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First let me start by saying how wonderful my relationship is, how my my Honey loves and how I know he wants to marry me (its a matter of when not if). We've actually planned a lot of the wedding any even narrowed down an ideal date. And on all other counts my Honey is (almost) the perfect man, standing by my side through law school and supporting me while i am studying for the bar. However there is a dark side. Well not really dark but not so great. This summer, after we moved in together, he admitted that the main thing he was waiting for was for me to reach my weight loss goals. Im only about 10 pounds away from my goal, but i have to admit the process has taken me awhile. When we met i was about 20 pounds overweight and he was cool with it because he knew i was working on losing it. But these last 10 pounds are taking forever to lose.
This frustrates me to no end. I feel like he should propose because he loves me and he knows i am actively trying to reach my goals. At this point i am working out 5-6 days a week and i dont know what more i can do. I know some people would comsider this a deal breaker, but i dont because like i said he is perfect in everyother way and usually makes me feel loved, wanted and beautiful. Fitness is just extreamly important to him and he is afraid because many of his friend's wives gained a lot o weight after they got married and he feels like if im my ideal weight before we get married its more likely i will stay that way.
On the one and i understand him but on the other hand, i feel like he should know who i am, know that i am trying and just have faith in me. We had several big blowouts about this over the summer, but in September we had a calm talk about it and he claimed h eunderstood my side of it. It hasnt been brought up since. The past couple of weeks we have been looking at rings but im still stressing....is he over the whole weight issue? Or is he just trying to keep me happy for now? Or he may honestly be planning to propose in the not so near future (it took him almost a year and a half to say i love you). I really dont know what to do, or how not stress over this whole thing. Sorry its so long and thanks for letting me vent.
Hmmmm. I have never heard of such a thing. I would be really heart broken to be honest. It is your relationship, and you know him best. You also know how much you can tolerate. But to me that is very discouraging, stressful, and I am sure, it must bring your self esteem down. I just think he should love you for you, for your heart, and your beauty that you hold now. Not what you will look like 10 lbs from now. And btw, 10 lbs is pretty much nothing, so that seems a bit ridculous. Maybe its a bit of a cop out. I hope you get through this. You need to talk to him about it though, and tell him you don;t like to be measured by your weight, as any woman should not.
This actually sounds like a horrible situation to me. 10 pounds are more important to him than your personality/how much he wants to be with you? What about when you have kids? What if you were to have a disability that made it difficult to work out? What if your body chemistry changes and you can't work off the extra weight?
I think it is a shallow, shallow thing for him to be witholding his committment because of something as stupid as 10 pounds.I would not marry someone who was more concerned about my weight than about our relationship.
My aunt was in an emotionally abusive marriage until a couple of years ago - she was not fat by any stretch, but her husband constantly made comments about her shape and breast size, etc. WHen she was pregnant, he told her he had to go to strip bars because she was fat and that made her unattractive to her.
There are SO MANY guys out there that aren't that way. Why not find someone who accepts ALL fo you for who you are, and marry tham> Because it sounds like your current relationship is really unhealthy.
I would definitely consider that a dark side. I am debating how honest to be with you, because seriously... that sucks. Big time. The person you want to spend the rest of your life with should want to do the same with you, no matter what your weight is. As far as reasons to not get engaged go... thats a dumb/horrible/douchebag reason of one. That would be like my fiance telling me he doesnt want to get engaged until my hair grows out.
Don't get me wrong. I understand the health reasons associated with being overweight. I understand that sex lives tend to become better, and people are more attractive to their partners when they are healthy, as evident by my fiance's increased sex drive since I have started working out.
However, it is not a good, or even okay, reason to put off an engagement.
To me it sounds like he is dangling a carrot in front of your face, which is wrong wrong wrong. Only you can decide if you are okay with this, or if he is worth waiting for, because I wouldn't be.
I agree with PPs. That would not be a cool situation to be in, and I'd consider leaving. What happens when you get pregnant? Are you going to be held to that same expectation?
On a side note, you said you're working out, but you said nothing about your eating habits. Diet has A LOT to do with weight loss.
I wish the best for you.
I'd find it shallow & insulting. What kind of prize does he think he is?
If you feel the need to lose weight because YOU want to for YOURSELF, that's perfectly fine. But to do it to try to make yourself worthy of some guy? Ugh.
That's pretty awful. Sorry, I'm being honest with you. He'd consider not proposing until you lost a certain amount of weight? Really? Anyone who works out can tell you it's not about how much weight you loose. It's about how you feel! When I was losing weight I ended up gaining a lot of muscle and muscle weighs more than fat.
i'm sorry, that sounds like an awful situation... have you had a talk with him about it? i am kind of confused as to why that would be the reason he's waiting to propose... i can understand his wants for you to be healthy, but it's like dangling a carrot in front of you with your weight loss as the threshold. if you really want to be with him, i suggest having a real frank conversation and discuss what is important to both of you. it seems like you've already done a good job of reaching your goal....
I agree with you guys that it is really shallow and thats why I had been stressing so much over it. But on every other aspect of our relationship is great. He has been there for me through some really tough times, he encourages me, and is generally really supportive. He's never called me fat or anything and actually constantly tells me im beautiful. Either way it goes im going to lose the weight, but its just annoying that he felt that way. Like i said he hasnt brought it up since our last talk so hopefuly he has seen how shallow it was. This is honestly the only issue in our relationship so hopefully we can get over it and move on.
It seems quite demeaning to me. Is he going to weigh her periodically after they're married? What happens when she's pregnant? Or has to take some meds that cause weight gain?
It concerns me that they've had "major blow ups" over this. Sounds as if he may have turned her head around & gotten her to believe this is something she "should" do for him.
Creepy.
Maybe you need to make sure he meets your requirements too before you marry him? Does he have 6 pack abs? 5% or lower body fat? How fast can he run a mile? I mean these are pretty important things to consider before you marry the guy!!!
Ok that is snarky I admit, but seriously he sounds overly obsessed with your weight. Do what you want but remember that you will feel pressure to maintain his weight standards the rest of your days.
I'm sorry you are going through this. So when you met your SO you were not overweight? Just wondering because I think he should like you for who you are not what's on the outside. I really don't consider 10lbs to be overweight by the way. Maybe with your last talk he finally realized how silly he is being. Hopefully he did get over that. You should probably talk to him about it to make sure. I also think he shouldn't compare your relationship to a friends. Just cause his wife gained weight does not mean you will. That just doesn't make sense to me. Anyways, just the fact you lost 10lbs is totally awesome. Great job!! Be proud of that and don't dwell on the last 10.
How can he make you feel beautiful if he won't marry you until you lose 10 pounds? Clearly you're not beautiful enough for him to marry until the scale says you are. I'm sorry, but I am absolutely appalled on your behalf. This is totally unacceptable behavior and you do not have to stand for it, I don't care if he's prince charming on all other accounts.
Also, like someone else mentioned, what happens when you have babies? He does realize that your body is going to change, right? Or are you guys going to seperate if you gain anything more than 5 pounds? Is that going to be a part of your vows? For richer or poorer, sickness and in health, so long as you don't gain more than 10 pounds?
I mean, honestly. Words can't really express how horrified I am at this post. He should be ashamed of himself.
I will have to say that would pissed me off big time. It's great that he is perfect in all other aspect, but this isn't like him leaving the toilet seat up or not taking out the trash..Him not accepting your addition 10 lbs. is a big deal. As we age, we're going to start putting on the weight, our boobs aren't going to stay perky and our bellies will hang even more loose..our ability to lose weight will be that much more difficult. It's ridiculous that 10 lbs. is what's keeping you from being marriage bound. I feel for you, I am rather difficult on myself when it comes to weight loss..if someone I love were to criticize me..i would be devastated. Good luck with your last 10 lbs., but my advice is to do it for you..not for your SO and certainly not for a ring. =)
Yeah, I would probably leave him. That sounds very shallow and hateful. He won't propose because he wants you to lose the last 10 pounds? I would not be happy if my FI said that to me. Then when and if he proposes, will he say he won't marry you until you can fit into a size 2 dress? Then later in life will he cheat on you because you gained weight carrying his children? (if you want children) Yeah...this is just the beginning hon.
I'm sorry, but I have to agree with PPs. This sounds like a dark side that I wouldn't want to have anything to do with. What you described sounds a lot like the kind of emotional abuse and self esteem shredding that I dealt with when I dated a guy who had an eating disorder (long before I met FI). He often made "jokes" about how a bride gained 10 lbs for every step she took down the aisle. Needless to say, I didn't tolerate that kind of "joking" for long. It sounds like maybe your SO is projecting his own issues with weight or fitness onto you. Even if you do lose those last 10 lbs (which, unless you're 3 ft tall, is NOT a significant amount of weight), I doubt that dark side will go away.
I wish you both nothing but happiness.
But how disgusting. "I love you. I just don't want to marry you until you meet my expectations". If you told him you don't think you're going to lose that last 10...then what?
I can understand that perhaps he's waiting for you to achieve a goal. I can understand that he wants his partner in life to be healthy and healthy-minded like he is. I can also understand that perhaps the proposal is somehow connected to you reaching your goal (but I don't want to allude too much and spoil anything for you). Has he specifically said that he's concerned about you carrying extra weight or is there something else? I'd hate to think the worst of anyone's SO so I'm not going to.
I am still fuming for you! I gained 10 lbs when my fiance was deployed....he was my boyfriend at the time and once he came home he proposed when I was at my heaviest. Because he loves my personality. Because he loves my face. Because he loves ME. I wish I could say something kind but this is no bueno!
You should let him read this post of what people have written about his "excuse" and "shallowniss" maybe it will be an eye opener.
Although this example is the EXTREME I want to point out that abuse isnt always physical. I mean women stay in relationships with men who HIT them bc everything else is right, he pays the bills, says he loves her, says he is sorry....
how is this any different?
Everything is PERFECT expect he is emotionally abusing you!! This is an awful situation and I have to agree with previous posters. Get out. Find someone who today, this very day, loves you exactly for who you are, your weight, your sense of humor EVERYTHING and will marry you when you weigh 99 pounds or 300 pounds....THATS LOVE
@CapeBoundBride: I can understand that he wants his partner in life to be healthy and healthy-minded like he is.
She already is. She works out 5 to 6 days a week and I assume eats healthy. So she is healthy-minded. Just because she hasn't made it to some arbitrary number on a scale doesn't mean she doesn't care about her health. Plus, she's only 10 pounds overweight. That is nothing! His concerns are cosmetic, pure and simple. Shallow to the extreme, not to mention controlling, misogynistic and downright douchy.
Ugh.
Wow. I don't even know what to say to you. It sounds like he is putting you down so you feel dependent on him and desperate for him to want to marry you. I'm sorry but if my BF ever told me our engagement was contingent upon my weight loss, i'd be out. You say he makes you feel beautiful but it certainly doesn't sound like it. I think he sounds like a total DB [for lack of a better word]. It sounds like you're making excuses for him because you think you want to marry him...trust me if your man truly made you feel sexy, beautiful, empowered, etc...you would know it and you would never have to stress about 10 measly pounds. I think you should think really hard if you want a forever with him. He does not sound loving or fantastic. And if he's perfect in "Every other way" that's not enough in my opinion
I'm sorry I'm so blunt/harsh but men like this really burn me up. So after you get preggo and have a baby is he going to be on your case until you lose the baby weight? Give me a break!
I'd like to throw in that a number on a scale means very little. Someone who weighs 130lbs could be a size 8, but someone else the exact same height and weight could be a size 4. You shouldn't judge your health or how you feel about yourself based on a number, it's about how you actually look and feel.
I agree with lezlers, you're already healthy, he's being unrealistic.
Oh and also, you say when he met you you had weight to lose but it was okay with him because you were "trying" This guy sounds like a serious jerk.
I don't agree with his reason for not proposing. Let me ask you, what happens when you get an illness or you naturally age where your weight goes above "his" preferred? Will he divorce you for that? I think it's incredibly possessive and leaves a really bad taste in my mouth. You're a very intelligent person, I would make sure you understand his behavior before marrying him or getting engaged for that matter.
I really don't intend to sound mean, but he sounds like the most shallow person I've ever heard about. How dare he tell you that he won't ask you to be his bride until you are at a certain weight. It's all fine and dandy that he's a health nut, but that's no reason for him to not propose to you. The man you marry should love you for who you are, not what you look like.
Right now I'm working on losing some weight, but that's because I want to, not because my FI told me too. In fact, every day he tells me that he loves the way I look and doesn't want me to feel like I have to change myself. He loves me no matter how I look.
I'm sorry, but your man sounds very arrogant. If I were you I would have a serious talk with this dude and leave him.
ITA with this----> you say when he met you you had weight to lose but it was okay with him because you were "trying" This guy sounds like a serious jerk.
When I mentioned this to my husband he looked at me in shock and said "You can't do that! I mean WHO does that".
When I was trying to lose weight my then FI was very supportive and would tell me how great I was doing. That said, when I gained a few pounds after our wedding and haven't been motivated to work out, he's said nothing. Every woman deserves a man who loves her for who she is. As everyone has already pointed out, what happens if you gain weight after marriage? Or after kids? Or naturally as you get older? I wish you nothing but the best but your SO sounds like a jerk!
I agree with all the others. And Im worried that because losing this weight is a goal for you, that you are making everything dependent on it. That is to say, Im concerned that you are mixing up the loss of these 10 lbs with the goal of marriage, that they are intermingled and the same thing in your mind now. That perhaps your boyfriend is encouraging this thinking and using it against you... That said, I also thought of the problem of hormonal changes during and after pregnancy and how he might simultaniously tell you you are beautiful "but...". As well, Im thinking of your children, what if they are overwieght? How would he treat your children if they happen to be a little heavy during adolesence? This is a no-go in my opinion. Dont rationalize this to yourself! You are rationalizing his condescension!! This is NOT love. Yes, I said it, this tells me he does NOT love you. He is using you. Manipulating you. And he is getting away with it. When you lose this weight how do you know he wont start on something else? That you wont find youself in the position of " Ill have children with you when you....".
@JojoBee: I think physical appearance is much more important to men than women. Men are visual creatures and are stimulated based on physical appearance vs women being stimulated emotionally. However, there seems to be a lack of maturity.
JojoBee, please ask yourself - is it really your fitness and health that your FI is concerned with, or is that just his way of exerting control over your physical appearance?
Because as @lezlers: pointed out upthread, you are ALREADY fit and healthy. Fitness isn't some arbitrary number on a scale. Who decided that you need to weigh x-10 pounds? I highly doubt it was your doctor, right?
So really, it's about being skinny enough for your SO's approval. To be honest, I'm disgusted. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't marry him until I could be sure that he's marrying me for WHO I am, and not what I look like. Because as PPs have said, shit happens in life that will alter your weight and appearance beyond your control. You could get pregnant, get sick, get hurt, or simply gain weight because that's just what your body does as you get older. What then? How will he punish you then?
My FI was sitting next to me and I read this to him outloud. He said "I feel really bad for her, what happens if she gets pregnant?" and then said "If you EVER said that to me, I would not marry you."
It seems as if this bf has found a way to keep the OP permanently off balance & insecure--very manipulative, IMO.
My ex was like that. His emotional & verbal abuse had to escalate to the physical before I caught on & got out.
I have to add my tick to the "he's a shallow person" column. And also i wholeheartedly agree with the PPs who said that you must already be VERY healthy if you work out 5-6 times a week. Everyone has a natural static weight at which they will stay if they live a reasonably healthy lifestyle, with the NECESSARY occasional indulgences and breaks from exercise (life is life - we aren't all personal trainers who can devote every thought to calories and exercise minutes!!!!)...unfortunately yours seems to be 10 lbs heavier than your SO would like.
If losing the last 10 pounds is as hard as you've said, and taking as long as you've said, its very unlikely that once you do hit your goal weight, you'll be able to stay there easily. The reason i say this is that if someone loves you, they should recognise that people come in different shapes and sizes and that you're beautiful at any healthy weight. Using rewards for weight loss is great when you're the one controlling the rewards....having someone else dangle something in front of you for pounds lost sets a very dangerous precedant for the relationship and for your mental and physical health.
Please be well - please consider whether this man is the best thing for you, even if every other aspect of the relationship is perfect.
If he gets to control your weight in this relationship, what do YOU get to control when it comes to him?
I'm sorry but do you realize this has the potential to snowball? First it starts with your weight. Then the way you dress, then how you wear your hair ...
I can tell you that, after my first baby, I dropped the weight with no problems. With baby #2, I struggled with the last few pounds and, even though I felt bad about the way I looked, DH never said anything except how wonderful I looked for a mom of 2. With the 3rd and 4th kids, I lost the weight and then some. Not once has he ever made an issue of what I weighed. If he had, you can bet there would've been hell to pay. I was lucky that I was able to lose the weight, but ... even when I struggled, it was nice to know that I was loved whether or not I could get into my pre-maternity clothes or not. I don't think I would've fared well if my DH harped on my weight.
I am flat out disgusted by your BF. Don't even wait around for the proposal. It's not worth it. We all change as we age.
Look, I'm 190 pounds and 5'6". I'm a size 14, and I'm overweight, and I know it. I'm working on it, but it's really unlikely that I'll ever be under 145 because of the way I'm built (My dad always said I was built like a fire hydrant...I'd make a great football player with my build).
If my FI had made our engagement contingent on my weight loss, it would have never happened. And frankly, I wouldn't have wanted it to happen. FI proposed with me looking the way I do. He loves me no matter what my weight. Yes, he wants me to be healthy, but that's something we're working on together (he could stand to lose a few pounds, too). He loves me because of my personality, my brain, and my attitude, not because of how I look. And that is what I want. I was always taught to value the "inner person" in someone else. I want someone to value the "inner person" in me.
If your SO doesn't value your inner person and only wants you because you look a certain way, it will never last. A man can never be perfect if he is making your relationship contingent on your weight. It doesn't matter what else he does for you. If he can't accept you as you are, he's not perfect.
I agree with all of the PPs. Personally, I would never give the time of day to someone who treats his girlfriend so despicably, let alone marry him.
Hi-
So, here is how I see it. The problem isn't so much about him wanting you to lose weight (it sounds like you want this for yourself) but entirely in how he is going about it. My husband is extremely extremely health conscious (ie weighs himself every day, only has only one 'treat' meal a week, mostly cooks at home to avoid excess fat, etc) and when we met, my favorite foods were tacos and cupcakes and rarely went to the gym. So needless to say, we led very different lifestyles. I was about 10 - 12 lbs over my ideal weight (as set by me) and I wasn't happy about it at all. I'm 5'5" so I wasn't fat but I definitely was conscious of my thighs and rear and I knew I'd have more energy and more confidence if I slimmed down a bit. He understood this and was very encouraging. He made it a point to plan active dates and cook healthy meals for me (I am a novice cook), and he shared his habits with me (like tracking weight, writing down what you eat, etc, it was up to me to decide if any of those were something for me to consider and up to me to decide whether to share them or not). Once we started living together, I became more focused on losing weight for the wedding. Even though he didn't have any weight to lose, he would wake up early to go to the gym with me as a measure of solidarity and cheered on my weight loss. Occasionally if I was stressed out or PMSing, he'd take me out to a 'treat' meal and he encouraged me to not deprive myself of the foods I loved but to think about them in balance with a healthier diet. He always told me I was beautiful and I knew he wanted to marry me, regardless of what the scale said. By time of the wedding, I lost 8 lbs and we were both thrilled about it (even though it was four lbs less than my goal). I have since gained back 4 lbs while traveling and he hasn't said a word about it until I brought it up and asked for his support in getting back on track. My father recently suffered a heart attack, and I am so thankful my husband takes such good care of himself so hopefully he will be around for a long long time. I feel l owe that to him too and to our future kids -- having a great example and a great support system is helping me with something I have always struggled with. I know my husband will still find me beautiful even 20 lbs more than I am now if I am making an effort to live a healthy lifestyle. If I were 15 lbs skinnier but done through unhealthy means (ie diet pills, crash diets), he would not find that attractive at all. For him, it's about making health a priority and the impact that has in the rest of your life (ie energy, confidence,) Of course, it doesn't hurt that I dress hotter when I feel better about my weight than when I don't ;)
My point is, if losing weight is something you want for yourself, and your SO encourages and supports you in your goals in a healthy manner, that can be a really great thing. But if he is holding the proposal over your head almost like a ransom payment, I don't think that would work for me. I wouldn't feel accepted and that would really impact my sense of security in the relationship. So ask yourself -- which is it? Do you feel this man loves you UNCONDITIONALLY and is trying to encourage you in your own goals? Or is he controling you for his own objectives?
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