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Did anyone see or hear about this story? I saw it on the Today Show this morning: http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/41872847/ns/today-books/
Basically it's about a woman who, as a mother of two boys, aged 3 and 5, came to the realization that she never wanted to be a mother. She divorced her husband and he took over as the primary caregiver for the boys. They are now teenagers and she has written a memoir about her life and decision to become a "part-time mother."
Here's another article written by the woman to offer a slightly different perspective: http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2011/02/28/leaving_my_children/index.html
I posted this link on my Facebook this morning and it sparked some really interesting debate. I know there are a lot of moms and moms-to-be on the boards so I'm especially interested in what they have to say.
How do you feel about this? Is it really possible to be a "part-time mom"? Is this different from a man leaving a woman after feeling the "burden" of parenthood?
I skimmed through both the links you provided. I find it sort of sad. Sad that she left the man she loved, sad that she realised far too late that she didn't want children. But at least she didn't stay and raise them without love. She didn't grow to resent them whilst living with them. That would have been worse.
My opinion also depends on how she handles it now as well. If her children want nothing to do with her then she cannot try to force her way back in. She made her choice, now let them make theirs.
People make mistakes in life, think they want one thing and really they want another. She didn't leave them in the street or anything. It's certainly sad but I don't think she's an awful person. She obviously just didn't get the maternal instinct that many have. I think it's harder for another mother to accept this story. I'm not a mother so I can see her side of things. Though I do hope to be one one day.
I had to stop reading all of the comments that had been left on the msnbc page. One person put it perfectly: very few of those comments would have been there if she were a man.
I'm sorry but it's true. I, for one, think she did a very brave thing. She gave her children what she could of herself. I would rather have a few hours of quality time with my mother than years of fighting and resentment. Those of us who come from fractured families that stayed together "for the kids" will tell you it's not always a good thing. I don't necessarily like what she did. But I don't see it as abandonment. She and her husband divorced. Their boys live with him. Why is that so hard to grasp? That the man would be better equipped to give full-time care than the mother? They made the decision that was best for the kids. She lives down the street and the time that they have together is devoted purely to just that: quality time together.
The simple truth is she never wanted to be a mother. She should not have had children. But she did, and she's giving them what she can. It's not perfect, but it's their life and their family and their decision. I'm appalled at how quick so many people are to call her horrible names and condemn her when they don't know two things about her. Again--if she were a man this conversation wouldn't even be taking place.
While I don't think its a good situation AT ALL, I must say... I work with children deemed unsuitable for foster homes, ie. they were kicked out of many foster homes due to their behavior and now live in their own homes with workers coming in and out twice a day to take care of them (obviously not the ideal but thats not the point), and if you talk to these children and read their files about all of the horrible things their parents did to them to get them taken away in the first place, you'd wish that their parents would have been honest with themselves and said 'you know what, i'm not cut out to be a parent' and done something about it then and there. These children are so deeply scarred that they will NEVER live normal lives. So yeah, it could be a lot worse than becoming a 'part time mom'.
Yes there could be things worse than a part time mom, but sorry I have no sympathy for people like this. My mother left us when I was 12. Actually we were taken from her by a family member bc she chose abusive men and other recreational activities over us. She had 5 kids ranging in age at that time from 26-9. She was told she could have us back if and when she got her life in order. Well she did, but never wanted us back and now 28 years later she tries to act like nothing has happened and she did nothing wrong. You have NO idea the impact something like that has on someone until you have been through it or you've worked with children who have gone through it. Those children were lucky bc they had their father, I did not have the luxury. Yes people make mistakes, but you also need to take responsibility for those mistakes and realize the consequences your actions had. For me a memoir to which you are making money, is quite disgusting as well.
Honestly I think most people would feel the same way if she was a man. Men who father children and then become emotionally or physically absent (or semi-absent) from their lives are not exactly admired in our society. Pretty much it's one of the most despicable things a man can do. Nobody aspires to be a part-time dad. It's the suckiest thing in the world, besides physical abuse, which is not a factor in this case.
On the contrary I think people are more willing to give her a pass since she's a woman and she can embrace a pseudo-feminist, "finding my identity apart from my husband and chldren" narrative. There's nothing feminist about it. Living with integrity and being true to your greatest self as a woman (or a man) requires finding how your identity fits within the context of the responsibilities and choices you've already made. If "part time parenthood" was anybody's true identity, that would make them a pretty lousy person. Luckily I don't think it IS anyone's truest, highest self. It's a path people choose for themselves because of their limitations, NOT because of their strengths.
The book is about self-involvement, not self-discovery.
@Magdalena: As a mother who has made many sacrifices as a result of having a child, I agree with much of this. I'm a "You make choices and you live with them" kind of person.
And P.S. how nice it must be for her children growing up knowing she feels this way. I don't care what anyone says, that is going to cause them a lifetime of pain.
I think her brutal honesty is refreshing, quite frankly. Lots of people feel pressured into motherhood by society, and I think it's an important aspect of our world to bring out into the open. I also think the fact that she realized this and was able to find her own path and voice was brave.
If she were a man going off on a business trip or being a less involved parent, nobody would bat an eye and a thread would never have been started to discuss the situation.
I can't even read what she wrote. It is written so, so poorly.
Also I find it in very bad taste to compare your life to the events in Hiroshima. Because unlike you, the people of Hiroshima didn't choice to have a bomb dropped on them and suffer radiation posioning.
I think she kind of sucks. It one thing to say - "I never wanted to be a mother, I want out" and totally leave. Fine do THAT. It's another to want the BENEFITS of having children without having to care for them. I think she's just being super selfish in the name of "self-discovery".
There's no such thing as a "part-time" parent. Just because she was a mother doesn't mean she couldn't find something fulfilling to suppliment her role in the home, if that's what she needed. She could have told her husband she wanted a career and they could have worked something out so she could continue working or started a new career. Plus according to her story - they had a caregiver for their children so I get people being overwhelmed but it seems like she had plenty of help and support from her husband.
Even if she felt she was pressured into motherhood - it's a decision she made, twice. Sometimes people need to realize that the choices they make in life have consequences.
She's not on the edge of anything ground-breaking - she's just a dead-beat parent with a book about it. I think people would see a man who left his family the same way - it's just selfishiness.
I don't really get it....she didn't leave her children, she moved down the street and had partial custody. And her husband would have supported her going overseas for long periods of time so she could do what she wanted in life, she left a marriage.
@camrie: I was trying to think of a way to explain my ambivalence about this woman and your post is way better, so I'm just gonna say I agree with you.
With every choice you make, you take something on, and you give something up. It's called life.
@camrie: I totally agree.
Others may disagree but when you have children, your top priority becomes them, and you put yourself second. There are other ways of "finding yourself" besides moving to a foregn country and deciding you only want to be a part time mother. Being a parent is 24 hours a day-forever. Regardless whether she was talked into having children, that was a choice she made. And now those children will grow up and be able to read about how their mother never really wanted them. I think it's sad.
And I would have the same feelings if a man wrote this book.
I think she's selfish. She had the children and dumped them. She left the country and now she's making money off of the entire situation. Someday those kids are going to read the book and see her for how truely selfish she is. She's not brave, she's a coward.
I agree with sceeder .... how on earth can she compare her selfish acts with those of a city full of people who had a bomb dropped on them.
I read both articles. I'd be interested to read it from her husband's perspective. From hers alone though? I don't feel she did anything so bad. She created a life she could be happy with. She didn't abandon her children, she moved a few doors down. She was still a part of their lives, involved, caring, present.
I guess its a bit sad she got talked into having kids when she knew she didn't want them but everyone seems happy in the end. Her husband promised to be the primary caregiver and he was. Her sons are loved and cared for. She has created a life she is happy with... I don't see a big problem.
So many great responses! Here's my two cents:
This makes me very, very mad. It's one thing to make a decision like this and go about your life saying, "Well, it was the best choice for me and my family and I accept that." It's another thing to write a book about it and go on every news outlet telling your story and basically justifying and advocating your decisions. I mean, we can debate how the original decision to leave her family affected her sons, but is there any doubt that hearing their mother on national tv say that she never wanted them is going to affect them negatively?
I thought for a long time if I feel differently about this woman than I would if the story was about a man, and the truth is most men don't write memoirs of leaving their children. Parenthood is definitely not for everyone which is why everyone (not just women) need to carefully consider it before becoming a parent. But once you have kids, you need to take responsibility.
I often don't comment on "hot topics" like this just because there is often a debate about right & wrong. However, I'm loving the different perspectives on this, and thought I'd add mine.
I think what she is doing is pretty awful. No one knows the circumstances of other people's marriages... so who knows what was REALLY going on and what drove her to want to leave. But to leave her children like that AND THEN WRITE PUBLICLY ABOUT IT is extremely hurtful and selfish of this woman. What mother would ever write "I never wanted to be a mother." knowing that her children might read it? And what about "Would I do it again? Yes."
Everyone goes through issues you in their lives. I, unfortunately, know several women who aren't the best mothers and had babies because of their husbands' desires. However, they are trying to make it work. And if you need to move down the street to do that, fine. But if you are going to write about it... to go on the record and say you didn't want children... to say that you needed to leave for a little while... I think that, from the child's perspective, reading that years later will have you doubting how your mother ever felt about me. I'd be heartbroken to hear that my mom didn't want children-- I'd feel like a life-long accident. Like a life-long burden. Sure, I can guarantee that my mother had days when she wanted time away from us. When she had too many tears and "He broke it" shrieks and "I hate her!" fights between my brother and I. But she didn't leave. And she certainly didn't let us know that she might have felt like she wanted to...
A mother's love should be unconditional. If you don't want kids, fine- don't have them. If you realize AFTER you have them that you don't want kids, fine- work it out. But don't write about it for the world to see. Think about your children FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE.
I'm torn. I don't think anyone should be convinced to be a mother. I know what it's like to not feel wanted by your own mother who feels stuck and it's awful. When my parents divorced I was relieved. I
But at the same time I'm only days away from becoming a mother. And I know that there are going to be many hard days when I wonder what I've done, but regardless of how I feel about parenthood, I am responsible for this life I've chosen to create. It wasn't a rape or even an accident. It was planned and my husband and I are now forever responsible for the life we have created. Being a parent means sacrificing and compromising.
I work in social services with kids and families. I see beaten, neglected and unwanted children all the time. Parents who can't be bothered. At least she is doing what she can in her own way to be there for her kids, to figure out how she can be the best mom that possible for her to be. It's sub par and I wonder about the impact on her kids.
But I despise her for making this public. Opening her kids' lives up to be criticized and examined and commented on by strangers just to make money on a book. Even if she feels the need to "tell her story", she's not doing what's best for her kids by going public with this. She should let them grow up in peace, not in the media.
@camrie: yep that sums it up! I agree with everything you wrote.
This woman is an idiot, and she's exploiting her children.
Personally, I think she should have discussed the fact that she didn't want children with her ex-husband BEFORE she got married, saw it as a deal breaker, and found someone else who shared her sentiment of not wanting children. I think it's one thing to have children, and then realize after the fact that you didn't want them, but I do think it's awful that she wrote a book and publicized the fact that she never wanted children--how will her children feel after reading this? If I was a child, and my mother told me she never wanted me, I would be devastated.
@sceeder: it was written SO poorly omg - I was like what the hell is she saying?
@camrie: 110% agree!!
I feel that she is selfish and didnt take responsibility for the choices she made in her life. I would feel the exact same way if it were a man.
This sort of thing is exactly why I have no patience for people telling me that I will regret not wanting or having children.
There is often not a switch of maternal love and caregiving that goes off when you have children. There are plenty of women who know that they have no calling to be a mother and that children will never be their priority in life. Yet, for those of us who feel that way face a lot of pressure to change our minds. From parents, friends, random older people on the street... they all say we'll change our minds. That it'll be different when they're our kids.
It's not always. Sometimes people just know and kids are not a reversible decision. Women can regret having children as much if not more than they regret not having them - and it's much, much worse when it happens that way because now there's children involved.
@CorgiTales: I agree with you 100%, although I don't fully get this...it sounds to me like 90% of all divorced couples with small children. Except the gender roles are usually reversed.
I feel the same way about her that I would feel if it were a man who emotionally abandoned his children: she's a putz. And she wrote a book to justify it!
This is why, if you don't want children, you should use birth control or get your tubes tied or get a vasectemy. Period. Don't have children who have to suffer through your crap just because you didn't bother taking the time to think through your life choices.
@MissGreen: I'm with you. My mom left when I was still a baby, and all communication with her was through her lawyer. I spent my entire life hearing things like "never wanted this child," and "don't want to parent." You should have figured that out before you had children.
I struggle with the publicness of this. Her children are teens, and will be able to read this stuff online (or buy her book). What a thing to have to deal with as a teen. The other side of the coin is that kids grow up. There might be a point where her children lay down some boundaries about not wanting her in their lives, or only wanting her in their lives part-time. I wonder what that would be like for her?
And I hear the point that she moved a few doors down. But in the second article she said she gets a "few hours of 1950's mothering in" and then sends them home. Is she a mother or a baby sitter? In my clinical practice (I'm a licensed therapist), I work with kids who have a full time parent and what I call the fun parent (you want ice cream for dinner? Of Course! Then we'll send you home to your full time parent who can deal with the consequences of this!). She sounds like the non-committed fun parent to me.
I read the article and watched the clip—I don't think she left her children nor is she a deadbeat mom. I think she got divorced and has joint custody.
I understand her position—a lot of bees here are only in their early 20s and complain that we older bees have no right to judge them and talk about "traveling the world."
This woman is a perfect example of that advice—she did not know a life outside of being a wife, until she won this fellowship. When you are married later in life, you may have had the opportunity to live alone and in different countries or different cities and a joint life of marriage is a choice. She married her high school sweetheart and did not have a chance to know what it was like to be herself, just hersef, not a wife or a mother.
Gosh I love these boards!! I was ranting to my husband about this all last night!! It enrages me!! I'm definitely in the "she sucks" camp. Camrie said it best!
What drives me most crazy about this entire article is she makes it seem like she had no choice. That she was forced into marriage and motherhood by "societal pressure"
NEW FLASH thats a bunch of BS!!
I don't know about any of you ladies, but I CHOSE to become a wife and I will proudly one day CHOOSE to become a parent. Under no circumstances are women forced to do anything by men or society in western civilization. As a matter of fact, women control quite a bit these days.
I am bothered that she tries to use the argument that because she's a woman she's demonized. If she did this as a man, no one would say anything. What planet does she live on?? If a man walks out on his family he is labeled as a Deadbeat Dad. However this woman has the gaul to call herself a 'hero' for doing it? How is THAT not a double standard favoring women? Quit playing the "women aren't equal" card. You can be as equal as you want if you have a big enough mouth. In fact, some might argue women have MORE power in society these days. I certainly feel like I wear the pants in my relationship!
The other part that absolutely kills me about this story is the sheer fact that she had a loving and supportive spouse trying to let her be happy. She had a career opportunity to leave her family to live in Japan for 6 full months and he happily HELPED her do that! Her husband supported her, told her she should do this for her happiness, and that he would watch the children and they would even plan visits to Japan to see her. They were all set for her return and for life to go back to normal however after her 6 months was up she returns saying "I realized I had done the thing I said I would never do, put someones life before my own" and then up and divorced her husband and left her children.
Looks like she never had a hard time putting herself first if you ask me!
This might be off topic but my heart also aches for families who struggle with fertility issues when they see dumb asses like this on the news glorifying their new found 'freedom' away from family life because they "never wanted it anyway".
I don't know if anyone else said this or not but all of this would be so different if she were a man.
ETA: I'm not justifying her actions or the fact that she felt the need to write a book about it.
@MissHoneyBun: Agreed.
You can't force people to have feelings they don't, and I've seen firsthand what growing up with a mother who resents you will do to a person. Far, far better in my opinion to design a less-than perfect living situation than to force your children to suffer your bitterness and recrimination. Insisting that she should "face the consequences" of her decision to procreate will lead to her children growing up feeling like just that, punishment their mother must bear. Little bundles of bad things that ruined Mommy's life, even if she never says anything of the sort.
Would it have been better if she had the maturity and insight to realize she never wanted children before giving birth? Of course. Do I wish she'd had the bravery to resist social pressure when it came time to say no to kids, rather than to leave? No question. But she didn't, and this is, I think, a superior idea to, say, drowning the kids in the bathtub or driving them into a lake.
I would also note that there's a difference between realizing you are not cut out to be a mother in the sense that you are not emotionally or intellectually equipped to serve as a primary care giver and saying you don't want your actual, living, breathing kids. She makes it very clear in the article that she loves both of her sons very much, but that her basic personality is such that raising them full time is unhealthy for her and them. And what's so terrible about that?
Comparing divorce and moving down the street so that the kids can stay with Dad in the marital home while he serves as the number one custodial parent to abandoning one's children completely doesn't work. It's apples to oranges. The circumstances just aren't equivalent.
@teaadntoast: Or, like the woman down my street, chop them up and shove them in the freezer :/
I think what she did is less important than how she has portrayed it to the media and (presumably) explained it to her husband, children, family, friends, etc.
I think someone already said that it seems like she is using her story for publicity, and I have to lean in that direction as well. I don't think there is anything wrong with a woman taking an opportunity for her career with the support of her family, realizing that she is growing apart from her husband and kids, realizing that her life is not what she wants it to be, and working within her means to make that life possible. Without the media frenzy that she's created by writing her story in the way she did (which I do agree was terrible writing), I imagine her family arrangement might work just fine.
It's the way she's spun the story and her methods in doing so that bother me.
I just want to say that I'm so glad I posted this! You all have responded with such well thought out and educated responses. Keep em coming!
I also wanted to add as a funny sidenote that I noticed on my second time watching the video that Meredith Vieira calls the woman by the wrong name three times in her interview!!
@teaadntoast: You articulate your feelings very well, and I'm interested to know how you feel about her writing and promoting her book in this manner. To me, there's a difference between doing what works for your family and publicizing your private affairs in such a way where it could be hurtful your family.
This woman sickens me. I would feel the same way if she were a man. She is basically saying her needs were more important than her children's. And she is so very proud of herself, which, as PPs have said, is the worst part.
To try to gain some respect, she could use the profits from her book about not wanting her kids to start a charitable foundation for Single Dads and Step Parents.
Kids hurt really deeply when their mom leaves to discover herself. The adults who make the sacrifice to step in and pick up the ball when someone else has dropped it are society's unsung heroes.
I think I should return here, since I was one of the posters who didn't absolutely condemn her. My told my SO, and he had a very visceral reactions AGAINST her. His father left when he was very young. He was very mentally ill, and knew he was, and knew he wasn't capable of rearing a child. So he divorced SOs mother and then killed himself. FMIL raised him to believe that he was meant to bring him onto this earth, and her now husband was meant to raise him. That he left because he knew he wasn't good enough. FMIL said to me once that SOs dad absolutely worshipped SO. Loved him more than anything else. When I told SO she'd said that, he responded: "He still left."
It touched something in me, his reaction. A reaction from someone who WAS left. I just thought it was worth putting out here.
"Without a strong marriage to support me, after four months alone and in a new country I had grown to love but was only just beginning to understand how to navigate, I had no idea what to do with these bouncing balls of energy."
I'm with troubled. While her angle is that she doesn't want to be a mother, reading the article I think she just didn't want to be in that relationship anymore. Maybe they had differences over what constituted appropriate parenting, maybe a wedge was driven between them that neither had a strong enough desire to change. Whatever the case, she split from her husband, and moved down the street. Maybe he wanted them more, but I don't think she doesn't want them at all. She sees her kids almost every day, and has basically the same relationship with them that she would have if she lived at home and hired a nanny. I don't see it as abandonment, and don't know why she spun it/sees it that way.. maybe from being bombarded with questions from friends and family? (completely hypothetical, but the only thing I can think of).
As for the publishing of the book.. she's a writer. Writers write as therapy (in my experience). I haven't decided how I feel about her publishing this, but I don't demonize her for it. Maybe it'll help some other women out there who also don't want primary custody of their children come to terms with it, or keep her strength when defending her choice to friends and family.
4 of the 7 children I have are products of "I don't want to parent anymore." None of them came to me at birth. One at 2, one at 5 months, and the twins at 3 yrs old. They will have lifelong issues of abandonment.
BUT, in reading that article, as well as the Salon.com I don't think the media fairly portrayed this lady. She is with the kids about 50% of the time, from what I can see. I don't see it as any different than other joint custody agreements.
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