(Closed) Why does he HATE me all of a sudden!?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5581 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Some guys don’t show you who they really are until they feel they really have you.  

In your FI’s case, it sounds like becoming engaged was that threshold.

My recommendation is that you see a counselor by youself.  No couples counseling with him–he’ll use what you say against you at home.

 

 

Post # 4
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I actually suggest seeing a couple’s counselor together. None of this sounds like “red flags,” but it all sounds like fixable communication issues. Basically, you two are fighting because one of you will read too much into, or just incorrectly read what the other is saying. Example: your interpretation of his reaction to Hawaii, his interpretation of your saying “tonight?”.  You can fix this, but it is coming equally from both sides, yours and his.

Post # 5
Member
10369 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

It sounds like you guys are getting wrapped up in a “I’m right, no I’M RIGHT” battle over this. Sometimes being right isn’t the most important thing. Being kind is. Have you tried actually asking him whats going on beneath the surface instead of egging on the fight?

Post # 6
Member
5983 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

How long have you guys been together?  I find it crazy that all of this stuff just started rearing it’s ugly head now, but then again, maybe getting engaged and married is freaking him out a little bit, not that he doesn’t love you, want to be with you, but the commitment itself can be daunting…it’s no excuse to take it out on you, but still….maybe moving from the engagement to marriage is feeling a little fast for him as well???

 

Post # 7
Member
9625 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Communication issues can be worked out.  One key difference in the way men and women communicate is emotionally.  Women tend to see the whole picture and feel all the requisite emotions, interpret them and speak them out a lot more rapidly than men do.  Men may feel an emotion but may need time to process what they’re feeling.  If pushed, some people tend to jump to anger or defensiveness automatically, which sounds like what your FI is doing.  This doesn’t make him a bad person, however, it just makes him different from you.  This isn’t a right/wrong situation so don’t make it into one.  You can learn to communicate better with him in a few easy steps:

Realize you, as a woman, will jump to an emotional conclusion sooner than he will, for the most part.  But a lot of times logic and not emotion is the best way to communicate a heated subject.

When you see he’s getting agitated, back off and give him some space.  Watch your tone of voice as well.  Be respectful, calm and logical when you talk with him to give him time to process what you’re saying.  Overreacting emotionally will cause him to shut down and you don’t want that, so don’t push him into a corner.

I’m not saying you’re doing anything wrong, either, but since you’re the one who is asking the question and is concerned, then you are the one who can find the tools to build a better relationship from here.

When you argue don’t bring up the past.  Don’t get defensive and don’t jump on every little thing he says.  Let him know, however, that your feelings and thoughts count equally to his.  Let him know also that when he gets overly angry or disprespectful it hurts you, emotionally, because you are a woman and have your own special sensitivities.  If he loves you it will matter to him.

Take it for granted that he loves you and wants what is in your best interest.  If you come off as insecure that will make communicating much more difficult.  Stay calm and confident and tell him you respect him, love him and want to make things better going forward. 

You have a lot of control in this situation if you will see how you’re contributing to it.  You can contribute something positive towards your communication skills as a couple or you can contribute negativity.  It’s your choice, so be aware of that.

No more walking off in a huff, calling him when you’re hysterical or silent treatments, ok?  The best way to get someone to respond to you maturely is to behave maturely yourself.

Post # 8
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Ah, yes, to piggyback on cray’s comment, “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be loved?” As hard as that can be to swallow (I love winning a good old-fashioned argument)…you cannot have both. 

Post # 10
Member
2274 posts
Buzzing bee

He is obviously in a “mood”, so don’t be combative, or sarcastic (asking, “tonight?” after he said he was coming to bed is very similar to asking, “are you EVER coming to bed?”). Just give him a little space and let him sort himself out. If the issues persist, then maybe you two need to talk to a counselor.

 

Post # 11
Member
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

It sounds like stress talking, on both ends, becasuse both of you are nitpicking at each other. 

If it continues I would discuss better ways to communicate, read communication books, or even sit down with a counselor. 

But, to be honest, I think this will pass. It sounds like you two are too stressed, and spending too much time together. Perhaps a weekend apart would help relieve the tension. 

Post # 14
Member
6209 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

I don’t think you guys are ready to get married, tbh. He should be able to communicate in a civilized manner.

 Also, if you don’t want to go to hawaii, you shouldn’t have suggested it.

Post # 16
Member
904 posts
Busy bee

It kind of sounds like you are a bit negative yourself.

You suggested Hawaii. He was enthusiastic and positive. You rained on his parade and were mad because he didn’t like YOUR suggestion.

He mentioned he was happy for his coworker who got promoted. You picked it apart and made it negative. Aside from that, I don’t understand why you feel the need to argue with him about what goes on at his workplace. 

Then you made a snotty comment to him when he didn’t come to bed right away (“Tonight?”). Uncalled for.

I think you may want to tone it down! I’d be frustrated with you, too.

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