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I was thinking about this earlier today at lunch.
A lot of us on here have expressed wanting to lose weight, or not being happy with ourselves, when clearly our hubbys/FI's/SO's are perfectly satisfied with the way we look or they wouldn't be with us in the first place.
Just because we might be a little bigger than we would like, apparently we are perfect to our men.. so why is it that we are still so down on ourselves?
I guess it's due to several things: media, comparing ourselves to random people, thinking if we are skinnier we will be happier, etc..
I've been skinnier, it's true. Before I met now hubby, I was approx 10 lbs thinner. Was I happier? Um.. no. Since I have met him, I am a much happier person. Even though back then I weighed 149 lbs and now weigh 156 (I'm not afraid to say it) and I'm not as toned as I was, INSIDE I am happier. No, I don't believe I look as good as I did then in a bathing suit, but I have a wonderful man who doesn't judge me on those few extra lbs. I worked out a LOT back in those days. I was single, so I had more free time on my hands. Nowdays, I am not willing to dedicate 2 hours a day to exercise. Nope. I got a man to take care of! I still exercise, but not borderline obsessively like back in the day.
Sometimes I still freak out, especially if we are walking in a mall or something and there's a super-tiny girl in front of me with tight jeans on and not an ounce of fat jiggling anywhere, but the truth is, even at my thinnest, I STILL had those thoughts. I will never be super-tiny with no jiggles. It's not my body type. Do I find myself hideous? No. Does hubby find me unattractive? Apparently not. So why focus so much on it?
To focus on losing weight for health reasons is completely understandable.. I suggest that to everyone because we all want to live as long as possible, right?
To absolutely torture ourselves to reach an unattainable & idealistic version of us, is just miserable and will always leave us dissappointed.
We should all love ourselves more than that.
;)
Ugh, I know what you're saying! I think it mostly is the media and being expected to look perfect on the big day.
I am the same way though. When I was really thin and working out like 3 hours a day I still thought I was fat!!! Its so stupid and crazy, but I look at pictures now and I'm like "Ohmygoshhhhh I was too skinny!!!" Which was true! But I didnt get it at that point.
I want to lose weight because I FEEL healthier when I'm down 10+ lbs. Plus running is a LOT easier for me when I don't weigh this much.
For me, it isn't ALL about how I look (although I'll be perfectly honest, some of it is).
I agree that people shouldn't lose weight just because of media expectations but I really do think people should try to be the healthiest that they can be. That is why I am going back to the gym now (not going for hours a day though).
This is a great post. I think being healthy and fit is great, but it doesn't take two hours a day to be fit and it doesn't take never ever looking at a cookie again to be healthy. I've dealt with eating/food issues and it's so hard to remember that happiness and self-worth are very far divorced from a number on a scale or a size on a dress tag. Anyway, I could go on for ages, but the point is REALLY well said, okqueenbee. :)
This is really interesting!
I was definitely in better shape and thinner when I met the hubs. He still, of course, loves me the way I am now, and while I'm very happy with him and my life, I'll admit, I'm not as happy with my body. I think it's possible to be happy with your life in general, and still not be happy with a few things. My body is definitely one of them.
I'm not disgusted with the way I look, and I don't consider myself fat, but I do wish that I wasn't as, umm, jiggly? I used to be pretty solid, and I've let myself go over the years (especially after the wedding). And I mostly feel this way because when I was thinner, I felt stronger and healthier, which gave me a lot of confidence. I loved how that made me feel. My husband makes me feel incredibly sexy, but it's a different feeling when you feel really in shape and healthy.
The only reason why Im loosing weight, is to fit into my dress I bought and still fit into it at august. FH loves me for who I am.. I live a fairly healthy lifestyle and thats my choice I want to live longer!
I feel healthier when I am about 10 lbs lighter. I know I'm carrying around a bit of extra weight, because some clothes that fit me a few months a go are now tight. I don't like that feeling!!!
I admit I do need to work on my self esteem :) Going to the gym helps with that!
I definately agree about being & feeling healthier.. Especially since so many health problems are linked to being overweight. It's very serious!
I just thought about all of this today because, as I looked down at my frozen microwave meal, I thought (in 1/2 of a second) about how many calories, carbs, sodium content, etc, I was about to ingest, and how/if it would affect my weight loss efforts. SERIOUSLY! It was like a little computer inside my head running numbers and calculating any and all potentially diet-damaging aspects of my meal! It was sheer craziness!
Anywho, it didn't affect me too much though cuz I still had doritos with it :P
@ Entangled - Thank you
I look back at pictures of me from high school and I'm grossed. out. I was TOO skinny. I didn't even try to be skinny, I ate anything and everything and never worked out. Gone are those days, but it's a good thing. I was under 100 lbs until I went to college and discovered beer.
I really want to tone, and drop the weight I put on over the holidays. I'm never going to be a size 0 again, and that's fine by me. I'm trying to eat healthier and be more active for my overall health and mindset. It makes me feel good to try and better myself!
I have a lot of friends who constantly put themselves down over the way they look. It's frustrating! I see my friends as so beautiful, but a lot of them don't see what I see.
I only started gaining weight when I started at Starbucks. FI (being a guy and all) has actually told me my legs used to be killer, now they're just okay. Ouch! He wasn't trying to be mean, he's just a guy. That and being asked when I'm due, when I'm not even preggo? Yeah. The tummy's gotta go. It's not that I hate my body, I just want to treat it better.
I don't want to lose any weight! I'm 5' 8", 158 pounds (okay, I'd like to lose that 8 pounds that I gained this month from eating all kinds of junk since I've been living with J, but I've hovered between 145 and 160 for years now and am pretty happy with it), and wear a size 8. That's below average for the US. I'm totally happy with my weight!
But I would like to know my heart and lungs are healthier, because right now they're pretty well crap. :/
@ His Barista - Awww :( That wasn't very nice of him to say! Sometimes honesty is NOT the best policy! LOL. When it has to do with our weight, they need to LIE LIE LIE!!!!!! hahaha!!!
I know what you mean.. One day I was out somewhere, and there was a little boy, probably around 8 years old, and he looked at my tummy (I have a little pooch in my lower abdomen) and said "is there a baby in there?" I was MORTIFIED!!!! I'm not even that big! I so wanted to slap that kid!
@ daydream - I would LOVE to be 5'8". That would ROCK. I'm only 5'4" (& 1/2 ;) sometimes I enjoy being short though, cuz it makes me feel petite and cutesy. Especially since hubby is 6'1".
A lot of it, most of it, has nothing to do with health. If it did we wouldn't see people frustrated because they've been working out and haven't lost weight - they are healthier but what they want is to be skinnier which is not the same thing.
I think part of it is attractiveness. Nothing wrong with wanting to be attractive. A lot wrong with hating yourself because of it.
But a big part of it isn't about out attractiveness to our man or even men in general, it is that we judge people who are fat or pudgy as being bad people, as not doing the proper thing and dieting (no matter that 90% of diets don't work long term), as not having enough self control or lazy. All of that is really damaging, people confuse body weight with morality and no one wants to be bad.
Excercise is wonderful and so is eating healthy but the way American society is organized both of those are pretty hard (healthy food more expensive then unhealthy food, commutes leaving no time for gym) and it isn't right to put so much judgment on people for failing at these that they hate themselves. Of course there are also plenty of healthy fat people who eat right and excercise and are still judged.
Barista,
Ouch. That was pretty mean for a lot of guys I know. Most guys I know would never dream of saying something like that unless they wanted to hurt someone. Probably your guy is just generally tactless and thoughtless about these things (not the biggest flaw! and I'm sure makes up for it in loads of awesome qualities, personally I'll take honesty over tact any day) but let's not paint all men with the same brush, they are individuals.
@Ok-I'm 5' 4.5", too! lol. I hate being short!!! I have to wear an apron, so you can't really tell it's just a jiggly tummy. lol. In my apron I could easily pass for 5 months or so. It sucks.
@Arachna-I'm just about 21, and Fi is almost 2 years younger than me. So he really wasn't trying to be tactless. lol. I just siad something about tonig my legs, and that came out. This was awhile ago, and he did apologize after he thought about it. = )
:) It happens to us all, something silly slips out. And it's nice to know your killers legs made a big impression on him.
I think we all want to lose weight for different reasons. Sometimes it's to get healthy, sometimes it's to look our best, sometimes (let's be honest) it's out of self-hate. It's a thin line.
For me, I want to lose 10 pounds for a few reasons. I feel sluggish and slow. I feel bogged down. AAAAAND it's partially for narcissistic reasons - I feel like I look better a bit skinnier.
Really, I think we all obsess a bit too much about it. I don't blame the media because I have my own brain, and I think it's just an easy scapegoat. Women and food are an interesting subject to think about!
I think for me it's about being proud of my body. I like to feel fit and competent. I work on the ground and in the saddle around horses, and feel like a bumbling idiot when I'm not in shape. Plus, when I'm pudgy I have a much harder time getting into sex. I'm constantly thinking about jiggling where I shouldn't!
I just want to fit back into my clothes! I HATE being limited to my fat clothes.
I'm with bluespurrs. I'm 5'7 and usually 140-45ish lbs (size 8), but now I'm up to 155 (size 10), so I can only fit into my fat clothes. For me, losing weight is mostly about fitting into the majority of my clothes, but I also want to be healthier and less jiggly in general.
@ Boston Bee - size 10 is your 'fat clothes'?
Eek. I'm not going to tell you what size my regular clothes are! lol :P
For some women, the weight loss drive is undoubtedly due to societal and peer pressure. And yes, for some, it is about self hate and insecurity. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be healthy or lose weight, but okqueenbee, you are so right that a lot of times, we are so hypercritical when there is no reason to be.
I admit it; I want to lose weight for a combination of health issues and self esteem issues. My dad died waiting for a heart transplant three years after a massive heart attack, and my mom has had two open heart surgeries in five years. I am not obese, but I am overweight (5'2.5" and 144), and I need to do everything possible to avoid that potential fate. But I won't deny that even at my most fit, I wanted to be thinner. I did not grow into my weight until I was in about 8th grade, and yeah, kids are cruel. I definitely have a distorted image of myself as more overweight than I am. Realistically, I know that I need to lose weight to be healthier, but I have to constantly remind myself that I am still "skinny" by a LOT of standards. I don't know if I'll ever by completely satisfied with how I look because it is so ingrained in my mind that I am ugly, fat, etc. like I heard all growing up.
i think i was happier before i started losing weight, since i could eat with reckless abandon!
When i first started, i only wanted to lose weight so there wouldn't be as much contrast between Mr. Sew and I in our wedding pictures. shallow, i know, but I was 60 pounds heavier than him and horribly self-conscious (still am, a little). But once I started losing a little it became so much more than that. I have SO much more energy when I'm exercising regularly. I felt so much better, and even a little more powerful once I started gaining some muscle!
so I guess it's 50% feeling better, and still 50% self-image, just being honest. :P
Well, clothes are expensive, but more clothes can always be bought. My wadrobe is probably split in half on things that look best when I've lost weight and what fits better when I've gained.
Why? I wish I knew. The first 50 was to get my mom off of my back.
The next 10, probably from eating better and a lot of walking.
The unlost rest? Probably some undealt with crazy. I'd like to wear a particular size (not unrealistic, maybe one or two down from what I wear now), and see a particular number (also not unrealistic, it is at most 10lbs away on any given day). Both I guess are superficial goals, as opposed
Ok, maybe they're both unrealistic, as my body seems to have said "oh hey btw I am done with the weight losing at this rate", and my thighs have been large since I was a wee-surkim. I'd probably have to take up working out/gymratting to get any additional results.
I'd say the same thing. I spent at least an hour at the gym before I met my fiance. After we met, it was a lot less often and I ended up quitting the gym. Coupled with his wonderful meals that he loves to cook, I put on about 10 lbs. I've lost most of it now. I definitely felt a kick in the butt after trying on dresses to get in better shape. I'm incredibly motivated by the dress. I visualize it when I work out. I want to make this a lifestyle change though because the most important part really is being healthy.
I gained a lot of weight when FI and I first started dating, I was almost 200 lbs. That scared me and I began to watch what I was eating. I lost about 10 lbs there, then another 15 lbs from living in Northern Ireland and walking everywhere for 4 months. I'm not at my ideal weight, 10 or so lbs away but I have dropped a total of 40 lbs and 6 pant sizes. But instead of being happy I'm constantly checking out myself in the mirror and staring at the jiggle in my legs wishing I was smaller. FI mourned the loss of my boob size and butt size lol
I was plus-sized when I met my FI and I am plus-sized now. However, I want and need to lose some weight. Not because I think I look awful, but because I want to be healthy and be around for my FI and our kids. I will never be skinny...I will LOOK skinny...but my ideal weight would still have me wearing a size 12/14. I am not worried abotu that though...I am worried about blood pressure, cholesterol, and running and playing with my kids...
I want to lost weight because i feel unhealthy, i feel lazy, and i feel unattractive. 2 kids has taken a toll on me (haha, more like a bomb exploded, my body is gone from having kids.....), like really badly! And you know, it is nice to feel like like your attractive. You know when your out and you get checked out, its nice! And I haven't had that happen in hmm, i can't tell you how long! Since I met my husband I've gained like 40 lbs, and I'm not happy about that. None of my clothes fit, and now by societal standards, i'm a plus size girl. I hate going shopping and not fitting into anything! I want to be able to go to a normal store and find some clothes. I haven't worn a swimsuit in public in about 3 years!!! I would really like to wear one again. I also want to lose weight because I don't want to be obese like my family. I'm on of the skinniest people in my family, and they have so many medical issues, i don't want to end up like that.
I've always been relatively happy with my weight and the way I look; I exercise and eat pretty healthy, with some splurges here and there :) However, ever since I got engaged it seems like people expect me to be actively dieting and losing weight! Like, when I ordered my dress the consultant asked how much weight I was planning on losing (I am a street size 6)! When I was like "uhhhh..." she said, "oh, so you're just toning up then?" I'm not gonna lie, stuff like that has definitely affected me; like I'll pass up a treat or a cocktail I'd usually not think twice about and think "ok, that's for after sept 18th".
I really shouldn't lose weight, but I always want to be skinnier. When I do lose weight, people make comments and tell me how tiny I am and it feels good.
I'd just like to feel healthier and look a little better ;o)
I was actually heavier when I first started dating FI. I think I was around a size 12 then (7 years ago) and now I'm an 8. FI has lost lots of weight since we've been together as well. I'm glad that we're committed to being healthy together.
Lissy, that's not a good thing... wanting to always be skinnier to get compliments, that is. I'm sure you look great as you are and I hope that if this progresses, that you seek help--it sounds like the start of an eating disorder. I'm not trying to pass judgment, I just don't want anyone to be unhealthy!
@imLissy, the tiny is fine, but I hate the comments. EVERYONE wants to know what/how/where/when/why you did it. What a pain. eta: I'm already worried that I'm fighting a bit of passed-down crazy, and after years of body-crap, I do not want any more.
I was out with BF's family, and they were talking about plus-sized shops. I go to tell them a story about when I shopped at plus-sized shops, and they wouldn't let me tell my story! Why? "You weren't plus-sized, what, plus for you is a 10?". Considering that I generally wear a 10, thanks for calling me fat.
BF put on the college weight, but since I've been cooking the past year or two, he's lost most of it. Now he's annoyed that people keep telling him that he's lost weight.
@surkim... I bet they weren't trying to say you were fat. A size 10 looks different on everyone. I'm 5'7 and pear-shaped, but have really long legs, so I typically wear between a 8 and 10, and I have people guess that I'm a 4-6. Take it as a compliment that they think you look good!
Haha, I'm certain they weren't, I was more being grumpy towards them cutting me off than anything else. Were I fully invested in my mother's crazy, I would probably have gotten pretty upset with them.
this is a great post! i actually almost feel guilty for wanting to lose weight before the wedding, because i think the media expectations are such crap and i don't want to buy into them and propogate them. that said, i've gained about 15lbs in the past year and a half when we moved in together and got our puppy, who required too much attention at first for me to have time to go to the gym. i really didn't realize it was happening--i'm happier than i've ever been, and i didn't even notice it in my perception of myself. but i'd be much healthier if i got back down to my old weight (or less--i've gained about 20-25 lbs since graduating from college and meeting fi). i'm not going to really diet though--i'm going to focus on eating healthier and smarter, and on going to the gym. so the wedding is just an excuse to take better care of myself, and not really the main goal.
I enjoyed reading your post!! You're right, why do we do this? Why do we go through so much pain & torture when our SO's are so happy with who we are?! I am a MUCH happier person since I've been with him, I agree with you completely. I've gained about 5 pounds, but I haven't done anything about it until now.
We're all our own worst critics, even if people think we're gorgeous, there's normally something everyone wants to fix about themselves (bigger boobs, smaller nose, straight hair, etc.) & weight happens to be one of them. I know my FI thinks I look great, but I think he'd be even more attracted to me if I lost those love handles...& that's what makes me want to do it. Plus, I just don't feel comfy in a bathing suit...I live in Panama City Beach & there are TONS of restaurants off the beach here, so usually we'll walk the beach & go to one...where everyone else is in their bathing suit, too. I just want to feel free & comfortable no matter what :) I think I'd feel so much better about my body afterwords.
But I do agree with you girl, & I'm glad you posted this.
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