Why her? Why not me? *Vent*

posted 2 years ago in TTC
Post # 2
Member
4483 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I know it must hurt to see others so easily get the thing you desire most. I know I’ve been there. I will hope for you that your day comes soon!

Post # 3
Member
1679 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m sorry that you are having a hard time. I couldn’t imagine hearing that news after trying for over a year. You have every right to be hurt and sad!!! Major hugs to you!!!

Post # 4
Member
1896 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

rcac1208:  I have a feeling you will get flamed by a couple people for this. But not me. I know how you feel. I haven’t been trying for quite as long and I have had two devastating losses right before the 6 week marker.  One of my best friend has also lived the easy life, no challenges, everything happened right in order on the timeline she’d always wanted.  Charmed you might say.  I am the opposite.  I am the kind of person who has mountains of challenges instead of mole hills. Anyway, I found out that she’s have her second baby right around my second loss’ due date.  Both of her pregnancies were one shot and BFP.  There are a few things I take from this:

-fertility has no correlation to how much someone deserves it or wants it. This is emphasized by those getting abortions while I’m having losses that absolute ruin me (but I’m still pro-choice).

-I don’t think anyone loves their baby quite as much as someone who had a really, really hard time getting to that point.  Yes, everyone loves their baby more than anything in the world, but to try SO SO SO hard in order to get it- well it feels like the ultimate reward for the hard work.  I think this is going to make me a great mommy aaaaaaaaand

-patience.  Have you ever noticed that first cycle TTCers are absolutely the most impatient humans on earth?  Now when they get their BFP on that first shot, they are rewarded for their impatience.  That’s great, but having to wait cycle in and out, and counting the days to get past when I’ve miscarried, all teaches me an extraordinary amount of patience, and what is the best trait to have as a parent? Well, patience is certainly top 3 at least. 

I know this sucks but you will feel better, I promise. And remember that you’re setting yourself up to be an incredibly patient and appreciate parent-  and that your future kids will reap enormous benefits from that! 

Post # 6
Member
4215 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Take some time to feel sorry for yourself and feel frustrated, then try to remember that you don’t really want your life to be like hers anyway. Your turn will come and you won’t have it handed to you. Sometimes I feel like going through life having things too easy isn’t really the best… if that makes sense. I’m sure her life isn’t as easy as it appears anyway… not that we should celebrate other people being unhappy or struggling… but just because her life appears easier and better doesn’t mean it is. Sorry you’re feeling so frustrated. 

Post # 7
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I’m not TTC yet but I can completely understand and don’t think you’re being unfair or irrational. If I were in your position I’d feel the same. I suppose the challenge is you obviously can’t let her or probably the rest of your family know how you feel, but I hope you’re able to vent to your DH or a close friend. 

Don’t beat yourself up about it. And FX you get your BFP soon!!

Post # 8
Member
1789 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I understand that it must be very difficult for you, but you don’t know what else life will throw her way and you don’t know what life will throw your way either.

On the outside plenty of people’s lives look really easy, but you don’t necessarily know what’s going on in her head.. you don’t even know what goes on in your closest friend’s heads, let alone a cousin that you don’t seem to be that close to.

Look at it this way – if you’re not happy for her, you won’t be punishing her, you’ll be punishing yourself. You don’t deserve to be punished.

If you can find it in you to be happy for her, you will be happy inside.. which you deserve to be. 

Your pregnancy will happen one day 🙂

Post # 9
Member
905 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Andthepupmakes3:  +1. Not surprising that we agree on this!

OP, I also haven’t been trying quite as long as you. I got my BFP on my second cycle back in July. I miscarried in September. I’m taking a couple of months off and trying again in January. As was said, I know I will appreciate every milestone of pregnancy and raising a child way more after having been through what I’ve been through. And to top it off, DH’s best friend announced his wife was pregnant and due within a week of when I would have been due. I can’t bring myself to see them and while I’m happy for them, I’m envious and questioning why that can’t be me and my husband. Life can be cruel. This woman also seems to have everything she wants in life with minimal effort, but that is my view as an outsider. Anyway, I just wanted to say that you are not the only one who feels this way, and that is ok. You are working extra hard for a baby and will appreciate parenthood that much more. Don’t feel bad.

Post # 10
Member
946 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

rcac1208:  You are not alone. I can commiserate with you on this. It seems like a lot of people I know or who are family are getting pregnant like crazy, where I have had two losses. Not to say the people I know don’t love their babies, but most of them were accidents. It makes me jealous that they can just have everything they didn’t really try for and I can’t and we’ve tried like crazy.

I know we can’t relate on getting pregnant, but staying pregnant is the biggest challenge for me. My bff just had her baby a month ago and I am suppose to go see her this weekend. Well, I’m just not ready. It’s ok for you to have negative emotions, even if it is family. I love my best friend like she’s my sister. But I still have angry feelings.

Post # 11
Member
348 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I get it. I soooo get it. We have been trying for nearly a year. Take a day to be sad or mad, and then move forward. Her being pregnant has no impact on you being pregnant. And you really don’t know sometimes – I just found out that a friend’s gorgeous sister is struggling with alcohol addiction and infidelity/divorce. To look at her, she has a charmed life, but scratch the surface and we all have troubles. I recently read a saying, “If everyone put all their troubles in a pile for all to see, you would take your own back”. 

Post # 12
Member
498 posts
Helper bee

Preach. Nothing about TTC is fair. 

Post # 13
Member
204 posts
Helper bee

I have had simila experiences. It is awful! I’m sorry this is so hard. I wish I had some great advice, but I don’t.

Post # 14
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Give yourself permission to wallow and be angry/jealous/b*tchy galore for 1 day. Get it out of your system. And then stop. TTC is not a zero sum game. She can have her baby and it will have no impact on you being able to have yours.

Look at the life you already have. Really, truly, deeply look at it. Find the beauty in your life as it exists right now. Appreciate what you have, even if it isn’t exactly what you want.

And perhaps it is time for you to make an appointment with an RE. Taking the step down this path is scary and hard, but perhaps it is time for you to change your own TTC game plan. What you have been doing has not gotten you closer to your goal, so maybe it is time to shake things up a bit.

Post # 15
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I don’t want kids, but i get why you’re feeling that way.

Maybe she’ll grow up and learn when she has her baby.

I hope you become a mother soon too. 🙂 Good luck!

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