Post # 1
I just need to express my feelings to people who understand so thank you for reading and please feel free to give advice! I started dating my bf 3 years ago, we met when we were living in different cities and spent 3 months away from each other which was fine. He wanted to talk to me all the time, he loved me, etc. He was also in Kuwait and Iraq last year but we were not together because I found out he was still talking to his ex behind my back so I broke up with him 2 days before he left. That’s a whole other story. Anyways, while he was gone he emailed me and called me as much as he good, told me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me, and successfully tried to get me back. I have done a lot of healing alone and we have done a lot of work together. As of this summer when he was finally home, I wasn’t sure it was going to work because of the broken trust. The 3 weeks before we moved him up to Boston for business school were wonderful. I finally felt completely in love with him again and I knew without a doubt that he was all I wanted. He was acting the same way. Talking sweetly to me, sad about leaving me and us being apart etc. I wasn’t worried about the LDR at all because I just wanted to be with him and I am fine having my own time especially when I know we will be together at the end. It has been a week, ONE WEEK and I’m already feeling like crap and feeling like my heart is broken. He is acting different. He’s not acting like he was and he can’t see the difference. He takes hours to answer my sweet text messages. On Sunday night he went to a dinner for school which I knew about, last text I got from him was at 9:30, over 4 hours after I sent him a text telling him I loved him and missed him, then I tried to call him at 12:30 and 1:00 AM before I went to sleep and got no answer and no return call. Found out the next morning he was out drinking. And he just doesn’t understand why I’m upset. He doesn’t call to say good night, when I do talk to him I’m just a burden and an annoyance. I have tried incessantly to explain to him that I am acting however I am because I am hurting, he has heard me cry multiple times, etc. But he just thinks he isn’t acting different and that I’m just freaking out and can’t handle being in a LDR. That’s not the problem!!!! The problem is that he was so in love with me when he had no friends up there and nothing to do, he wanted to talk to me all the time when he was alone in Kuwait and Iraq. But when he has other things going on, I feel like I am last on the list of importance. I just don’t get it. I know he loves me, maybe he just doesn’t love me enough. I just can’t deal with the fact that I opened up to him and let myself be completely in love with him again to just have this happen.
I’m sorry that this probably makes no sense and that I’m just ranting about random things. But has anyone else had this problem? Is it just not going to work or are we just in an adjusting period? Does he just not love me that much and want to spend the rest of his life with me like I thought? Am I just there for his convenience and he loves me so much and wants to give me attention when there is nothing else going on in his life? Because that is not real love to me. Any advice would be appreciated. I’m just hurting so bad that I let this boy back into my life after he hurt me and I thought he loved me and that the proposal would be in the next year (he was going to propose in december until I broke up with him) and we would live happily ever after. I have had my heart broken so many times. It’s too hard to keep opening up only to be crushed again.
Post # 3
LDRs are hard. My husband and I met my first day of college. We had a good warm-up for our LDR during summer breaks and internship semesters. We made it through those periods, dated all through school, and then he graduated and got a job while I stayed for grad school. We had an LDR for three years until he finally moved to where I got a job after school.
The hardest thing is having similar expectations. In my relationship, we both agreed that we wanted to talk to each other on the phone at least once a day. Sometimes that was only for two minutes to say “good night” and “i love you”. Other times it was a three hour conversation. There were definitely times where both of us were frustrated that the other had something else to do when we wanted to talk, but overall it worked for us.
From your post, it sounds like you want him to give more than he wants to. You want more attention than he’s willing to give. I don’t know either of you, so I can’t say why he’s doing this. Maybe he’s a more independent person than you, maybe he just doesn’t care about you as much when you’re not there… there are an infinite number of possibilities.
Remember that he’s adjusting to business school. If he just got there, there’s a lot of stuff he nees to get a handle on, in addition to his classwork. He does need to understand, though, that you’re his girlfriend and you deserve and need some attention if he wants to stay in a relationship with you.
All I can suggest is that you talk to him and say that the way you’re currently handling the LDR isn’t working for you. Figure out what you both want and need. If you have different ideas of what an LDR should be, and aren’t willing to compromise, then it’s going to be a very difficult road for you both…
Post # 4
I was kind of in his situation when I was in college. I dated (and moved in with) a guy in my hometown for 3 years, and went to college 7 hours away. I would go home to visit as much as possible, but because i was a full time student (and because traveling is expensive), it wasn’t very often. When I was home for breaks, we lived together, bought a dog, everything was fine… but when I was in school, he was constantly calling me and texting me, and it got a little annoying.
Don’t get me wrong; I loved him, and wanted to be with him & talk to him, but I kind of wanted to do it on my own terms… I still had a college life. I wanted to go to parties, and hang out with my friends, and I would ignote his calls while doing those things.
I didn’t particularly like talking on the phone with him every day… because a lot of the time we would run out of things to talk about. When you call people that often, you tend to run out of stuff to tell them, and it gets to be boring, depressing conversations about how much you miss eachother, and frankly, that can get really depressing. That’s probably why he’s kind of avoiding you.
If I were you, I would try to get my mind off of this whole situation as much as you can. Make the best of it, go out, have fun, and stop fretting over it. If he wants to be with you, he will call you and text you on his own terms, when he wants to talk.
This isn’t just about your feelings… It’s about his too. Give him a little bit of a break.
I hope this helps. <3
Post # 5
@michigosling: I have tried to express my expectations and concerns to him. At one point I even specifically said “what is going to make it hard for me and make me upset is if you aren’t answering my calls because your out or if you’re not wanting to call me” he said, that’s not going to be a problem. That won’t be the issue. Guess what??? How did you guys get your expectations through to each other and get on the same page? My problem is that he was completely different to me when he had nothing else going on. And I totally understand that business school is going to take up a lot of his time and all that and that he needs to adjust. However, the things where he was out and I didn’t hear from him, he was with frat brothers from undergrad that he wasn’t super good friends with and hadn’t even seen or really talked to since he graduated 5 years ago! These weren’t new bus. school friends or school events. So that makes me feel like crap. I thought we were on the same page….but i guess not.
@robinlinz: you are right that I need to get my mind off the situation. He doesn’t like talkign to me because I am mad every time we talk. But I am mad for what I think are legitimate reasons so it’s like this vicious cycle. I’m trying to give him a break but he’s not a 21 year old in college just having that experience for the first time. He’s 27 and should be able to put some effort into a relationship that he supposedly wants. I’m not angry that he isn’t calling me, i am hurt and upset that he doesn’t want to talk to me more.
Post # 6
@mc77 Wow, I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve already tried to tell him what you need out of the relationship and he isn’t keeping his end of the bargain… It sounds like he may need another reminder that LDRs take work from both sides. If you’ve told him how you feel, and he’s not concerned, then I think that’s a problem. Personally, I would feel like he wasn’t respecting me or my opinions.
Does he really want a long distance relationship? Do you know what his expectations are? It sounds like you’ve told him yours. If he isn’t willing to work out a problem with you… well, that’s not good.
You’d asked about how my husband and I got on the same page:
I think the biggest thing we’ve had on our side is communication. We’d always talk about what we were feeling and how the other was making us feel. Sometimes we might not agree with each other, but we were always able to see why the other one felt that way, and knowing that one of us was hurting the other one made that person want to change.I really believe you need to respect each other enough to not blow your SO’s emotions off. You both also need to be okay being wrong sometimes and able to say, “Yeah, you know what? You’re right: I am being really ridiciulous right now,” when the situation calls for it.
In your original post, you asked about if this was just some sort of adjustment period. It may be. I know for us, every time we saw each other and then had to separate again, the first month of re-adjusting to the long distance was HARD. After that, it got easier. This may be how your boyfriend is adjusting…. but it’s not okay that it’s making you feel neglected and unwanted.
I wish I knew what to tell you about your boyfriend… Without knowing either of you, it’s impossible to make an accurate assessment of the situation, though. I’m sorry he’s changed so much since going off to Boston, and that you’ve had your heart broken by him once before. I think my honest advice would be to take a good look at how he’s treating you, and ask yourself if that’s how you want to be treated for the next few months, years, and ever after.
Post # 7
@michigosling: Thank you so much for responding again! I do feel like he does not respect me or my opinions. I feel like I don’t matter. I cry to him (and I am not a crier, it takes something serious to make me cry) and he doesn’t really even try to make me feel better. What you said about you and your husband is exactly what i want. When you knew one of you was hurting, it made you want to change and you didnt want the person you loved to hurt! That is how it’s supposed to be. He just keeps trying to convince me that he is doing nothing wrong and that he is acting no different at all. I was looking through old emails and found one from almost a year ago when he was overseas and tryign to get me back…
“i like writing to you sweetie 🙂 i write to you at least twice a day
sometimes (email and regular). you are never a burden or annoyance. i
definitely didn’t write you a lot when i was working in dc… because
there was never enough time to write things moved so quickly there.
but i wish i did write more thinking back. you are such an amazing
person and an awesome girlfriend that i would never want you to feel
like a burden at all. i’m sorry that i did that. but as you can see
it’s no longer the case 🙂 and it won’t be ever again i will never let
you feel like anything but a princess, i am serious about that.”
Why do guys say things they don’t mean? I guess maybe he is just not that into me. I have tried to find out his expectations but a big problem with him is communication. It has gotten better but he is not good at showing me he loves me when he is not with me. I have expressed this concern to him over and over. He does not want to do a LDR, but he wants to be with me. He has done long distance in his two other past serious relationships and hated it and he doesn’t want to do it. He wants me to move there but I’m not willing to pick up my life here where I am perfectly happy when we were just broken up for a year and when things are not solid and stable 95% of the time. So I think part of it is that he thinks everything would be fine if I lived up there and he is annoyed that I won’t move with him. But the way I see it, if you can’t get through a LDR then you shouldn’t be together. You don’t want it that bad. I just can’t go through feeling like he made me feel when he acts like the excerpt from his email above, to him getting annoyed with me because I am upset that he doesn’t even want to call to say good night…what does that take? 30 seconds? I guess my big problem right now is, which is it???? The way he made me feel less than a week ago or this? I will absolutely not continue with it if it’s this…Again, thank you so much! It helps me a lot to get my feelings out and doing this is better than emailing him all my feelings over and over which I’ve already done today and last night!
Post # 8
ps. that email isn’t the only time he’s been sweet to me in the past year btw! I’m not that much of an idiot to stick around for that. it is just very ironic because it is completely applicable to now. I feel like a burden and an annoyance and i have told him that. I also forwarded him the email to show him that I’m not just imagining that he has changed how he acts toward me.
Post # 9
@mc77: Of course!!! I’m glad that I can use my experiences to help out other people. I”ve had other people do it for me enough!
It sounds like he’s not able to admit when he’s wrong. The email he sent was super sweet, but I think he may have just been feeling lonely overseas and looking for someone to care about him. I don’t know that he didn’t mean it– he probably did then. It seems that things have changed in his life, though, and he no longer feels that way about you or your relationship.
That makes sense about him not wanting an LDR– they’re a lot of work and a huge pain. The only time I’d ever recommend them to someone is if you KNOW that what you’re getting out of it is worth all of that work, crying and missing each other. If he’s done one before, and didn’t want to do it again, then I guess I don’t understand why he agreed to do it… Maybe he really does love being with you when you’re in the same place and does love you, but just isn’t able to handle a LDR?
I don’t know if I believe that a relationship not working long distance means you shouldn’t have the relationship. I think there’s a lot that goes into a good relationship, and some relationships just wouldn’t work under the constraints long distance puts on them. That doesn’t mean they’re not good relationships— they DO work in normal conditions, and if you’re not going to have to be long distance, then why worry that a relationship won’t work long distance?
That said, long distance IS an issue for your relationship. You need a relationship that will work within the constraints you have, and this one isn’t right now. I think it’s AWESOME that you’re not willing to sacrifice your life and your happiness for the chance at having a great life with him when he’s been acting this way. Given your history, I think that’s definitely the smart choice. Those three weeks may have been bliss, but I don’t think that’s enough time for you to get a good evaluation of how your relationship would hold up long term and if he’s someone you’d want to leave your life in VA behind for.
You deserve someone who will respect you, and be honest. When’s the next time you’ll get to see him? I think you two need to have a talk about this and see if long distance is something you BOTH want to continue with. It might be hard to “waste” your time together talking about your problems, but if it’ll make the time you spend apart better, I think it’s worth it.
Post # 10
@michigosling: The thing is, he thinks it’s me that can’t handle the LDR. I think he thinks I’m expecting too much. I know I can be high maintenance I will readily admit that. But I also don’t think I’m asking too much, especially given our past. I’m not telling him I don’t want him to go out at all, I’m not saying I expect a 2 hour conversation every night (I don’t even expect that once a week!) I just want to feel like I matter. That’s all. I think you’re right that he was lonely overseas and felt that way at the time. He had nothing else to focus on over there. But it’s just so strange because he was acting that same way to me also when we were here in DC and when we were moving him up. He was also acting that way the first couple days he was there. Now he has other things to focus on and so I fall to the bottom of the list. I don’t think it’s that he can’t handle a LDR I think he is just not willing to put the effort into it. But from my perspective, if you love me enough, you will be completely willing to put the effort in. The 3 weeks were definitely not enough for anything. That’s what I told him in one of my emails. I’m not willing to commit to someone who only makes me feel that good a few weeks out of the year. Granted, I think a big reason I didn’t feel that good before is because I had walls up. But I have no problem taking the walls down if he makes me feel like I’m the love of his life and that he wants to be with me forever. I expressed this to him a few weeks ago, we had a big discussion about it because he said he didn’t feel like I loved him or really wanted to be with him and I felt the same way. That’s when the changes started happening. We both tried to show each other our feelings more and things became wonderful. Then WHAM! gone again. I am supposed to go up there the first weekend in October so in about 3 weeks I guess. I try to have talks with him all the time but he is not a talker, I am (clearly by all this I’ve been saying haha) so it causes problems. The only thing he’ll say when I ask him what he wants to be different and how he wants thing to be long distance is “i want you to stop being so mad all the time”. My concerns are not addressed for real, he just wants me to not care that I’m hurting and get over it. I have tried to have the conversation about whether or not he wants to continue with this and I have told him that if this is how it is going to be that I can’t do it. He just doesn’t want to deal with it. he is shutting down. I said I don’t want to be someone that he is just dealing with and he told me to stop being someone that has to be dealt with or something like that. I’m like, I am acting like this for a reason. I am hurting. But you just want it to stop, you don’t want to fix it. He just needs to decide what he wants. I know what I am willing to deal with and not deal with but I just don’t know where he stands because he won’t be clear about it so it leaves me confused and wondering what is really going on!!!! I think I am just really freaking out especially because I don’t know where he stands, I don’t know if he is willing to put in the effort, I have no clue if he plans to fix things on his end (I know I need to work on some things too) so I am freaking out because I had it in my head that my future was set and now it is all crashing down around me and the thought of having to start over again is killing me. The unknown is killing me. I want to be with him so bad and the fact that he may not be willing to put in the effort is killing me.
Again, thank you for letting me talk and for responding so much! You are very right, venting to strangers definitely helps!!!!