Post # 1
I don’t really have anyone else to vent to about this without offending family members. DH and I have been actively TTC for about a year now. We were NTNP in November 2013 and had a chemical pregnancy a few weeks before our wedding. Since then, AF has arrived every cycle and a BFP is nowhere to be found.
My Dad came by on the weekend to visit. He then told me that my cousin (we shall call her Julia) is pregnant. Julia has always been spoiled by her parents and husband. She took 3 different programs in college/university all of which were paid for by her parents. She married her husband and moved into his house which was already paid for. He bought her a car. She has never really had any sense of appreciation for anything nor has she had any real responsibilities because everybody does everything for her. Her sister and husband have joked that she does nothing around the house because she doesn’t have a clue how to do anything for herself. I’d be surprised if she could boil water. She just has that really ditzy type of personality. If people ask her why she doesn’t know how to cook or do laundry she laughs it off and says it was never important for her to know. She spends 90% of her time at her parents house because her husband works a lot and she can’t fend for herself.
I had a breakdown after my Dad left out of sheer frustration. She can’t even make a sandwich let alone take care of a baby! I want to be happy for her, but I’m not. I don’t want to hear about her pregnancy all throughout the holidays. I just want to stare at her like Sheldon Cooper and maybe her brain will explode; I don’t know. I know I’m being really childish/immature but..but.. 🙁 *stomps foot*
I have never wanted anything more in my whole life than to be a Mom. We spend our whole teenage/young adult lives preventing pregnancy, scared that if a guy looks at you in a sexy way you’ll get pregnant. Then when you actually want it to happen, it doesn’t.
I really do want to be happy for her. She’s family and this is exciting for her and yadda yadda yadda. But I’m frustrated, jealous, upset, and sad all balled up into one little ball of feels. Please tell me I’m not alone. And if I am, please humour me.
Post # 2
I know it must hurt to see others so easily get the thing you desire most. I know I’ve been there. I will hope for you that your day comes soon!
Post # 3
I’m sorry that you are having a hard time. I couldn’t imagine hearing that news after trying for over a year. You have every right to be hurt and sad!!! Major hugs to you!!!
Post # 4
rcac1208: I have a feeling you will get flamed by a couple people for this. But not me. I know how you feel. I haven’t been trying for quite as long and I have had two devastating losses right before the 6 week marker. One of my best friend has also lived the easy life, no challenges, everything happened right in order on the timeline she’d always wanted. Charmed you might say. I am the opposite. I am the kind of person who has mountains of challenges instead of mole hills. Anyway, I found out that she’s have her second baby right around my second loss’ due date. Both of her pregnancies were one shot and BFP. There are a few things I take from this:
-fertility has no correlation to how much someone deserves it or wants it. This is emphasized by those getting abortions while I’m having losses that absolute ruin me (but I’m still pro-choice).
-I don’t think anyone loves their baby quite as much as someone who had a really, really hard time getting to that point. Yes, everyone loves their baby more than anything in the world, but to try SO SO SO hard in order to get it- well it feels like the ultimate reward for the hard work. I think this is going to make me a great mommy aaaaaaaaand
-patience. Have you ever noticed that first cycle TTCers are absolutely the most impatient humans on earth? Now when they get their BFP on that first shot, they are rewarded for their impatience. That’s great, but having to wait cycle in and out, and counting the days to get past when I’ve miscarried, all teaches me an extraordinary amount of patience, and what is the best trait to have as a parent? Well, patience is certainly top 3 at least.
I know this sucks but you will feel better, I promise. And remember that you’re setting yourself up to be an incredibly patient and appreciate parent- and that your future kids will reap enormous benefits from that!
Post # 5
Andthepupmakes3: Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. It brought me to tears. Lol
I in no way intended to portray that she doesn’t deserve it (although I’m sure my whining could come off that way). I think everybody deserves to be a parent if that’s something that they want. I think my point was supposed to be more like “Sure, everything else has come easy to you, so why not this too?”. My post was certainly not written with malice or to offend anybody.
Post # 6
Take some time to feel sorry for yourself and feel frustrated, then try to remember that you don’t really want your life to be like hers anyway. Your turn will come and you won’t have it handed to you. Sometimes I feel like going through life having things too easy isn’t really the best… if that makes sense. I’m sure her life isn’t as easy as it appears anyway… not that we should celebrate other people being unhappy or struggling… but just because her life appears easier and better doesn’t mean it is. Sorry you’re feeling so frustrated.
Post # 7
I’m not TTC yet but I can completely understand and don’t think you’re being unfair or irrational. If I were in your position I’d feel the same. I suppose the challenge is you obviously can’t let her or probably the rest of your family know how you feel, but I hope you’re able to vent to your DH or a close friend.
Don’t beat yourself up about it. And FX you get your BFP soon!!
Post # 8
I understand that it must be very difficult for you, but you don’t know what else life will throw her way and you don’t know what life will throw your way either.
On the outside plenty of people’s lives look really easy, but you don’t necessarily know what’s going on in her head.. you don’t even know what goes on in your closest friend’s heads, let alone a cousin that you don’t seem to be that close to.
Look at it this way – if you’re not happy for her, you won’t be punishing her, you’ll be punishing yourself. You don’t deserve to be punished.
If you can find it in you to be happy for her, you will be happy inside.. which you deserve to be.
Your pregnancy will happen one day 🙂
Post # 9
Andthepupmakes3: +1. Not surprising that we agree on this!
OP, I also haven’t been trying quite as long as you. I got my BFP on my second cycle back in July. I miscarried in September. I’m taking a couple of months off and trying again in January. As was said, I know I will appreciate every milestone of pregnancy and raising a child way more after having been through what I’ve been through. And to top it off, DH’s best friend announced his wife was pregnant and due within a week of when I would have been due. I can’t bring myself to see them and while I’m happy for them, I’m envious and questioning why that can’t be me and my husband. Life can be cruel. This woman also seems to have everything she wants in life with minimal effort, but that is my view as an outsider. Anyway, I just wanted to say that you are not the only one who feels this way, and that is ok. You are working extra hard for a baby and will appreciate parenthood that much more. Don’t feel bad.
Post # 10
rcac1208: You are not alone. I can commiserate with you on this. It seems like a lot of people I know or who are family are getting pregnant like crazy, where I have had two losses. Not to say the people I know don’t love their babies, but most of them were accidents. It makes me jealous that they can just have everything they didn’t really try for and I can’t and we’ve tried like crazy.
I know we can’t relate on getting pregnant, but staying pregnant is the biggest challenge for me. My bff just had her baby a month ago and I am suppose to go see her this weekend. Well, I’m just not ready. It’s ok for you to have negative emotions, even if it is family. I love my best friend like she’s my sister. But I still have angry feelings.
Post # 11
I get it. I soooo get it. We have been trying for nearly a year. Take a day to be sad or mad, and then move forward. Her being pregnant has no impact on you being pregnant. And you really don’t know sometimes – I just found out that a friend’s gorgeous sister is struggling with alcohol addiction and infidelity/divorce. To look at her, she has a charmed life, but scratch the surface and we all have troubles. I recently read a saying, “If everyone put all their troubles in a pile for all to see, you would take your own back”.
Post # 12
Preach. Nothing about TTC is fair.
Post # 13
I have had simila experiences. It is awful! I’m sorry this is so hard. I wish I had some great advice, but I don’t.
Post # 14
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Give yourself permission to wallow and be angry/jealous/b*tchy galore for 1 day. Get it out of your system. And then stop. TTC is not a zero sum game. She can have her baby and it will have no impact on you being able to have yours.
Look at the life you already have. Really, truly, deeply look at it. Find the beauty in your life as it exists right now. Appreciate what you have, even if it isn’t exactly what you want.
And perhaps it is time for you to make an appointment with an RE. Taking the step down this path is scary and hard, but perhaps it is time for you to change your own TTC game plan. What you have been doing has not gotten you closer to your goal, so maybe it is time to shake things up a bit.
Post # 15
I don’t want kids, but i get why you’re feeling that way.
Maybe she’ll grow up and learn when she has her baby.
I hope you become a mother soon too. 🙂 Good luck!