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I agree that there's no reason FI's aunt should be involved but I'm wondering if there would be any fallout from FI's parents if the aunt is told she's not invited? How is your relationship with FI's parents? Would his mom stand up for you guys? Or would she like to have her sister there regardless of whether or not she's part of the wedding proceedings?
It could be a tougher situation if it's you and FI 'against' everyone else in this...
Does his mom know that you both don't want the aunt there? Or is there a way FI can delicately word a response saying that the rehearsal dinner is going to be a small gathering for the bridal party to get to know one another a bit better before the big day? Aunt does not equal bridal party!
Good luck!
Oh, our aunts came to our rehearsal dinner. It's the "norm" in some families. For us it was bridal party and their dates, parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles. Is it possible she's just assuming that's the case?
Is your rehearsal the day before the wedding? Maybe his parents invited her to it because she's traveling from out of town, so they thought it would be a nice gesture and that it's their call since they're the ones hosting it. You'll have to talk to them to figure out why she thinks she's invited.
If the only people at the rehearsal dinner are going to be people actually taking part in the ceremony, then I think it's fine to talk to your FI's parents about that and how you feel it would be inappropriate to invite her but not your aunts, etc.
I agree with ejs - in some families, rehersal dinners are the FAMILY (parents, granparents, aunts/uncles) as well as the wedding party. Weddings are technically a "family" event so even if she isn't involved in your wedding physically or emotionally she may just be thinking her nephew is getting married so x,y,z will take place.
As for your relationship with her, perhaps with the wedding things will simmer?
Talk to FI's parents. If they understand your point of view then you can politely tell her that the RD is just for the wedding party and immediate family (parents, siblings, etc). Tell her you look forward to seeing her at the ceremony and reception.
However, if the FI's parents don't want to offend her or whatever, then I think you should suck it up and let them bring her. They are paying for the event and it is really only one person.
At least you know shes bringing you a present! She could be showing up empty handed!
I think that your rehearsal should include whomever you want and if you're strictly sticking to your wedding party/dates and immediate family, then you need to speak with his mom about the guest list. I think she sounds very rude and one of those people that think they are right no matter how wrong they are in their actions. I'm sorry she's been very judgmental and unkind to you. If you 2 have a problem with this, you need to be honest and speak up. Remember it is your wedding and if you don't speak up and it still bothers you, then it can't be helped.
Good luck!
Perhaps it's b/c of my dislike for her that I am making a bigger deal of this than it should be. I have 7 aunts and I didn't invite them because I thought it would be too much for his parents... only one of them are attending b/c she is the grandmother of the ringbearer and flowergirl and will be coming with them and she has helped tremendously with sewing, ring pillow, basket, help with invites etc and FI's one aunt on his father's side is attending b/c she is traveling from South Carolina and will be there the night before and we thought it would be rude to just leave her at the hotel. Other than that it is bridal party, parents and siblings. The aunt in question, well they would be coming the night before just b/c she thinks she is invited she is an hour drive from the wedding location.
I have had this conversation with FI parents, his mom asked me if the aunt was invited. I told her that I hadn't planned on it since pretty much everyone else who was going to be there had some part in the planning. His mom said ok. and that was the end of the conversation. His mom gets annoyed with her too.
Ihave a great relationship with his parents. They are a bit touchy sometimes and you have to becareful how you word stuff b/c they easily offend but for the most part our relationship is great. I haven't mentioned to them yet b/c they have been on vacation and didn't think I needed to burden them with that kind of info. They get in today so may just come up in conversation. I am prepared to suck it up if FMIL really wants her there but it just irritates me.
Ouch, that's tough. I initially would wouldn't want her there either but its a good think you didn't come to a final decision before talking to her because if it could potentially cause drama, which is sounds like it might, then it may not be worth it to not invite her. Speak to your FMIL, be sure you know what your FI would like to do and from there make your decision. Sometimes close family is invited but its ok if they're not too. And, if she does end up coming, its your party so feel free to ignore the crap out of her! Lol :)
LOL.. Fiance thinks she is crazy sometimes and wonders why the heck she thinks she is invited. Will let you all know what happens after we talk to his parents.
Jennifer_espos.. lol i try to ignore her as much as I can.. she is so ignorant.
Thanks!
I agree good Idea to run it past FI parents before you respond. However; seeing as no other aunts are being invited (except those who have helped out a lot) I don't think your in the wrong to say that it's just immediate family. That is the truth and that was the intent from the beginning. I don't think your in the wrong at all. Hopefully FI parents will agree & you can kindly reply that it's just the wedding party & helpers!
Oh my! Tell her so needs to take a chill pill! She is acting like she is the mother of the bride or something! If she's not even nice to you, why should she be invited to YOUR rehersal dinner! Just as long as his parents aren't going to be mad if she isn't invited I say can her! Bye bye aunt from hell!
Good luck my dear!
We are inviting family to the rehearsal dinner. My mom insists. But, we're being equal on both sides, i.e. all aunts or no aunts. FI's parents should let her know that you are trying to keep the dinner small and only the wedding party and parents are invited. If FIs parents are still on vacation let the aunt know that they are hosting and she should contact them.
If I were you, as hard as it sounds, I would leave the decision up to FI's parents. Believe it or not, that's actually the easy way out. I would tell FI to respond to her email saying to contact his parents and ask if she is invited - that they have the guest list and the details. And give his parents a heads-up that she is asking about the RD and while you never planned on extending the invitation to any aunts, since they are hosting you will respect their decision either way.
That way if THEY decide not to invite her for whatever reason: they don't like her to begin with, the other aunts aren't invited, etc. etc. then THEY have the burden of delivering the news and enforcing it. And also, this way the hosts of the dinner will feel good about the guest list as it was ultimately up to them. It is a win-win for everyone.
*This is what I'm doing for our RD, FI's parents are hosting it and we are leaving the guest list up to them. In our situation, there isn't anyone I DON'T want to come, I love everyone in both of our families, but it's a matter of budget. So beyond the actual wedding party + dates, FI's parents decide who gets invited.
update! so FI and I talked to FMIL and FFIL. we told her about said aunt emailing us , etc etc .. I think FMIL may have slipped and said something to her about the RD. I told FMIL that if she really wanted her sister there then it was fine. They are hosting the dinner so I had decided that I was not going to make a big deal out of it. SOO .. later on in the evening the aunt called FMIL .. she asked FMIL about rehearsal dinner time and FMIL responded "oh you're coming?? You're not invited" LOL LOL LOL Not sure if aunt was offended or not but FMIL made the decision to tell her she wasnt invited.
I'm ok with that ;)
Haha! That's great. I agree though that she has no reason to be invited, anyway. Glad she's not coming so you can put your mind at ease!! :)
I actually got a call from my FMIL & she was like, do you mind if my sister comes to the rehersal dinner. Her daughter is one of my bridesmaids & they are coming from out of town, plus my fiance's parents are paying for the dinner, so I said sure. Hope they aren't offended when they don't receive a gift though... they didn't do anything special for me!
@Ella1978...lol..I totally agree regarding gifts at this point...I am so done trying to be nice!
@teeleaf: Glad to hear that your FMIL took care of it! If FI's aunt is offended, well, she can deal with her sister :)
ummmm aunt sent an email to my FMIL saying she is super offended!!!! ugh .. his aunt just wont give up! FMIL replied to her email and asked if her daughter had a rehearsal dinner when she got married and how come she didn't get an invite .. lol
I don't want them to argue before the wedding, especially bc they are all they have, aunt is FMIL only sister and both parents are deceased. I think I might cave and just let her invite the aunt to avoid any issues.
So, I know that you don't want them to fight before the wedding, but your FMIL has a point! Was she invited to her niece's rehearsal dinner? If not, then heck with it...let your FMIL deal with it! Her responses are great BTW...
@ teeleaf; You've already made your position on the subject clear. Just step back from this one and let FMIL handle it! They've been sisters their whole lives, it sounds like they know how to handle each other.
I had some issues with my FI's aunt too. We had a baby before being married and his aunt showed up to my baby shower and on the way out when everybody was saying "congrats" to us, his aunt came up and said (right in front of me) "Just dont let it happen again" I was livid. I still dont let those people come around. Not to birthday parties or bar-b-ques or anything. Luckily we moved to another state and I dont have to worry about it. I dont know if I could stand having her at my wedding or rehersal. You are in a hard situation. I just feel that if they dont agree with they lifestyle we live and want to make rude comments about it then they shouldnt be a part of our activities. I do hold a grudge though.
@charmedlife I can't believe she said that to you!!!! That is beyond rude.
I hear you about holding a grudge too... lol I asked FI if I can seat his aunt in the bathroom...hahah She still isnt coming to our rehearsal dinner (hooray!!) and am even surprised she will be at my shower next month!
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so, I don't have the greatest history with my FI's aunt. She is his only aunt on his mother's side and never really liked me or at least has never really acted like she does. She didn't really agree with FI and I moving in together before we were married or agree with us buying a home before we were even engaged. She even came to a BBQ of ours and brought a housewarming gift BUT she pulled FI to the side and proceeded to tell him that she thought long and hard about giving a gift b/c we weren't married she didn't think it was appropriate but gave HIM the gift and did not present the gift to both of us... Whatever! Lucky she didn't say that in front of me b/c I would have told her if she didn't agree with us living together before we were married she could leave..
Ok so fast forward, we're getting married... now with the wedding a little over 3 months away she sends an email to FI asking what size bed we have and about the wedding website and what time the rehearsal dinner is so she can make arrangements for their dog, FI replied and told her about our bed, and gave her website info and hotel info but intentionally did not answert about rehearsal dinner. She replied and said that website had no info about the rehearsal and wanted to know the time ...UMMM WHAT???? she has had nothing to do with the planning of our wedding, no contribution, no support really, not to mention I really dislike her, none of my aunts are invited .. why the heck does she think she is????
I know it is his mother's only sister and his parents are paying for the dinner but I really don't want her there..I don't want to argue about it and not sure what to do.. do I suck it up and let his parents invite her?? Why should she have the pleasure of dining with all the people who have contributed and supported us and our wedding?
Fi hasn't responded to her 2nd email yet..tonight we talk to his parents about it...