Why does everyone seem to think it's always DH/FI/SO's job……

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

MrsEME:  I completely agree with you!! We are all adults and if you can’t have an adult conversation with your in-laws/family what is going to happen in the future?! I have an open relationship with my future in-laws. They live pretty far away and we don’t see them too often but if I have a question that needs their answer…I ask them.

Post # 3
Member
4581 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I completely agree with you!! I have a great relationship with my future in laws. I actually talk to them more than my FI does. But we also have a weird family situation since both of my parents have passed away and so has his mom. The people I consider my in laws are his step dad and his new wife. So maybe it would be a little different if they were biological parents? 

Post # 4
Member
5032 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2050

MrsEME:  I think a lot of the time, that advice is given because the in-laws are harassing the poster about something that is the poster AND their partner’s decision. Why aren’t the parents going directly to their child to begin with? Either they don’t want to start crap with their little darling, or they figure anything wedding related is the female’s business. So I see nothing wrong with re-directing them. Why should the in-laws take it out on me if they want to invite their 2nd cousins but the budget doesn’t allow for it?

Plus, there is usually already a slightly adversarial relationship between in-laws. Parents worry about their kids and want the best for them. This often means they’re wary of their children’s spouses. Is this temptress going to betray my precious pumpkin? Is this lunkhead taking proper care of our little girl? Even when the families get along, these feelings can still simmer, sometimes even subconciously. So having the “insider” handle uncomfortable conversations can alleviate further marginalizing the “outsider.”

I get along fine with my in-laws, and my husband gets along fine with my family. I think a large part of that is because our deal has always been he handles his side’s BS and I handle my side’s BS. Most of the BS is pretty much life-long stuff anyway — why drag the new kid into that? No reason to.

Post # 6
Member
1181 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I agree with you on most aspects. However, my fiance is the one who’s known his mom since birth. I like to run things past him before I go on to his mom, and sometimes we will decide it’s best if he talks to her, especially if it’s a sensitive issue. As far as his dad goes, that man is nuts. He has PTSD from Vietnam and it’s pretty bad. The man has really weird views on a lot of things, and talking to him drains a person after 10 minutes. It’s sad and I thought I could magically help him for some reason. Anyway, I have issues with a lot of his actions and what he has to say. I’ve tried talking to him, but he will only listen to my fiance. That is, another man. I don’t get offended easily, but when I do, it’s all up to my fiance to go to bat for me. Which he has no problem with. I’ve already told my fiance that his dad is not allowed to bring flavor of the week to our wedding, no matter “how in love” they are. He loves himself a drunken floozy. There is no way I am going to bring that convo up!

Post # 7
Member
1864 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I agree with you to a certain extent. However, I do think that sometimes, your husband knows his family well and knows how to deal with the personalities of his own parents and siblings. 

I say this because of experience. I’ve been married for 8 months now and my in-laws were never the “welcome to the family” arms wide open type. It’s pretty obvious that they consider me their “brother’s wife” rather than a SISTER-in-law. My husband and I had arguments about them over the months, and he always took my side and even admitted that his family isn’t easy at letting new people come in. Especially because he knew how badly I wanted to have a relationship with them, especially his sister. 

A month ago, I was visting my family in another state and he had gone over to his parents house for the weekend without me. Well, he basically called a family meeting which consisted of his parents and his SIX siblings and told them that he could sense that they weren’t “welcoming” me into the family the way they should be and that I’m a very nice person that is now a part of “us”. He stressed that they needed to make a better effort at making me feel like I was one of them, and I couldn’t believe when he told me they agreed that they probably weren’t being the most welcoming because they’re just like that, very clanny and close to one another. His one and only sister even admitted that she could be doing a better job at making me feel welcome and actually try to get to know me. He said he told everyone that they need to ease up on me and stop making me feel like I was JUST their “brother’s wife”. He even got teary eyed in front of them all when he was telling them how much he loves me, awesome I am, and how I’m not going anywhere. 

Well, whatever he said at that family meeting hit something with everyone because I can honestly say the last few times I’ve been there, have actually been really pleasant and awesome. Their guards were down and they weren’t quiet around me, they were interested in things I had to say, his sister and I bonded more in the past few times I’ve seen her than I have in the entire time I’ve known her. And everyone being so chill makes my normal bubbly personality come out since I’m not sitting uncomfortably, and it’s honestly great. 

So, I agree that there are times where it’s important that you resolve your own conflict with the in-laws, but in a situation like mine, it really took a deep, heartfelt talking to with his own family to get them to ease up on me and not make me feel like I’m being initiated into a fraternity. 

Post # 8
Member
1181 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Diamond84:  Your story brought tears to my eyes. You have a keeper!

Post # 9
Member
1864 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

aoppenhuizen:  Awww thank you!! I really do… he’s so great!

When we first met and he told me he had such a big family, I loved it. I’ve always loved the idea of a big tight knit family. So he understand how sad I was to see that after we got married, I still felt this wall being put up by them and there was that huge disconnect. So happy that things are getting much better now! 🙂

Post # 12
Member
6626 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Duplicate

  • This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  eeniebeans.
Post # 13
Member
6626 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Just because I married my husband, doesn’t mean I have to sort their family shit out. Every family has drama, and unless I am directly involved in it- I’m staying out if it. 

Post # 15
Member
5207 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

MrsEME:  I agree. It hurts to see the ladies on here who still refer to their ILs as “his parents”. You don’t have to like your ILs (does anyone like their biological family members 100% of the time?) but they are your family once you get married. In fact I think it’s a matter of respect to settle conflicts on your own. Your SO shouldn’t be put in the position where they have to choose between their family and their spouse. 

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