don't compromise and don't negotiate with emotional terrorists, i.e. "Well if I can't bring this random person as my date then I just won't go." If someone says that then your response will be "We'll be sorry not to have you there but if you choose not to go, that is your decision."
Personally I don't think it would be impolite at ALL for you to say something. You have a budget, you have a plan and you invited THIS person only. If someone has ANY sense about them, they will understand. Apologize and tell them you aren't wanting to be rude or impolite but there's way you can accomodate X. You shouldn't have to deal with uninvited guests, let alone on the most (one of the most) important days of your life :)
I am going to agree with everyone else; it is your wedding and it is completely reasonable for you to only want people you know and have a connection with you and your FI to join you in this special day. However, when/if you tell the offendors this, be prepared for some hissy fits.
Whoever is going to a wedding without their husband or wife needs a good smack upside the head.
Make it clear that the invitation is for the couple only, not for one party and a plus one. End of discussion.
@NJmeetsBX: While I understand your frustration, I think that I respectfully disagree. You reserved two spots for that group. I've never been to a formal event where it was assumed that I must cede my partner's space back to the hosts if he isn't available that night. I can certainly see why it would be nice if they gave you the extra spot (and the money that it entails!) back, but I think you've just got to write it off. Saying that there's "no way that you can accommodate X" is particularly graceless, IMO, since you planned to accommodate the original date. (Of course, this doesn't apply if they start adding extra people!)
Again, I understand your frustration, but in the scheme of things, I think you've got to let it go rather than risk creating a ton of unnecessary drama around your day. Just my two cents for maximum bridal serenity. :-)
@village_skeptic: I have to agree with you... if you invite 2 people, and one cannot come, I feel like its a little impolite to rescind that invitation. And trust me this is only the first of what will probably be many guest fouls regarding rsvp's.
@village_skeptic: I have to agree with you... if you invite 2 people, and one cannot come, I feel like its a little impolite to rescind that invitation. And trust me this is only the first of what will probably be many guest fouls regarding rsvp's.
@village_skeptic: I get what you're saying, BUT she clearly invited Mr & Mrs X. Those were the people who were invited. It would be different if the invitation stated Mr. X & Guest
I think that it's okay to say that on the most important, personal, and intimate day of your life, you'd like to be surrounded by and celebrate with people you know. To invite someone along that the bride and groom don't even know in lieu of someone they are friends with seems awkward. It's not a "flyer party" like in your freshman year of college, where it's open invites.
It is pretty rude to invite other people that they Bride /Groom doesn't know or want at a wedding unless the inviation said "plus guest". Maybe you could mention that you don't think it would be fair to your other friends / family since you already told them no plus ones.
In fact, I've been to TWO weddings where bride told me that they were only letting married or engaged couples bring a date (each other!) and "to be fair they had to stick to that rule."
@KatieLu: If the OP is going to be really bothered by this, your suggestion to explain that other guests not in an established relationship weren't pemitted to bring plus ones would probably be the nicest way to do this. I'd still want to weigh whether the hurt feelings/awkwardness for guests to have to disinvite people (not to mention the OP's valuable time spent smoothing ruffled feathers!) would be worth it, though. Unless OP has a very small, intimate wedding (which, to be fair, she might, I can't tell from the post), I would be surprised if having Mrs. X and Mrs. X's sister instead of Mr. X is really going to change her experience of the event. But your suggestion, I think, is a nice way to go about it if she decides to do this.
@liartist: agree, the invite was to specific people. if one person on the guest list could not come, would that mean someone separate could bring someone along? absolutely not
Personally I think it is rude to carry someone else than your SO who was invited. I understand that some persons may not want to come if their SO cannot attend, but I do find it unacceptable for them to simply think that someone else (who the bride and groom might not even know) can be substituted. I would politely call them and tell them that you are sorry that one partner cannot attend but unfortunately there can be no susbtitutions as there are other family and friends who it would be nice to invite in lieu of the SO not being able to attend. You might have to be really sweet in delivering this info tho so as to minimise any bad feelings.
I have gone to weddings and seen strangers accompany invited guests and while it does not cause a rukkus, I have heard grumblings from family members about how "strangers" were invited over other family members. Just a point to note.
I think that unless the invite says "Person X and Guest," and yours clearly didn't, you are completely in the right to insist that only people who are invited are invited. (Ugh. The stupidness of that sentence really reveals the stupidness of it all, don't it?) The people pulling the switcheroo totally know they're being kind of rude - I think you can call them on it, politely of course.
I agree with PP; it's totally fine to call them up & say "I'm sorry, but the invitation was extended to you & your spouse. We're really trying to keep the guest list close, so unfortunately we're unable to accomodate so-and-so."
@Beluga: I agree. While it might be a bit awkard, and the super gracious thing to do would be to just let it rest, it's rude of them, and there are others that you'd rather have there. And how far does this 'polite quiet' extend? If I invite a family of 5, but the mom and the kids are sick, does dad get to bring his 4 buddies from work? NO.
I think that you're more than fine to politely let them know that you unfortunately cannot accomodate 'Guest X' due to the fact that others weren't allowed their +1 SO and you must stick to the boundaries you and FI have set for the guestlist.
I think that if you invite someone, then that is who is invited. No switcheroos here. Something like this (but more eloquent) I think would be fine to say/send to any guest list offenders:
Dear wedding guest,
I'm sorry to hear that your SO won't be able to attend, but I am so happy to hear that you will be coming to our wedding! We are looking to have a fairly intimate wedding though...just our nearest and dearest and if "X" isn't able to come, we'd appreciate it if you didn't bring "Y". We'd really prefer to personally know all of our guests. You definitely won't be bored though, "L, M, and N" will be there too.
I get where everyone is coming from, but I, personally, would never approach a guest & say 'Im sorry, I can't accommodate X' when they know full well I reserved 2 seats for them. Yeah, they're being moderately rude, but that's on them, not me. I also don't believe in B lists, though, so that may color my opinion.
@les105: two seats for two named people, not just general seats to be filled by whoever they want
and it's not really 'we have reserved two seats for you' it was inviting people to come to a wedding, if they can't come they can't come, it is up to the bride and groom to choose the invite list NOT for the guests to invite whoever they damn well please if someone else on the guest list can't make it
I understand that, I'm not saying its wrong to feel that way, im planning a wedding, too, so I get it. I'm just sharing what i would honestly do in that situation.
@Jacqui90: Actually, our RSVP card (again, I understand not the OP's) actually DOES say "We have reserved X seats in your honor," It was the nicest way that we could think of to signal "Yes, your kids are invited," or "We're not actually giving you a plus one because you're not seeing anyone and all your friends will be there." Then again, my MOH is bringing her sister 'cause her on again, off again boy is on a different continent right now, and I've never even MET the SOs of two of my other bridesmaids. As with everything in wedding planning -- your mileage may vary!
I have serious anxiety about this happening. Mostly I have a vey small party and I have to keep it that way-worried some of the singles might try to write in someone and double my count. I think the only thing saving me is that we are having a destination wedding (whose gonna pay to travel like that unless it means something to them). But I worry about this crap a lot as well as those I've had to cut out because of numbers.
It is terribly rude to invite someone else and I hate the thought of having someone there that isn't close to me and/or my fiancee. Ugh!
Thanks, bees. I'm still thinking about how to deal with this. FI is all about letting them know not to bring the substitute. We don't have a B list (just a coworker that I'm on the fence about).
For us, it's the principal. We made some VERY difficult decisions about our guest list. So to have substitute guests there when we could potentially invite some people we orginally cut pretty much sucks. And as a PP mentioned, there are family members that didn't make the list so it will surely be noticed that so and so wasn't invited but the bride's co-worker and her daughter were.
I just think it's rude. It's not a barbecue, you can't just bring whoever you want. Whether I'll say something about it may come down to how many times it happens. It may just come down to dollar and cents.
@village_skeptic: then i guess speak to them about the guest who they're wanting to bring, but make sure who you want to come is invited. but since the RSVPs said the number of seats reserved i understand where the guests are coming from
@NJmeetsBX: I would say something! Especially if you have a great relationship with these people (they're invited to your wedding so I would hope you do). I'm sure they'll understand, and even if they don't oh well. Would you rather them understand or have a family member attend in place of that missing spouse.
So after having this situation arise again today (did I mention we JUST sent invitations last week?), we decided to shut the substitutions down. All have been informed today that we have folks we'd rather invite. Thanks, bees, for the advice.
@NJmeetsBX: Way to go. I hope it turns our alright. I mean, I could see how they may be miffed, but THEY were the ones that were rude. Sorry that it's awkward to be called on it, but it is what it is.
Same thing when we called late RSVPs...it was awkward, but after a bit, I was of the mindset that no, they were rude by not sending in their pre-stamped card. No need for me to feel bad.
I feel you hun. My FI just informed me that one of the groomsmen who I was told would not need a plue one. Now plans on bring two people. Le sigh.
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We have no plus ones. At all. The invitations clearly state who is invited on them. I've observed a strange phenomenon, however, as we are receiving RSVPs. The old switcheroo.
It goes something like this: "My husband/wife/whomever can't come so I'm bringing X as my date." Uhhhh. I didn't invite X, in some cases, don't even know X. And frankly, I would like to save the money or invite someone that I actually do know instead of whoever the hell you just decided to invite. But it would be impolite for me to say that, right? Impolite like bringing someone to a fancy party who wasn't invited? Right.
And no these aren't people that won't know anyone if they came alone. In that case, I would understand them not wanting to attend alone.
Gee whiz. End rant.