Why do we argue so much more in an LDR? (sad, vent)

posted 5 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 3
Member
9949 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Talking on the phone SUCKS.  That’s part of the problem.  I lived 100 miles from my fiance for the first five years of our relationship; we saw each other two or three weekends a month.  When you’re not together all the time, it’s more difficult because you feel that you have MORE to say and want more in return, and so when you don’t have anything to say (cause you never remember that you wanted to tell him about the one thing that happened the other day) and neither does he you are MORE upset.  Plus phones…ugh.  A pause in real life might contain a smile, but on the phone it’s just blah.

What are you fighting about?

Post # 4
Member
2103 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Err, no.  

We talked for about 4-6 hours a night.  

But, the strain of missing each other, stress etc does create little arguments that might not otherwise occur.

Im sorry you’re struggling.

Post # 5
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Yes. I’ve definitely had this problem (almost 4 yrs in LDR, seeing each other only once or twice a year). I think it’s hard for us to have meaningful conversations and it’s usually routine. At one point it got me SO MAD and I didn’t want to deal with it so I just told him out loud how much I hated the routine and the 4 same sentences we say to each other everyday. I HATE forced conversation. So this was a big issue for me since that’s what we relied on to keep our relationship alive.

BUT, I also think this is a good thing. You guys can work on your communication skills. I’m not sure how you solve arguments/issues when you are together, but take advantage of this time of being apart to learn more about each other and your actual needs (if it’s something more than stress and missing each other). My FI & I discovered we both ranked pretty high for “Quality Time” in our love languages. So when saw that our conversations had no meaning, it was really imperative that we fixed that. And once we did, I found myself so much happier that we were spending time together, because that’s important to me.

Don’t see this LDR as a bad experience, but as a good one! This can help improve your relationship more than it already is & help you discover new things about each other.

I’m not saying this will solve the issue, but this worked the best for my FI & I and I truly hope it can help you guys 🙂

Post # 6
Member
423 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I’m in an LDR at the moment (only for 3 more months though yay) and have been for about a year and a half.  FI is from England and I am from California so visiting is difficult and expensive.  LDR’s are tough for sure and talking on the phone can be very frustrating.  I know it seems like a minor thing, but when FI and I talk on skype with webcams instead of on the phone it actually cuts down on the bickering and the seemingly long silences.  I’m not sure if it’s just cause we can see each other so the silence doesn’t feel so awkward or what, but it helps a lot for us.  Skype is free, maybe consider giving it a try?

Post # 8
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@AllTheGoodUsernamesAreTaken:  +1.   FI & I can only skype on the weekends bc of the time difference but that’s okay because even though we’re typing to each other through out the weekdays, we still have a ton to talk about during the weekends and seeing each other is much better than being on the phone. I also hate being on the phone so maybe that’s why skyping is better for me, lol.

Post # 10
Member
9949 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Paiger8:  When he vents about work, try to ignore the jargon and figure out what he’s mad about.  Is it communication at work?  Did something go wrong?  Then respond to that, and he will think you totally got it.  Or if he goes on and on and on say, “Honey?  Hold on a sec.”  Go for a second or two…just like don’t talk and pretend you had to check on something.  Then come back and say, “Okay remind me what the exact problem was?”  

 

My fiance and I used to fight because I would say, “Can you hold on a sec?” and he wouldn’t say anything, so I would repeat it, and he wouldn’t say anything AGAIN, and the third time, he’d be like, “Yes!  What the hell!”  I had to tell him, “When I ask a question and you do not answer, I assume you did not hear or understand.  All you have to say is okay.”  My word.

Post # 12
Hostess
3426 posts
Sugar bee

I know the feeling.  We also had a 7-8 hour time difference (daylight saving dependant) so it was really hard to pin each other down for a chat, and then when we did there was nothing to say.  I can’t help with the why, but we argued more when we were LDR.  I hope it improves soon.  Hugs.

Post # 14
Member
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Yes!  Our LDR is ending in about a week and a half! and it was only for three months, but in the beginning we were fighting constantly about little things.  We had to sit down and have a serious discussion about what our expectations were for one another.  The second half of the summer has gone a lot smoother.  We’ve had a few arguments, but nothing too bad.  We try and skype four times a week, and that definitely helps cut down arguments and give us things to talk about.  Long distance is hard no matter what, but I wish you the best of luck on the remainder of your time!

Post # 15
Member
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Paiger8:  Why not try something different than phone calls? Obviously it’s important to hear each other’s voices, but since phonecalls seem to be leaving you both feeling worse, why not do something different once in a while?

MSN Messenger? Skype? Get a bit creative. I personally hate phones and so does my guy.

I don’t think anything is wrong w. your relationship. You’re just not phone people.

 

Post # 16
Member
247 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

My FI have done the LDR thing a few times and it is honestly the worst.

I found it was easier when we didn’t try to force conversation, but we just had really long, multi-hour calls where we’d hang out on the phone. For instance, if I was cooking dinner I’d keep the line open and we’d chat about silly things like what a mess I was making with the pasta sauce. That way our relationship felt less like an LDR and more like it was when we were back living together. We did the movie date thing a lot too – where we’d watch the same movie or TV show at the same time. 

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