Post # 1
My fh and I are getting married Sept 3, 2011. Our wedding will be modest. About 100+ ppl. I’m thankful for my family being there to chip in help us along the way. Though we don’t walk the typical american dream we love each other and one day we’ll get there.
Issue is that my cousin “was’ getting married the same year as us. Not a huge problem. My aunt told my mom and dad the wedding would be in baltimore, md. My parents were planning to go but I wasn’t since I have my own ish to worry about and being unemployed puts a damper on ALOT. Well that “wedding” was going to be in October. But now. SURPRISEEEE BISHESS!
My aunt called a month ago saying that the wedding is now in August and they are going to the Virgin Islands. I’m like WTH? I know I know I’m supposed to be happy and whatever but it’s like everything in my wedding is getting compared to his. Kinda like oh mine is gonna be like sh*t.
I have always played second when it came to my cousins from that one aunt. Her 3 sons could do no wrong. Oh they were popular and on the football team, voted in pageants, and I think one was homecoming king. They went on to join the military and are now lieutenants and whatever. Have good jobs….got good money. Sorry AUNT I wasn’t dealt that damn deck. I was NOT a popular kid in high school because I didn’t think being a fake a** bit** was cool at all. I was a typical artsy kid. I held resentment for them and still kind of do to this day (working on that) Point is – when it feels like something good is happening “somebody” has to poo on my sparkle. I’m happy that I’m getting married to someone I truly love but the emotions are really hard.
It’s like when I have a burger they gotta throw up a steak – when I have five bucks they gotta come in with five hundred, etc. etc. you get the idea…. Its really hard to be in someone’s effin shadow…it hurts….My mom has talked to me about it and reassures me things will be ok but I’m an emotional wreck. I had to block my cousin off of facebook just so I couldn’t see what they were planning or doing. I guess it may be jealousy..the fact that I can’t have the wedding of my dreams or get the attention I never got from my other relatives. It was always “cousin a cousin b cousin c!’ (we lived in the same city and I went to high school with cousin c.
I just feel…..bad……inadequate….like an epic fail 🙁
Post # 3
Dont be down on yourself. I am sure your wedding will be great! Who cares if they have more money. Money doesnt buy class!! It sounds like you will have a wonderful wedding with your closest friends and family. Which will be great fun. They will have a big fake show with fake friends! Dont worry and be happy!!! Never let someone rain on your parade, its your big day.. who gives a ras ass about the others!!
Post # 4
I am in a similar situation. I got engaged in August and am marrying in August. My cousin got engaged in Feb and is marrying in June. Her wedding is in WV. Mine in CO. Our grandmother cannot stop talking about how excited she is for her wedding and so excited I am going, but says nothing about coming to mine. She is in NM so it is not as far. I have asked straight up if she was coming and she starts talking about cousin’s wedding and another cousin’s graduation and she will do her best to make mine. Then she will go on about how my aunt is paying for a cottage for her at the resort they are getting married at and how nice it is going to be. Mine will be nice too, just different. It hurts my feelings.
Post # 5
@brenna1035: Understand completely….I’ve felt like this forever. It was always oh cousin c is doing this and that and he got a new job and his gf is a lawyer blah blah blah stfu….
It’s frustrating and as much as I try to ignore it it makes me hate ppl more – not all ppl but some lol. It gets burnt into your head and makes you mad. I guess it must be the years and years of resentment finally coming out :/
Post # 6
I hope this question does come out wrong, but I honestly want to know . . . is anyone else viewing it as a competition but you? Like, have people been saying, oh cousin’s having this fab event in the Virgin Islands, but excited’s wedding won’t be nearly as nice?
I just know what it’s like to sometimes feel like your career, bank account, house, whatever, doesn’t measure up, but you know what? Usually, no one else is thinking as negatively about it as your are. People realize that everyone has different budgets, different visions, and I don’t think people are going to be directly comparing every detail of your and your cousin’s weddings.
So anyway, i know you said this was just a vent–trust me, I’ve been there!–but I just wanted you to know that your wedding can still be everything you hoped for it. And it’s not a competition if you refuse to play.
Post # 7
I am a MOB and I am going to tell you something I have learned over the years. I never had an experience quite like yours, but… when I was in my 20s and 30s, I used to be very jealous of people that had bigger houses than I had, more money than I had, etc etc. I was always happy with what I had, but there still was this underlying jealousy of what I didn’t have.
What I have learned is this… What I used to see is the surface stuff. The house, the money, etc. It was the behind the scenes stuff that made me learn not to be jealous. Everyone I have ever been jealous of had some terrible thing happen to them- a husband dying, a divorce, etc. Just life events, but it made me realize that just because they have all those surface things- does not mean they don’t have problems and it doesn’t make them happy.
What you need to do is concentrate on the love you and your fiance have for each other. That will outshine the venue and decor at your wedding.
My daughter had a smaller budget wedding and yet everyone told us how happy she and her husband looked and how in love they are. It showed in their pictures. We had small centerpieces, very simple linens. I wouldn’t change a thing.Everyone had a great time! Concentrate on showing your love for each other and making a great day for you and your guests. Guests do not care about the most expensive venue and decor. They want to know you love them and want them to share the day with you.
It won’t be easy to get over your feelings, but you can do it.
Post # 8
Aww I’m so sorry. It sucks to be on the losing end. My cousins getting married this year, and hearing about how hers is going to be at a fancy hotel and gourmet etc. is such a bummer. We had a super budgeted wedding and it sucks to hear about her amazing one. Just remember that money doesn’t define a relationship- just because they’re having a ritzy wedding doesn’t make them a better couple.
Post # 9
@babylou: Well at first my mom said something about it. My aunt calls and I guess spews about all thats going on and my mom respectfully listens and then gets off the phone and vents to me about it. The thing is my aunt has always put her children before everyone elses. THey always had the birthdays and send cards expecting YOU to pay for gifts even if you were broke and in the street. They always had cookouts with people and let outsiders come into their home as if they were family. On top of that when major holidays came up everyone was always expected to cater to them. My mom would take her last DIME and send it to them as a gift and she didn’t send crappy presents yet as always when it came to me I got sent shiz. I’m talking about a $150 compared to 10 bucks at the most. It sounds trivial yes but as a kid it was devastating. It’s like the world revolved around them trying to compose this picture of an ass of kids and ppl who were supposedly all there for them.
Well from my mom it spread to my brother who pretty much put it “so they’re trying to boot you out the limelight huh? If it’s not one thing its another” Then it spreads like a festering disease to my mom’s side who talks and talks and talks and of course reassures me everything will be beautiful. Honestly they’re the only ones keeping me sane at this point.
I talked to my mom about the “feeding of information” and told her I didn’t want to hear anything about them or the wedding or whatever anymore. So she hasn’t talked about it since which was around the time my aunt called to tell her about the change in date and venue.
I’ve done a good job trying to supress the emotions but today I got triggered and relapsed 🙁
Post # 10
Honestly, it sounds like your mom and her sister (or SIL) have a seriously dysfunctional relationship that you and your brother had the misfortune to inherit.
The fact that your mom was “venting” about it to you, instead of being like, “oh hey, so and so changed their date,” says that she is stuck in the mode of viewing it as a competition.
I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do, especially if that’s the way it was the whole time you were growing up. That sucks. But, although you can’t control what other people do and say, you can control your own reactions to it. You can break the cycle of jealousy and competition! Telling your mom to stop feeding you details is a good start to that.
Post # 11
Thanks bees! Ahhhh I’ve calmed down and feel a whole lot better 😀 Reading everyone’s posts and a good chat with the Maid/Matron of Honor has definitely made me think and smile.