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FI and I have a child together who is nearing his 3rd birthday. My pregnancy was unexpected but a welcomed surprise and we love our little guy very much. But, as we near marriage-dom, talk about expanding our family is becoming ever more frequent. The issue isn't that we don't want another child, it's that we don't know if we do. It seems that most parents with more than one have a strong desire for multiple children. However, because our first was such a big surprise, we're having trouble "knowing" if a second child is right for our family. Of course, there are costs and benefits to having one more more children. However, that's not the issue. Rather, how do you know if you want another?
So, barring any surprises, how do/did you know that you want/wanted more than one child? Have you always wanted more than one child? Did you do a cost/benefit analysis and it there were more benefits to having multiple children? Did you wake up one morning with the overwhelming desire to someday be raising multiple teenagers?
I do not have any children yet, but I know that my parents didn't want an only child- so I could have a sibling, learn to share, have a playmate, etc. My birth/pregnancy was planned, but it was a very difficult pregnany/delivery and I came very very early. My mom was not too keen on doing that all over again, but she really wanted me to have a sibling. I don't think it was a wake up one morning sort of deal, but something she had generally always hoped to have.
@love108: So your Mom decided to have another child because she wanted you to have another sibling? I mean, I'm sure that was a nice benefit, but was that the full-on reason for having another child? If so, great! But, for us, I don't think that would be enough to decide to TTC.
I don't have any children, but I know that I want multiple children because I loved growing up with a sibling. Two of my best friends were only children and they have always expressed wishing they had someone around to play with, talk to, ask advice, etc. I honestly cannot imagine growing up with just my mom and dad. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents but a sibling just makes life more interesting and less lonely! I want my children to have life long best friends and people they can always count on no matter what if something were to happen to my FI and I. I love my brother more than anyone in this world and I honestly know my life would be completely different if I didn't have him in my life.
My son will be 4 in August and as our wedding is in June, FH and I are IMMEDIATELY getting busy hahaha. I have always wanted a large family, I come from a larger extended family (my brother and I are the only 2 in my family) and it was just never a concern. I am the oldest cousin, and my family goes in ranges from 27 (me) to my cousins 3 month old daughter. There are 6 grandchildren and 6 great grandchildren in my family--27, 24, 23, 18, 15, 10, 6, 4, 3, 2, 1, and 3 months. SO. I never have truly thought about it!
My first wasn't planned either and he is now almost 3 as well. I started having baby fever around his 2nd birthday so we waited until the wedding to start trying. We also knew our little one would be such a great big brother. When I was younger and childless I figured I would either have 2 children or none at all. I feel like my siblings are the greatest gift that my parents could have given me so I really didn't want to have just one child.
We get enough back with our tax return with having another dependent to pay for all the extra child expenses throughout the year so we can put quite a bit aside for college.
I want a couple of children (2-4) but the final decision will be made when the time comes. Mr Rugbee & I both agree that children benefit from having siblings. They have someone to hang out with & learn from. We both really appreciate having siblings. Most of the single children I know are super spoiled/selfish but that's a bit of bad parenting aswell.
I also find the idea of having a bunch of kids apealing cause you get to see the full range of possibilities: I'm confident that Mr Rugbee & I will be good parents & I want to see all directions our children will take. I'm curious what kind of people we would raise.
The last reason for which I want to have a couple of children is a bit, well... unconventional. I listened to a lecture a few years ago about how, due to demographics (particularly that traditionalist religious sects have more children per capita), there is a serious risk that western society will desecularise in the next 2 generations... I want to do my part for my cause!
@aliavenue: I'd have to call her to find out exactly what was going through her mind in the 80s haha. But I think they just always wanted more than 1, could afford it (I mean, my dad had a good/steady job, made enough that my mom could stay home or work parttime). She had me at 29, my sister at 32. If it were earlier in the night, I'd call and ask! But I think they planned on 2... my dad built our house before either of us were born and made sure there was room for 2 :)
@theredhead: That is so wonderful you have that sort of relationship with your brother. My sister and I... well... she is three years younger but has a lot of growing up to do...still in a sort of teenager phase, and my maturity apparently is a threat, since I'm "against" her. Sigh. I hope as she matures our relationship will improve!
I have always wanted 3 kids and I come from a family with 3 kids. FI wants 2 kids and he's from a family of 2 kids. I think part of it is what you get used to.
I think it's important for children to learn alongside other children and I believe siblings help with social development.
Also, I would love to be blessed with both a boy and a girl to raise, for a variety of reasons. I haven't really thought about it beyond that! I just know I would like more than one. :)
I want to have more than one child because I want my kids to have siblings. I love my sister and brother so much. My brother was my best friend growing up, and having siblings taught me a lot of lessons. My sister has been there for me when no one else has, not even my parents. I think I would have learned the same lessons in other ways, but I like it this way.
I also just plain want more than one. I don't know why. I always have. So we'll see how it goes. We're kind of "go with the flow" when it comes to kids, so we may TTC once and then just let ourselves be surprised later. Or maybe we'll end up being surprised before we TTC and never end up trying. Maybe I'll have my first and decide I'm done, lol. Raising multiple teenagers at once sounds like the ultimate challenge, but I never back down from a challenge.
@Juliepants: The funny thing is that FI has 2 siblings and I have 3 but doesn't seem to be impacting our decision. I wish something would.
I want more than one kid because I don't want my child to have the "only-child syndrome". I know kids without siblings have a harder time adapting to other kids, vs adults.
Also, (this is the main reason), I know as a kid I probably would have been bored out of my mind without my siblings. Kids need someone to play with. As a result, it gives mom a bit better of a time (when they aren't fighting) becasue she isn't the one playing with them all the time if they have each other. A sibling bond is a strong one - I don't know what I'd do without my sister!
@HappierKate: my siblings and I were 18, 16. 14, and 12. My parents must really love a challenge!
I can honestly say that I will have more than one child because I don't want my one child to be an only child.
Siblings are extremely important relationships to have. I have a nephew who is an only child and socially behind and depraved of a lot of fun every day activites because he has no one to do them with. They live in a bad neighborhood and he isn't allowed to go out and play with the other kids. It makes me really really sad.
@love108: My older sister and I were like water and oil forever. We're six years apart and I'm the middle of three, so she really resented that my parents had me, and I resented that this stupid 9 year old was a bully by the time I realized she was being mean to me. Man, can't 9 year old girls just grow up?
But now we're so close. She started having kids at around the time that I really grew into an adult, and I think our relationship got a lot better around that time. So don't give up hope, the running joke of our family was "When Kate and D get along" instead of "When pigs fly."
@hisgoosiegirl: Wow, they definitely do! I bet they poured themselves some mega margaritas when the last one was out of the house...unless the last one is still home.
We are dealing with severe infertility, and are trying to work our way through this.
I have an almost 4 year old son from a previous relationship. My son's bio father is pretty much MIA, so he has been "dad" for half of my son's life.
I really wanted to have a child together, and to have someone to for my son to reminse with. Someone to share the load of taking care of their parents when they are older. Also, we both had siblings and while we are not close to any of our siblings, we really appreciate them.
But, it's so nice to be able to focus on our son. We can take him on vacations easily. When he starts with hockey and whatever else he gets into, we will be able to make every game without having to take a sibling somewhere else.
There are perks to both side. It just sucks when it isn't a choice.
I couldn't imagine my life with out my siblings. I want to have more than 1 child so they have each other. When I grow old I want to be able to have big family gatherings with my children and their future spouces and future children. I just think one child would Be lonely. What if something happend and me and my hubbie passed away. Our child would be alone. I know that is totally morbid thinking but i worry about strange things like that. I wouldn't want them to be alone I would want them to have a sibling, so they can be there for each other.
DH and I definitely want more than one child, he's thinking two or three, I'd have six if we could afford to!
My Dad is one of six, my Mum is one of three and as a result I have about 30 or so cousins all up (plus partners, kids, etc) and I LOVE having such a large extended family. I guess my reason for having lots of kids is that so my grandchildren will have a large extended family to enjoy.
I worked with a woman who was an only child and had only one child and I remember thinking how lonely her child must have been without any siblings or cousins to grow up with.
I don't have kids yet but I know I want at least two. It comes from both personal experience and what I have read and seen from only child.
I was pretty much an only child until I was 8. It was lonely at times, especially because my parents moved a lot during my early childhood and I played alone. I was really shy and an introvert. When my brother came along I played along with him a lot and he tuned out to be really social. This is what happened to me but is not neccesarily the norm. I'm not shy anymore and I'm a little more social.
I have seen other people who have siblings and had a special connection that I made me jealous at times but to each their own.
By no means am I trying to be a downer but I think its nice to have 2 kids. Even if you were to get pregnant your kids would be 4 years apart so they won't be at the same stage when they reach the teenage years.
Whatever you do its your and your FI's decision and no one should tell you how many kids to have.
Good luck on you upcoming wedding and your decision!
We will hopefully have several kids. We want bio and to adopt. I cant imagine my life without a sibling, my sister,while we did fight like siblings, so enriched my life I cant fathom just having one child.Anywhere from 2-4 for us hopefully!
@HappierKate: still home. youngest turns 18 in a couple months. But my sister is still at home too. And my brother lives down the road. So they've really only gotten rid of me.
DH and I definitely want more than one child, I'm hoping for at least 3, though who knows what we'll end up with as we're facing some fertility issues.
Part of it is definitely wanting kids to have siblings. I'm a middle child, and my siblings are 1 year older and 1 year younger than me. I don't know how my mom did it, haha! But having siblings so close was really great, they made for really great friends, and its nice not having to go through life alone. It just makes life more fun. Not to mention I think it teaches kids some important life lessons about things like responsibility, sharing, helping eachother, etc.
I also am just excited to see what types of people we will raise, haha. Each child will be so distinct and special, and I want to raise kids with different potentials.
I've always just imagined having a bigger family, and so has DH, I can't really explain much more why.
We want more than one child because I don't want my child to be an only child! I think there is something wonderful about having siblings. I've always pictured my family as a bigger family (at least 3 kids) as well. I feel like you either know you want another one or you don't.
@PitBulLover: What she said! I do not want my son to be an only child. The only difference is I want one more child. Two is enough for me.
My FI is an only child and he always wished he had a sibling. I have a sister who is my best friend and she had a baby young who is now 7 and one of my best friends :). I always tell FI 'two can have tea but three can have a party!' I want 3 babies because I think it's the perfect number.
DH is an only child, and I only have one sibling. There's a pretty good chance that our kids might never have any first cousins at all, we we figure they should at least have a sibling. Also, DH wasn't a huge fan of being an only child, so he's always wanted to create a larger family for himself.
Although we don’t have children now, we know that when we do we will have multiple (we want 4-6 actually, but I know that number always changes when you actually have them) I grew up in a family of four kids and he grew up in a family of five kids. We both loved it. I think back to all of the things I had done with my siblings, and I can’t imagine how different my life would have been without them. Even now, my sister is my best friend (even though we didn’t get along as teens). Being I had siblings I can’t really say anything for sure, but I imagine being an only child has got to be lonely. Imagine if, as an adult, when you were home the only person you had to talk to all the time was a child. It wouldn’t be a horrible life by any means, but it would be a lot more lonely than having your SO around. Now imagine being a kid, and only having adults to hang out with when at home, that just seems lonely. I guess I personally never had met a single child who while in school said, “yeah, I’m glad I don’t have siblings!” Take this for what it is, a grain of salt. Ultimately, it’s your guys’ decision and no one is going to make or change it for you. Just because you don’t feel the need to try now doesn’t mean you won’t feel the need later, but it also doesn’t mean you should have a kid just because other people say you should.
No children yet, but I've always imagined myself to be a mommy. It's one of the the "dreams" I had a child. Just something I knew I had in me. I really can't imagine having only one child. It's really not an option for me (unless there's medical reasons).
I have six younger siblings, so I guess i've always wanted more than one child because I think having an only child would be lonely for that child haha, I couldn't imagine being an only child
I never wanted children but had an unplanned pregnancy. My daughter is now 8 years old, and we're fairly sure we want one more child. Because I was young when she was born and the situation was less than ideal, I don't feel that I got to enjoy pregnancy and her earliest years as much as I could have. My SO is my daughter's daddy (her bio father has never been in her life) but he came into her life well past the baby years, and I want both to experience the whole thing with him and for him personally to experience it. It's not so much about giving my daughter a sibling - she'll likely be 12 by the time we have a baby, so I don't think they'll be particularly close - but it's about giving each of us this shared experience.
If money and time weren't an issue, it's possible we'd consider having two more children, but I suspect in light of our career choices (both in academia) it's unlikely we'll do so. The other issue I would have with having two more babies is that it's likely they would be fairly close in age and both very very much younger than my daughter, and I would be concerned about the family dynamics for her.
Like other bees said, because I don't want to have an only child, BUT also because we need to replenish FI's family! He's an only child, grandchild and great-grandchild (on one side). Also, I always wished to have more siblings than just my sister.
DH and I are on the fence. We both have 2 older brothers (Me and my brothers are 32, 30 and 24. DH and his brothers are mid-30s, 26 and 24. Both of us are the baby.) Neither of us are very close with our oldest brother. For us, the age difference was wide enough that they were adults and out of the house before we were very old. I was 8 when my brother left to go to college out of state. Both of us are really close with our middle sibling though.
We'll be having our first baby in the month or so. I think we both like the idea of her having a sibling but were taking it one at a time. If we do go for another one, they'll probably be 3-4 years apart. I like the idea of only one in diapers at a time and having one that can go to preschool or kindergarten while I have a baby at home.
I can't imagine only having one child. I grew up with 2 sisters and my life would probably be painfully boring (since i was such a shy kid) without someone to play with or talk to. There's pro's/con's to both sides, but the pro's of having more children easily out weigh only having one child. Right now I'm pregnant and I can't imagine only going through this amazing experience once! I also think that children that have siblings learn valuable lessons along the way. It's a good thing to learn that you're not the center of attention and need to share and whatnot. Besides, by the time my child graduates HS I'll only be 39...WAY too early (for me) to be an empty nester!
We would like at least 2 if not more. Children bring you so much joy, and they do grow up so fast. We want them closer in age. I have brothers that are 20 years older than me and one younger brother, I'm very close to my older brothers kids, who are closer to me in age, but i'm also close to my older brother's. I know that in tough times I always have someone I can go to, who has the same values and morals that I do, to talk.
I guess my parents gave us built in friends, that can rely on each other. It's never just me against the world, even after my parents are gone. My mom is already passed away and it was a major comfort having each other.
My sil is an only child, and she made sure they had at least 2. She said it was pretty lonely growing up, they lived out in the sticks on a non working farm, she never had anyone to play with, no one to teach her games, or look out for her.
Just some thoughts.
No children yet but I want to have 2 children (no more than that though). I have 2 siblings and I can't imagine live without them. We fight sometimes but we make up soon after. I think it's nice to have a sibling because our children can then play with each other, grow up together and rely on one another.
Very interesting topic!
I suppose I have a few reasons.
No kids yet but I know I want multiple because:
1. I have an overwhelming desire that I can't explain in any way other than I know I'd be heartbroken to have only 1 and if I couldn't conceive another I'd absolutely adopt without question
2. I grew up with a brother and a sister and it was AMAZING. I'm very close to both siblings, and growing up my little brother was the most fun person to interact with...my older sister had very different interests from me and we didn't play together much, but my brother was a constant source of fun. It was also like having 2 people who were devoted to having your back and being there for you, and who I wanted to be there for as well. I want that for my kids. My friends who are only children are super fascinated by the sibling bond, and for good reason--it's special, unique, and beautiful (on the other hand, only kids probably have a relationship to their parents I don't understand, but I just adored having siblings)
I always wanted multiple kids so it has never really been a question in my mind. I also have wonderful relationships with my siblings (there were times growing up where we fought but I can't imagine not having siblings in my life).
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