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I think it's just encouragement to work out issues and not to hold grudges, although I think some grudges are easier to let go of in the morning . . . :)
Awwww, Doll ((hugs)). No worries. Despite that saying, sometimes things look a little clearer in the morning.
I know people say this, but what if you're tired and that is just contributing to the problem? Always wondered that... Don't worry! Just try to talk it out asap. I think it is more important to not let things brew for a long period of time rather than forcing it to be resolved by bedtime.
I always thought it was because there is always the chance that your loved one won't wake up. Resolve your fights before bed in case that is the last memory you have of that person. Yeah, it's morbid, but what can I say; the chances on this one are slim. I agree with the idea of not holding a grudge, too. And it is just a saying, not a rule to live your life by. I am sure everything will be fine for you!
I definitely agree that holding grudges can be bad, but I ignore this rule because honestly half of our fights are because one of us is just way too tired to begin with. If we didn't go to bed angry, we probably wouldn't get around to the making up part!
I think sometimes when you are exhausted, you begin to say really stupid things, and then the disagreement goes around and around and gets magnified because you are so emotional. At least it happens to me haha, so I don't do it. In that case, it is always better to just go to bed. In the morning, when your minds are clearer, things won't seem as big of a deal as they were before.
What I always do though, along that same line, is to tell him I love him regardless of how mad I am. I would never leave or go to bed without telling him that. It's not always easy to do, but in the end, I just try to remember that even when we disagree, the two of us are always on the same side.
i think it depends on the fight. if its something really important that has been nagging at you for a while, its gonna cause you sleepless nights if you dont address it.
but if youre fighting over him leaving the underware on the floor again and hes mad because you told him no he needs to put the playstation down, then yeah, go ahead and go to bed. its not a fight that really "matters" in my book and given time yall will forget you were even fighting.
I am a Christian and the saying actually comes from a verse in the bible, "Don't let the sun go down on your wrath." The reason that it says that is because it's alright to be angry, anger is a natural human emotion, but it's not alright to do wrong while you're angry. And by going to bed angry the verse says that you give way to Satan being able to tempt you to act out in anger even more and make the situation worse. And it is often true, that the longer we allow ourselves to be angry, we mull over the situation and let ourselves become more upset over things that don't matter.
Now, I'm not trying to say that you should believe that just because I do, or because it's from the bible, but you did ask what that saying meant, so I just tried to give you a little origin :)
my pastor told us that a couple times during our pre-marital counseling, but I agree with you girls that sometimes there are times when you know it'd be best to work it out in the morning - I am more irritable at night too. But my fi, on the other hand, does like working things out before bed because he can't sleep if we're upset with each other..aww! Anyway, I still believe it's best to try to work things out before you sleep, but it's understandable that that doesn't always happen.
I think because you or that person could not wake up in the morning and then for the rest of your life, you'll always think about how your last words with that person were mean or evil. My father died unexpectedly and I always think about my last words. They were "I love you too and I'll see you on Friday."
My parents never gave me much advice in general or much marriage advice but this (never going to bed angry) was one thing they always stressed to me and...
They had the most EFFED marriage ever (short of being abusive).
So needless to say, I totally ignore this. Most of the times my hubby and I argue it's because we are overtired. Sleeping on the things that are troubling us and discussing them again the next day has become a great way for us to work things out. I am not saying it's for everyone but it definitely works for us and we're 8 years (6 years of dating 2 years of marriage) in...and so far we're nothing like my parents!
We are here to listen to you vent mrs. lee! Let it rip if you need advice!
I'm pretty sure it comes (possibly) from the verse in the bible that says not to let the sun go down on your anger. Overall just a good rule of thumb....but maybe that's where it came from?
It's so that A) You can sleep, and B) You don't put off resolving the argument. *HUGS* So sorry that you had a fight -- don't worry, though, you'll figure it all out! : ) I've gone to bed plenty of times mad as a hatter at my fiance.
I think for us, if we go to bed angry, we wake up groggy and "over it" and never end up talking out the root issue. It just sort of builds upon itself, making the next argument even worse. We are big into "working it out" so we can move on, so we will talk things out to the point that at least we can agree to disagree and go to sleep knowing that the other person may be acting crazy but they mean well.
I had the same thing happen last night! It started as totally my fault...i.e. I created the issue out of nothing, but then he said some really hurtful things.
I can't stand going to bed angry. I think it makes everything better if you can apologize or figure it out first (as long as it's like a half an hour thing, not a 2 hour thing). I apologized first last night and was actually able to sleep.
Then I texted him after i left in the morning (I always leave first) and said something nice because the fight was not the deal-breaker type and I didn't want any of it to linger.
I think it resolves things more quickly and that's why I try to do it.
I think it's from the bible like Lighthouse said. I think it's a good rule of thumb, it's so much easier to let it drag on if you don't talk it out. The longer you don't talk about it, the harder it is to adress the issue.
I wouldn't worry too much about it, sometimes (especially if you are arguing over something stupid or neither of you is willing to "give") the sleep helps to get perspective back, and in the morning the fight doesn't really seem to matter anymore!
We use to do this all the time and trust me, if you go to sleep mad at each other, the morning will be even worse! Nightmares happen and grouchiness crawls out of bed. We have conquered this problem about a year ago and made a deal with each other that we would communicate better. We are both not morning people so the less negativity for us the better. Every single night we make sure we say good night and a kiss before we go to sleep, and if we are fighting, we dont do that until the problem is solved.
@amaryllis- I never really thought of it that way but its a good point. I lost my first love 8 years ago, he died of an asthma attack and the last time I saw him the day he died we were in a fight and I didnt even kiss him goodbye when he dropped me off at work, I felt terrible and still hold it in my heart up to this day
I hate going to bed mad even if its with my family, I find myself tossing and turning all night and having to cope with insomnia
Our minister actually advised us to throw this rule out, and I'm inclined to agree with him. I guess it depends on what we're angry about: if it's something meaningless or petty, just let it go and go to bed. But if it's a big fight, or very important: sleep it off. You can't fight fair when one partner is overexhausted or too emotional to think straight, so take some time, get some sleep, and start fresh in the morning. I would never want to go to bed without kissing my FH or praying with him, but I'm more than willing to fall asleep pissed off because I know it makes me a better person, a stronger communicator, and that makes us a better couple. Most of the time when I've woken up whatever it is we were fighting about has become a non-issue, or if we still need to talk I am rested and better prepared to have a fair fight. It's okay, and even healthy to go to bed angry.
There's also a fantastic Bible verse about being 'slow to anger', something I am ALWAYS working on, but having a good night's sleep helps me control my emotions, so when we talk things over the next day I can be slow[er] to anger.
@Miss-Spunkin: Thanks, I was going for that answer too, you spared me from having to write all this.
It's biblical.
We have many sayings and advice that come in fact from the Bible and we don't even know it.
@Merry Marry; I'm surprised that your pastor would tell you to "throw out" a biblical teaching..
Meh, I don't really believe in that. Sometimes you gotta cool off. Things seem less crazy in the morning. You can spend 5 hours resolving the issue and getting nowhere, or sleep on it, and in the morning say, "crap. I was totally being psychotic, sorry" and start with a fresh slate.
But, was it a silly argument? Or something serious? Cuz sometimes serious things are better left to discuss when you have a clear head, NOT right before bed. And a silly argument/disagreement can be blown out of proportion when you're tired and/or cranky from a long day.
yeah i can see that some people would want to start the day fresh, or as PP said, they might not wake up.
i personally like to sleep on it, because then i'm not so rallied up and can talk with a more calm attitude. N actually can't sleep if i'm mad at him. like, i've never seen him able to.
Sometimes, it's a good idea to go to bed angry, assuming you can fall asleep. If it's a way of dragging out a fight or avoiding one, then it's a bad idea.
Don't sweat it. If you talk about it in the morning, it's all the same anyway.
For silly arguments I'd rather go to bed because I completely forget about the argument when I wake up. There are very few fights that would actually keep me up. I'm not going to be tossing and turning because he didn't load the dishwasher properly.
In regards to the bible verse wrath =! angry.
I really think it depends on the depth and type of the anger. If you can still 'feel' that you love each other and it's mostly irritation I say go to bed. If I was deeply truly wrathful and upset I'd have a hard time getting to sleep, I need to have that feeling that whatever is going on everything will be okay. But really, whatever works for you.
Meh. I don't think I buy that.
Sometimes, especially if the argument is something kind of stupid, it does a lot of good to go to bed when you're still annoyed. When that happens and then I wake up in the morning, I'm usually over it. It's better than talking in circles when your'e exhausted.
Personally, I think that most arguments seem less serious and important after you have slept and aren't feeling exhausted.
I'm in the group that likes to go to bed mad because usually in the morning, we've forgotten what we were even fighting about, or we laugh at how silly it was. For us, we will end up arguing because we're tired or stressed, and sleep usually fixes that :)
I personally hate having an argument go unresolved and will usually fight to the finish, but perhaps it's not always the worst thing to sleep on it sometimes. Sometimes it might just be best to say, "Look, we're both tired, we're clearly getting nowhere on working this out, let's just agree to go to bed and look at it again in the morning." Kind of an "agree to disagree for the time being".
Because if you go to bed angry they'll come take your marriage license away.
Just kidding.
In my opinion, it works for some couples and not for others. We had a lot of knock-down drag-out fights just from being overtired this way. I mean, we argued about ridiculous things just because I hadn't slept more than 4 hours a night in the past two weeks and so I was being a total bitch.
Now, if we have an argument before we go to bed, we make an extra effort to show some affection, even if it's not resolved. That might mean cuddling while falling asleep, or just a long hug. But it works.
I always thought it was becuase there was a chance your SO wouldn't wake up in the morning and the last thing you guys did was fight. BUT, I have read that sometimes it is best to go to bed mad so that you can sleep on it and wake up refreshed with a clear mind to work it out
I'm not entirely sure the reason for it, but I know that when me and FI fight before bed and then its not talked out before I go to sleep, I feel really bad and I'm just not happy and I'll usually end up sending him a text saying that I'm sorry and that I love him. He doesn't like to end a conversation angry at each other either.
I think the reason is so that you don't wake up and start a new day upset with one another. It really sucks to wake up knowing that there are unresolved issues, KWIM?
But, we often go to bed after an argument and wake up perfectly fine. My SO actually needs that time to like cool off, so I don't think it applies to everyone.
I HATE this saying, because it's simply bad advice. When we moved in together I NEVER wanted to go to bed angry and we had quite a few nights where neither of us got very much sleep and nothing got solved. When you're both exhausted you start to just go in circles, half the time you're not even arguing about the right thing anymore. Then you are both exhausted and grumpy the next day. I was so happy when I saw this article http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/22403232/ It makes so much more sense to get a good night's sleep and then discuss it the next day, even if it means opening the discussion back up. Sometimes, after a good night's sleep, you'll find it's not really worth arguing though.
I have learned to let things go and get a good night's rest. Sometimes, if it was something small (the argument) then it is a good idea to let it go. Often we forget by morning. If it is heavy or serious, I try to work it out so that we are not going off in the morning to our separate lives/jobs with anything between us. Life is so short. Also, I get bad dreams if a serious issue is not worked out. If it is something small though, no worries. ;)
Something must have been going on in the universe last night because me and my hubby got into it right before bed too! I absolutely cannot sleep good at all if an argument isn't at least most of the way resolved and I'm in somewhat of a calmed-down state. Otherwise, I just lay there and stew in my anger, and if I hear him drifting off to sleep it makes it worse LOL! So, um, yeah... For me, things have to be resolved beforehand.
I second what miss-spunkin said about that saying probably originating from the Bible, at least that's what I always think of when I hear it.
I hope everything worked out ok!
@eqb, throwing it out does not mean we never consider it, but chose to abide by or ignore "never go to bed angry" as suits our situations. I get very emotional very fast, and when I'm tired those emotions are likely to spin out of control. It's not a fair fight if I can't communicate, so for us this is a rule that we tend to ignore, as it doesn't work for us. For small things, I can let them go and we kiss and make up, But for bigger issues? Going to bed angry is one of the smartest choices we can make as a couple. Our minister understands communication issues very well, which is why he said to 'throw it out', as it's not a hard and fast rule to be obeyed all the time, but something to consider and strive for, but with the understanding that it's not always realistic.
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I know it's not a good thing to do, & I never like to do it...but just curious as to why they say to never go to bed mad at each other? Is there a specific reason?
Me & my husband got in an argument earlier & he's already in bed :(