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There's a LOT of "kid" centric posts going around.
It seems if you don't invite kids you don't value family, merging of families, or are selfishly concerned about their behavior.
If you DO invite kids, then you are having a loving wedding where family is key and not self absorbed.
OK, both of those "CAN" be true... but they are not the exclusive truth. And the more these threads pop up, the more I am feeling hurt because while we would LOVE to invite kids, we can't... our venue won't support the 50-75 children that would be there. Not to mention the budget explosion for those 50-75 kids. In fact, I have friends whose family would fill an entire table. I don't have the space or budget for 4 tables to go to 4 families. As it is, we're pushing the limit with our over 200 guests... who are all VERY close to us and very important to us. That, and all the kids that would come... the 50-75 are friends kids. Our families don't have "children" anymore or yet.
I totally get that weddings are a merging of families, and for FI and I, we're actually more focused on the ceremony than the reception... we're more concerned about our "marriage" than a party. So, please, stop making me feel like a horrible person because the ability to invite kids isn't there. I'm pretty confident our friends will understand... so why aren't the usually loving bee's?
I really like kids. But I want to be able to interact with them when I'm around them. At a wedding reception, I simply won't be able to. It's too hard to think of ways to entertain them. And I'm having my reception at a small venue.
I definitely do not think that not having kids at your wedding means that you hate kids! At all! I'm sorry people are making you feel bad but you shouldn't :)
I completely agree with you. Many brides who have no kids at reception do so for reasons other than hating kids. I can see how posts that say things like "Well, WE'RE having kids, because we love them!" could make you feel attacked. But I don't think anyone means it in a judgmental manner.
For me personally, I would love to have kids there, but we have no children in the family and no friends with children. So I'll be having a kid-free wedding by default. I'm kind of jealous of all the brides who get to invite children :)
I don't hate kids but I don't like kids. I think of kids exactly how I think of any other human being. Some I like and some I don't.
Granted kids are usually more limited and cuter and more disruptive. But still. I only know two kids, one of them I like and one of them I don't like. We are having kids at the wedding because we can't avoid it (out of town guests) and I am sad about it because we are having an evening party where I hope people will drink and dance (I hate it when kids are on the dance floor for long because I like to dance) and we are going to have these people there who are attention sucks who I do not know and have zero relationship with and no realistic way to get to know them, you can get to know an adult at a party but not kids. Oh well. Nothing to be done.
I agree with you a bit KLP. People are free to voice their opinions, but like everything else wedding related the kids or no kids debate at your wedding is a personal choice.
We are only including kids 12 and older at our wedding. I didn't want kids there at all, but compromised with my Mom. I love kids and family, but don't feel that our wedding is the place for them to be. We are having a 5:30 ceremony with an evening reception. I want this to be primarily an adult event. I don't want to provide a babysitter to be on site because I feel like that is not my responsibility. Parents should find their own babysitters. I attended a wedding last summer where a babysitter was hired to sit with kids in another room, but 90% of the kids were dancing and hanging out with their parents in the reception!
Another reason we are not having kids at our wedding is because our wedding is more formal. We are having a cocktail hour, plated dinner (that's not inexpensive) and a band. I don't think it's the event for kids.
Like I said before. This is a personal choice and that doesn't make me a kid hater! :)
KLP: I feel the exact same way!! I'm a mother and I understand the whole parents love their kids thing...I really, really get that but I to am having a no kids wedding.
I totally understand your reasoning for having a no kids wedding.
Mines is that some ppl, not all, can not control their kids and I just want to be without that disruption for my day. Plain and simple.
Don't feel bad. I get it.
I definitely don't think that no kids = hate kids! We wouldn't be able to invite kids if there were a ton of them in our circle of friends, but we only have about 10 or so that are being invited, so it was a priority to us to make sure they fit in. I completely understand the people that don't want kids at their wedding, though. If there were a ton of kids that would have to be invited, we would definitely think about not including them on the guest list!
I agree with you. It's really hurtful that people interpret "adult reception only" as "we don't like kids, so don't bring 'em." And in all honesty, sure, there has to be some people that really don't like the thought of having kids at their wedding. But speaking for myself (FI and myself), we want kids at our wedding. But right now it doesn't look like that will be possible because of the cost and the guest list. As catering costs are concerned, there will only be a slight discount for a portion of the kids meals and the rest would cost the same as an adult meal, which is not in our budget and frankly it's wasteful. And we really need to keep our guest list to about 100 people, to keep the space comfortable for everyone. But we'll see.
EDIT: I don't mean this as a comment to other posts. I was referring to the response I get from people in general. Sorry, I guess I haven't been keeping up with the boards as much as I used to!
I think there are far more posts on this site about NO kids than there are about those including them. It's just another one of those things that most people feel very strongly about,but not usually until they're planning a wedding and thinking about location and budgets. I wouldn't take those opinions personally,tho. Most people do what's best for them.
haha don't let it get to you. remember, this is the judgment-free wedding board!
If you don't want kids there, that's great! Those that do, that's great too!
Don't feel like you have to reason or explain to others one way or another. Its perfectly acceptable to not have kids now a days. and I'm sure its a big thing depending on what region you live in.
We're not having kids and we're even planning on trying for our own shortly after the wedding! haha - don't sweat it :) I asked my cousins with kids if they wanted them invited or not -- and they all said they'd rather get sitters and have a good time kid-free! So that's what we did.
And honestly, I'll admit being selfishly concerned with their behavior. I've just never cared for them running on the dance floor during people's first dances, or being front and center in the pictures of the cake cutting, or crying during vow exchanges. - There's a wedding for everyone - some have kids, some dont! We're all getting married, and that's the important part. :)
I don't think anyone said no kids = I hate kids. There have been a lot of posts about why not to include kids, so I don't think it's unfair to have a post about why to include kids. We had kids and we had none of the problems people suggest might occur, but we had the reception in my IL back yard so cost was not an issue for including them, so if cost or space or there were a ton of kids, we might not have been able to include them, but I don't think it's bad to say or insulting to anyone to say that for me I was happy we could include them and it was fun having them around.
I agree with you. I think that it's a common restriction and completely understandable. We fight with our capacity numbers vs. guest list, and if we had more than five or six kids attending, I think we'd strongly consider making it adults only.
I mentioned this in a few other posts, but the only time it really irks me is if someone says they have a "no children 21 or under" kids policy. Young adults ages 18-21 aren't kids. That just offends me as a responsible, bill-paying, hard-working, engaged 20 year old very personally.
I can't understand why people think not having children at a wedding means you just don't like them. We're not having them and I adore them. We weren't concerned about their behavior. It was a matter of having their parents enjoy themselves. And a lot of children don't really want to be at weddings. Not only that, but my parents are paying for the venue, and they don't want to pay so much for kids that won't really eat a lot.
ditto @jennifer. i LOVE kids... i teach the best 6th grade girls at church for Sunday School... and i practically raised my baby cousins...
we aren't having kids at the wedding, because i think it's not a good time for them and it's not a good time for their parents! besides my cousin that is 8 years old... there will be no kiddies at our wedding.
I think kids are great, especially if they are our baby cousins, nieces and nephews. BUT all I keep thinking of is my friend's first dance and 3-4 tiny munchkins running around on the dance floor during a very romantic song :( Not sure where the parents were!
@lilyfaith I know some of that might be because of venue restrictions. If we have anyone under 21 at our reception we have to pay another 500$ dollars.
So we're just lying and saying our 20ish cousins are 21. But don't necessarily blame the bride&groom - they may have "no 'kids' under 21" rules because of budget restrictions.
I get this vibe too haha
I like kids well enough. I'm going to have my own someday. But in my personal opinion, a formal evening wedding is not a place for children. In my family, a wedding is a big party (we're Irish) and you don't bring your children. We NEVER went to weddings as kids. My parents got dressed up, called a babysitter, and went out for the night.
I would imagine that kids would be bored out of their minds at my wedding. The ceremony is in a park, and the reception is at a country club. There's going to be an open bar and fancy food. Not really the best time ever for a kid.
edit @lilyfaith: we're considering anyone under 15 to be a "kid" as that's my youngest bridesmaid. Typically I would consider 16 or 18 and under.
Honestly I would LOVE to have a kid free affair with a more adult atmosphere, but that's not because I don't like kids. However in my case, family politics meant that I'd need to do this and it's not worth it enough for me to fight with it.
@sahsabahs - thanks for posting that! Those sorts of restrictions make much more sense to me. I guess I would just ask that if actually restricting guests under 21, people would be more respectful about it. I honestly would understand not being invited to a wedding for a myriad of reasons concerning budget, etc. But when people just say "no kids under 21" it gets to me without further explanation.
ETA @ hotchild - that makes sense to me. Honestly, I had never heard of "no kids 21 and under" it until the Bee! I don't think it's the norm by any stretch of the imagination, and it's certainly not what I think of when I hear "no kids" which is why it shocked me.
I've felt that no kids= hate kids to some people. We aren't engaged yet and we already decided NO KIDS. Point blank. We like some kids. He has a 10yr old son and I teach. 'Nuff said.
We like SOME kids. All kids aren't well behaved. All kids do not sit and listen to their parents. SOME parents let their kids run around and act a plum fool. Some parents think it's cute if their kid runs around a church, snarling like a dog.
True story- My cousin got married last year and his wife had her little cousin as the ring bearer. It was a known fact this kid was bad, even got kicked out of preschool, but she put him in there anyway (why?) so he goes up the aisle, breaks into a run and runs around the bridesmaids and grooms men for a while, then ends up at my cousin's feet with the pillow in his mouth, like a dog. People in her family are laughing. WHY???
That is the type of thing I don't want. Then I'LL be the bad guy because I stopped the wedding to chew a kid and their parents out.LOL I can't deal with that foolishness when we've paid money for OUR wedding.
I dont think that it means if you dont invite kids that you hate them. If I didnt have a son and if 90% of my family wasnt kids I wouldnt invite them either. What bugs me is the woman who put a stereotype on kids and say stupid things like "I dont want no screaming flower girl, or screaming baby during my ceremoney" Those woman just make themselves look ignorant and are REALLLLY going to get a wake up call when they become parents.
I can agree with the "No kid" rule but PLEASE dont sound so stupid about it. You dont know kids till you have them. Thats just my oppinion! =)
I dont have a problem with the no kids rule for weddings its your day do whatever you like. I think the thing that bothers me the most is that some brides feel like if a parent decides to come they werent truly a friend anyway or how dare they not want to be separated from their infant-toddler for 7-8 hours to attend their wedding. If I am being respectful of your day by not bringing my child because you fear she might ruin your day then please be respectful of my decision not to come because my child is my priority.
I agree. I didn't want kids at my reception because I don't get to see my friends and family as much as I want to and so our wedding would be able to get us all together. The way I view it, I want my them to relax and have fun. If their kids are there, regardless of age, they would have to worry about them. I wanted it to be a nice night away from their kids. But apparently my friends/family that are parents don't see it the same way.
oh man, that's terrible that the kid did that @MsMamaBear but I also know things like that to happen. Some of my cousins used to throw tantrums in public while we were at nice restaraunts and it was so unfair to the people around us & waitstaff, not to mention there are several children who throw tantrums during Mass (church) and their parents don't escort them out! When I was younger, if I acted like that I would be yelled at publically, enough humiliation to almost put me in tears! I think what I hate the most is when parents chalk it up to their children being "spirited" or in some cases leaving it to gender stereotyping like "boys will be boys"...honestly, it's poor parenting.
It's unfortunate some and I can argue a few or a minority of children are unruly and kind of make the entire bunch uncomfortable to invite. While I'm inviting children to the wedding (not that I really want to but want to keep peace with family), I think budgeting is a huge factor. It's really difficult inviting guests who have 3+ children especially if you're a college student trying to pay for it yourself (like me).
I don't hate kids and I look forward to the day I can procreate or adopt, I think children are so important and what/how we treat them will really dictate how they'll behave as adults.
On a final note, I wonder how well children will learn etiquette of weddings or experience them if they are never invited--not that it should be at the cost of someone's special event..
I don't think think there is anything wrong with saying that I don't want a screaming baby or flower girl during my ceremony. Because, well, I don't. I'm sure the "stupid woman" bee that was are referred to somewhere in this post feels the same as many bees. It isn't a stupid or cold-hearted comment. Let's be honest, I can't think of a whole lot of brides who are thinking "Man! I really, really hope my friend's baby is hungry and starts to wail right in the middle of my vows!"
The reason it is a stereotype is because it is true. No, certainly not all children are screaming tempter-tantrum throwing brats. Saying that would be a negative stereotype. But, all babies and children do cry at some point or another in their lives when they need something, and when they cry is unpredictible. And if they are hungry or wet or scared during your ceremony - they may very well cry.
I love kids, I work with kids every single day as my career, all of my and my fiance's siblings have young children (8 under the age of 7 in fact....and thats JUST our siblings). I'm not a stupid woman, ignorant, or a kid-hater. But I will agree with that woman and say: I don't want a crying baby at my ceremony. That's just how it is. I want to savor how sacred and special the vows I am saying are, and for all the people who are traveling thousands of miles to attend my ceremony, I'm sure they want to hear my vows and not an infant's crying. This is not a rude thing to say, simply a fact, said with love for my fiance, respect for our union, and respect and love for the guests attending our ceremony. Children are a blessing, but there are just some things that work a little better without crying in the background. And wedding vows, in my opinion, are one of those things for me. Every bride is different though :-)
Well, I don't think it's been said, verbatim, but there's been quite a few implied sentiments of just that... as well as how horrible it is not to include kids and a "how dare you" leave my child out of it sentiment going on.
I think those of us who are doing a no kids wedding are aware, for some parents, it may not work.
I think those of us who are doing a no kids wedding, understand that if the parent doesn't have family who can watch the child, they may have to spend $75 in return for a babysitter. I wouldn't personally expect a gift from them (or anyone). However, I'm also going to say, that if someone complained to me about spending $50-75 to come watch me marry the love of my life, be fed by me a very nice meal, have great drinks, and dance the night away... well, I'm probably spending twice that on you and your husband. Am I complaining about the cost of having you come? No, I'm happy to do it because I CARE ABOUT YOU, and I also thought you cared about me... which would be why we are friends.
I'm just shocked by the amount of people who don't even take into account that there might be a very real and logical reason the Children can't come... Or the ones who feel they are doing things "right" or "better" just because they invited children.
If my venue could support it, we would, and this is what I would say....
"Families are important to us, and we're blessed to be able to have kids come to the wedding. I don't have an issue with them, but I've been around to a LOT of weddings and I understand and get that for some, it's not the right decision to make. Your wedding is your wedding, so have fun and do what's right and safe."
I know there's been a lot of no kid threads. Most of them are how do we manage the logistics, NONE of them have ever proclaimed that a no kid wedding was the most true and RIGHT way to do things or insinuated that by having kids the wedding wasn't as meaningful or correct to marriage... which is the sentiment I feel is going on right now... that a marriage isn't being celebrated correctly if kids are involved.
for me im not having kids mostly because of PARENTS. Some parents dont know how to properly teach their children to behave, some parents DONT care if their parents behave. and theres no one on this board who hasnt been to a restaurant that was definately not "kid friendly" and been interrupted by some 4 year old tearing around the tables like a holy terror. thats not the kid's fault, thats the PARENTS fault.
My father is a minister, and we grew up in the church, learning you DIDNT MAKE A PEEP - because alot of the time mom or dad were in the pulpit and were out of arms length so we had to learn to behave when it warranted. They were responsible about it.
true story, my mom was leading missionary day at church and actually saw me and my sister giggling and misbehaving around in the pews from the pulpit, she didnt break a sentence, just walked outof the pulpit still talking to come down into the pews and spank us both for misbehaving told us to sit like ladies and behave or else, and calmly went back into the pulpit. we didnt make a peep for the rest of the service. it was stuff like that that taught us that there is a time and place for everything.
that being said, i know kids learn how to behave by BEING in certain situations and learning how others act, but quite frankly after i have paid thousands of dollars for my wedding and my day (not to mention an expensive videographer) i dont want MY wedding to be the practice.
i get kids misbehave, i get that they are people and will express themselves and be noisy and etc. but its also my choice to try and control my environment as much as possible because i am paying for it.
so if i choose to ask my guests to keep their children at home for MY peace of mind, please accept that its not that i "hate" children, or am self absorbed because i cant "get over" having a kid running around acting bad, its because i PAID FOR MY DAY, have a vision for my day, and it doesnt include those things. if the parents cant accept that, then fine, no problem, not a judgement on the parents relationship with me and FH, they can just stay at home.
i just get annoyed when parents try and pressure me into having children because they KNOW their little angel is perfect. um. no one is perfect. and no kids at wedding.
oh and for the 18 vs 21 thing - if we have people UNDER the age of 21, we have to pay extra for someone to monitor the alcohol intake and pay for insurance if someone underage drinks etc. so while i consider someone an adult after 18, for the purpose of the wedding its 21 and up (like a club...)
i think people take this way too personally. wedding invitations are just that, invitations. you arent obligated to come. so if you dont like the no kids policy, just dont go, but dont judge people because they arent having kids at the wedding.
@KLP2010- I think you are definitely correct in there have been a ton of no kid at wedding threads lately and at times I have felt kind of offending by the generalized comments on how people think all kids will act. I know I have read also that because I choose not to come to the wedding because of my daughter then I wasnt a good friend anyway. Personally I respect everyone's decision regarding having children or not at their wedding and I do realize that sometimes their venue will not support it.
I certainly wouldn't think someone not coming would mean they aren't a good friend.People chose to do what THEY want to do.
You can't make someone come to your wedding--no kids or destination wedding. You can't tell someone what to do with their money--spend more to add kids, buy that bridesmaid dress because it's the best, who cares if it's $600!
All you can do is respect their decision and continue to love them.
Sorry, I don't think I was clear... or what I typed came across the way I meant...
I would never think someone not coming didn't care about me. Your kid would be your priority. I was trying to just say that I wouldn't complain about spending around $200 for the couple to have a nice time and that I wanted them there because we mutually care for each other... which is a friendship. But I feel like all the posts saying that "babysitting is expensive and you would be making it hard on me" is kinda against the real reality... I get if you can't afford the $75, and that's totally fine! However, I'm already shelling out $200 for you and your husband. If they can't also appreciate that then it's not really caring about me as well. Especially if they expect me to pay another $100-200 + so they can come with their kids... and make me not invite other friends because we don't have room...
OK, I'm still not explaining that well... Basically, while I totally understand that babysitting is expensive, so is having a guest at a wedding.... so that argument should be null and void. Just like a friendship, the cost of having or attending a wedding is a mutual expense....
@spaganya - those sorts of restrictions don't bother me unless they're phrased as if a 19-20 year old is a kid. (Obviously you explained your situation nicely and never implied it.) I think, though, that others don't think before they speak and assume that it's it wouldn't be offensive at all to lump young adults in with kids.
I know to most people, it's not a big deal. But I live with this stereotype every single day, and so even the littlest bits hit home.
It sounds silly, but it just makes me so mad. It frustrates me to no end that here I was on my own at 18, working two jobs to put myself through school, and I've succeeded. I'm now engaged and planning a wedding, still working (one job now, thank goodness) and still going to school full-time. I pay rent, I pay bills, I have student loans and grants, etc. I am responsible for the well-being of three animals, and I am in the process of committing my life to another person for the rest of our lives, damn it! I am not a kid!
It wouldn't frustrate me nearly as much if wedding pros, random people, etc, didn't make the same mistakes. I think people often refer back to where they were at that point in life, or where so and so is, and think that it's okay to put a blanket judgment on everyone. But nothing makes me want to pull out my hair more than someone who says, "when you graduate and have to deal with the real world" or whatever. And even though calling someone under 21 a kid isn't expressly saying that, it's adding to that stigma of people under 21 relying on their parents and not acting as contributing adults in our society.
@KLP - I'm really glad you posted this thread. I think there are so many defense mechanisms that go up in regards to no kids policies, on both sides. Ultimately, though, you'll be having a beautiful wedding and I think it's perfectly reasonable to have restrictions on who can come. Most people don't have an unlimited budget or capacity, and some people would rather kids not attend for other reasons. There's nothing wrong about that, and if a guest doesn't like it, that is their decision. I'm not sure why there's such a stigma against no-kids policies when it's pretty much the same thing as a destination wedding - if you don't like it or can't make the logistics work, you send your regrets.
@lilyfaith - i totally understand what you are saying. it is a horrible feeling when you are excluded soley because of age, when you are just as responsible (if not more so) than some other person who happens to be a couple years older.
@Lilyfaith - Amen! I know exactly how you feel.
@KLP - I am in a similar situation as you. I am not yet engaged but when we do there will be at least 50-75 children whom we have already decided we will not be inviting. I am very nervous to see what all of my cousins and his cousins say to this. What do you say when family members ask why are my children not invited? How do you tactfully reply while making them understand that you just cannot afford to invite more?
I'll proudly get on the 'we are having an evening wedding reception with cocktails and a plated dinner and that is not a child appropriate event' train. I love kids. ADORE them. You should see me when I'm around them, I turn into a total clown. HOWEVER, on my wedding day, I would just like a nice, elegant affair sans children. I too, feel that those who are allowing children make it a special point to say "WE are having children at our wedding because WE LOVE CHILDREN and we LOVE FAMILY and OUR WEDDING is about FAMILY"... it does imply that those of us who are having a different kind of wedding don't value those things, even though I'm sure it wasn't intentional.
I just find it amusing how people get all up in arms about brides who don't want to provide on site babysitting. Just because you have a child does not mean you are entitled to have babysitting provided for you. You wouldn't ask the B&G to pay for your hotel room, which is often a cost that people incur to attend a wedding, so why should childcare be any different? I consider providing on site childcare one of those "very nice, but not necessary" items, like offering to pay for everyone's parking.
I totally get not wanting to leave your child with a stranger, but for a local wedding? And you don't have ONE babysitter in your aresenal that you can book 6 months out when you get that STD card? Really? Really? Fine then. Stay home. I won't hold it against you, that's your choice. I'll still love you the same but I will be amused at your excuse that you just "couldn't" find a babysitter. :)
This is terrible of me to say but I sure do hope some woman on here either do become moms and see the light or never do because it doesnt sound like they will become good ones.
I dont want kids crying during my ceremoney either but common people. Things ARE going to go wrong. No matter what (kid crys, caterer doesnt get things right, cake order is messed up) Your still married to your man at the end of the day.
I can just for warn all the "No kids brides" right now. I understand you decision. Really I do. But someone IS going to bring their kids. Ive been to "no kid" weddings and not everyone will respect that rule. But if you dont let it slide and you say something, well then you can just say goodbye to that friend/family member for good. Wow, I think worse things could go wrong during your day then a crying baby. Ive seen a wedding where a bride got left at the alter...now THATS bad!
Um, I'd have to say I"m with KLP. I like kids, but I would prefer them absent from my wedding. Miss FlipFlops is right, things will go wrong but why have something else contributing to what can already be a potentially stressful day. It's impossible to make everyone happy, so if it makes you happy nix the kids.
I completely agree. We are only going to be having 4 children there- and they are all immediate family. Honestly, if we allowed all of our friend's children to come- we'd be adding an additional 75 people to the guest list. It was a hard decision to make, because there are some children I've watched grow up and they are a big part of my life. I love kids, but after discussing it with our parents- FI and I decided to make it immediate family only.
My cousin's wedding was immediate family children only and it worked out well. The guests all understood where they were coming from and it wasn't met with resistance or people feeling like they were anti-family at all.
Kids or no kids is good. Hey, it’s a wedding so it’s all good! It is purely up to the B&G.
As a Wedding Host/DJ, we see kids at most weddings but many are kid free. There will always be issues with kids at weddings and with parents who do not properly supervise them.
If you have a child in the ceremony, just expect that kids will be kids, accept it, have fun and go with it. If you want a ceremony where nothing can go wrong, don’t have kids in it but still keep your fingers crossed.
A children’s table with a sitter or two is way better than none and their parents will love you for it because it will allow them to dance and celebrate. Kids usually don’t enjoy being at a wedding… “BORING”. Give something for the kids to do like coloring books and crayons and it will make them happy as well.
We like to involve everyone and (if the B&G approve) we usually involve the kids. One good way is to give each a piece of art paper and ask them to make a special drawing for the B&G. Then, before the real important stuff begins, we collect the works of art, make a fuss over how wonderful they all are and then, with a child or two in tow to represent the kids, we present them to the B&G. It also makes a nice addition to your wedding day scrapbook.
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