Post # 1
Lately I feel like I’ve been getting a lot of garbage from people about being 20 and engaged. I don’t think that there is any reason for me to “justify” my decision. I find it incredibly rude that people ask my why I’m “rushing” or why I can’t just “wait a few more years”, or other variations on a theme. It is in no way appropriate to make comments like that. Do 30+ brides get interrogated in such a way? I’m so frustrated that people think that just because I’m “young” they can judge me, spout off useless advice, and critique my relationship. I’m especially bothered by the critiquing of my relationship. I find myself explaining to nosy individuals that I am in love with a wonderful man and spouting off a relationship “resume” because somehow they’ve put themselves in a position to pass judgement on me.
Just a vent. It’s better than the alternative.
Post # 3
What’s the alternative? Just always wonder what peoples alternative option is.
People question. It will happen at every age and it’s not completley a bad thing. It sucks but there’s no way to avoid it so you just have to approach it with confidance. But not in a snippy way because then you reaffirm their assumptions (at least in their mind).
Post # 4
I understand! It’s so frustrating for sure! I just ignore them. People will always be passing judgement on others for something.
Post # 5
I feel your pain! I got engaged last Christmas…I was 18. All my family and his family were more than happy and in fact half of them were saying “About Time!” but other people like non-relations won’t shut up! I feel as if they’ve stuck me under a spot light, in a chair in a dark room! I figure they feel asthough we don’t have “much life expirence” and have no idea what we are getting ourselves into, so basically now if someone wants to lecture me on my decision I just smile and say “I’m inlove, that’s all that matters” 🙂
Post # 6
I’m 34 and FH is 41 and we got “Are you sure?” questions, too. I’m sure part of what you’re experiencing is people who have experienced themselves changing (and a bit of self-discovery) in their 20s and want to make sure you’re certain you’re comfortable with you before dedicating your life to someone else. If you’re secure in yourself and your relationship then these nosey nellies shouldn’t be a problem.
Post # 7
lol, the alternative being… idk, lol, kinda like when your mom said “clean your room… or ELSE!”
I just never expected it from people like secretaries at the office who I see like once a week, who don’t even know how long I’ve been dating FI. I can understand “concern” from family or close friends, but it’s the, for all intents and purposes, strangers that I just get so annoyed with.
Post # 8
Yeah I’m full of empty threats too, but sometimes I have something in mind.
Just keep your poise, it will make a much bigger impact on them to not treat them disrespectfully back but still talk confidantly in your decision. I wouldn’t over defend my decision either or give a resume, just say it simply or make it a joke (not like laugh in their face but something they can laugh along with). You’ll make too many enemies if you hold it against people everytime they say something somewhat innappropriate.
Post # 9
I got married young the first time. We were engaged at 20 married at 21. I heard it all the time and I got annoyed by it. Now that I am divorced and older I can see why nosey people ask that. I really don’t know why they waste time asking because I didnt listen and no one listens. It kind of goes in one ear and out the other because your mind is made up and people live in the moment, not tomorrow. I am sure there are plenty of people who married young and stayed together forever. My marriage didn’t last partly because of the age we married and partly because we just didn’t get along. As we get older we understand more about what we want in life. Sometimes our values change and so do our motivations. Thus this is the reason people ask. If you are sure the two of you will be able to grow together without growing apart at the same time, then don’t listen to what they say. Keep doing what you are doing. Congrats on your engagement.
Post # 10
@edisonsgirl: I couldn’t have said it better.
Although I’m only 22. I’m still young and I just let it go.
Post # 11
I’m not sure that I really believe age has a whole lot to do with anything. My mother married young and divorced young. But they divorced because he was abusive, not because they were young. My aunt married young and divorced young. But they divorced because he was a violent alcoholic, not because they were young. My cousin got married young and divorced young. But they divorced because he was cheating on her, not because they were young. My friend married young and divorced young. But they divorced because their marriage was forced upon them when she got pregnant, not because they were young.
I don’t think that age really has much to do with those situations. Maybe in the sense that if they’d waited longer, they would have seen signs of what was to come, but then again, maybe not. With my mother she said her ex-husband changed overnight. Once they were married, that was it, no more going out, no more socializing with friends, none of that. She was not to be with anyone but him and was not allowed to even speak with her family much.
I think that maturity is really the key factor, as well as committing, not age. My mother and father, her second husband, have been happily married for 25 years. They were quite young too when they married. But he’s not abusive to her, he doesn’t cheat on her, lie to her, etc. He is good to her, she is good to him, and they both are very committed to making their marriage flourish.
It’s completely frustrating to have folks immediately judge me and interrogate me about my relationship simply because I’m young.
Post # 12
I can see how that would be frustrating. Probably just as much as a 30+ year old getting asked why they are single. At each age we face criticism by other who “know bette”. Keep your poise and know that you love your FI and that is all that matters, not all those other people.
Post # 13
I’m going to disagree with you on that one. Being older gives you the experience of seeing peoples personalities come out and change and be able to better predict how people are going to grow and change (and also how you’re going to grow and change) so you can see the signs of controlling and abusive personalities. Cheating I think is a strong sign of being married before you were ready. Yes there are plenty of people who are older and not ready but you’re more likely to be unready at a younger age.
Post # 14
Geez… haven’t we had enough of these threads lately?
I’m a young bride (22) so I know what you’re talking about. The criticism goes hand in hand with being a young bride. Just toughen up and ignore it. Who cares what others think anyway? It’s your decision, not theirs. My usual response when someone is like “Well, I dont see why you can’t wait/I think youre too young/etc” is “Well, I’m glad it’s not your decision, then.”
Post # 15
@zippylef: My thoughts exactly.
Also, if you are starting a thread to complain that people don’t understand maturity and commitment, you may want to come up with a better analogy for the alternative than referencing how your mom used to say “or else” and starting the sentence with IDK LOL. It’s hard to take that seriously! I can understand how frustrating it must be when people question your life; people did that with my FI and me when we started dating. Sometimes others can see what we ourselves are blind to, but ultimately, no one can make your decisions for you. Keep your chin up, but you may want to be more self aware about how you present yourself. Arguing that age doesn’t matter is the mark of youth — it does, and only by accepting that and dealing with it head on can you get past it. I hope people stop questioning you and that it gets easier for you and your FI. This should be such a happy time for you!
Post # 16
@zippylef: shes just looking to vent. If it bothers you don’t read it.
@Akennedy01: I get it. Seriously! I’m so sick of heaing how many years I clearly have left before I should be engaged at some age deemed appropriate by the general public. It’s so easy for people to say just ignore it. It sucks. You want to tell those people to shove it where the sun don’t shine because it’s not their decision and who asked them anyways!? The best advice I can give you is to speak more often to the people who support you and speak less to people who don’t. Remember that you are not the only one and that us young brides understand why you are getting married and we are here to encourage you!