Post # 1
3 weeks from dear daughter’s wedding and we are feeling some stress/anger. First, FMIL. She gave us her list of invitees with a lot of probably won’t come and not sure. Well, alot of those have turned into yeses and we are probably over the max capacity for our venue by a few people. When I asked her who some of these people are it’s great aunt and uncle that groom doesn’t even know, DIVORCED uncle and his new wife, coworkers the groom doesn’t know, etc. She keeps asking if some friends of theirs have responded. Really? If they are your friends and you haven’t talked to them since the Save the Dates went out how good of a friend are you? My daughter is frustrated because they had to cut short their list of friends and now it turns out it is for relatives her fiance doesn’t even know. We limited our list so the bride/groom could invite their friends, not people they don’t even know.
Next, father of the bride. Daughter said she only wanted a DJ. Husband is a musician and has lots of musician friends, first he said OK. Then it ended up he asked friends to play. One small acoustic group for ceremony and cocktail hour, bigger country band for reception. “I just couldn’t take having a DJ” he said. Supposedly there is a DJ who will alternate with the band but when my daughter asked to meet him she gets a vague response. Today we are at the venue which is a beautiful outdoor venue (for ceremony) on a golf course overlookijng a gorgeous view of the valley below. My husband asked about electricity to the ceremony site, co-ordinator said typically small sound system is on the side not to interfere with view and show up in wedding photos. “I’ve done this for years, I know what I’m doing” he tells her. He is setting up a sounds system that looks like a frigging rock concert. Well when he has WORKED at weddings he has had to do what the bride wants whether he likes it or not.My daughter spent a forune on a photograpgher, not to have photos of some ginormous speakers.
Why don’t these people get it–its about the BRIDE AND GROOM–not their relatives the kids don’t know and some band extravaganza to make you look good because YOU don’t like DJ’s. My daughter is trying to be cool but I know it is stressing her out to the max–both parties!! GRRRRRRRR!
Post # 3
@Sadiepoo: Humm maybe your daughhter needs help to tell these people to back off…haha. It’s great you actaully are not forcing your ideas on her! Cudos to that mom (for real, that doesn’t happen a lot from a mother of a bride).
May I ask who paid for the extra guest from grooms parents?
Post # 4
My mom is helping out with my wedding, and sometimes I feel like she thinks it’s about her ideas and not about mine. Like when she said she wanted to make my cake, and then I gave my opinion on a cake she made my Aunt, which I didn’t care for the taste of. And she said “Well everyone else likes the cake!” And I’m just shaking my head, and I’m like, isn’t it my opinion that matters here? Especially since the cake I was only planning for me and FI to eat while everyone else gets cupcakes?!
Post # 5
@Sadiepoo: Why hasn’t she been talking to her FI’s family? The time to be upset by their large guest list was before invites went out.
I don’t understand now being upset that coworkers etc were invited now.
Also her FI needs to talk to his father. Nothing to stress about, just an “I’m sorry dad, but this isn’t what we were thinking. We will go with our original plan” End of story. Then call the venue and tell them that the couple is not approving any extra sound equipment and that they are not to allow him to come and set anything up.
Post # 6
Annoying for sure, all I have to say is I had a band for my inlaws I didn’t mind and a Dj and looking back the band wasn’t worth the money we spent on it.
I would speak to your husband, your daughters wedding isn’t a showcase for his music. Maybe have them play at the rehearsal dinner as a compromise? No offense to you guys but I couldn’t imagine spending hours listening just to country music for the whole reception.
Post # 7
Can I first say that I wish my boyfriend’s parents were like you!
We have started to plan a wedding, just waiting on the ring to get done so for now I’ll call him my boyfriend. His family is somewhat anti-social, nothing like my side of the family. We want a small intimate wedding but it his parents want a HUGE ASS wedding, inviting everyone they know, which is ridiculous. My boyfriend doesnt even know his side of the family by name, he even forget a cousin in the invitation list, who he sees on a regular basis so when his parents said, “Well we have a lot of family” and laughed at my maximum of invitees at 100. I was pissed.
My only advice is this, if your soon-to-be son-in-law’s family want to invite more people, tell them to cough up the money for the excess. I see nothing wrong with splitting the invitation list 50/50, I know its hard to do when one side of the family might have more siblings but its not fair that your daughter is having to cut out friends, maybe even family. And because I am in your daughter’s shoes, her fiance needs to be the one to tell his family to stop what they are doing, listen to his and your daughters wishes, and cut the list. If its just coming from your daughter, his family wont listen and she might look like the bad guy in all of this.
I know you know this but I dont know if your daughter or soon to be son have addressed this to his side of the family, but say you only want people your son in law can put a name to a face, and the people that matter most in his life, people he actually communicates and sees regularly.
Things like this makes me want to just get married in Vegas and call it a day!
Post # 8
@StormtrooperInLove: Well retrospectively we shouldn’t have allowed her to have so many “Not sures” but then she also had some people that she thought wouldn’t come that are coming. For example, his grandparents supposedly weren’t coming because grandfather is ill. Now Grandma is coming but her sister and her husband are bringing her. So there’s 3 unexpected guest. We can’t uninvite people and say oh, we really didn’t think you would come! We had a few of those ourselves, my husband swore none of his relatives from back east would make it but 3 or 4 are coming. Live and Learn–I woudl definitely do things differently if I had a redo. Alos, 4 people who were invited a s a single are bringing a date, one even asked my daughtere and she told her no, then she RSVPed for a date anyway. She has said she will pay for the surprises but that’s not really the point, its more about being over the venue limit. I agree about the event not being a showcase for my husband but he just doesn’t get it–by the way the band plays all kinds of music, not just country, but that’s not really the point. He asked her specifically what she wanted and then did what HE wanted.
Post # 9
Daughter came over tonight with more drama. Her MOH’s mother wanted to now where she is sitting. We placed her with all of the other bridesmaid’s parents since they have all known each other since they girls were little. MOH mother is getting a divorce and is bringing her son. She doesn’t want to sit at that rtable because of the divorce questions (everyone already knows so why woudl they ask) and she got into a fight with one of the girls mothers over something stupid 20 YEARS ago!! So she wants to sit at a table with a bunch of complete strangers? My daughter told her even if they are at the same table she doesn’t have to talk to the one lady. People?? Who is this day about???
Post # 10
It sounds to me as though your daughter is being a people-pleaser and getting run over. If she wants a DJ, she needs to sit down with her father and make it clear that either he provides a DJ (if he is offering to pay for music) or she and her FI will pay for their own music. A band for the ceremony/cocktail hour might be a good compromise.
For people who want to know where they sit, she should either tell them it is still being finalized, so you can’t answer that question or tell them that the seating plan is final and has been given to the venue, so no changes can be made.
It’s a little late to deal with the guest list, unfortunately.
Post # 11
- Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia
@Sadiepoo: Could I please swap my mother with you? My mother and father are trying to invite extended families I don’t even know. Ha, ha, ha. And my parents have got the audacity to leave my fiance out of the wedding planning discussions.
Post # 12
- Wedding: May 2014 - The Cove Lakeside Resort
If it makes you feel better, my parents and well the rest of my family firmly believe that this is not a day for me (the bride) or my fiance, but about THEM. They have said some nasty things to me during the wedding planning and they don’t care that it hurt my feelings, they only care about how they feel….grr family!
Post # 13
I learned some very valuable lessons about guest lists on my wedding extravaganza. First off, because my parents hosted, they had a say in who got invited. All these aunts, uncles, my mother’s cousins, great aunts, etc. came out of the woodwork! Same with my hubby’s side of the family. NOBODY was gonna miss this shindig. So, I spent the night, along with my hubby, basically wondering “have we ever even met you????” Then we wondered if they kicked the bucket the following week!
Next, we got into a row over my mother in law dictating that if the “new pig” (father’s remarriage), came to the wedding,she wouldn’t show. So, my hubby to be sided with his own mom, naturally. We told Daddy in Law that he was welcome, but his new squeeze was not, cuz of the situation we were put in. He assured us repeatedly he was coming — alone. Well, the B#st*^@ never showed up to ceremony or reception, and all night HIS family, HIS coworkers and HIS friends all were asking where he was! Thanks.
Lesson to be learned: HAVE IT YOUR WAY. YOUR WAY. I told my daughter to have an intimate wedding, with just the folks that matter to you. And if somebody wants to “play you”, tell them “gee, we’re sorry you aren’t attending. YOu will be missed”. Wish we had.
Post # 14
- Wedding: August 2013 - An amazing non-profit retreat
My husband and I put our feet down and said we are paying, so we are inviting, and we have an 80 person limit. Our saving grace was the the venue could only hold a max of 80 people, so there were no random invitees.