Why doesn't she leave? And what you can do about it… (abuse)

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@goneanonbee:  I think it was great of you to post this

Post # 4
Member
2400 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@goneanonbee:  Thank you for writing this! That takes alot of courage.

Post # 5
Member
1649 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

That was a great post.

Post # 6
Member
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@goneanonbee:  been there. 5 years too long. Women who NEVER find themselves in these circumstances are extremely lucky, and some too may never understand how abuse can and does happen to other women from all walks of life, intelligence levels, socioeconomic and educational backgrounds. 

you’ve stated everything perfectly 🙂 

Post # 7
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Everyone should read this. Absolutely, the best advice is to get out. But I agree that it’s a hard thing to do, and sometimes small steps like, leaving a bag at someone’s house, or putting the hotline on your phone, can be easier to start with, and can actually be helpful when they finally are ready/needing to get out fast. 

 

 

Post # 8
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Thank you so much for this, it was well-written and very insightful.

Post # 11
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Great post thanks for sharing. if you’ve never been there you can never truly understand. Most people in these situations didn’t think they would ever find themself there.

Post # 12
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Agreed! It’s not easy to leave at all. The best thing for others to do is to offer an unjudgemental listening ear. It’s already hard enough to open up & talk about it as it is.

 

In my case, I loved him so much & I thought I’d rather be with him & go through the abuse than to leave him. When he finally left me for another girl, I was devastated. For about half a year, the pain was worse than being with him. Of course, he came back to try to manipulate me again, I came close to succumbing, but he would pull all sorts of dick moves that remind me of why I’m better off without him. Sometimes he would even reject me outright after I agreed to getting back with him. For close to a year I was depressed & suicidal after the breakup. Guys like this don’t change. It’s coming to three years since the relationship ended, and he still contacts me at times to get some sort of reaction from me. I have sinced moved on, and waiting to be proposed to by the man I know I deserve. (Fingers crossed for a Christmas proposal since my ring is still in design phase~)

 

If there’s anyone out there who is going through abuse & reading this, wondering if they can survive without him, YES YOU CAN. IT GETS BETTER. The pain will subside. And from the pressure, you would have transformed from charcoal to diamond. Maybe a very very slightly included, or maybe even a I(ncluded)3, but you will be stronger. Day by day, you will learn to stand on your own feet and the pain will subside. Perhaps it won’t ever fully leave, but we can’t let them stop us from leading our lives.

 

If you have a friend in this situation, don’t keep push her to leave him! It has to be done on her own terms or it isn’t permanent. The more you try to push her from him, the more you are actually pushing her away from you. & when the time comes when she is finally ready to leave or she needs someone to talk to, she won’t turn to you. She is already feeling a lot of pressure from the situation. Most of the time, they know the best course of action. They just need to carry it out.

 

If you have been through this & came out the other side, share your story. Don’t be ashamed of it! I remember how alone I felt, thinking no one had ever plumbed the depths of despair or fell into the pit of neverending darkness like I did. Share your story with your friends, not to gain pity, but to gain exposure that abuse is not as rare as we would like to believe it is. Relationships are not always as they seem. Scars of abuse aren’t always at the surface.

 

Post # 13
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Thank you for posting.  I feel like Why does he do that?  by Lundy Bancroft should be required reading in school or something.  It really gives you a new perspective.

OP, I hope that you’re safe and well, now.

Post # 14
Member
3368 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Very well written and 100% right on.  I’ve been there unfortunately.  Luckily I am safe today.

Post # 16
Member
2163 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I read this post with tears streaming down my face.

Why doesn’t she leave?

Maybe because he’s keeping her paychecks and only gives her an allowance each week. Maybe because he made sure he isolated her, told her her parents were using her, and made her burn every bridge in her life. Maybe he threatened her life…and the lives of everyone she loved. Maybe he takes her cell phone away…the phone her mom pays for because mom is scared that she will be alone in an emergency…and there really is no way out?

And, like you have said, she stays because he loves her the best.

My own experience was so ugly that even six years later I cannot sleep through the whole night without nightmares….and the relationship was only six months. Six months of absolute terror. The control a person can gain through manipulation is unbelievable. I never stop praying for the abused.

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