Post # 1
I’m the MOH in my best friends wedding coming up on June 29, 2013.
For the past year and a half; she has done nothing but ridicule, imitate, put down, and complain about her FI’s family. She has a strong hatred for her FMIL, and does not get along with her FFIL either.
Nothing FMIL does/says/breathes is right. She can’t stand most of the family. She’s jealous of a new baby (FI’s brother’s girlfriend had a baby and most of the attention was/is on the baby, and rightfully so) – and makes it very clear – she’s even gone as far to say “[FMIL] isn’t going to see my children, not after she treated me this way.”
They’re having a small wedding; and the majority of the guests invited are FI’s family [much to bride’s dismay].
Because of her attitude and comments towards the overall wedding process and family [comments about me probably included, but not directly to me], I talked to my other close friend and my Mom and decided not to throw a shower for her.
85% of the people invited to her wedding are FI’s family and friends. The majority of her family that was invited to the wedding lives out of province. I did not feel comfortable with nor supportive of the idea of holding a shower for her based on the fact that she isn’t friendly/appreciative of these people on a daily basis. Why, would I “force” her to attend a shower with them – so she can “fake” nice to them for a few hours, because they’re buying her gifts? I’m SO unsupportive of that type of behaviour.
I don’t really know if I’m looking for feedback, or criticism, or what – I just felt the need to put it out there.
Post # 3
I think it was perfectly okay to not throw a shower. You are on HER side of the family and that would pertain mostly to guests that are also on her side. If they are all out of province, then no need. But since most of the guests are on HIS side, then someone from his side should be the host for that shower. The only tradition I know of is that both MOG and MOB (and wedding party members) would be invited to any and all showers.
Post # 4
I probably wouldn’t have either. And, good luck to them. It’s very difficult to maintain a relationship let alone a marriage when your spouse hates your family. I feel bad for you and her FI.
Post # 5
I don’t fully understand the point of showers anyway, so I say good for you. There is no reason to host a party for the bride and invite a bunch of people she always shit talks. I would feel awkward watching her fake “nice” to everyone in the hopes of getting more gifts.
Post # 6
@rebeccalena: I disagree whole-heartedly with some of these “MOH duties” lists floating around the Bee and the internet, so I do not think you “have” to throw her anything.
Post # 7
I’m kind of wondering why you continue to choose to be her MOH, after her behavior has been displayed? I say you totally have a choice as to if you want to throw something for her…totally your right! And I see your reasons for doing it.
But I guess I do wonder why are you still her friend? Did you ever consider just not being in the wedding? Or you didn’t want to take it that far? Were you trying to make a point?
I know someone very similiar to your bride and once I saw it, I backed off…way off. It just wasn’t something I wanted to be a part of.
Post # 8
@rebeccalena: what about the people on the bride’s side, doesn’t she have a few relatives and friends going to the wedding. i don’t know if you’ve talked to the bride about this. but what about putting a luncheon together for her nearest and dearest. it doesn’t have to be a shower.
Post # 9
@badabing88: Agreed. My MOH told me straight up that she had no idea what she was supposed to do. I told her that I didn’t know either lol. We went through a couple of those lists and crossed off 99% of the stuff on them. She was asking me about a shower recently, and I told her that she is more than welcome to throw me one if she is comfortable doing so and would like to. If she doesn’t that’s okay, too. She lives an hour away and works full time, and the only thing I expected of her was to show up at the wedding (though she went above and beyond).
Post # 10
Why not have a small intimate shower with you, her family and friends, and the rest of her bridal party? Where I’m from it’s quite common for both the bride’s side (usually bridal party or a close aunt) to throw a shower, as well as someone from the grooms side. This way she can still have a shower, you’ll still be a kick a$$ MOH, and only the people she is closest with will be in attendance. If her FMIL wants to throw one for the grooms side-they can deal with it, and you don’t have to be involved.
Post # 11
@rebeccalena: Every wedding is different! No problem with that!
Post # 12
@rebeccalena: I totally agree that you don’t HAVE to throw a shower, but I disagree with your reasoning. My MOH hears most of my in-law complaints, as she’s my best friend and the person who’s not going to judge me for getting mad about my FMIL bugging me about having more flowers, ect.
It might be selfish (it is), but the people who’ve put me through the most drama over wedding things are…kind of the people I’d want to buy me presents!
I get that her complaints are more intense, but it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t deserve a shower because she’s been complaining about them. My MOH is the person I vent to (and she does to me too). I think that’s fair.
I’m certainly not blaming you in the situation, but why are you her MOH? It doesn’t sound like you’re even friends.
Post # 13
@Coral99: It’s been like this since Day 1 of engagement (and before, obviously) – but it’s become more prevalent within the past 2 months. The wedding is June 29. I contemplated ‘dropping out’ for too long, and left it until it’s too late. I can’t do that to her now.
Post # 14
I agree with other PPs- maybe have a low-key luncheon with some of the members on her side of the family if possible.
Though with the way she apparently hates her FI’s family (it’s the “she’s never seeing my kids” line that throws the red flag), I’d wonder how this marriage is going to last…
Post # 15
@mrs-evans: It doesn’t sound like we’re friends? We are, most definitely, but just because I’m her friend doesn’t mean I have to agree with (nor support) decisions that are 110% against my own beliefs and morals.
I considered doing a shower/luncheon for only “her” side – but as I said, 85% of the invited are her FI’s family, the remaining 15% is obviously her side. Of those leftover, 15 people are coming from Nova Scotia; remaining in our area would be her mother, her 2 other BM’s, one aunt, and two neighbours.
FionnaCake hit the proverbial nail on the head; I don’t feel comfortable supporting an environment where she fakes “nice” to everyone in the hopes of getting more (or any) gifts from them.
To all those who asked how the marriage is going to last; Lord help us all, I have no idea. The examples I gave are few off the top of my head, to which I could tell you more, and more, and more. He’s an amazing guy; he’s just too “scared” (I think) to stand up to her. They’re eachother’s first and only “love”, I don’t know that he knows how, or is confident enough to leave now. Her behaviour towards his family has dramatically (literally) increased since their engagement last May.
Post # 16
This girl has a long road ahead of her, especially if she decides to have kids. There is no way, unless her FI is 100% supportive that she can keep her kids away from the grandma.
I know that had nothbing to do with you rpost, but I had to get it out there. I think-no- I KNOW you are justified not throwing her a shower.